R' Broyde's Coerced Get & Protesting - a critique

Some Thoughts on Rabbi Michael J Broyde's Article on a Coerced GET and Protesting When a Man Withholds a Jewish Divorce

by Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn

Rabbi Broyde's article about protesting to help Agunahs is filled with errors, which I display here. It is part and parcel of the new Torah emanating from the modern YU rabbis. Rabbi Gedaliah Schwartz, head of BDA Beth Din, sent away a couple seeking a GET with no GET by annuling their marriage on the grounds of a ridiculous claim of MEKACH TAOSE when after I spoke to him I am convinced he had no grounds for that. Rabbi Herschel Schachter, Rosh Yeshiva at YU and major posek for the OU, invented a new Torah to permit physical and unbearable emotional coercion in the case of MOOS OLEI with his vivid imagination, as he airly blows away the Rashbo, Rabbi Yosef Caro, Radvaz, Shach and Chazon Ish with a logic that was invented in Gehenum. He quotes nobody who agrees with him, and doesn't display any rabbonim of today who agree with him, but he has helped Agunoth! Posek HaDor Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashev shlit”o told me that any Beth Din that invents new ways to help Agunoth outside of accepted halacha that he takes away from them the Chezkas Beth Din, the authority of being a Beth Din. Thus, we have a situation where modern Orthodox divorces may not be recognized by others, and the children of these invented “help” for Agunoth may be mamzerim.

Let us begin.

The article begins by assuring us that “the use of social pressure – picketing, boycotting, withholding aliyot, and the like – in such a situation...there is no problem of a coerced get in such a case.”

This is completely wrong, as we will show, because it is obvious from the great Poskim I will quote with nobody disagreeing that it is a coerced GET and invalid GET to picket and humiliate a husband in MOUS OLEI especially when this is done in public. In fact, even to shame him not in public is a problem of a coerced and therefore invalid GET. This is stated clearly by the Chazon Ish.

The article then begins with the PIRUD of Rabbeinu Tam, whereby Rabbeinu Tam permitted a passive ostracizing of a husband who refused to give a GET. The article quotes a rabbinical council of great rabbinical judges who permitted ostracizing the husband. Therefore, says Rabbi Broyde, we see that one may ostracize a husband who does not give a GET. But this is false advertising, as we will explain. The case of the rabbinical council involved a couple where the man was unable to have children and the wife demanded a GET so she would not be left in her old age with nobody to care for her. In this case, the Talmud clearly teaches that there must be a GET. On the other hand, Rabbi Broyde is talking about the common problem of wives demanding a GET often after they had children from the husband, called MOUS OLEI (my husband is repulsive to me). This is different, as we will explain.

The Shulchan Aruch EH 77 talks about a woman who demands a GET because her husband repels her. Nowhere is any coercion allowed or mentioned there. Even Rabbeinu Tam is not mentioned there, even though he permits only passive ostracizing. In EH 154 we find the laws of husbands who are commanded by the Torah to divorce their wives. There are two categories of these. One is where the Talmud commands that we force the GET, such as when a person marries a woman forbidden to him. Another category is when the Talmud does not talk about coercion, but merely says the husband must give a GET. The latter case of a sterile husband is what the rabbinical council ruled, when the wife demands a GET. In such a case the Talmud clearly demands a GET but does not command coercion. The Ramo suggests that we use the passive coercion of Rabbeinu Tam. But the Ramo does not allow passive ostracizing in chapter 77 for a woman who is repulsed by her husband. Thus, the implication is clear: passive ostracizing is forbidden unless the Talmud clearly demands a GET, such as when the husband is sterile. But with MOUS OLEI, there may not be any coercion, even passive coercion.

The greatest authorities, the Shach and the Chazon Ish, forbid even passive ostracizing of Rabbeinu Tam, even in the case of the sterile husband, claiming that in latter generations such an ostracizing was too strong a coercion and constituted an invalid GET. Maharabil states that nobody ever heard of rabbis permitting this. Therefore, for MOUS OLEI, when even the Shulchan Aruch does not permit even passive coercion, surely it is forbididen to do the passive PIRUD or ostracizing of Rabbeinu Tam. But in the case of the sterile husband, the Ramo permits it, and the Gro and others agree, therefore, the rabbinical council mentioned above permitted it for the case of a sterile husband. This has nothing to do with Rabbi Broyde's article which is about the common “agunah” who left her husband often after having children and demands as GET. Such a husband may not be given the Pirud of Rabbeinu Tam, at least, by the proof that I cited from the Shulchan Aruch and supported by Shach and Chazon Ish and Maharabil.

We now come to Rabbi Broyde's brazen misquoting of the Gro. He leaves out the key phrase, and thus makes it sound as if the Gro supports ostracizing all husbands, such as in MOUS OLEI. But the GRO as we mention before, is commenting on the Ramo in EH 154 that does not deal with MOUS OLEI but only with husbands who are commanded by the Talmud to divorce. The Gro explains why PIRUD of Rabbeinu Tam is permitted with someone commanded clearly in the Talmud to divorce: “(154:67) because he can be saved from this by going to another city. And whenever we don't do something to him physically it is not called ISUI or coercion. And all of this we do to him because he transgressed on the words of the sages.” Thus, the final phase says that this PIRUD is only permitted when the Talmud clearly commands a divorce. But in MOUS OLEI we don't assume that the husband is wrong and he must divorce his wife and lose his children. Therefore, it is forbidden to ostracize him.

But let us ask Rabbi Broyde, even according to your abridged version of the GRO, the ostracizing is only permitted because the husband can find another city where nobody will ostracize him. But today what city is free from the protestors sent by Rabbi Schachter and ORA to torment a husband? Therefore, what ORA is doing is forbidden by the GRO, and as we explained, it was never permitted by the Ramo in the case of MOUS OLEI to begin with.

But let us return to the ruling of the sages of the above rabbinical council ruling. What kind of ostracizing did they decree on the sterile husband? ONLY PASSIVE THINGS such as not honoring him and ignoring him. But who permitted ORA to publicly demonstrate and humiliate a husband? And especially in a case of MOUS OLEI? This is the brazen invention of Rabbi Broyde.

Now we come to another brazen invention, this time a bald lie about HaGaon Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l. In Igres Moshe EH III:44 Reb Moshe discusses a broken marriage where the wife will not return to the husband, but the husband won't give a GET. May Beth Din coerce the husband to give a GET? Rabbi Broyde quotes Reb Moshe that this is permitted, because “Compulsion in a case where divorce is truly desired does not create an invalid GET.” But Reb Moshe there says just the opposite. Although he does mention the idea and says it has some merit, he refuses to use it saying, “we must not rely on this.” 

So Rabbi Broyde slithers along while we are gasp in admiration for his proof, and then, some lines later, he slips in “While it is true that Rabbi Feinstein is hesitant to rely on this rationale absent other lenient factors...” Hurry, he is wriggling out of his lie. 

Here is his full statement there: ““While it is true that Rabbi Feinstein is hesitant to rely on this rationale absent other lenient factors, it is clear that in cases where no real coercion is used – but only harchakot d'Rabbeinu Tam – Rabbi Feinstein's reasoning is fully applicable.” First, note the weasel words. He doesn't say that “Rabbi Feinstein would permit it.” Even he is afraid to invent such a statement in the name of Reb Moshe. But what he does is to apply his own logic that surely that which Reb Moshe rejected would not be rejected for the mild coercion of Rabbeinu Tam's ostracizing.

But wait. He wriggled in the wrong direction. Because Rabbi Broyde was obviously not aware of another teshuva of Reb Moshe whereby he consigns Rabbeinu Tam's pirud to the status of a very serious coercion, more so than coercing with money which most poskim consider very strong coercion even invalidating the GET. (EH I:137) If so, Reb Moshe surely would not agree with Rabbi Broyde to permit the Pirud of Rabbeinu Tam because it is a minor coercion.

Incredibly, Rabbi Broyde concludes “the use of social pressure to encourage the giving of a get in a situation in which the couple has already separated, a secular divorce has been granted and the marriage is over for both of them – and even more so where a bet din has issued a seruv against the husband – never creates a situation of Get Meuso.” He permits active public humiliation of the husband, even though public humiliation is considered murder in the Talmud.

Note that he never mentions that Rabbeinu Tam permits only passive ostracizing, and that the Chazon Ish EH 108 forbids even passive ostracizing and considers active humiliation such as that practiced by ORA to make an invalid GET. Nor does he even mention the Rashbo VII:414 that it is forbidden to coerce a husband with MOUS OLEI at all, and that even the sterile husband may not be humiliated, certainly not the husband of MOUS OLEI. Also Rabbi Yosef Caro in Bais Yosef, 154, Radvaz שו"ת רדב"ז חלק ד סימן קיח quote the Rashbo. The Shach at the end of GEVURAS ANOSHIM forbids even passively ostracizing the husband to obtain a GET at all. 

Just brazeneness matched only by his ignorance. But without the ignorance, even the brazeness would have a hard time.

Rabbi Benjamin Yudin: Birds & Bees

Kol Isha: IDF forbids earplugs

JPost

Several religious soldiers requested last week to wear earplugs or listen to MP3 players during a Holocaust Remembrance Day ceremony in which women were singing, as well as for upcoming ceremonies for Remembrance Day and Independence Day.

The army refused the request but said that the soldiers could take a book of Psalms into the ceremony to read from if they wished.

Get Me'usa Crises: Halachic Summary

Guest Post

The גט מעושה crises and-1

Friedman-Epstein: What halachic justification?!

Despite all the fanfare and international publicity about the "aguna" Tamar Friedman, the halacha basis  for the conduct of her rabbinic supporters as well as the aguna defense organization Ora's tactics against Aharon Friedman is  embarrassingly anemic and simply unsupported by any elementary reading of the sources. Briefly the case involved Tamar's decision that she didn't want to remain married to Aharon. She has never made any claims of abuse or misbehavior just she thought she might find someone better. She left their home taking their daughter without his consent. There was the Baltimore beis din which they both agreed to abide by its decision. Its work was not brought to a psak. Secular court was involved and a secular divorce. There was some involvement of the Washington beis din - but that was incomplete and it never heard both sides. Finally there was a hazmana from the beis din of the Union of Orthodox Rabbis which Aaron did not respond to. That beis din issued a seruv signed by Rav Kaminetsky, Rav Belsky, Rabbi Ralbag and also Rav Schachter. The seruv states that whatever can be done to bring about a get should be done. ORA - with Rav Schachter's support and encouragement has gotten involved and has had public demonstrations and repeated distribution of posters demanding a get which targeted Aharon and his family. They also had a strong publicity blitz in all the major secular newspapers as well as a conference at Stern College and a major campaign directed at Aharon's boss Congressman Camp - all with the stated goal of forcing Aharon to give Tamar a get. So far there has not been a beis din that heard both sides and issued a psak that Aharon must give a get.

My concern has been to try and find a halachic basis for use of public humilation in a very weak case of ma'os alei - where Tamar has apparently never said anything stronger against her husband than that she realized that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life married to him. When I spoke with the head of ORA I asked him about this and he said that Tamar had a right to privacy and didn't have to explain why she wanted to leave. Aharon has apparently never said he wanted to end the marriage. Thus the case consists of Tamar's assertion of ma'os alei because she doesn't want to remain married. She is also a moredes who left their home. She turned to the secular courts - a huge problem - and as a result a custody arrangement was set up and a civil divorce was obtained.

A basic summary of the halacha is found here:

Be'er HaGolah (Shulchan Aruch E.H. 77:6): In the case where the wife claims ma’os alei and therefore refused to have sexual relations with her husband] The view of the Shulchan Aruch [which modified the language of the Rambam that "the husband can be forced to give a get" to "if the husband wants to divorce her"] is that of the Ramban and Rashba that one cannot force the husband to give a get [in the case of ma’us alei]. The husband can only be forced to give a get in those cases where Chazal said force can be used. [Which is either from a prohibited relations such as a cohen to a divorcee or a major defect such as severe disease or disgusting skin condition]This is stated in the Magid Mishna (Hilchos Ishus 14:8]. The Tur says the same thing in the name of Rabbeinu Tam and his father the Rosh. The source of this view is Kesubos (63b), What is the case of moredes (a rebellious wife) ? Amemar said it is a woman who says she wants to stay married and she want to torment her husband. However a woman who says ma’us alei (he disgusts me) we don’t force her to be with her husband. Mar Zutra said she should be forced and there was an incident in which Mar Zutra forced the wife to be with the husband and they had a child R’ Chinina Mesura. But that is not the normal consequence – they had special assistance from Heaven and we can’t learn from that case.

A review of the recent teshuva literature, inclduing the rulings of  Rav Eliashiv, Minchos Yitzchok, Rav Ovadiah Yosef, Rav Moshe Feinstein, Tzitz Eliezar, Ben Ish Chai and Rav Sternbuch as well as the various public shiurim that Rav Schachter has given on the topic of aguna, - have indicated that there is not a single source that allows the type of public humiliation ORA is using in order to force a husband to give a get. There are sources which allowed indirect pressure such as preventing the obtaining a civil divorce unless a get is given. But not a single use of direct pressure because of the universal concern in the Achronim for a get me'usa (an invalid forced get). Sources such as Rabbeinu Yona, Rabbeinu Yerucham and Rav Chaim Pelaggi were also studied - but they also do not provide a ready and acceptable basis for what is going on with ORA.

[update reply to James in Comments section]

James you obviously have inside information - the beis din issued a seruv for not appearing in which they poskened that a get had to be given. They did not explain their reasons nor did Friedman participate - so they only heard one side. Is that correct? Simple question is how can a beis din posken without hearing both sides? And if it isn't a psak but only a seruv for not showing up so how can they issue a ruling that it is a mitzva to give a get? Besides that level of confusion Rav Shachter has written clearly that he is totally relying on Rav Kaminetsky for his understanding of the case. So apparently it is irrelevant to him whether there is a psak or just a seruv. The only issue is the daas Torah of Rav Kaminestky. He then authorized ORA to attack Aharon and his family. Correct? The Beis din did not say anything about ORA nor do they appear on ORA's list of rabbis. Thus you are insisting that everyone involved agrees that ORA is doing the right thing. I am simply asking for some evidence that ORA actions are approved by Rabbis Belsky and Kaminetsky and what the basis of the psak of the beis din was. It is not clear that saying that it is a mitzva to give or obtain a get justifies what ORA is doing.

So we are still discussing this because of the apparent bizarreness of this case on the level of halacha. It doesn't require a gadol to understand the halachic issues or the halachic rulings going back to the gemora. I simply want to know what halachic understanding justifies the chain of events leading to ORA's demonstrations and pressure. It shouldn't take a talmid chachom more than 5 minutes to rattle off the necessary information. The fact that that ORA through Rav Shachter based on this beis din - has been producing a disturbing spectacle in the secular media - justifies me asking an explanation. If ORA wasn't involved then this would have remained a private issue. But it clearly isn't and I'd like to understand. this is Torah and I need to learn.

Charedi employment is on the rise

YNET

A recent study conducted by the Industry, Trade and Labor Ministry predicted that Israel will see a 6% drop in its workforce within 20 years, especially due to the growing ultra-Orthodox and Arab population shares. But activists in the religious sector dismiss the forecast, noting the growing rates of employed haredim.

"I don't see the pessimistic predictions coming true," said attorney Yoav Laloum, chairman of the Noar KaHalacha, an organization that advocates against discrimination in the haredi sector.

Baltimore Patrol members on trial

Baltimore Sun

Having family who lives in the area and having recently spent a lot of time there - I fully understand the problems and dangers the Werdesheim's were facing in patrolling that area.

The incident occurred in November 2010, with charges brought against Eliyahu Werdesheim in December and, later, against his brother, Avi. There are some parallels - vigilantism, race, and self-defense - but also major differences - most notably the fatal outcome in the Florida case but also the handling by law enforcement.

With the trial scheduled to begin, here's a refresher on some of the facts in each case.

-The Werdesheim brothers were members of a group called Shomrim, Orthodox Jewish volunteers who patrol their Northwest Baltimore neighborhood. The group has meetings and bylaws, as well as radios and matching jackets, and for years was praised by city officials and police for their efforts. In Florida, shooter George Zimmerman, described as white-Hispanic had helped set up a neighborhood watch program with the assistance of the Sanford Police Department and had been appointed the "captain" of the program, according to reports. Both have been accused of being overzealous - Zimmerman had called 911 dozens of times before the shooting incident, while some black Baltimore residents and even police officers said Shomrim members sometimes took their role too far.

-Eliyahu Werdesheim worked for a security company and claimed to be an former Israeli special forces solider; Zimmerman wanted to be a police officer, having attended a four-month course at the local sheriff's department and enrolled in a local college and took law enforcement courses.

Rabbis requesting psychiatric drugs for students II

Haaretz

As a result of the Haaretz report two week ago   ("Rabbi's Little Helper," April 6 ) - about the conferral of psychiatric medication at the request of rabbis and Orthodox activists, for purposes described as "spiritual" rather than medical - a number of persons turned to Haaretz with their personal stories. 

The Gur Hasid trembled in pain as he spoke about a family gathering held at Purim. One daughter in the extended family, a married woman with children, attended the big holiday meal after a long period in which she had remained secluded in her home. "We were shocked," the man recalled. "At the beginning, we could barely identify her. This is a woman who has always been blessed with a lively, expressive personality, but now it looks like pills have finished her off. We met an apathetic woman who has a solemn, stony face; a woman who has had the life sucked out of her."

The ultra-Orthodox man says the woman's husband belongs to a well-connected family in the Gur community, and so the man's family attached "responsibility" for the situation in the house to the woman, and demanded she receive medication. "She was told that the Gur Rebbe wants her to take medication, and that the pills would restore order to her home. Nobody knows whether the rebbe really said that, but this is what persuaded her." 

The Hasid from Bnei Brak presented his story as part of a trend of Orthodox referrals to private psychiatric clinics as a result of internal communal issues - typically family cases. Such referrals often override the patients' own desires; usually, he patient does not really understand the nature of the treatment. Psychiatrists and psychologists also approached the newspaper, and reported cases of unethical uses of medication.[...]

Shach: Forced divorces not permitted

שו"ת גבורת אנשים סימן עב

ונראה לפי מה שהעליתי לעיל סי' מ"ב דאין לו גבורת אנשים אין כופים בשוטים להוציא, ה"ה דאין לנדותו עד שיתן גט. ואף על גב שהבאתי לעיל סי' ט"ו דברי הרא"ש פ' הבא על יבמתו דמשמע מדבריו דאפי' היכא דאין כופין בשוטים מנדינן ליה. מ"מ אין נראה כן הלכה למעשה, דהא אמרינן בעלמא [פסחים נב ע"א] דשמתא קשה מנגדא. וגם הרא"ש גופיה כתב בפ' החובל [ב"ק פ"ח סי' ב] שאין לך גוביינא גדול מזה, דמשמתינן ליה דלנקטיה בכובסיה עד דשבק לגלימיה [עי' שבועות מא ע"א]. וכן כתב המרדכי [סי' רד] והגה"ת אשר"י [סי' יט] פ' המדיר וכתבו שמעשה בא כן לפני ר"ת שנידו לאחד ליתן גט ונתן גט, ופסל ר"ת את הגט וצוה לעשות לו גט אחר. וכן הסכמת רוב הפוסקים דהיכא דאין כופין אין מנדין אותו ג"כ, וכ"כ ב"י סימן קנ"ד בשם תשובת רשב"א, וכ"כ הריב"ש סי' קכ"ז, וכן פסק מהר"ל ן' חביב בתשו' סי' ל"ג, וכן כתב הרב בהג"ה סי' קנ"ד (ס"ך) [סכ"א] ושאר אחרונים. (וכן פסק בתשו' מהר"י ן' לב ספר ג' ס"ס ק"א באין לו גבורת אנשים דאין כופין להוציא לא בשוטים ולא בנדוי ושמתא. וכן מסיק בתשו' מהר"ר שלמה כהן ספר שלישי ס"ס מ"ב דלענין מעשה אין כופין אותו בשום דבר רק שאומרים לו שמותר לקרותו עבריין ע"ש) וכן עיקר.
מיהו כתב הרב בהג"ה שם וז"ל ומ"מ יכולים לגזור על כל ישראל שלא לעשות לו שום טובה או לישא וליתן עמו או למול בניו או לקברו עד שיגרש ובכל חומר שירצו ב"ד יכולים להחמיר בכה"ג ובלבד שלא ינדו אותו עכ"ל. והוא מדברי ר"ת ומהרי"ק ובנימין זאב, אבל בתשו' מהר"י ן' לב שם כתב וז"ל וה"נ לא עבדינן ההרחקה שכתב ר"ת והסמ"ק ומהרי"ק, לפי שלא ראינו ולא שמענו בדורנו זאת ההרחקה. ואפשר דטעמא הוי משום דבדורות הללו חמירא להו ההרחקה מנידוי ושמתא, וכל היכא דלא כייפינן בשוטים או בנדויים וחרמות גם לא עבדינן ההרחקה. פעם אחת בהיותי בשלוניק"י עלה במחשבה בין קצת החכמים למיעבד ההרחקה בנידון דהיה קרוב הדבר לכוף, ולא אסתייעא מלתא ולא נעשה מעשה, וכיון דכן הוא מלתא דפשיטא היא דלא כייפינן ליה לא בשוטים ולא בחרמות, ולא זה בלבד אלא אפילו שום הרחקה לא עבדינן ליה אלא דאומרים לו דמותר לקוראו עבריינא ע"כ, וטוב להחמיר.
תם ונשלם כל דיני אומרת גרשתני ודיני אין לו גבורת אנשים ושאר דינים השייכים להם באריכות. והנני נותן שבח והודיה לאל יתברך שמו אשר עזרני עד כה ונתן לי כח וחיל לעמוד בפלפול הארוך הזה. כי כמה יגיעות יגעתי וכמה טרחות טרחתי עד שיגעתי ומצאתי טעמ"ן של דברים המחוורים כשמלה היתה בכלל, ובפרט שיש כאן מבוכות רבות בגדולי הפוסקים ראשונים ואחרונים.
ולמען אשר יוכל המעיין לידע בקצרה שרשי הדינים העולים מכל משא ומתן הגדול הזה, אמרתי להעלות רשום בכתב אמת כללי הדינים בקצרה כשלחן ערוך המוכן לאכול לפני האדם. ומי שירצה לעמוד על עיקרי הדברים יעיין בפנים אשר משם יוצאים ונובעים כל דבריו מוכרעים, כלם בראיות ברורות, ובהוכחות גמורות, זה אחר זה סדורות, באותיות ובתיבות ובשורות, סמוכות תכופות וצרורות, כרוכות וחרוקות והדורות, בעזר האל פועל גבורו"ת, אין בלתו צר צורות, יאיר עינינו בקלות וחמורות, ויתיר לנו אסורות, ע"י מבשר בשורות.
כויעתר שבתי בן לא"א הגאון מוהר"ר מאיר כ"ץ ז"ל. יום ה' כ"ד סיון תי"ו יו"ד לפ"ק

Jetman: The human airplane

 A break from serious topics

Rape cases are legal minefields for colleges

Boston Globe

A closed- door encounter between two college acquaintances. Both have been drinking. One says she was raped; the other insists it was consensual. There are no other witnesses.

It's a common scenario in college sexual assault cases, and a potential nightmare to resolve. But under the 40-year-old federal gender equity law Title IX -- and guidance handed down last year by the Obama administration on how to apply it -- colleges can't just turn such cases over to criminal prosecutors, who often won't touch them anyway. Instead, they must investigate, and in campus proceedings do their best to balance the accused's due process rights with the civil right of the victim to a safe education.

Colleges that do too little about sexual assault could lose federal funds. The Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights is currently investigating a dozen colleges and universities over their response to sexual violence (documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act show schools that have recently agreed to take steps to resolve OCR complaints over Title IX policies include universities such as Notre Dame, Northwestern and George Washington). [...]

But when colleges do take action against accused students, those students are increasingly lawyering up themselves, suing for breach of contract and negligence. And in at least two recent cases, in Tennessee and Massachusetts, male students have tread novel legal ground by alleging violations of their own Title IX protections against gender discrimination, arguing a college's sexual assault policies or procedures were unfairly stacked against men.

Pele Yoetz - Abused wife advised to remain silent?!

I was asked to post this excerpt from the Pele Yoetz. I have already posted the Pele Yoetz's strong condemnation of wife abuse as well as child abuse. So the obviously question is why is he advising the battered wife to remain silent? The obvious answer is that we are dealing with a situation where the wife does not have a ready option of divorce. In such a society the alternative to marriage to an abusive husband is often worse. The Pele Yoetz is simply advising her how to minimize her suffering. In the same chapter he  also advised that the husband put up with an abusive wife. In other words, he is providing suggestions to both abused husband and wife as what to do when divorce is not a viable option. This is excerpted from Rabbi Mansour's translation here

In truth, according to the dictum of our Sages (Eruvin 41b), "Someone who has a bad wife will not see Gehinom", it would be proper to seek a bad wife if he could stand the test, considering the enormous severity of the punishment of Gehinom. If he passes the test, then he will not inherit two Gehinoms (one in this world and one in the World to Come)! Rather he should accept her with love and he will receive a fine reward for his labors.

Forcing divorce on a mentally ill wife

Shulchan Aruch(E.H. 119:6): A woman can be divorced against her will. Rema: And even if he doesn’t have money to pay for her kesubah and dowry – she cannot prevent the divorce because of failure to pay her money she is due. Rather they can be divorced and then she can go to beis din to make the financial claims against him (Rosh, Rivash). All of this is according to the Torah law. However Rabbeinu Gershom decreed that a woman cannot be forcibly divorced – as we explained before (Shulchan Aruch E.H.115).

And even if he is willing to give her the kesubah he is not permitted to forcibly divorce her today. Nonetheless if he transgresses the decree of Rabbeinu Gershom by forcibly divorcing her and then he remarries – he no longer can be called a sinner. ... If she develops a blemish see (Shulchan 117) whether he can forcibly divorce her. Some say that if a mitzva is involved he is able to forcibly divorce or he is permitted to marry two wives. Shulchan Aruch: Therefore a child can be forcibly divorced even though she isn’t considered have full intelligence and even if her father accepted her Kiddushin which is Torah. This is also true of a deaf woman who was married when she could hear and the later became deaf. However if she becomes insane – and doesn’t know how to protect it - she cannot be divorced until she recovers. This restriction is a rabbinic decree in order that she shouldn’t be abandoned to immoral people since she is not capable of protecting herself. Therefore while she remains his wife, he can leave her and he is permitted to marry someone else. Nevertheless her food is paid for from her money and he is not obligated to provide her with clothing or sexual relations. He is also not obligated to cure her physical ailments (Some say that he is obligated Beis Yosef citing Rashba.... and this view is the dominant one) or to redeem her if she is captured. However if he does give her a get despite the prohibition, the get is valid – as long as she knows how to protect it. Rema: (Some say that even bedieved it is not valid). In the case where she is sometimes insane and other times is lucid and she is divorced when she is lucid because she seems have stabilized - then the get remains valid even if she relapses. Shulchan Aruch: And he sends her from his house and he has no obligation to deal with her anymore.

Rabbeinu Yerucham: Forcing husband to give get

 Rabbi Adlerstein cited Rabbeinu Yerucham as permitting forcing a husband to divorce his wife in a case of ma'us alei. 

[YA Because once both parties have had their days in court/beis din, rulings have to be upheld. Once a marriage is terminated, a husband has no right in halacha to withhold a get. (When he truly wants to continue the marriage, and his wife is the one who walks out, he is not obligated to immediately grant a get, but can leverage it to try to repair the relationship. Once it is clear that both parties have given up on the marriage relationship - regardless of who requested the get, or who was at fault! - withholding the get is seen in halacha going back to Rabbenu Yerucham as extortion. The latter held that beis din could even use physical force to coerce a get at that point. Batei Din in Israel routinely accept this Rabbenu Yerucham. Certainly lesser forms of persuasion, as guided by responsible morei hora'ah, are permitted.] [YA - I can give you the cite. More than that would take a good deal of timing, looking into פסקי דין רבניים for the places that he is cited. Ateres Devorah, chap. 89, cites three such decisions. The Rabbenu Yerucham is in Meisharim, Nesiv 23 chelek 8]

 I showed this Rabbeinu Yerucham to my brother and he  wrote the following rebuttal.

רבינו ירוחם מתיר לכוף במאוס עלי בספר מישרים נתיב כג' חלק ח' וז"ל וכתב מורי ה"ר אברהם בן אשמעאל כי נראה לו שאשה שאמרה לא בעינא ליה ליתן לי גט וכתובה והוא אומר אנא נמי לא בעינא לך אבל איני רוצה ליתן גט מסתברא דאין דנין אותה במורדת להפסידה כלום מעיקר כתובה ונדוינא אלא מיהו משהינן לה תריסר ירחי אגיטא דילמא הדרי בהו לאחר שנה כופין אותון לגרש והפסידה תוספת וכל מאי דיהיב לה מדיליה כו' עכ"ל

ובא אחד ומדייק מזה שהלכה למעשה אם הבעל לא רוצה ליתן לאשתו גט במאוס עלי שאחרי שנה כופין אותו. ומשמע כופין בשוטים לכאורה.

והנה הדבר פשוט שאפילו אם היה זה הפירוש פה שאחרי שנה כופין לגרש היות שלא נזכר דבר זה בש"ע ובגדולי הפוסקים וכדבר פשוט הוא בראשונים והפוסקים שלא כופין במאוס עלי אפילו אחרי כמה שנים שלכן אין לסמוך על זה לקולא. שזה שאמרו כמה ראשונים שבמאוס עלי לא כופין כלל ולא חילקו בין שנה לכמה שנים משמע שהם חולקים על שיטה זו.

וכל הכופה לבעל לגרש בשיטה יחידאה נגד רוב הפוסקים הוא מרבה מזמרים בישראל. ואפילו אם היה שקול אחד נגד אחד היה ספק אם מותר לכוף. והיה האשה בחזקת אשת איש שזה מכריע הספק לעשותו קרוב או ודאי לממזר ודאי.

שלכן מאחר שהרשב"א אמר בפירוש שאין כופין כלל במאוס עלי וכן משמע שבש"ע א"ה סימן עז' לא הובא שום צד לכוף במאוס עלי שאין לכוף במעשה עלי אפילו אחרי כמה שנים.

וז"ל הרשב"א שו"ת הרשב"א חלק ז' סימן תי"ד בענין מאוס עלי – ולעולם אין כופין את הבעל לגרש אלא רצה לגרש יגרש ואם לא רצה לא יגרש ואע"פ שלא כתב כן הרמב"ם ז"ל זהו דין האומרת מאיס עלי עכ"ל הרי בפירוש ברשב"א שהוא גדול הפוסקים שאין לכוף כלל לבעל במאוס עלי דלא כרבי אברם בן ישמעאל רבו של רבנו ירוחם. ואפילו היה הדבר ספק כאילו רבו של רבינו ירוחם גדול כמו הרשב"א היה הדבר ספק ואין כופין מספק בפרט שיש לה חזקת אשת איש והבנים או ספק ממזרים או ודאי ממזרים והאשה ודאי אסורה להנשא.

והנה המתיר על פי השיטה של רבו של רבינו ירוחם רוצה להתיר לבזותו שכן הוא המעשה שעליו אנו דנים. ואפשר שרוצה לכופו בשוטים שכן יש רע-בנים שסוברים שצריכים לעשות לו בשוטים. והלא הרשב"א שם כתב בפירוש שאפילו בזמן שהאשה אומרת שאין בעלה יכול להוליד ילד שכה"ג כתב הרשב"א שאומרים לו בפירוש שחייב לגרש. עדיין אין לבזותו. וכ"ש במאוס עלי.

וע' בבית אפרים אבן העזר סוף חלק ג' שבמאיס עלי אין כופין. ומביא הרשב"א חלק א' סימן קצב'. וז"ל ומצאתי און לי בש"מ הביא בשם ר"י דבמאיס עלי אומרים לו חכמים חייבוך להוציא כו' ור"ת אומר שאף זה אין אומרים לו אלא שאם בא לימלך בב"ד משיאים לו עצה שיגרשנה לאלתר ויפטור מכתובה עכ"ל הרי מחלוקת הראשונים אם מותר לומר להבעל במאיס עלי שחכמים אמרו שחייב לגרש שהוא כפיה בדבריםי בעלמא ועל זה בא ר"ת לאסור גם זה ולא הובא שום חילוק בין שנה אחד או כמה שנים דלא כרבינו ירוחם. הרי שרוב הראשונים לא הביא חידוש זה לכופו אחרי שנה ואם עושים כפיה הרי ספק גט ויש לאשה חזקת אשת איש.

ועוד שכה"ג הפשטות שודאי לכ"ע אינו גט כלל. שהיות שהבעל יודע שרוב הראשונים אוסיםר לכופו לא שייך לומר שהוא סומך על היחיד ליתן גט בלב שלם אלא ודאי שהוא נותן רק מחמת מכות או כפיה ולא סובר שמצוה לשמוע דברי חכמים באופן שאינו גט כלל.

ובכלל איני יודע למה הביא החכם בעיניו שיטת היחיד בזה להתיר כפיה במאוס עלי הלא יש שיטת הרמב"ם ועוד כמה ראשונים שעומדים בשיטת הגאגונים ג' מאות שנים לכוף להבעל בשוטים לגרש במאוס עלי אלא שלא עושים כן מחמת שהרבנים שבאו אחרי כן פסלו דרך זה עוד שלא יעשה עוד. וא"כ מה תועלת להביא שיטה אחרת שאינו נזכר בפוסקים נגד מה שהוא כן נזכר בפוסקים.

ועוד יש לדייק בלשון הרבינו ירוחם שההיתר זו לכוף במאוס עלי רק באופן שבין האיש ובין האשה אמרו בפירוש שלא רוצים זה את זה. כה"ג יש צד שאחרי יב' חודש שרואים שלא ישנו דעתם שכופים. אבל אם הבעל רוצה האשה ואינו מואס בה אלא שהיא מואסת בו לא מיירי ואין כופין כה"ג.

Obligations of Husbands and Wives: Mitzvos HaBayis R' Epstein

 This was downloaded from Hebrew Books - see chapter 5 page 209 This link for chapter 5 only

Mitzvos Habayis R' Epstein Vol 2 Hebrewbooks_org_3412

Conservative's to ordain gay & lesbian rabbis

Haaretz

The question whether or not to ordain gay and lesbian rabbis has been rattling the Conservative Movement in Israel and the U.S. for the past decade. Unlike the Reform movement that took to the question with ease, deciding firmly on the acceptance of gay rabbis. The Conservative Movement, whose rabbis see themselves bound to Jewish law, has been caught up in heated debate over the subject.

Years of discussion led to two contradictory religious rulings in 2006, one requiring the ordination of gay and lesbian rabbis and another banning any such act. The two rabbinical seminaries affiliated with the movement in the U.S. move the ruling allowing the ordination, while the seminaries in Jerusalem and Buenos Aires adopted the ban on ordination. The issue nearly caused a rift in the movement. 

Rabbi Mauricio Balter, President of the Israeli Conservative Movement Rabbinical Assembly expressed his support of the move. 

“I see it as a very important development in Jewish law,” Rabbi Balter told Haaretz, adding: “It is the right thing to do. We were all made in the image of god, and as such we are all made equal. For me this is a very important value. I always said we should admit gay and lesbians into our ranks.”

Pele Yoetz : Condemns wife abuse

Pele Yoetz (Hitting - published 1824): Our Sages said, One who hits his grown son is liable to nidoi (ostracizing). They explain that it is likely to result in rebellion, cursing and physical attack against the father and thus the father transgresses the prohibition of placing a stumbling block before the blind. Thus it is clear that it is not just his grown son that he should not hit. Rather the warning is against hitting even a young child. This applies then to anyone he knows will not accept his authority for example in our times when chutzpah is common and a son rebels against his father. Thus he should not only avoiding hitting but even angrily chastising someone – results in an angry response and refusal to listen to criticism. In truth it says in Mishlei (17:10), A reproof enters more into a wise man than a hundred blows into a fool. Thus we see that chastisement is only accepted by the wise but one who isn’t wise will not accept rebuke.

There is a type of son who will not listen to his father or mother. In all such cases the father and mother need to understand that since they know their children well and recognize that they are difficult and lacking in fear of G‑d and will simply not listen to their parents – they should not command them to doing any service for them and they should try hard not to express their anger to them and not irritate them and only to speak gently with them. Now granted not all occasions are equal and there will be times that the father and mother will not be able to restrain themselves from ordering their children to do something or getting angry with them or even embarrassing them or cursing them. They will gnash their teeth in frustration and their hearts will be faint when they see their children misbehaving. Nevertheless that which the parents have the power to accomplish they should do and they should try and minimize evil. The father and mother want to give merit to their children in that the children should fulfill the will of their parents and they should give merit to their souls by doing that which is pleasing to G‑d.

 However what can they do since this is not a good generation and when the sons and daughters are with their parents they really have not much interest in this mitzva and they don’t consider it important. However when they go to Israel or to the cemetery then the children say if I only had a father or mother I would lick the dirt from the soles of their feet and I would faithfully serve them with all my strength. But if they want that G‑d should consider them at that time as if they had done it purely because they want to do it, then they should fulfill their obligation properly when they have the actual opportunity to so. It is only in such circumstances that when the deed cannot be done that G‑d considers the mere thought of doing good as actually doing it.

Since in these times when refined children who listen to their parents are in a distinct minority and in particular since they marry women who bicker with their mother-in-laws and thus it is difficult for the children to honor their parents as they are required – how wonderful it is for the father and mother if it is possible for them to separate from their children so that the children are not dependent upon their support. And similarly it is good for the children if it is the will of their parents that they separate from their tables. That is because the absence is better than a bad reality. It should only be that the hearts of the children should have the desire to honor their parents and they will receive a good reward in this world that they themselves will be honored from good children and the principle reward will be in the next world.

It is important to note that the prohibition of hitting is not only applicable to one’s children but it applies also all other people. In fact this is prohibited by is a negative Torah commandment of “don’t add” [concerning the punishment from the Sanhedrin which is understood that no man is to be hit even a single time without being explicitly sentenced to that blow by the beis din]. Our Sages (Sanhedrin 58b) said, “One who strikes the chin of another is as if he struck the Shechina. (Rashi explains that it means hitting any part of the body)... Rav Huna amputated the hand of one who assaulted others.”

It is fitting that all the leaders of cities punish assailants in particular those disgusting people who hit their wives viciously. Blasted are those that treat Jewish women as slaves. They attack them, hit them and rape them – and they feel no shame. It is a good idea for someone who has the possibility to punish them and if they can also to get their wives away from them if the wife wants to. That is because our Sages said that a woman cannot dwell together with a serpent and therefore it is a great mitzva to save them from these criminals.

And even to hit small child there is no permission except for a father for his children and a teacher for his students and a supervisor of children. And even concerning a teacher and his students it is appropriate to consult a beis din for what is appropriate in each case – but this is not the accepted practice. It mentions in Bava Basra (21a), “When you hit a child you should only hit him with a shoe lace”... if it is necessary to hit a child then only hit him gently on his foot without anger...

See also post Pele Yoetz - advice to abused wife

Halachic impact of psychological/social reality

In the recent discussion of divorce and whether it is permitted or even desirable to force a man to give a get when the Torah doesn't require it - the question is whether the social and psychological consequences should be considered. In particular if adhering to the Torah laws causes a woman to give up yiddishkeit or to engage in immoral behavior or it increases mamzerim - should we be concerned enough to force the husband to give up on his Torah rights in marriage?

Similarly my recent post about establishing who is the boss in marriage from the Chesed l'Avraham - elicited some strong responses - that this material was not only irrelevant but was highly embarrassing to us modern enlightened folk. In other words it is far from being politically and socially correct. One anonymous commenter even criticized me for publicizing this material since he said it was a chillul haShem [I didn't publish his comment solely because he didn't bother giving himself a name]. I was also asked rhetorically if I would publish the comments of the Pele Yoetz regarding wife beating? In fact I am finishing up the translation of that section and will  soon post it. It is a good example of social reality altering halachic practice. In reality the issue is whether we should be learning from the Torah what to do - and do it without concern for consequences or whether there are specific goals we want to accomplish and therefore we need to modify the halacha - even nullify Torah laws - in order to achieve the metagoals - is a very important issue. In other words does Torah have an agenda - or is simply to observe the mitzvos. A related question is whether there is in fact a Torah true marriage or Torah true chinuch or Torah true mental health or psychotherapy? Or are all these institutions determined by the time and age a person lives in?

[From Daas Torah 2nd edition page 49]

Rav Dov Katz(Pulmos HaMusar page 337): There are two views concerning the purpose of observing mitzvos. 1) It is an end in itself which is to fulfill the will of G‑d. 2) It is a means to educate and develop man to spiritual perfection - which he is obligated to achieve. Many of the opponents of Mussar hold the first view that man’s primary obligation in the world is simply to fulfill G‑d’s will and to keep His commandments. Their focus is to clarify the commandants so that they are done as precisely as possible. They are not concerned with investigating and clarifying the hidden aspects of man. They don’t value being involved in clarification of hashkofa issues. They are not curious about the psychological forces and the depths of the heart. They don’t examine their personality traits and their manifestations. They have no interest in seclusion and mediation. They serve G‑d purely and simply. On the other hand, they are fully aware that the Torah requires spiritual development and personality development. However, they view these as commandments that are no different than the other commandments of the Torah. While some of them accept that they require preparation and others see these commandments as an end in themselves - none of this group require a special program to achieve this personal perfection. Instead they assert that one should be totally devoted to an in depth study of Torah - which is superior to all else - and are very concerned with exacting observance of mitzvos. They are concerned with extra stringencies according to their clarification of the nature of the Halacha and view this approach as the way to achieve personal perfection and the perfection of the world. In contrast to this group, those who require Mussar belong to the second group that the prime focus of man is his obligation for spiritual perfection. This second group asserts that G‑d’s will is not fulfilled simply by keeping His commandments as expressions of G‑d’s authority. They require that the focus be on the commandments as the means to achieve spiritual and personal perfection. The consequence of this perspective is that commandments are seen, as means - not ends in themselves. Therefore, it is not sufficient to simply physically perform the mitzva. They seek means and strategies to involve the inner person, as well as his thoughts and his emotions. They view that the primary impact of the mitzva does not come from a mechanical performance - though they don’t denigrate that is produced by it - but only that which penetrates and influences the inner being.

Top five regrets of the dying

Guardian

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

Rabbeinu Yonah: Ma'us alei - Mitzva to divorce wife

Talmidim of Rabbeinu Yona (Shita Mekubetzes Kesubos 64a): Rabbeinu Yona wrote, "Even though we don't force a man to give a get when the wife says he is ma'us alei (disgusting to me) - that is only referring to forcing him by beating him with staffs. However beis din informs him that he has a mitzva to divorce her and they advise him to divorce her. And if he doesn't not in fact divorce her then this is a case of when a person transgresses the words of the rabbis that it is permitted to call him a sinner. However Rabbeinu Tam disagreed and said that even this we don't say to him but if he should come to ask whether he should divorce her without her getting the kesuba then beis din gives him the advice that he should divorce her immediately. Rabbeinu Yona also wrote that there is an opinion that after 12 months he should be forced to divorce her with staffs. However our teacher said that we never force him with staffs but rather after 12 months he is commanded to divorce her and if he doesn't divorce her than he is called a sinner as we mentioned above. But if we  forced him to divorce her then it is a get me'usa by Jews that is invalid.
 -------------------
Rav Ovadiya Yosef (Yabia Omer E.H. 3:18.13) : And in truth even according to the view of the poskim who hold that one does not force the husband to give a get when she claims ma'us alei, nevertheless there is a view that says there is a mitzva for the husband to divorce her and surely when there is a concern that because of the delay in get a get she will go off the derech. As we find in Shita Mekubetes (Kesubos 64)," Rabbeinu Yona wrote, "Even though we don't force a man to give a get when the wife says he is ma'us alei (disgusting to me) - that is only referring to forcing him by beating him with staffs. However beis din informs him that he has a mitzva to divorce her and they advise him to divorce her. And if he doesn't not in fact divorce her then this is a case of when a person transgresses the words of the rabbis that it is permitted to call him a sinner. However Rabbeinu Tam disagreed and said that even this we don't say to him but if he should come to ask whether he should divorce her without her getting the kesuba then beis din gives him the advice that he should divorce her immediately." Furthermore the Rema (Y.D. 248:20) writes that when the wife says ma'us alei the husband is obligated to divorce her. The Taz notes that the Rema here is only reporting the view of the Rambam but the Rema's true view is recorded in E.H. 77 where he doesn't mention that the husband should be forced to divorce her. But according to what we have said the words of the Rema (Y.D. 248.20) has a solid basis and that is the words of Rabbeinu Yonah. This is also noted by my friend the Tzitz Eliezar (5:26.4) based on the Noda B'Yehuda Kama (YD 68) who brings the words of the Rema as halacha l'maaseh and foundation principle. He notes that there is a basis to utilize this view at times of need according to the specific facts and needs of the time and appropriateness - depending on the evaluation of the beis din. I also say that in contemporary society with the degradation of the generations in free countries where every man does what he thinks is correct and there is a great increase in arrogance in the world and experience has taught that when a woman leaves her husband with the claim of ma'us alei and she is in limbo without receiving a get - that she will go and live with other men without the slightest shame or sense of embarrasment. As a result there is an increase in mamzerim in the world. In such a case we say that their degradation is to their benefit. This is expressed by the Ramban (Kesubos 63b), "Chas V'Shalom I am not arguing against the decree of the Gaonim to force him to divorce his wife and not only that but I strongly criticize those who say that it is not correct to follow their decrees but only the law as stated in the Talmud. In fact it is correct to listen to the Gaonim and to follow their decrees. Nevertheless now it is best to be very concern not to follow their decree because it has been abrogated because of the immorality of the generation." In other words in the time of the Ramban, even though women then had the brazeness to claim ma'us alei but they did not reach the extreme of chutpza to live with another man without recieving a get as we find in our days. But in the days before Moshiach as we are in now it is extremely relevant to considering returning to the decree of the Gaonim. And this is surely true when she is young and there is a real concern that she will go off the derech and there isn't much chance that she will return to her husband. Therefore it would appear that those who want to do something to force the husband to give a get have a solid basis for that decision. That is because the concerns that existed at the time of the Gaonim that the woman might go off the derech have returned. [In the time of the Gaonim the concern was that the woman would convert to Christianitity for Islam rather than face end her days as an anguna]. Thus we see that whether the get should be forced or not is dependent on the particular time and era. And thus I have seen the gedol hador - Rav Chaim Palaggi in his Chaim v'Shalom (2:35) where he writes regarding forcing the husband that the view of a number of poskim including the Beis Yosef that the husband should not be forced to give a get. He writes, "Nevertheless acording to everyone agrees that the woman is not forced to live with the husband. Therefore after a year or two after the time that they have separated from each other it would appear that he should be forced to divorce her. That is because there are two factors.  The man is not able to exist without a wife and the wife herself is not able to be without a husband. And this is surely true where she is young that we have to be concerned for disasterous results when she is chained as an aguna. Just look at how lenient the poskim are concerning preventing agunos in particular when she is young until they even go the extreme of relying on a minority opinion.  And surely the obligation lies on every dayan to be lenient is this manner in order to avoid trouble for both the man and the woman."

Rav Chaim Palaggi is a great tree that one can rely on and surely in our day. And it is the same thing in cases where it is possible to combine various disputes of the poskim besides the claim of ma'us alei to be lenient. Also study Chaim V' Shalom (2:112), If there is a dispute between a husband and wife and the wife wants to be divorced and the husband refuses - one should establish a limited time for the matter to be resolved. And if we wait until 18 months  and we have despaired of reconcilliation and it appears to beis din that there is nothing more than can be done for the marriage - they should separate the couple and force the husband to give a get until he proclaim,I want to give it.All of this that I have written is for the honor of G-d and His Torah."
 It is possible that Rav Palaggi is not talking about forcing with clubs but rather just calling him a sinner or similar techniques which is in accord with the view of Rabbeinu Yona and the Rema which we mentioned before.
. .

Importance of husband being boss:Chesed l'Avraham

[[Translation from Daas Torah- copyrighted]]

Chesed L’ Avraham (Maayin 4: Nahar 48): You should know that Shir HaShirim is concerned with the issue of chasan and kallah. The chasan alludes to the Shechinah (Divine Presence) and the kallah to the Jewish people. It is known that all the attributes of G‑d are measure for measure. In other words to the degree that a person conducts himself in relationship to G‑d so too will his wife conduct herself in relationship to him. That is why our Sages say that if a man merits it then his wife assists him but if he doesn’t merit it then she will be his opponent. She will rebel against him when he rebels against G‑d. But this principle is only relevant for tzadikim. Consequently every ben Torah whose wife does not obey him has no right to complain because he brought this on himself. In contrast, the wicked have their lives conducted on the basis of natural phenomenon and their wives obey them when they are afraid of them.

You should know that it is not appropriate that the wife should be seated on the right side of her husband but only on the left side. However the kallah at the chupah at the time when the sheva berachos (7 blessings) are being recited, it is necessay for the kallah to be standing on the right side of the chasan...The reason for this that there is a major segula (remedy) that if the chasan is careful to place his right foot on the kallah’s left foot at the time of the sheva berachos, he that succeeds at this is more likely to be able to rule over his wife for his whole life and she will be subservient to him and obedient to his every word. However if the kallah is careful to place her left foot on the chasan’s right foot – then she will rule over him all her life. There was an incident in which the chasan placed his right foot on the left foot of his kallah during sheva berachos in order that he should rule over her. When the kallah told her father about this he taught her and cautioned her that the time of the first intercourse that she should ask the chasan to bring to her a pitcher of water and by means of this it would cause that she should rule over him all of her day. This is a segula (remedy) to nullify the effects of the segula (remedy) of placing his right foot to rule over the kallah....

The basis of this segula is that the woman is from the left side and her conduct is based on the strict level of right and wrong which is difficult. In such a house run by the strict level of justice there is no lack of sickness and poverty and something else. Happy is the household that is run by the man because it is as if it is run by the attribute of mercy. Consequently there will be no bad happenings that will happen in that household because the Shechina (Divine Presence) is manifest in a house which is conducted according to the attribute of mercy. You should also know that there are three types of gevura (might) in man. The first is the might which is involved in conquering many lands. The second type is even greater than the first and is the gevura in controlling his wife. The third which is the hardest is the gevura in controlling his evil inclination.

Otzer HaPoskim:Kuntres Ma'us Alei & Forced Get

This morning I had a chance to sit down with Otzer HaPoskim which effectively collects and collates all the issues that we have been dealing with here. For those who would really like to get to the bottom line on the topic of the use of force when the woman says she can't stand her husband - look at the last volume dealing with Shulchan Aruch (E. H. 77:2). There you will find a 36 pages  kuntres of the relevant sources. The issue of the suffering of the woman vs the stablity of the institution of marriage is there. The problem of the rights of the husband versus the real problem that women will give up yiddishkeit if trapped in a unhappy marriage. The problem of the availability of heterim and their use when the wife simply gets bored with her husband or finds another man who is more interesting. There is also a section of whether the problem of get me'usa is a concern only l'chatichila or even bedieved. In other words if the woman remarries do we force the second husband to divorce her because we are afraid that the first get was posul. I also found the Rav Chaim Palaggi that had been mentioned as well as an interesting Rabbeinu Yonah [to be continued]

Israeli-Arabs move into Jewish neighborhoods

Tablet Magazine

In the Jewish state, Jews and Arabs generally live separately. Even in so-called mixed cities like Haifa, Akko, Jaffa, Lod, Ramle, and Jerusalem—whose heterogeneous populations predate statehood—there are Arab neighborhoods and Jewish ones. It’s unusual to find members of the two communities living on the same block, let alone in the same apartment building.

Most people seem to like it this way. Even for those who consider themselves liberals, their ideal is more often “separate but equal” than equal and integrated. But in recent years, things have been changing, if only because conditions in Arab municipalities are anything but equal to those in Jewish towns.

Prof. Aziz Haidar discovered just to what extent several years ago, when he and his colleagues at the Jerusalem Van Leer Institute began mapping the Arab citizenry of Israel. They started with the raw population statistics compiled by the Central Bureau of Statistics, but when they added up the numbers of Arabs living in all the country’s Arab municipalities and in its mixed cities, “we discovered that there were 60,000 missing,” he said. That is, that the sum they arrived at was 60,000 less than the total number of Israelis classified in their identity cards as Arabs—in 2010, some 1.5 million. “It turned out,” Haidar said, “that they were living in Jewish cities. That was a big surprise.”

Spitzer sentenced to 7 years for arson attack

lohud

Shaul Spitzer, a follower of the New Square grand rebbe, has been sentenced to seven years in prison for first-degree assault in the attack on Aron Rottenberg at 4:15 a.m. May 22 during an attempt to burn down the family's home on Truman Avenue in New Square.

Spitzer was sentenced this morning in state Supreme Court in New City.

Rottenberg, 44, once a plumber, continues to recover from third-degree burns over 50 percent of his body, suffered when Spitzer set off an incediary device while grappling with Rottenberg. Spitzer suffered burns to his hands and arms.

Koran Giveaway in Germany is problematic

NYTimes

BERLIN — A drive by a fundamentalist Muslim group to give a copy of the Koran to every German, Swiss and Austrian household has tapped into the widespread anti-Islamic feeling in Germany and created an uproar among politicians and security officials concerned that the group handing out the holy books is using the campaign as a cover to recruit radicals. 

There is nothing illegal about distributing religious works in Germany — it is a frequent practice of Scientologists and Hare Krishnas, not to mention Christians — but officials are worried about who is doing the distributing. 

The Koran campaign is the brainchild of Ibrahim Abou-Nagie, a Palestinian who preaches a fiery conservative brand of Islam known as Salafism.

Disabilities Act Used by Lawyers in Flood of Suits

NYTimes

A small cadre of lawyers, some from out of state, are using New York City’s age and architectural quirkiness as the foundation for a flood of lawsuits citing violations of the Americans With Disabilities Act. 

The lawyers are generally not acting on existing complaints from people with disabilities. Instead, they identify local businesses, like bagel shops and delis, that are not in compliance with the law, and then aggressively recruit plaintiffs from advocacy groups for people with disabilities. 

The plaintiffs typically collect $500 for each suit, and each plaintiff can be used several times over. The lawyers, meanwhile, make several thousands of dollars, because the civil rights law entitles them to legal fees from the noncompliant businesses.

Chin inplants - up 71% in 2011

CBC

Cosmetic chin surgery is on the rise among women and men in the United States, most notably in people over the age of 40.

The number of "chinplants" increased 71 per cent between 2010 and 2011 according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) - faster than breast augmentation, Botox and liposuction combined

Get Me'usa: L'chatchila vs. Bedieved????

A simple question has been raised. It seems that even though there are rishonim who allow pressure of various types for a man to give his wife a get - the Achronim require being very cautious because of the possibility the get was not given freely. In short they are choshesh that the pressure produced a get me'usa and thus is invalid.  

What happens if the concerns are ignored. It apparently means at most that there is the possibility that the get is invalid but it is not certain. It also means that we are concerned at most with the possibility that someone might not want to marry the woman - but not that the children are in fact mamzerim. Thus if woman want to take the chance that they might lose a part of the population as possible husbands - what is wrong with allowing this to happen - especially she has a number of major rabbis advocating she do so?

Fired Ramaz nurse can sue for reporting abuse

Forward

A former school nurse at the Ramaz School in New York who says she was fired for reporting a possible case of child abuse can sue the school under the state’s whistleblower law.

The New York State Court of Appeals court ruled April 12 in a 3-2 vote that Joyce Villarin can sue the school for retaliatory termination, upholding a 2010 decision from Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Milton Tingling.

Ramaz encouraged Villarin, who had been working at the school for a year when the incident occurred, not to report the incident to authorities. She was fired in April 2008 after reporting the incident because the school said she was “not a team player.”

Jailing rape victim to ensure testimony

NYTimes

 In a case that has pitted law-enforcement officials against advocates of victims’ rights, prosecutors in Sacramento County, Calif., have detained a 17-year-old girl for twice failing to appear in court to testify against the man accused of raping her. 

The prosecutors say that testimony from the teenager, who twice ran away from a foster home before scheduled court appearances, is critical in the upcoming trial against a man who has a long criminal record and is also suspected of raping at least one other woman. But the teenager’s lawyer and victims’ advocates say that the detention would discourage others, especially those who have been sexually assaulted, from coming forward. They described the move as a setback in a state with some of the country’s strongest laws protecting victims.

Muslims on Wall Street, Bridging Two Traditions

NYTimes

Young Muslims, one of the newest groups to make inroads in American finance, can face steep barriers to entry. Some obstacles are remnants of a less tolerant era. But prominent, too, are the limitations of Islam itself — a faith whose tenets, Muslim workers say, often seem at odds with Wall Street’s sometimes bacchanalian culture. 

Granted, for the many Muslims in New York and elsewhere who have made peace with a more secular culture, working on Wall Street may not pose any problem. And Muslims, of course, aren’t the only ones whose values can clash with the ways of Wall Street. Orthodox Jews, conservative Christians and other faithful working in finance have all, at one point, had to square their beliefs and practices with an environment in which money, not God, is king. 

But for observant Muslims hoping to keep the values and practices of Islamic law, known as Sharia, intact even as they climb the ladder, the calculus can be messy.

Chazon Ish: Rare video

The Chazon Ish from Lakewood246 on Vimeo.

Cohabiting doesn't prevent divorce

NYTimes

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis. 

In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce. 

But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.[...]

Coaches Face New Scrutiny on Sex Abuse

NYTimes

The case of Jerry Sandusky, a former defensive coordinator for Penn State’s football team accused of child sexual abuse, is now working its way through the courts. But it is already having an impact on thousands of other coaches, both volunteer and paid, who find themselves facing new scrutiny from parents, sports organizations and even state legislators. 

Since the Penn State scandal came to light in November, lawmakers in more than a dozen states, including New York, California and Pennsylvania, have introduced bills adding coaches, athletic directors or university officials to the list of “mandated reporters” of suspected child abuse or neglect. In the past month, such bills have been signed in Virginia, Washington and West Virginia, with several other states expected to follow suit.[...]

Gedolim suspected Chazon Ish & Ben Gurion of compromise

The Pesach edition of Mishpacha has a very strange story about the meeting of the Chazon Ish with Ben Gurion concerning the issue of religious women participating in national service. The head of the Eida Chareidis Rav Bengis and apparently the Brisker Rav - suspected that the Chazon Ish was planning on compromising with Ben Gurion. They wrote a letter to the Chazon Ish to clarify whether the rumors of compromise were true. Chazon Ish replied that he never intended to compromise with Ben Gurion.

 Rav Bengis explained why he suspected the Chazon Ish. "Ben-Gurion is no fool. He will not allow himself to leave the meeting without having accomplished anything. If he has decided to visit the Chazon Ish's home - with all the publicity his appearance there will generate - it must be that he knows, or that they already arranged that he will come away with some sort of agreement. Clearly this meeting is only going to be the final state in the process."

This is an  adaption of an article which appeared in"Yeshurun" (Vol. 20, Nissan 5768, pp. 296-299)

Chazon Ish - R Grossman DiaryHebrewbooks_org_46426

Minchas Yitzchok: Awarding father - son's custody

Question: There is a boy - the son of one of the Jerusalem community leaders and his wife whose marriage ended in divorce – who has been in his mother’s custody for a year and a half. The wife is now living with her parents in Los Angeles which is far from Brooklyn where the father now lives. The father’s home is in fact in Jerusalem while in New York he doesn’t own a home. Therefore it is basically impossible for him to see his son and to be with him in either spiritual or materialistic ties. All those who have been in his house saw directly that the child had a very strong ties with his father besides the physical materialistic aspect but there was also a strong spiritual connection. Even when the child was in a cradle the father would bring him to the beis medrash for chagim in order that he should hear holy words.... It is obvious that if the son remains in Los Angeles which is very far from the father – there is no possiblity for the father to educate him but the he would have to spend all his time in travel between the two places... And the father is an important leader who is much needed by the community. In addition his main home is in Jerusalem and it would be very degrading to require him to travel to his former wife’s home in order to educate his son... For all the above reasons and others like them it is simply impossible for his son to receive a proper education if he is not with his father. Thus the question is whether the Torah requires that the boy be given to him in order to raise him properly. It is not relevant to claim that he needs his mother because when she was married the child was raised by a baby sitter from whom he received care that was superb. Therefore it would seem that to the one who is asking the question – that the father is correct and he should regain custody. [ after four pages of careful analysis he concludes]. Answer... According to all we have discussed it would appear in my opinion that there is no question that the father is correct in his desire to have custody of his son in order to raise him and educate him in his way and that of his holy ancestors. It is obviously understood that this is to be done in a manner that the mother is not prevented from having the opportunity whenever she wants to come and to see her son and to get joy from her offspring...

שו_ת מנחת יצחק חלק ז סימן קיג

Rape victims labeled crazy by military

CNN

Stephanie Schroeder joined the U.S. Marine Corps not long after 9/11. She was a 21-year-old with an associate's degree when she reported for boot camp at Parris Island, South Carolina. "I felt like it was the right thing to do," Schroeder recalls. A year and a half later, the Marines diagnosed her with a personality disorder and deemed her psychologically unfit for the Corps.

Anna Moore enlisted in the Army after 9/11 and planned to make a career of it. Moore was a Patriot missile battery operator in Germany when she was diagnosed with a personality disorder and dismissed from the Army.

Jenny McClendon was serving as a sonar operator on a Navy destroyer when she received her personality disorder diagnosis.

These women joined different branches of the military but they share a common experience:

Each received the psychiatric diagnosis and military discharge after reporting a sexual assault.