Wednesday, August 20, 2025

Wife like a slave?

Shemos (21:10) If he takes for himself another wife; her food, her garment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.

Menachos (43b) A man is bound to say the following three blessings daily: ‘[Blessed art thou . . .] who hast not made me a heathen’, ‘. . . . who hast not made me a woman’; and ‘ . . . who hast not made me a brutish man’. R. Aha b. Jacob once overhead his son saying ‘[Blessed art thou . . .] who hast not made me a brutish man’, whereupon he said to him, ‘And this too!’ Said the other, ‘Then what blessing should I say instead?’ He replied, . . . who hast not made me a slave’. And is not that the same as a woman? — A slave is more contemptible.

Igros Moshe (O.C. 6 5.2): Question: Is a wife like a slave according to Rashi? Answer  Look at Rashi (Menachos 43b) who explains in his first explanation to the question of saying a beracha “who has not made me a slave” is the same saying “who has not made me a woman", that “the wife is also a slave to her husband as a slave is to his master.” If I weren't afraid I would say that it is necessary to erase the first explanation of Rashi. G-d forbid for Rashi to say this ridiculous statement. That is because according to the Torah there is no obligation for the wife to do anything for the husband except for having normal marital relations. And even in regard to intercourse, he is in fact more obligated to her because he also has a negative Torah commandment not to deprive her of sexual satisfaction. In fact it is only a decree of the Sages that requires that her work belongs to her husband. Corresponding to this requirement to work for him, he is required to feed her. But the only work she is obligated to do is house work and not to work in the field. She also has some obligation regarding wool - which is an easy job that women typically do. See Shulchan Aruch EH #80. Her meals are his obligation since she should not have it any worse than her family and his family and certainly not less than what she typically eats.   Similarly he is obligated to provide her clothing according to what the women of that city typically get as well as according to the standard of his and her family. That is because she is to go up in her standard of living with him and not go down. In addition he is obligated to honor her and he cannot leave the house without her permission except to go to his job that is known to her. In fact we see from all this the opposite of her being his slave. He is obligated to do all the work to earn a living as is stated in the Kesubah. Even if it means hiring himself out according to Tosfos (Kesubos 63). Thus we see that the husband is more of a slave to her then she is to him. This Rashi requires further study (tzorech iyun gadol).

8 comments :

  1. The best marriage advice I ever read. The mother telling her daughter "If you make yourself a servant to him, he'll make himself a slave to you and you will labour in happiness. If you make yourself a queen over him, he'll make himself a king over you. You'll still labour but it won't be happy."

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    1. Standard advice but often doesn't work because husband becomes tyrant and all revolves around his pleasure

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    2. Any good system can be vandalized by the wrong person but on average, the young man who's in love with his new bride will see her working hard to please him, feel gratitude and spend his day working hard to please her.

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    3. DT - isn't there a Gemara where a tzedekes marries Rasha, and turns him away from his sins?
      Of course that can't be prescriptive, as it simply wouldn't work.

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    4. Bereish Rabbah (17) It happened once that there was a certain pious man who was married to a pious woman, and they did not produce offspring together. They said: We are of no use to the Holy One blessed be He [if we remain childless]. They arose and divorced each other. He went and married a wicked woman, and she turned him wicked. She went and married a wicked man, and she turned him righteous. Thus, everything comes from the woman.

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    5. Garnel I am talking from experience as a therapist. The idea isn't vandalized it corrupts

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    6. And having lots of counselling experience myself, I am also talking from experience. The functioning marriage is that one in which each partner is concerned with the happiness of the other. The corruption is in the one partner who sees that it is to his or her advantage to take but not give and that vanadalizes the relationship.

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    7. DT, I agree with you. But if we agree, it means we repudiate the claim made in the midrash.

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