Allan Katz [....] Parents often use the argument -' des pashts nishts ' with kids – it is not appropriate or our family does not do this type of thing. Generally, if parents show a passionate belief in what they say and offer explanations it might help, but sometimes the parents are forbidding something which is allowed according to the halacha – law ,but they hold by higher standards and the kid is not there with them. And here Ha'rav Osher Weiss in an answer to a question from an overseas 'anglo-saxon' audience concerning certain English literature for kids said - sometimes saying NO has a worse impact than allowing a kid his request . It is not the message we teach - ….. , but the message kids learn is that their concerns are not taken seriously by us and ignored. This is the down side to the advice parents are given - tell your kids NO a few times a day so they get used to hearing NO.
I prefer to avoid saying No . Saying No is essentially only one solution to a concern . Because the solution only addresses the parents concern we are using Plan A. – imposing Adult will. I recommend 'Don’t stick your no’s in unnecessarily, try to say yes and don’t be rigid.'
I like the phrase - ' I am not saying No '
Of course this does not mean I am saying yes , it means ' I just want to hear your concerns , can you tell me more ?' Our purpose is to get a conversation going with the child mainly speaking and we listening. We need to gather information about the child's concerns.
When our concerns are put on the table, we are in fact setting a limit, because our concerns will be addressed by the mutually satisfying solution.
Any solution must be mutually satisfactory addressing both concerns of the parent and child. Of course there will be times that a parent will insist on his way but the kid who has had his concerns taken seriously in the past is more likely to trust his parents when they insist on their solution.
Try to talk things through and help your child connect with his true inner core so that the mutually satisfying solution is one that he feels is his own, meets his needs and an expression of who he is. The CPS - collaborative problem solving process Cp builds relationship , promotes life skills that will be needed when he goes out into the world and especially help with important relationships including marriage. The process also supports his autonomy in a healthy way.
I prefer to avoid saying No . Saying No is essentially only one solution to a concern . Because the solution only addresses the parents concern we are using Plan A. – imposing Adult will. I recommend 'Don’t stick your no’s in unnecessarily, try to say yes and don’t be rigid.'
I like the phrase - ' I am not saying No '
Of course this does not mean I am saying yes , it means ' I just want to hear your concerns , can you tell me more ?' Our purpose is to get a conversation going with the child mainly speaking and we listening. We need to gather information about the child's concerns.
When our concerns are put on the table, we are in fact setting a limit, because our concerns will be addressed by the mutually satisfying solution.
Any solution must be mutually satisfactory addressing both concerns of the parent and child. Of course there will be times that a parent will insist on his way but the kid who has had his concerns taken seriously in the past is more likely to trust his parents when they insist on their solution.
Try to talk things through and help your child connect with his true inner core so that the mutually satisfying solution is one that he feels is his own, meets his needs and an expression of who he is. The CPS - collaborative problem solving process Cp builds relationship , promotes life skills that will be needed when he goes out into the world and especially help with important relationships including marriage. The process also supports his autonomy in a healthy way.