Rambam - does he agree with Ramban about sexual lust?

 Moreh Nevuchim (3:08): Some consider all wants of the body as shame, disgrace, and defect to which they are compelled to attend: This is chiefly the case with the sense of touch, which is a disgrace to us according to Aristotle, and which is the cause of our desire for eating, drinking, and sensuality. Intelligent persons must, as much as possible, reduce these wants, guard against them, feel grieved when satisfying them, abstain from speaking of them, discussing them, and attending to them in company with others. Man must have control over all these desires, reduce them as much as possible, and only retain of them as much as is indispensable. His aim must be the aim of man as man i.e. the formation of ideas, and nothing else. The best and sublimest among them is the idea which man forms of G-d, angels, and the rest of the creation according to his capacity. Such men are always with G-d and of them it is said, "You are princes, and all of you are children of the Most High" (Tehillim 92:6). This is man's task and purpose. Others, however, that are separated from G-d, form the multitude of fools, and do just the opposite. They neglect all thought and all reflection on ideas, and consider as their task the cultivation of the sense of touch,--that sense which is the greatest disgrace: they only think and reason about eating and love. Thus it is said of the wicked who are drowned in eating, drinking, and love, When man possesses a good sound body that does not overpower him nor disturb the equilibrium in him, he possesses a divine gift. In short, a good constitution facilitates the rule of the soul over the body, but it is not impossible to conquer a bad constitution by training. For this reason King Solomon and others wrote the moral lessons; also all the commandments and exhortations in the Pentateuch aim at conquering the desires of the body. Those who desire to be men in truth, and not brutes, having only the appearance and shape of men, must constantly endeavor to reduce the wants of the body, such as eating, love, drinking, anger, and all vices originating in lust and passion; they must feel ashamed of them and set limits to them for themselves. As for eating and drinking in so far as it is indispensable, they will eat and drink only as much as is useful and necessary as food, and not for the purpose of pleasure. They will also speak little of these things, and rarely congregate for such purposes. Thus our Sages, as is well known, kept aloof from a banquet that was not part of a religious act. Wine may be treated as food, if taken as such, but to form parties for the purpose of drinking wine together must be considered more disgraceful than the unrestrained conduct of persons who in daylight meet in the same house undressed and naked. For the natural action of the digestive organ is indispensable to man, he cannot do without it; whilst drunkenness depends on the free will of an evil man. To appear naked in the presence of other people is misconduct only according to public opinion, not according to the dictates of reason, whilst drunkenness, which ruins the mind and the body of man, reason stamps as a vice. You, therefore, who desire to act as human beings must keep away from it, and even from speaking of it. On sexual intercourse, I need not add anything after I have pointed out in the commentary on Avos(1: 17) how it is treated by our Law, which is the teaching of pure wisdom--no excuse whatever should induce us to mention it or to speak of it. Thus our Sages said, that Elisha the prophet is called holy, because he did not think of it, and consequently never found himself polluted with semen. In a similar manner they say that Jacob had the first issue of semen for the conception of Reuben. All these traditional stories have the object of teaching the nation humane conduct. 

 

Rambam (Issurei Bi’ah 21:11): Our Sages were not pleased with someone who has a lot of sexual intercourse and he is constantly with his wife like a rooster. He is very defective and this is an act of coarse people. Rather whoever minimalizes the amount of intercourse is praiseworthy. However that is only if he doesn’t nullify his obligation to his wife – unless it is with her consent. The only reason that the Sages introduced a decree that a person cannot read the Torah - after a seminal emission until he went to mikve – is in order to minimize intercourse.

Moreh Nevuchim (3:33) It is also the object of the perfect Law to make man reject, despise, and reduce his desires as much as is in his power. He should only give way to them when absolutely necessary. It is well known that it is intemperance in eating, drinking, and sexual intercourse that people mostly rave and indulge in; and these very things counteract the ulterior perfection of man, impede at the same time the development of his first perfection, and generally disturb the social order of the country and the economy of the family. For by following entirely the guidance of lust, in the manner of fools, man loses his intellectual energy, injures his body, and perishes before his natural time; sighs and cares multiply; there is an increase of envy, hatred, and warfare for the purpose of taking what another possesses. The cause of all this is the circumstance that the ignorant considers physical enjoyment as an object to be sought for its own sake. God in His wisdom has therefore given us such commandments as would counteract that object, and prevent us altogether from directing our attention to it, and has debarred us from everything that leads only to excessive desire and lust. This is an important thing included in the objects of our Law. See how the Law commanded to slay a person from whose conduct it is evident that he will go too far in seeking the enjoyment of eating and drinking. I mean "the rebellious and stubborn son"; he is described as "a glutton and a drunkard" (Devarim 21:20). The Law commands to stone him and to remove him from society lest he grow up in this character, and kill many, and injure the condition of good men by his great lust.

Maharal (Be’er HaGolah 05:04): Unfortunately there are many scholars [e.g., Rambam More Nevuchim 3:49] - i.e., those who investigate the world with the power of their intellect – who claim that sexual relations are inherently disgraceful, shameful and an embarrassment to man. In fact these scholars unequivocally believe that the sense of touch is inherently shameful to us. The purpose of this gemora is to reject their claim. In fact it is totally incomprehensible that the foundation of all, the basis for sustaining the world i.e., propagating mankind – is built on something which is inherently disgusting and shameful. Even more problematic is that it is not respectful for G‑d that the foundation of the world is a shameful and degrading matter. As is well known if the foundation is rotten then the structure built on it will collapse. Therefore it is important to reject this view because there is nothing in the sexual relations of a man with his wife that is the slightest degrading. This positive view of sexuality is in fact Daas Torah – the view of the Torah. Bereishis (2: 25) says, And both were naked… and but they weren’t ashamed. Thus we see that there is nothing degrading about this at all because if it were degrading why shouldn’t they be ashamed? If you want to answer that they weren’t intelligent at that time –such an assertion is simply incomprehensible. We know that Adam was incredibly intelligent because he was able to profoundly understand the nature of each creature and give each creature its correct name (Bereishis 2:20) – so how can it be claimed that he was lacking in intelligence? This assertion about Adam was refuted by the Rambam (Moreh Nevuchimn 1:2)… One cannot say that before Adam sinned he lacked intelligence and after he sinned he acquired intelligence and wisdom! So obviously the matters is as we have said – there is inherently absolutely no degradation is this matter at all. Whatever is degrading is the result of man focusing on his lusts and animals desires – from that aspect it is shameful. Therefore before the sin of Adam, man merely had some inclination toward lust and desire - and there was no absolutely nothing shameful. It was only shameful when desire was no longer external but fully entered him and lust became part of his physical nature. But even then it was only shameful because of the aspect of his lust. 

Rav Yitzchok Issac Sher ( Kedushas Yisroel #1 page 5-6) You need to understand that the Ramban is well aware of this problematic understanding of the nature of intercourse, that the pious have erred in their understanding in this matter.because they are relying on the apparent meaning of the Rambam who seems to disparage lust. He strongly warns to distance oneself from such an understanding which results from following the view of the Greek philosopher which contains heresy.The truth is that the Rambam agrees with the view of the Ramban which is the genuine view of the Torah. The Rambam’s disparaging of lust is only used to explain the reason for certain of the mitzvos in which the Torah  wants to distance Jews from lust in general and certain sexual lusts to an extreme degree. For example Rambam writes about the mitzva of circumcision that it’s purpose is to weaken sexual lust in Jews. He also writes in Moreh Nevuchim ( 3:33) that the reason for many of the mitzvos is to avoid lust and degrade certain acts and to minimize their occurrence to avoid them as much as possible. Look at Rambam (De’os 5:4) where he says to learn to conduct oneself with holiness. In Rambam (De’os 5:5)) says All who conduct themselves with holiness not only sanctify their souls and purify themselves and correct their thoughts but when they have children they will be beautiful and shy and open to wisdom and piety. These words are very similar to those of the Ramban in Igros Kodesh and there are simply no differences between them. In sum everyone agrees that concerning the mitva of sexual intercourse that when done with the appropriate sanctity, sanctifies a man’s soul and purifies him and causes him to merit children who are wise and pious. And if he does it not for the sake of Heaven but for the sake of pleasure from lust then the Ramban also rejects it absolutely and totally as he states explicitly at the end of this chapter.  The words of the Greek philosopher that the Rambam cites are also regarding lust which is lowly and animalistic because he also denigrates the desire to eat in that essay. In fact if you examine the Ramban carefully you will see clearly that he is talking about lust itself and says it is not spiritually impure as the lust for eating is not spiritually impure. Lust is simply a natural energy as are all the limbs and powers that are in man and it is like all mundane matters man has the ability to sanctify or defile them.

Rav Yitzchok Issac Sher ( Kedushas Yisroel #1 page 6)  Rather the Ramban comes to raise the awareness of intelligent people that they should not err in their understanding of the language of the Rambam to think he is also referring to intercourse with his wife at the time of the mitzva of conjugal obligation. That it is also disgusting and needs to be minimized with all of his power and that this disgusting thing is only done for procreation and for the sake of Heaven. This mistake causes a man many problems as well as causing his children to be defective for violating the nine prohibited relations as Rashi explains in Nidah (17a). Because of the force of sleep he doesn’t have lust for her so much and thus has intercourse for the sake of the mitzva of her conjugal obligation (onah) or to please her and in fact he is repulsed by her and this is a violation of the 9 midos described in Nedarim (20b).  The scholars and “pious” are astonished at these words of Rashi and ask how is it possible to say that one who has intercourse solely to fulfill the mitzva with a minimum of lust is a sinner and transgressor and is punished by having wicked children? However if you look carefully at the words of Rashi he said he is saying the person is doing it simply to get the mitzva done which means he is not doing it properly. The truth is that intercourse with minimal lust is a violation of the prohibition of diminishing (tigrah) the Torah. Look at the Ramban on the Torah )Shemos 21:9) where he states that there is a Torah prohibition of the husband withholding direct bodily contact from his wife. This is an explicit statement that just as it is prohibited to withhold intercourse from his wife, bodily contact can not be withheld because she desires the pleasure and thus it is simply a matter of lust aside from intercourse itself. Thus we see that the husband has a mitzva to satisfy his wife’s lust [See also Yevamos 62 and Pesachim 72.]

 

Mishneh Halachos (12:321): What does Rashi mean in Nidah (17a) when he writes that it prohibited to have intercourse just for the sake of the mitzva without any desire for her? I don’t know what he means, however I will explain Rashi according to its plain meaning. If others have a different understanding I am not aware of it. In Nedarim (20b) it mentioned the issue of the nine situations to avoid intercourse. One of them is if he hates his wife – and so surely if she is disgusting to him… Therefore they say that one should not have relations with her when she is sleeping because the intent of the two of them are not the same and her thoughts don’t agree with his thoughts. This is similar to when he has a fight with her or hits her – G‑d forbid! – or forces her – all of these produce defective children.  This is described by our Sages as being like a lion which mauls its victim – because their thoughts and intentions are not unified for the good. Therefore if she is sleeping he should wake her with pleasant words. If they had a fight, he should placate her as we see with Rav (Berachos 62a). All of this is so that their intentions should be in agreement. That is why when she is asleep it is prohibited to have relations with her because then she has no thoughts at all. Thus when he is falling asleep and he is not interested in what she is thinking and he is only doing it to for the sake of the mitzva and to please her – but his heart is disgusted with her at the thought of having relations with her at that moment. Thus we see there is a lack of commonality in their thoughts which is needed to produce holy children. This needs to understood because there is much more to this idea. This seems to be the intent of Rashi who is concerned that this will result in a child from the 9 situations to be avoided. If you look at the Igros Kodesh who discusses this at length you will understand our words better. This is very simple…

Sexuality

 Shabbos (140b) Rav Chisda advised his daughters: Act modestly before your husbands: do not eat bread before your husbands, do not eat greens at night, do not eat dates at night nor drink beer at night, and do not ease yourselves where your husbands do, and when someone calls at the door, do not say ‘who is he’ but ‘who is she?’ Rav Chisda held a jewel in one hand and a seed grain in the other; the pearl he showed them but the seed grain he did not show them until they were suffering, and then he showed it to them.

 Rashi (Shabbos 140b): He held a jewel in one hand and a worthless seed in the other – He told his daughters that when her husband wants to caress her out of desire for intercourse – he will typically hold her breasts in one hand and with the other hand will touch her genitals. The jewel he should be shown – refers to letting him hold her breasts in order to increase his desire – but the genital area he should not be allowed to have immediate access. This causes his lust and love to increase and it distresses him. When he is fully aroused he should be allowed access.

 Mishna Halachos (07:225). The sefer Maskil el Dahl writes that when it is not at the time of fulfilling the mitzva one should be careful not to kiss and hug his wife – even if she is not a nida – in order not to have lustful thoughts. Nevertheless at the time of sexual relations see Lechem Mishna (Ishus 15:18) who writes that it is prohibited to touch his wife’s genitals. However in Shabbos (140b), Rav Chisda advised his daughters according to Rashi to delay their husband’s touching their genitals in order to get them aroused. Thus it would seem that Rashi holds that it is permitted! Perhaps then the Lechem Mishna prohibited touching inside the vagina and not just touching. Also look at the Meiri (Shabbos 140b) who explains the incident with Rav Chisda differently and according to his understanding it is not relevant to the question at all. ... In these type of matters it says in the Torah, You shall be holy to your G‑d. If one sanctifies himself below then they sanctify him above as well as meriting male children who are good and fit to posken halachos

Netziv (Shabbos 140b) He held a jewel in one hand. Rashi’s explanation is astounding! It seems that this is the real explanation of this gemora. A women’s husband has obligations to her regarding jewelry and intercourse.That is what our Sages said that a woman is only for her beauty and children. Thus Rav Chisda is wisely hinting to his daughters that they can ask their husbands directly for jewelry in order to beautify themselves for him.In contrast G-d forbid that they ask him directly for intercourse. Rather they can have intercourse if they seduce him and get him very sexually frustrated. The pearl is an allusion to jewelry, while the seed is an allusion to intercourse and procreation. 

Ignorance of pious people about sexual issues is problematic Rav Yitzchok Scher

 Rav Yitzchok Issac Sher (Kedushas Yisroel #1 page 4) The pious tzadikim think that they know everything from the books such as the Shaloh and Reishis Chochma that they diligently study in these matters. They are fully convinced that according to the Torah that any type of desire is impure. Consequently their lust grows extremely strong and pushes them in path of genuine impurity. Therefore they do not talk with their wives in these matters in order not to arouse their lust. So when they come to fulfill this mitzva they wake their wife from sleep and ask or request permission to do the mitzva with her. She of course agrees because she was told by her mother that this is the way the righteous conduct themselves. So he fulfills the mitzva as one being forced against his will by a demon. And he separates himself from her immediately in order to avoid spiritual impurity. Despite his precautions he is worried that he had intercourse because of lust that was aroused in him during intercourse and that it caused him to forget all his holy thoughts that he had planned having. He is comforted when he hears from his friends that they are worried like he is. And they dismiss their concern by noting that the Torah was not given to angels and they pray for Divine assistance in this matter. He comforts himself by saying that he tried his best to fulfill G-d’s mitzva and there is nothing he could do that would make a difference. . [Note: When I asked one tzadik Why if their approach was good than why didn’t they have good children? Most of their children are unintelligent or wicked. I received the answer that this one of the mysteries of creation because even the great tzadik King Chezkiyahu had the evil Menashe as a son.. Consequently after I became aware of these difficulties which most men have and after I carefully studied the Letters of the Ramban on these matters, I realized that they erred in properly understanding the matter. Possibly because they had quickly and superficially studied it. In fact the words of the Ramban are precise without any superfluous language and they need to be studied deeply and carefully in order to appreciate what he means. Anyone studying them properly will see amazing insights that accord with the Torah.  In the second chapter which deals with the nature of intercourse and that it is in fact  holy and pure. Next in chapter 3 which talks about the timing  it is entirely an innovation that the mitzva is to properly prepare physically the body and temperament that it shouldn’t be hot or cold and that the semen should not be foul and he is able to be patient with intercourse. In that case the wife will ovulate first. It is also well known that whoever is born from a hot drop of semen will be an angry and temperamental person. In contrast, if he is born from a drop of moderate temperature, he will be wise and calm and even tempered and get along with everyone. The 4th chapter describes the appropriate food to eat which also influences the holiness of intercourse and whether the child is wise or foolish,  righteous or evil.  The 5^th chapter describes the appropriate thoughts during intercourse. Finally in the 6^th chapter he clarifies the obligation of speaking to his wife with love and romance, fear of G-d and modesty.

Disagreeing with Gedolim

 Igros Moshe (O.C. 01:109): This that you apologize for disagreeing with me in a halachic issue – this is totally unnecessary. That is because this is the way of Torah that it is necessary to establish the truth. Chas v’shalom to silence one who disagrees with you – whether he is being more lenient or more strict. [While there is a discussion about disagreeing in a formal court session Sanhedrin 36 where the court is deciding on the guilt or innocence…] it is not a problem to disagree with the gadol (greatest scholar) when he is saying something in the course of teaching the material or even if he is making a practical halachic ruling but he is not part of a formal court. We see this in many places in the gemora where students question their teacher’s view. … It is obvious in these cases the rulings were not part of a formal court session. Furthermore it is apparent that there is no one today who has the status of gadol for this law that no one can disagree with him… Therefore even if you consider me to be a gadol – it is permitted to disagree with me and consequently it is required that you express your opinion and there is no need to apologize. Nevertheless regarding the halachic question that was raised, my view -that I wrote that it is prohibited - is the correct one.

Igros Moshe (Y.D. 01:101): .... There is no question that we have the right even to disagree with Achronim and also on occasion with certain Rishonim when there are proper proofs and more important with proper reasoning. Concerning this and similar matters the gemora says that a judge can only make a decision based upon what he sees (Bava Basra 131, Rashbam). This is true as long as the ruling doesn’t go against the well-known poskim such as the Shulchan Aruch which has been accepted in all countries. This is what is meant by the saying that there was a place left to make a fence. And this is in fact what the majority of teshuvos of the Achronim do – they decide many practical issues on the basis of innovations. However it is important not to be arrogant in making rulings. Thus one should avoid using innovations when possible except in situations of great need and surely in situations involving aguna such as the case under discussion. Thus we are obligated to make a ruling if it appears to us that there is a basis for a heter. It is prohibited for us to show false modesty and cause a Jewish woman to be trapped as an aguna or to cause a stumbling block with prohibitions or even to cause loss of money. Look at Gittin (56) where it condemns the humility of R Zechariah for causing the destruction of the Temple! The obvious question is what does humility have to do with the destruction? Look at Maharetz Chajes who gives a proper explanation. This is exactly what we are concerned about. Thus we must make halachic rulings according to what appears correct with proper proofs and understanding – and in particular in cases of aguna like this – to save from this difficult situation.

Order of protection in divorce cases

Mishna Halachos (014:60): The secular procedure is that when a woman wants to get custody of the children from her husband who is also their father – she will go the secular authorities and claim that he hit her and others such charges and that she escaped with the children and she is now requesting an “order of protection.” The Rabbis who haven’t been properly mentored by great Torah scholars and are not sufficiently learned in Torah claim that this is not the prohibitions of mesira and going to secular courts. In fact not only is this actual mesira but it is kidnapping of the children with the power of the secular judges and it is literally in the category of actual murder. (Look at Maharam Marbury printed at the end of Mahari Veil page 173....) Anyone who files a complaint against a Jew to a non‑Jew needs to repent as one who is a murderer. This woman who filed a complaint against her husband and they imprisoned him or other such punishment – it is not an Order of Protection but rather kidnapping the children and actual murder. Thus if either the husband or wife uses this approach they are a murderer and one needs to be very careful of this. Besides the fact that when a woman goes to the secular courts and intimidates the husband with an Order of Protection or other techniques, it is subsequently prohibited for the husband to give her a get because it is an invalid get which has been coerced by the secular courts. One of my acquaintances came and asked regarding his wife who had obtained an Order of Protection and as a result he had been imprisoned overnight until his lawyer obtained his release. He told me that he was afraid this would happen again and again because she would make up lies about him and torment him all his life. He had decided that he had no choice but to give her a get. The beis din was now prepared to write it. I told him that a get given under these circumstances was invalid by the Torah and it was prohibited to give her a get until she removed all of her charges from the secular court and he had received a letter from her that she would no longer bring him to secular court again. This is elementary and clearly the halacha according to the Torah. It is clear that it doesn’t matter whether the husband is actually sent to jail or that she files a complaint in secular court and they don’t actually jail him. I told him that he should listen to my advice and that both he and his wife should come and I would listen to both sides and I would make suggestion as to which rabbis to go to who might be able to make peace. Why do they say that rabbis are just for the bad to give a get but not for the positive. In fact there are wise rabbis who can make improvement and to discuss with both sides and to explain to them they are just destroying themselves and their children. That they have to worry in addition to problem in shidduch for this family because of the fear of future divorces and many other things. In short I gave the advice to at least try counselling....

Bad wife is desirable

 Eiruvin (041b): Three do not see the face of Hell. One who suffers from oppressive poverty, one who has a diseased stomach, and one who is in the custody of the government and some say one who has a bad wife. Why isn’t a bad wife mentioned in the first group? That is because it is a mitzva to divorce her and therefore he would not suffer from her. However this cannot always be done since she might have a large kesuba or he has children from her and consequently cannot divorce her and thus he suffers from her. However according to the view that it is a mitzva to divorce her so why include it in this list in the first place? In order to lovingly accept the suffering that he does experience [since it atones for his sins – Rashi].

 Sanhedrin (100b): Rav Yosef some good advice that is mentioned in the Sefer of Ben Sira. A good wife is a good present while a bad wife is like a plague to her husband. What is the solution? He should drive her out of his house  by divorcing her and be cured from the plague.

Pele Yoetz...According to what our Sages (Eruvin 41b) say, "Someone who has a bad wife will not see Hell", therefore it is even proper to want to have a bad wife, if he can withstand the test to avoid the severe judgment of Hell. If he passes the test, then he will not inherit two Gehinoms (one in this world and one in the World to Come)! Rather he should accept her with love and he will receive a good reward for his efforts. He also needs to arouse and strengthen his love for her in order that their children not be one of the nine categories "children of a hated one", Heaven forbid, and according to his efforts will be his gain

Marriage - Pele Yo'etz

 Pele Yoetz (Love between husband and wife):The love between a man and his wife is something that of necessity must be strong. We will start with the love that a man should have for his wife because the statement of our Sages(62a)is well known that a man is obligated to love her as he loves himself and to honor her more than himself. . This seems unnecessary to say because he will not withhold his love for her in his service of G-d. Our Sages (Avos 1:5) also cautioned us. Don’t have a lot of superficial chatter with women and they said this about one’s wife. Because whoever has excessive chatter with women causes evil to himself and is idle from the study of Torah and will result in going to Hell. Our Sages (Bava Metzia 59a) also said, One who follows the advice of his wife will fall into Hell. Consequently all intelligent men should develop a balance as they says (Sanhedrin 107b) also say that it should be that the weak left hand pushes away while the stronger right pulls closer. The main love is spiritual love and therefore he has the responsibility to direct her gently and pleasantly regarding proper modesty and keep her away from lashon harah and anger and cursing as well as saying G-d’s name in vain. the finer details of mitzvos, prayers and berachos, Shabbos observing. and other similar things. It would also be a nice idea to teach her mussar and statements of our Sages that are relevant to her. If this is done she will develop a sensitivity to these things greater than that of a man It is unnecessary to say that someone who has an intelligent wife, a gift from G-d, has a good wife. Certainly a thread of grace is upon her and she is beloved to her husband. In contrast a man with a bad wife needs to be very careful. He needs to see this as a Divine test and he needs to strengthen his resolve to deal with her peacefully and with friendship to respect the Divine Presence. These are subjects of ancient wisdom. A person should be aware that even among eminent men the "fire has fallen". To the extent that our Sages noted (Yevamot 63a), "… It is enough that they save us from iniquity and raise our children to Torah." A person should also be aware of the saying of our Sages (Shabbos 33b), "The minds of woman are light." People say, "A woman's hair is long and her mind is short." Therefore, intelligence must originate with him. If she violates his will and angers him, he must control his emotions so that he does not become angry with her, and it need not be said to shame, curse, or strike her, G-d forbid!  This is the practice of boors and frivolous and rash individuals – in actuality he hurts himself! Only chastise her with sweet and gentle words. In any case he should bear the yoke and be insulted rather than insulting, and accept upon himself the judgment of Heaven with joy – because each woman is sent to a man from G-d. According to what our Sages (Eruvin 41b) say, "Someone who has a bad wife will not see Hell", therefore it is even proper to want to have a bad wife, if he can withstand the test to avoid the severe judgment of Hell. If he passes the test, then he will not inherit two Gehinoms (one in this world and one in the World to Come)! Rather he should accept her with love and he will receive a good reward for his efforts. He also needs to arouse and strengthen his love for her in order that their children not be one of the nine categories "children of a hated one", Heaven forbid, and according to his efforts will be his gain.  One of the ways to prevent arguments in his house is not to be so seriously concerned with every penny of household expenditures because harsh as the grave is the jealousy of one woman to another. Therefore, each man according to his material blessing must increase the honor of his home at the proper time, and by doing so, appease his wife. For blessing does not reside in a man's home except for the sake of his wife (Baba Metzia 59a). So great is domestic peace that the holy name of G-d was allowed to be erased for it (Nedarim 66b). Therefore, even by sheer force must a man stand up to and remove evil from his house so that the Divine Presence will rest upon his home. Included in this love is that a man should not frequently travel far away.[..] How great is the obligation of a wife to love her husband, to honor him as a king to fear him, and to fulfill his will and desire with all of her strength. […]. Besides the need for a woman to be modest – “All the honor of the daughter of the king is within herself (Tehilim 45:14) – she must not cause men to sin with her eye and her heart. She needs to beautify herself for her husband and be cautious in regards to cleanliness, purity, and financial expenses, so that her husband does not go astray and place his eyes upon another woman. […] Just as a woman is careful in regards to Nidda, challah, and the lighting of candles, so too she must be diligent in regards to respect for her husband, as such is the command of the King unto her. Our Sages said, “There is no finer wife than the one who does the will of her husband.”[…] Therefore, all women should respect their husbands, be they great or small. There are senseless women who make issue with their husbands over their inability to provide for the needs of the house. It is tremendous folly in any case! If the husband is truly poor and he does not have adequate means, his pain, depression, shame, and embarrassment at having to reveal to his wife his deficiency is clearly sufficient anguish. The woman needs to be wise and should not add grief to his pain.[..]  Likewise, a woman needs to consider that when her husband gets angry at her for seemingly no reason, perhaps he suffered some disappointment in the marketplace, and in his overwhelming frustration and anger he spoke to her unbecomingly. As people are wont to say, “Whether he is able or not, a man will quarrel with his wife”. She needs to forbear, not to anger him, or cause him any more grief. This is a general rule – when there is an argument between people or between husband and wife, and one of them initiated the conflict by stepping out of bounds and opening his mouth without justification, the other individual must be strong enough not to respond at all – neither good nor bad – in the time of his anger. She must wait until his antagonism has passed, and, after a day or two, reprove him gently with soft speech. She should say to him, “Why did you do that to me? What are my crime and my wrongdoing that you pursue me with exceeding rage for no apparent reason? [..] A woman who has fallen in her lot unto an evil man – one who hits, curses, tramples, and violates her privacy, should accept upon herself the judgment of Heaven and suffer, never tiring of atoning for her soul, since great will be her reward in the World to Come. A woman of valor and profound intelligence will not reveal to others the disgrace of her husband, his bad character and nature, and her cry will not be heard. She thus saves her husband from disgrace, and he will not hate her more for having exposed his shame. Otherwise, his anger would smolder and his wrath would burn within him. He would strike her even more harshly than before. All the more so, she should not reveal to her father, mother, or siblings anything of her pain, oppression, and plight. [..] Therefore, if her father, mother, and relatives possess intelligence and understanding, even if her very difficult situation was told to them, they should pretend that they know nothing and greet him with a pleasant countenance for her good. Even if they want to voice their objection and to admonish him, they must seek a strategy to make it seem as if their information came from the neighbors who heard it by the window, etc. The best thing is that she should not reveal it at all, as we said, in order not to pain them and so that they will not hate him in their heart.[…] She should tell them that all is well in her home. It will be considered a meritorious act, for she will gladden her father’s, mother’s, and relatives’ hearts and she will be deserving of the ultimate good. It would be even better if she, herself reproved her husband at a favorable time with a pleasant, congenial, and kind voice. It will surely yield positive results, because, in truth, “Soft speech can break a bone” (Mishlei 25:15). She should pour out her soul before G-d day after day. Perhaps G-d will be gracious and answer her prayer to return her husband to the good path; and she, too, will find peace. Included in the love of a woman for her husband is that she should pray on his behalf to G-d. Since the heart of a woman is sensitive and her tears are near, if she prays to G-d from the innermost part of her heart, certainly her prayer will have an effect. A woman must also pray for her children, because in the well-being of her husband and children she will find peace. Who will have pity on them more than she?[…] A woman must be careful and vigilant not to cause Heavenly prosecution of her husband or to cry tears because of him. Granted that he is supposed to be more sensitive than she, as our Sages said (Baba Metzia 59a), “A husband must always be cautious in regards to hurting his wife, because since her tears are near, so is her pain. Quick is retribution to come upon one who causes her anguish and sorrow. ” Nevertheless, she too must consider that if evil befalls her husband, G-d forbid, she shares a primary responsibility and it is her life that is at stake.[…]She should be very careful in regard to the honor of her husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and cousins for the honor of G-d who commanded her to be attentive to the honor of her husband. To the extent that she is respectful towards her husband’s relatives, she provides contentment to her husband and will find favor in his eyes: It will be considered a mitzvah for her.[...]