Divorce Crisis

 Remember when they used to tell us to never say the word "divorced" in your home, it's terrible for a marriage?

Of course they meant not to throw the word around when you're arguing with your wife because it's very mean and makes her worry that it is, indeed, the end. But what we as kids took away from it was the idea that we shouldn't talk about misfortune and that would somehow protect us from it, like some sort of secret forcefield against harm. Similarly, we say " machala" to somehow insulate us from getting sick. And now, as adults, we subconsciously avoid divorced people. Tell me, this isn't true? You don't approach them. Don't ask how they're doing or if they need anything. Don't get involved. You're "staying safe".

Perhaps you're afraid you'll plant the seed of divorce into your home by having a divorced person over for a Shabbos meal. Perhaps your wife might get some ideas from a divorced female after hearing the joys of attending singles events and speed dating. Perhaps your wife might get ideas from a divorced male at the table, ideas of how exciting it might feel to have a different  kind of man in her life. Perhaps your wife is afraid you'll be inappropriate with the divorced single mom while her back is turned. So the divorced neighbor learns to meditate and perhaps figures out how to make Shabbos meals for themselves, sometimes getting together with other singles, other times just staying home. Shabbos is long and they're lonely and disconnected, feeling shunned. Perhaps they had a bad experience in beis din and forfeited getting any support in order to be released from an abusive man, leaving them literally destitute with no food in their fridge. Perhaps they're currently being dragged through court by the ex husband who's trying to alienate the kids and keep her half of the house that he bought while she raised his kids, did his laundry and served him supper for decades. Perhaps her own parents think she embarrassed them and don't speak to her anymore. Perhaps the man suffers from bipolar and misses his family who put up with it for 25 years until it was too much. He ruminates. Perhaps the phones come out on Shabbos. Perhaps they start making friends outside of the community. Perhaps they checked out of Judaism altogether and put on the requisite clothing in order that their kids can have some dignity and so that they can still work in the community.

You probably shouldn't have even read this far. You're getting ideas. What if it happens to you? Nah, you know what you're doing, and she would never leave you anyway, especially not with all these kids in tow. Sure, you haven't really been nice to each other in a few years. You push eachother's buttons and avoid each other as much as possible. Sometimes you fight but she gets over it, right? And you have a cute secretary so you're not feeling such a lack of human connection; you can survive. She wants you to go for couples counseling. You think you know what they're gonna say, that you should probably get divorced or perhaps make major changes and who needs to be scolded and threatened? So you refuse. The rabbi might suggest you see someone but those therapists are all the same and you saw something about this in the Lakewood Voice and the therapist was just a big fat yenta who told everyone about the person's private matters so you tell the rabbi to forget about it.

What if one day your wife demands a Gett? Are you gonna be shocked? How did she pull it off? Where's she gonna go? How's she gonna pay for stuff?

What if she's smarter than you and already put all your money in another account and hired a lawyer who's not going to let you see the kids more than every other Shabbos? How's that feeling now?

Maybe it's good for families to see divorced people. Perhaps you can be nicer to your wife. Perhaps she can be a bit more nurturing to you. Perhaps you can benefit from a good couple's therapist? Perhaps reality is that  divorce isn't some " loser option", but rather a gift from God to remind us to cherish what we have and to be thankful for our spouse? And to allow us to move on and find someone else if it's no longer possible to serve Him with joy with that person?