Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Importance of husband being boss:Chesed l'Avraham

[[Translation from Daas Torah- copyrighted]]
Chesed L’ Avraham (Maayin 4: Nahar 48): You should know that Shir HaShirim is concerned with the issue of chasan and kallah. The chasan alludes to the Shechinah (Divine Presence) and the kallah to the Jewish people. It is known that all the attributes of G‑d are measure for measure. In other words to the degree that a person conducts himself in relationship to G‑d so too will his wife conduct herself in relationship to him. That is why our Sages say that if a man merits it then his wife assists him but if he doesn’t merit it then she will be his opponent. She will rebel against him when he rebels against G‑d. But this principle is only relevant for tzadikim. Consequently every ben Torah whose wife does not obey him has no right to complain because he brought this on himself. In contrast, the wicked have their lives conducted on the basis of natural phenomenon and their wives obey them when they are afraid of them.

You should know that it is not appropriate that the wife should be seated on the right side of her husband but only on the left side. However the kallah at the chupah at the time when the sheva berachos (7 blessings) are being recited, it is necessay for the kallah to be standing on the right side of the chasan...The reason for this that there is a major segula (remedy) that if the chasan is careful to place his right foot on the kallah’s left foot at the time of the sheva berachos, he that succeeds at this is more likely to be able to rule over his wife for his whole life and she will be subservient to him and obedient to his every word. However if the kallah is careful to place her left foot on the chasan’s right foot – then she will rule over him all her life. There was an incident in which the chasan placed his right foot on the left foot of his kallah during sheva berachos in order that he should rule over her. When the kallah told her father about this he taught her and cautioned her that the time of the first intercourse that she should ask the chasan to bring to her a pitcher of water and by means of this it would cause that she should rule over him all of her day. This is a segula (remedy) to nullify the effects of the segula (remedy) of placing his right foot to rule over the kallah....

The basis of this segula is that the woman is from the left side and her conduct is based on the strict level of right and wrong which is difficult. In such a house run by the strict level of justice there is no lack of sickness and poverty and something else. Happy is the household that is run by the man because it is as if it is run by the attribute of mercy. Consequently there will be no bad happenings that will happen in that household because the Shechina (Divine Presence) is manifest in a house which is conducted according to the attribute of mercy. You should also know that there are three types of gevura (might) in man. The first is the might which is involved in conquering many lands. The second type is even greater than the first and is the gevura in controlling his wife. The third which is the hardest is the gevura in controlling his evil inclination.

19 comments :

  1. Anyone who relies on this "segulah" is in for a very, very rough marriage.

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  2. "For this is your wisdom and understanding in the sight of the nations, who will say, 'What a wise and understanding nation...'"

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  3. Actually, anyone who does not rely on this segula is in for a very, very rough marriage.

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  4. Chesed L'Avraham is Chida's great grandfather.

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    1. Actually I am even farther off - it was his great great grandfather

      ^ Shem HaGedolim, Livorno 1774, p. 11b. (Available on Hebrewbooks.com.)In this passage, Haim Yosef David gives the following genealogy: Abraham Azulai --> Isaac Azualai --> Isaiah Azulai --> Isaac Zerahiah Azulai --> Haim Yosef David Azulai.

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  5. Are you going to put up the Pele Yoetz about beating your wife and what her response should be? It is a reflection not of the Torah but the Culture around them as you will see in the Muslim Countries this type of talk is standard in the non Muslim cultures LESS so (and when there is the source is a Muslim Country Rav's Torah)

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    1. I am going to post the Pele Yoetz regarding hitting children and wives. But he seems to be saying the opposite of what you are saying. do you have a different Pele Yoetz?

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  6. While I'm sure there are some people in the Orthodox world who think it is all-important that a man is "boss" in the household -- and I would expect they overlap considerably with those who think men should be able to refuse a get without anyone giving him a hard time -- this is by no means the universal view. For example, the extremely popular best seller on shalom bayis by chassidic rosh yeshivah Rav Shalom Arush, B'Gan Shalom/Garden of Peace, contains not a single word to the effect that a man should be the boss in the household or that this is something of any importance. In fact, he even recommends that husbands have their wives be in complete charge of the household's finances.

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  7. simple question to my readers - what is the source of knowing what marriage is about and what the goals that we value? If you want to claim that the Chesed L'Avraham and the Pele Yoetz etc were simply reflecting the values of their days and culture - than what are you doing differently? Are happiness, serial manogamy or even cohabiting now the acceptable values?

    Where is a Torah Jew supposed to get his guidance from?

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    1. How about the Torah?

      Hashem tells Avraham to listen to Sarah.

      Yitzchok is Mitzacheik with Rivkah.

      Yaakov takes Bilhah and Zilpah at the behest of his wives.

      We see that the wives of the Avos were accorded a status greater than house-slave and bed-mate. We see that Yitzchok felt it important to make his wife happy.

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    2. You are dealing with apples and oranges. The question of whether one person is the boss is not related to Avraham being given a direct command to listen to Sarah. That simply means that when you don't have such a command than she doesn't take priority. You other examples also are not relevant. Obviously even if the wives are subordinate it doesn't mean that they are unintelligent or insensitive - but the fact is it was up to their husbands to agree or disagree with them

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  8. I think we should live up to the torah value of genocide and find a few Amalekite babies we could kill.

    If we get jailed for it: no problem, it is martyrdom in the name of the Torah. The muslim "honor killers" show is that this should not deter us. Take an example from them. They even know how to work the system: they will send minors of age to do it, so that the prison sentence is shorter. (oh and avoid states with death penalty, while you are at it)

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    1. I gather you don't accept that Torah is true unless it meets with your approval?

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    2. Would you fullfill your Mitzwah to kill 1000 Amalekite babies, if you met them?

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    3. sure thing, do you know any amalekite babies?
      I actually don't think the torah would consider it a kiddush hashem to be jailed for killing amalekites. In fact since goyim are obligated to establish courts they are kind of obligated to stop us from killing amalekites. Now if we could establish our own state we could permit the killing of amalekites in our state. We could also declare war on any state that harbors amelekites. But we don't have our own state.

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    4. The mitzvah of killing amalek may be technically not a time-limited mitzvah, but in practice what happened was that amalekites blended in quickly with other populations and are completely indistinguishable. So we will never know who amalek really is. Now that amalek as a people is gone, the commandment to kill amalek takes on the symbolic meaning ascribed to it by many chassidic rabbis. For example, the Lubavitcher Rebbe (as summarized in the Gutnick edition chumash) says that today we kill amalek by cutting out any negative ideological influences which dampen our enthusiasm towards fulfilling mitzvot.

      Keep in mind that we believe in the afterlife (and reincarnation, except those few who deny the authenticity of kabbalah). Just because there were a few one-time events in which Hashem commanded the obliteration of an entire group does not mean genocide is a Torah value or that killing large groups of people is not morally problematic. For all we know, the souls of those killed may have proceeded directly to a great reward in heaven/gan eden or been reincarnated to have a full happy life. Another thing to keep in mind is that there is no mitzvah to believe in everything literally, even if the main hashkafic texts seem to understand something in Tanakh literally. It may be a mitzvah to trust in our sages, but....there is no last word in matters of hashkafa.

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    5. If today, in the year 2012, we would be certain someone was an Amaleiki, we would be *obligated* to kill him, his wife and his babies.

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  9. I once asked the Gaon and Mekubol Reb Shmuel Taubenfeld zt"l to tell me the secret of Shalom Bayis. He relied, "In Kabbala, the wife is higher than the man." That is the secret. Rambam tells us also that the wife must honor his wife more than himself. The Zohar is filled with this idea, and the Heichal Brocho has a very great elaboration on the vast superiority of the left force over the right, female over male, in Korach. The right is white or silver and the left is gold. But this only holds true when the wife honors her husband properly. The female Schechina essence is not one that thrives with arrogance, as we find the story of the sun and the moon where the moon was aggressive and put down the sun and HaShem told the moon "go and diminish yourself."

    Put another way, marriage is not a partnership but a reciprocity, where each lives to serve the other. On my youtube.com/mons5555 videos, I emphasize the power of being a "slave" to family and the destruction of modern families over the refusal to serve others.

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  10. ב. "כי ראה ה' בעניי" (בראשית כט, לב) – 'בראובן אמר "כי ראה" ובשמעון אמר "כי שמע", לפי שמתחלה קודם שנולד ראובן היה מכה בה ומשנולד נמנע מלהכותה, ועל כן אמרה "כי ראה", ועדיין היה מקנתרה בדברים ומשנולד שמעון נמנע גם מזה, ועל כן אמרה "כי שמע", ועדיין לא היה מתחבר אליה וכשנולד לוי נתחבר אליה, על כן קרא שמו לוי' (פירוש הטור הארוך על התורה, מהדורת רי"ק רייניץ, ירושלים תשס"ו).

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