Maaneh Center of Beit Shemesh: The proper way to deal with child abuse

Rabbi Shmuel Z. Eidensohn

update Feb 23: Added comments below - from Shana Aaronson - Magen's Social Services Coordinator - about relationship of Maaneh to - Magen

Yesterday Dr. Baruch Shulem and I went to visit the Maaneh Center in Beit Shemesh. The founder and chairman of the center is my nephew , Rabbi Shmuel Zalman Eidensohn. Aside from the center he also runs the major tzedaka organization  for the chareidi community in Beit Shemesh and is a recognized master educator supervising four schools - one of which is in Switzerland. He invited us to get to see the center which has been operating for several years and to discuss the approach of the Maaneh Center with himself and the director Rabbi Aryeh Levi.

When people think about the mishandling of child abuse - there are two names that automatically come to mind - the Catholic Church and Orthodox Jews. This has been reinforced in the last few weeks for all of us who have been following the horrifying news from Australia where the Royal Commission has revealed serious lapses of moral, legal and commonsense judgments of the Orthodox community leadership in dealing with child abuse. In addition to the nasty campaign against the Waks family for courageously fighting to protect children from abuse.

One solution is a call to carefully keep the laws of mandated reporting. Others add that it is important to eliminate the statute of limitations so that even 50 years after a teenage boy molests one of his friends - he can be tried and sent to jail even if it were a one time occurrence. There are calls for harsh punishment, public embarrassment in the media and even castration. 

But others point out that a zero tolerance approach which relies solely on the justice system runs into the problem that the police often do nothing about the problem - either because no one will press charges or testify or they handle the matter in an insensitive manner or many times don't take the complaints seriously. Most of those charged are not convicted and even if convicted of serious and repeated abuse - get relatively light sentences of 5-8 years and then they are back in the community again until they are caught molesting another child. Thus relying on the criminal justice system doesn't provide a comprehensive high level of protection - but it is clearly better than nothing.

On the other hand we hear cries from the family of the victim not to harm their son/daughter by insisting on reporting the crime to the police and forcing their 10 year old to be destroyed through cross examination and the negative reputation that  will be carried for the rest of his/her life. People ask why should the family - of not only the victim but of the perpetrator - have to suffer from the victim going to the police. As a result of this realistic fear of collateral damage, many cases of abuse are not reported and the perpetrator continues harming others. Thus protection for the victim or punishment for the perpetrator - often comes at great cost to innocent others. 

As a result there are calls for the community to handle the problem internally - in particular that rabbis should investigate and prescribe solutions. Unfortunately rabbis are typically incompetent in this area or don't have the time to check out facts. In addition they have no legal powers to require testimony or enforce judgments. All this is has been frequently been reported on this blog. Besides incompetents there is another perhaps more serious problem. Associated with the community based approach we hear of victims who never recover from the betrayal when family and rabbis either don't believe them when they report that their teacher or uncle molested them or they are told to remain silent for the good of shidduchim or the community or yeshiva name.

Finally in addition to the problem of dealing with real crimes we have a serious problem of false accusations. We hear cases of teachers or neighbors whose lives have been destroyed by false accusations. We hear of communities that in their mortal fear of child abuse - misinterpret the words and behavior of children - make serious accusations against the innocent. It is critical that false accusations need to be avoided while genuine accusation need to lead to protection and healing.

So what is the solution. The secular laws and enforcement agency are severely limited in how and what they do. They are often insensitive or ignorant about working with victims and the community to maximize protection and punishment while minimizing collateral damage. This is especially true when the community of Orthodox Jews is basically an alien world for secular and non-Orthodox. But the secular bodies are the only ones who have the power to do anything. On the other hand members of the community including rabbis, teachers are much more aware of what is needed to minimize collateral damage - but lacking power often they push for covering up the crimes as the best way to avoid collateral damage which they often view as worse than the abuse itself. Additionally how the problem is handled for Satmar chassidim is not that which works for the Religious Zionists. Similarly what works for  secular Jews will not work for recent olim from America or Russia. Thus a mechanical solution is not good. Rather each case needs an individualized solution - tailor made for it from the range of resources.

In a 75 minute frank discussion, we heard of how the center successfully works together with the police and government social agencies to carefully investigate all charges to ascertain not only if they are true but also precisely what has happened. Furthermore false accusations are not rare. But at the same time there is an active integration with the community leaders - daas Torah - as well was teachers and principals. This gives the families the security of knowing that they are doing the right thing and leads to greater cooperation with the secular authorities. This gives the police and legal system much greater flexibility in not only protecting the victim but also punishing and rehabilitating the perpetrators - with the minimum collateral damage to others. 

In short we were impressed that the Center has genuinely succeeded in a creating a synergy of the different components - secular agencies, law enforcement and judicial bodies, rabbinical authorities, community, family - so each is able to contribute maximally in an integrated approach which is clearly a win-win approach. The Maaneh Center provides its services to all members of the Beit Shemesh community not just the chareidi population.

====================================================

David Morris

From Shana Aaronson - Magen's Social Service Coordinator:- Magen

I'd like to offer some clarifications as to the difference between Maane and Magen, at least as I understand them, which perhaps may be helpful to readers who are unclear.

First, Maane is a therapeutic treatment center for children, working primarily with victims of abuse, but also with other childhood issues. On a personal level, for example, when my 6 year old was struggling with some social anxiety, his pediatrician recommended Maane as a resource where I might find a suitable therapist. Magen, on the other hand, is a child protection organization. We provide 1- educational events and resources, 2- a 24 hour hotline for inquiries and assistance, 3- short and long term support and guidance for victims and survivors (which includes (but is not limited to), as Rav Eidenson said, referrals for individual and group therapy, support and guidance through the reporting process and trial, as well as assistance in finding any other forms of assistance they may need (Rabbanim, educational programs, other organizations etc) 4- management of cases of known or alleged perpetrators where a risk is posed to the Jewish community (eg warning the community when a known offender has moved into the neighborhood).

Second, Maane serves the population of Bet Shemesh (and Ramat Bet Shemesh) exclusively, while Magen caters to clients from all over Israel, who are seeking information, resources, referrals or support in this area. As well, Magen offers assistance to victims and survivors in situations where there is an international component (ie the victim or perpetrator has moved, or the actual abuse happened elsewhere) working with organizations and authorities from other countries to provide needed resources to survivors.

There is, in practice, very little overlap between the functioning of the two organizations, with, I believe, much room present for joint work. In my capacity as social services coordinator for Magen, I have referred several clients to Maane for therapy there has been professional consultations between the two organizations as well.

As well, while there certainly appears to be ideological differences between the two organizations where it comes to reporting, I suspect that in practice, the differences are not quite as vast. Magen, Maane, and all other responsible profssional agencies, will follow the laws of chovat divuach (mandated reporting) wherever it applies, including in the unfortunate cases where it goes against the families wishes. Obviously Magen, and I assume Maane, do our best to help make the process as smooth and painless for the family.

I suspect that the cases where differences in reporting policies may be more apparent are those where the mandated reporting laws do not apply. I can only speak for Magen in saying that, in the event that a client wishes to bring a formal complaint to the authorities, Magen will always make every effort to support any victim through the reporting process and trial, which as anyone involved with this field knows, can be long and difficult. Of course, I cannot speak for Maane's policy in those cases.

Another assumed difference is the hashkafic background of each organizations respective clientele; many assume Magen caters exclusively to the Dati-leumi community while Maane caters to the Chareidi community. In practice, approximately 60% of Magen's clients identify as Chareidi and as Rav Eideson mentioned above (and I admit I was pleasantly surprised to hear-I was not previously aware) Maane caters to clients from outside of the chareidi community as well.

On a more mundane note, as a social services agency, Magen does not charge for its services, while Maane does charge for its therapeutic counseling services. There may be subsidies available, and I am not aware whether or not they charge for consultation.[Maane does provide subsidies - the exact nature needs to be clarified with the staff DT]

On a personal level, as a young mother raising children in Ramat Bet Shemesh, I am pleased to live in a city that takes this issue seriously enough that there are not one, but two (albeit very different) organizations equipped to address the issue of child safety and protection. I hope that the above offers a bit of clarification, with hopes that no reader will ever require the services of either organization!

Epstein defense of torture/kidnapping: The husbands wanted to be forced!

Guest post: According to documents filed late last week, Epstein is apparently now claiming that he is innocent because he believed that the men consented to being kidnapped and beaten, and Stimmler is apparently now claiming -- based on an affidavit from Rabbi Breitowitz -- he can't be prosecuted because he was just following Jewish Law.

From a letter that Epstein's lawyer wrote to the judge:

Mendel Epstein believes that the victims of these alleged kidnappings consented, by virtue of their signing of the marriage ketubbah promising to be bound by the laws of Moses and Israel, both to the authority of the beth din and to the halakhic process of the “forced” get as the term is described by Maimonides. The argument is not that he was motivated by his desire to help agunahs escape their impossible position, and that this excuses his criminal conduct because this was a religious belief (although certainly he is entitled to present such evidence to rebut the Government’s assertion that he was motivated by the desire to obtain money), but that he lacked the intent to commit the crimes of kidnapping and conspiracy.

“[T]he Constitution guarantees criminal defendants a meaningful opportunity to present a complete defense.” Crane v. Kentucky, 476 U.S. 683, 690 (1986) (internal quotation mark’s omitted). These defendants are thus entitled to present religious beliefs that are relevant to the issue of specific intent to commit the crimes of conspiracy and kidnapping and whether they believed that the victims consented to the compelled get, as factual determinations for a properly instructed jury. United States v. Hsia, 24 F. Supp. 2d at 43; United States v. Bertram, 477 F.2d 1329 1330 (10th Cir. 1973) (defendant’s testimony as to his religious beliefs, although not a defense to his criminal conduct, is admissible as “evidence of state of mind establishing that there was no criminal intent”). [...]

 The Government has already made the religious beliefs of the defendant’s part of this case, even if there were not a basis for their admission as to the issue of intent. Here, the Government relied on religious law to set up their sting operation to ensure that Rabbi Epstein would involve himself and others in convening the beth din for issuance of the required psak. They are presenting videos and recordings demonstrating the religious process itself. Yesterday morning their expert, ostensibly used to explain the dictionary definition of Talmudic terms, explained the get process, the religious beliefs underlyingthe obtaining of a get, and what was and was not permissible under Talmudic or rabbinical law, offering his opinion that the use of physical force is not permissible. Indeed, their expert testified about Dina D’malchusa Dina, a religious concept which is not found on any of the tapes or mentioned in any other evidence. The only possible reason the Government wanted it mentioned was so that the jury would draw the inference that defendants were not authorized to use force by Jewish law, and were in fact acting contrary to it.

From a letter from the U.S. Atttorney:

After agreeing with the Court that he “is not claiming a religious right to kidnap,” 1/28/15 Transcript (“Tr.”) at 57-58,1 defendant Stimler has abruptly changed course and now claims in his “renewed motion” to dismiss that he is raising precisely such a claim under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (“RFRA”). According to the supplementary declaration provided by Rabbi Breitowitz, Jewish law does permit the use of force to compel a recalcitrant husband to grant his wife a religious divorce under certain circumstances. Rabbi Breitowitz acknowledges that his initial declaration did not make that assertion, blaming the omission on defense counsel, who did not ask for such an assertion. Stimler does not argue in his renewed motion that the Court was incorrect in denying his original motion based on the information supplied to the Court. Rather, he contends that the additional information supplied by Rabbi Breitowitz should cause this Court to reverse itself. [...]

Given Stimler’s sandbagging tactics, the Government is in no position to dispute Rabbi Breitowitz’s assertions that at least some reputable Jewish legal authorities permit the use of physical violence to coerce a recalcitrant husband to grant a divorce, so long as the use of force is specifically authorized by a religious tribunal (beth din). See Supp.Decl. at ¶ ¶ 7, 8, and 9.2 The Indictment alleges that, before using physical violence to extract an agreement to divorce from a recalcitrant husband, defendants convened a beth din “which issued a contempt order, known as a ‘seruv,’ against the husband,” and that “[i]f the husband failed to respond, the beth din issued a ruling, known as a ‘psak din,’ authorizing the use of coercion and force to obtain the get.” Indictment, Count 1, ¶ 6.

Notably, however, Rabbi Breitowitz does not assert that Jewish law condones the use of violence to compel a recalcitrant husband to grant a Jewish divorce is permitted if, as the Indictment alleges here,3 the violence was perpetrated or defendants offered to perpetrate the violence in exchange for money. Stimler suggests that such might not be the case. Stimler Reply Brief, D.E. 188, 6 (“The Government may have a ‘compelling interest’ in prosecuting any individual who conspires to kidnap and possibly engage in violence for motives other than religious ones (such as obtaining ‘money or other things of value from agunot’)).” Certainly, an act performed altruistically to help a “chained woman” escape an oppressive marriage is very different from acting as a “hired gun,” and nothing in Rabbi Breitowitz’s supplementary declaration supports the notion that the latter is a mitvah, much less a religious obligation of Orthodox Jews.

Epstein Wolmark Torture Trial: Did the FBI get a phoney seruv from the Beis Din of America to entrap Epstein or is it a forgery?

There is a very interesting - and as far as I know - previously unaddressed  question in this  alleged torture for hire case.  The FBI agents playing the "wife" and "her brother" in setting up the sting operation told Epstein and Wolmark that the "wife" had a seruv from the Beis Din of America which they gave to Wolmark. This was one of the items that was seized by the FBI as noted in the complaint (below) by the defendants lawyer. The non-existent husband name was given as Alejandro Marconi.

 Where did the FBI get this seruv? There seem to be 3 alternatives 1) The seruv is a forgery by the FBI. 2) The Beis Din of America provided a phony seruv to the FBI to entrap the defendants. 3) The  Beis Din of America provided a seruv in what they thought was a genuine case - without talking to the husband. Anyone know which of the 3 alternatives is correct?

Epstein - Wolmark Divorce Torture Trial:Recording of FBI agents talking to Wolmark

NY Daily News



The Prodfather was referred to as a "special" rabbi who worked as a "hired hand" to help Jewish women obtain their religious divorces, a recording revealed Thursday.

The remark was made during a conversation between Rabbi Martin Wolmark, 56, and an undercover agent posing as a Jewish woman in desperate need of help to convince her husband to give her a religious divorce called a get.

Wolmark told her the woman the potential beatdown procedure could be "very costly" and that she needed the assistance of Rabbi Mendel Epstein. The woman was charged $60,000, according to prosecutors.

"You need special rabbis who are going to take this thing and see it through to the end," Wolmark, 56, said in the call played in federal court in New Jersey.

"It's a process," he added, noting a Jewish court would first have to authorize the group of rabbis to take action.

The undercover, who was joined by another agent pretending to be her brother, claimed her husband lived in Argentina but frequently traveled to New York.

"You need to get him to New York where someone can harass him or nail him," Wolmark told her.

In January, Wolmark pleaded guilty to conspiring to travel to New Jersey to force a man to give his wife a get. Five other codefendants in the case have also pleaded guilty.

Manny Waks: I'm the 'troublemaker' who blew the whistle on Jewish abuse scandal

The Guardian    When he was 18 years old, Manny Waks turned his back on life within the Judaism known as Chabad. But the effects on his life remain profound.

Orthodox sect of

Now 38, Waks is still unable to read a novel, so dictated was his childhood by religious texts. Until the age of about 29, he believed rubbing his eyes with his fingers after waking up in the morning would cause him to go blind unless he carried out a religious washing ceremony first.

But the most damage has been caused by the repeated sexual abuse he suffered within the umbrella organisation for the movement in Australia, known as Yeshivah. 

Waks grew up across the street from Melbourne’s Yeshivah Centre, where all of his schooling and extracurricular activities took place. He and his family were completely immersed within the Yeshivah community, and anything beyond its radius was foreign to them.

For the past fortnight, that secretive world has been comprehensively picked apart at the royal commission into institutional responses into child sexual abuse.[...]

The hearings represent the first time the Sydney and Melbourne Yeshivah centres, headquarters to the Orthodox Chabad sect of Judaism, have been scrutinised in public, and Waks’ evidence has played a central part in that process.[...]

It does not matter that peak Jewish bodies have publicly said the concept of mesirah does not, and should never, apply to cases of child sexual abuse. Even today, Waks says, victims remain fearful of being shunned.

“The fact that to this day I am the only victim who has been willing to be named should say plenty,” Waks says.

“It is easier for me than for other victims, because I am no longer in that world. Most child sex abuse victims prefer anonymity because of a range of taboos and stigmas attached to them. It’s very sensitive. 

“But within the Yeshivah community, those issues and barriers are multiplied tenfold, and by speaking out against them, your life will potentially be over. You will feel the consequences, you will be damaged goods.”[...]

Why does a divorce require the husband to give a Get and the wife to receive it?

   The Get and the Kesubah

Rabbis' absolute power: how sex abuse tore apart Australia's Orthodox Jewish community

The Guardian     Orthodox Judaism has never been exposed to such scrutiny. From a Melbourne courtroom, the torment of the Chabad rabbis was streamed live to the world as the royal commission into institutional responses to child sexual abuse probed the city’s secretive and powerful Yeshivah community.

Sharp divisions in the Jewish world have been exposed. Two rabbis, including one of the nation’s most prominent, have been forced from their posts. Whistleblowers, humiliated and ostracised for years by Yeshivah, have been dramatically vindicated. More victims have come forward. More criminal charges may follow. Yeshivah schools face a nightmare of civil litigation.

The cast is Jewish, yet the bones of this story are familiar to anyone who has followed the scandal of child abuse in Christian schools and parishes. Rabbis and bishops have shown over the years much the same failings when faced with a choice between guarding the prestige of their faiths and the safety of children. This story is about the dangers in any cult of blind obedience to holy men.[...]

Kramer had taught at the Yeshivah primary school in late 1989. The young American rabbi was immediately popular and immediately began molesting children. The number of his victims is not known, perhaps dozens, including two of the sons of Zephaniah Waks.

Waks was a most unwise man to cross. The Waks name is all through this story. Tenacity runs in the family. Half measures aren’t in their DNA. Their sense of right and wrong is strong and personal. As the father of 17 children, Zephaniah Waks had more than proved his dedication to Chabad. But in the end those children would mean more to him than any obligations to the sect.

Waks discovered the abuse in 1992. He says he complained to the principal of the Yeshivah school, Rabbi Abraham Glick. Within hours, Waks learned that Kramer had admitted the abuse. When he wasn’t fired, Waks says, he confronted Glick again, only to be told: “There is a danger of self-harm. So we can’t fire him.” [...]

Waks was outraged by the failure to act. He didn’t call the police because at this time he had no doubt that doing so “would be in breach of the Jewish principle of mesirah”. This ancient rule, still alive among the followers of many faiths including Judaism, threatens believers with expulsion if they take crimes within the faith to the civil authorities.

Waks called a meeting of parents hoping to pressure the school to sack Kramer. Hours before it was due to begin, he was told Kramer had been dismissed. What he did not discover until years later was that Groner had given Kramer an air ticket to Israel, on condition he leave Australia immediately.[...]

In 1996, Zephaniah Waks was appalled to discover another of his sons had been abused. Back from Israel for his sister’s wedding, Manny Waks had heard about Operation Paradox, the hotline for abuse victims run each year by Victoria police. In the history of combating abuse in many institutions and many faiths, Operation Paradox was to play an honoured role.

Manny told his father he had been abused for many years at Yeshivah, first by the son of a senior Chabad rabbi and then by Cyprys. He believes the abuse ruined his childhood. It was known in the playground, and he was mocked for being gay. He became wild and alienated from his schooling and his family. By the time of his Bar Mitzvah he had come to loathe the Chabad way of life. “I was lost,” he told the commission, “in the only world I knew.”

The police were called. Cyprys denied everything.

With the pluck so typical of his family, Manny confronted Groner in the street and told him of his abuse. “The conversation was a brief one,” he told the royal commission. “It seemed clear to me that Rabbi Groner was aware of the circumstances so there was very little I had to say. He said that Yeshivah was dealing with Cyprys and that I should not do anything of my own accord.”[...]

And Waks is still waiting for an apology from the peak Jewish bodies which did not stand up for him and the other victims. “They must apologise not just for the abuse, not just for the cover-ups. They left us out to dry.”

Another Chabad Rabbi - Daniel Walker - writes letter of support for Beth

update Friday 19th Another Chabad Rabbi - Bentzi Sudak - the CEO of Chabad in the UK:- wrote a letter of support   click link to see Rabbi Sudak's letter.

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Man declared deadbeat for failing to pay child support for another man's child

KFOR     A child support case in Detroit gained national attention after the man proved he was not the father of the child in question.

Carnell Alexander says he was shocked when he was arrested during a traffic stop in the early 1990s.

The officer told Alexander that he was being arrested for being a deadbeat dad.

However, Alexander didn’t have any children.

The case started in the late eighties when Alexander’s ex-girlfriend had a child.

She said she needed help providing for the boy, but was told that in order to get welfare assistance, she had to name a father on the paperwork.

She said she decided to put down Alexander’s name, even though she knew he couldn’t be the father.

That’s when the state started a paternity case against him to collect money for the assistance that was provided.

A process-server turned in paperwork, claiming that Alexander was given notice of the case.

However, the Michigan Department of Corrections says that is impossible since he was incarcerated at the time. [...]

Barry Freundel pleads guilty to 52 counts of videotaping women in mikveh

Washington Post    Barry Freundel, a once-prominent D.C. Orthodox rabbi, admitted in court Thursday that he had secretly videotaped dozens of nude women as they prepared for a ritual bath.

In a hearing in D.C. Superior Court, Freundel pleaded guilty to 52 counts of voyeurism — one for each woman prosecutors identified who had been taped within the three-year statute of limitations.[...]

At a meeting at the U.S. Attorney’s Office last week, prosecutors said there may be as many as 150 women allegedly videotaped by the rabbi as they prepared for a private bath known as a mikvah, according to three people briefed on the investigation. [...]

Rav Sternbuch's comments about his opponents who tried to force him to change his halachic rulings

מסיבת הודאה

שר התורה מרן הגר"מ שטרנבוך שליט"א כינס במוצש"ק את מקורביו וערך מסיבת הודאה על כך שאנשים ידועים – ריקים ופוחזים משולי המחנה מדברים עליו סרה בדיבורי לשון הרע וכיו"ב, ומבקשים להטיל את מרותם על ידי הפעלת טרור.

תוכן הדרשה מצורף.Recording of the original Yiddish

בתוך כך יוזכר כי כבר מספר שבועות הבית הדין של העדה החרדית מושבת לחלוטין, ולא מתקיימים דיני תורה בבית הדין.

הסיבה היא שהראב"ד הגר"מ שטרנבוך שליט"א חדל מלהופיע בלשכת הבד"ץ כבר כמה שבועות, למרות שבפועל הינו עדיין ראב"ד העדה החרדית על כל המשתמע מכך, וחברי הנהלת העדה החרדית עומדים בקשר רציף עם מרן הראב"ד שליט"א על כל השאלות העומדות על סדר היום, (ובפרט בזמן האחרון, לאחר שהגאב"ד הגרי"ט וויס לקה במחלה קשה עד שכבר אין בכוחו להשיב דבר ה' זו הלכה כבשנים קדמוניות), אבל בעקבות "שיבושי הליכי דין" שבוצעו בדיונים על מתחם "שנלר", אין המצב מאפשר השתתפות של מרן הראב"ד שליט"א יחד עם שאר חברי הבד"ץ עד שיסודרו העניינים בהסכמים (פנימיים) ברורים. 

Allan Katz: Setting Limits - Restrictions or Guidelines

Allan Katz    Parashat Terumah deals with God's instructions to build a Tabernacle- mishkan –to be  a resting place for God's presence. The most important component of the mishkan was the Ark of the Covenant – ארון הברית which housed the tablets – לוחות העדות a testimony to God's revelation. After the revelation at Mount Sinai, God would continue to communicate with Moshe and teach him the Torah in the mishkan =the tabernacle or also called  'tent of meeting' – אוהל מועד.

Moshe stood before the Ark,its covering and the keruvim, from between which God spoke to him.

The Ark-aron itself was made from 'acacia wood '- עצי שיטים. The inner box was made from wood and 2 other boxes in a sense covered or plated the inner box with gold, one from the inside and the other from the outside. The wood symbolizes the dynamic, flexible and living nature of the Torah which is made possible through the Sages- חכמים   and their application of the ' Oral Law' – תורה שבעל פה. The gold plating symbolizes the Torah and God's immutable and unchanging spiritual laws and methodology. At Mount Sinai, God gave the Sages the power to create Halacha- a legal system using God's immutable spiritual laws, principles and methodology. The Halacha governs every aspect of life and has the dynamism to adapt to changing times and situations without losing any of its authenticity and deviating from Torah's principles. It is because the Torah is not in heaven- לא בשמים היא   ,  the Sages have the power to create Halacha and we must follow them "ועשית ככל אשר יורך- לא תסור מכל אשר יורך " that the Torah has been able to adapt to changes and new situations and  yet remain authentic.

The way the Sages derive the Halacha- law from the situation and Torah principles gives us an insight how we should set limits or more important how we help kids set their own limits.

Setting limits and boundaries is an important part of parenting. However the way we set limits can impact negatively on the moral development of children, restrict them and thwart their autonomy and set off challenging behavior and the resistance of kids with difficulties. Limit setting should be used to create structure. It should not be used to restrict kids and make them feel controlled. One does not have to be controlling to create structure, and it is structure with its limits that offers kids more freedom.

The question - Thomas Gordon, the author of P.E.T – Parent Effectiveness Training says is not whether limits and boundaries are necessary but the question is who sets them? Is it parents unilaterally imposing limits on their children or are parents and kids working together to figure out what makes sense. When we 'work together' with children and collaboratively solve problems by addressing both our concerns and the kids concerns, and then brainstorming a mutual satisfying solution we have actually set a limit. When parents concerns are being addressed by the solution, we have set a limit in a collaborative way.

When we talk about limits and boundaries in general , the question then becomes what kinds of limits and boundaries are we talking about - how specific or behavioral should they be – are we talking about  boundaries and limits as opposed to broadly conceived guidelines that can inform a lot of our activities for eg  - a limit on not hurting other people, addressing the needs of others, being empathic, kind and respectful etc .Don't we want kids to derive limits and guidelines on how to act from the situation itself and what other people need ? If so, then our coming up with limits, and especially specific behavioral limits and imposing them on kids makes it less likely that kids will become moral people who say that the situation decrees a kind of a boundary for appropriate ways to act and I will be guided by that my whole life, An example would be the different thinking a kid would have when faced with a bowl of cookies and would love to eat all of them because ' I am hungry and I love cookies '. When the parent imposes a limit – ' You can take only one cookie ' = I cannot take more because mom said I can have only one or else, or where the kid thinks,' I would love to eat all the cookies but there are others kids around too and they are also hungry so I will make sure that everyone has cookies too.' In some situations the kid will offer friends and go without a cookie. When parents say ' you must share because I said so' and follow up with a patronizing pat on the head ' good sharing ', the wrong message gets internalized. I am sharing because mom says so and because I will get a verbal reward for sharing. And when kids refrain from doing something, we want them to ask if doing X is wrong and   how will doing X impact on the other kids and not ask - am I allowed to do X and what will happen to me if I do X.? The limits on kid's behavior, in other words, should be experienced as intrinsic to the situation.

The Torah gives us guidelines by which we can give purpose and direction to our lives. They will guide and inform our behavior helping us and our children to derive the limit from the situation itself, so that limits are experienced intrinsic to the situation.

We want to reframe the concepts of limits, not as restrictions, limits or boundaries that adults impose on kids, but our children acting in a moral way by deriving the limit from the situation itself, so that limits are experienced intrinsic to the situation.

Rifky Stein interviewed for the Mendel Epstein trial which starts today

NY Post    LAKEWOOD, N.J. — When a Jewish woman wanted a divorce from an unwilling husband, federal prosecutors say, Mendel Epstein was the rabbi who — for the right price — could gather a kidnap team to make it happen.

Prosecutors allege Epstein’s team would use brutal methods, including martial arts beatings, handcuffs and electric cattle prods, to torture the man into granting the divorce.

“If it can get a bull that weighs 5 tons to move, you put it in certain parts of his body and in one minute the guy will know,” prosecutors said the Orthodox rabbi told a pair of undercover FBI agents posing as a brother and sister trying to force the sister’s husband to grant the ritual Jewish divorce known as a “get.” Prosecutors say Epstein was recorded telling the agents the operation would cost at least $50,000. [...]

Epstein’s trial on attempted kidnapping charges starts Tuesday in federal court in Trenton. Several co-defendants have pleaded guilty in the case; others will go on trial with Epstein.[...]

“Without having the get … I have no prospects of getting remarried. I cannot date men. I have no future of having more children,” said Rivky Stein, a 25-year-old Brooklyn woman who says she is trying to obtain a get from her husband but isn’t involved in the Epstein case. “It just literally locks you in. You’re just entirely chained, and, in a sense, you’re controlled.” [...]

"My husband was raped when he was 14": Lifelong consequences of sexual abuse

Balaboostas    [...] Thirteen years ago, when my husband was 14 years old, he was raped. He was a young boy, who came from a family that never quite fit in however hard they tried. His parents divorced when he was 2, and he suffered for years as a result of that. At the age of 9, a judge made him decide. Mommy or daddy? Yes I repeat, mommy or daddy, “who do you want to live with?” the judge sweetly asked him.

My husband chose daddy, because mommy was no longer frum, stable, nor lived in the community, and daddy said he could still see mommy and he would let her come and visit. Mommy promised she would. But she never did. [...]

He was 14, he had a job in a local shop and got rather close with the owner. Until one day he got a little too friendly and raped him. [...]

My husband knew something was wrong. Something bad had happened. Being the technological savvy teenager he was, he managed to actually obtain the cd of the CCTV camera that had recorded them.

He decided he would go to speak to their Rabbi about what had happened. Surely his saintly Rabbi, who everyone in the community flocked to for advice, would be able to help him.

And so there he found himself, seated in his Rabbi’s house, telling him his story. From beginning to end.

Once he had said his piece, he looked up at his Rabbi, with his tear stained face and asked him “what shall I do? What shall you do?” and brace yourself for this response.

“You won’t do anything, you must not tell anyone about this or about this conversation, don’t tell your father, don’t tell your friends, or everyone will know what a bad person and boy you are, you will be shamed, you will be nothing. Now go and never speak of this again to anyone.” [...]

He did not blame the man that raped him. He blamed the Rabbi for covering it up.

When I met my husband at some point in our relationship prior to marriage, I was told about all of this. He confided in me, and I promised to keep his secret and support him no matter what. [...]

As every young couple starts their new marriage, one of the most exciting aspects is the physical side, the intimacy.In our relationship, we had it before we were married, although we had firmly kept to our self-made rule of anything but sex before marriage.

I first realised something was wrong when I would cry myself to sleep at night, feeling so rejected when my husband once again told me “I’m not in the mood tonight, I just want to cuddle.”

We had sex, but it was not as often as I would have liked or wanted. But after countless arguments, we just came to the conclusion that we were different from each other and we had different sex drives. And the good outweighed the bad, so we tried not to make it a big deal out of it. [....]

But that was when the flashbacks started for my husband. Every time he looked at our daughter, all he could feel was fear, and images of what had happened played in his mind over and over again. All he saw were images of himself being raped. He feared for our daughter’s safety, and he fell into a deep depression. [...]

He did not want to talk. He wanted to forget. [....]

And then it happened.

Our community exploded.

Headlines read as follows: “Hariedi Rabbi Exposed in Rape Sex Scandal”, “Prominent Marriage Counsellor Inappropriate with Married Women.”The list can go on and on. And then the big one:“Rabbi Resigns from All Positions”

During the course of these past few months, we have watched the biggest cover-up in our community unfurl. Finally, this Rabbi is being exposed for the heinous crimes he has committed. Not only did he cover up for rapists and pedophiles, but he was a molester himself. [...]

But finally, my husband is beginning to heal. [...]

I would not say my husband empathises with or understands the man that raped him. But to this day, he is not willing to press charges against him or speak to the police. Therefore, there is a pedophile roaming the streets of our community and has gotten away scot free.

And that is the hardest part for me. I need this man to be punished. I feel like he has ruined my husband’s life and my own.

I do not think that my husband realises what our sex life could be like if he had not been raped, or maybe he does realize but he does not want to dwell on it, because the harsh reality is that the lack of sex, has led to the lack of a pregnancy. We have been desperate for a second child for over a year; but until now, we have not been able to make that happen because of the lack of intercourse.

I stand by my husband and I am patient for him because I love him. I love him unconditionally, partly because I know he is my soul mate and partly, I make the extra effort because I know he has no one else in the world that can love him unconditionally. [....]

During the course of these past few months, we have watched the biggest cover-up in our community unfurl. Finally, this Rabbi is being exposed for the heinous crimes he has committed. Not only did he cover up for rapists and pedophiles, but he was a molester himself.

But as always, there will always be the poor misguided souls that will follow their leader to whichever depths of the lowest places they will go.There were those that fought back, and the fights are still taking place.It is far from over.