Hell, hope and healing: a four-part series Mary Gail Frawley-O'Dea

National Catholic Reporter

*Editor's note: This blog introduces "Hell, hope and healing", an *NCR*four-part series on sexual abuse. Part 1 of the series http://ncronline.org/node/123821; [1] has been posted online. Parts 2, 3 and 4 will be published first in our print edition first and then posted to our website. You will be able to read the whole series at the feature series page Hell, hope and healing.;http://ncronline.org/feature-series/hell-hope-and-healing; [2]*

Since 2002, we rightly have been bombarded by stories about sexual abuse in the Catholic church. Many Catholics have felt the church has been singled out as a particularly heinous committer of crimes. There is truth to this, but it is also important to contextualize clergy abuse as a part of the wider phenomenon of serious child maltreatment that is still much too prevalent in this country and in others.

The first article in this four-part series,;http://ncronline.org/node/123821 [1] therefore, will place clergy sexual abuse within the universe of child abuse and neglect and will describe the damage suffered by victims of early maltreatment. The other three parts will be published in upcoming issues of *NCR*, and later posted to NCRonline.org.

We also have heard many times since the church crisis exploded into the public square that victims/survivors of clergy sexual abuse are damaged for life, that these horrible experiences never leave them and instead turn their lives into hell on earth forever. While this can occur, it does not have to. Survivors of adverse childhood experiences can heal and the second article in this series extends hope by describing what processes can help that happen.

In the third article, I extend the discussion beyond healing to discuss the possibility, now validated through research, that some trauma survivors actually experience post-traumatic growth. While never suggesting that somehow the survivor is better off because of the abuse, it is possible to derive meaning from those traumatic experiences and the healing processes addressed in Part 2 of this series. At that point, survivors often develop capabilities, interests and skills that add fullness to their lives. Part 3 also suggests that institutions and organizations affected by trauma can strive for growth by understanding the parts they are playing in healing or impeding their own and others' recoveries.

Finally, in Part 4 of the series, I offer some practical suggestions for making empowered choices among healing resources.

[Mary Gail Frawley-O'Dea is author of *Perversion of Power: Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church* and a psychologist who has been working with sexual abuse survivors for 30 years.]

*Source URL (retrieved on 05/09/2016 - 12:59):*
http://ncronline.org/blogs/ncr-today/hell-hope-and-healing-four-part-series
*Links:*
[1] http://ncronline.org/node/123821
[2] http://ncronline.org/feature-series/hell-hope-and-healing

http://ncronline.org/news/accountability/childhood-abuse-and-neglect-take-their-toll

Childhood abuse and neglect take their toll 
Mary Gail Frawley-O'Dea | May. 9, 2016
Hell, hope and healing
Analysis

*Editor's note: This is the first part of a four-part examination of the clergy sex abuse scandal in the Catholic church. Read more about the series here: "Hell, hope and healing." <http://ncronline.org/node/124381> [1]*

The past two decades have witnessed an interdisciplinary explosion of new information about the prevalence and aftermath of child abuse and neglect.

From 1995 to 1997, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente conducted a study of more than 17,000 Americans to determine how many had been subjected to adverse childhood experiences
(ACEs) and what symptoms and disorders they suffered that differentiated them from those patients who did not have such histories. At the same time, researchers in clinical, developmental and neuropsychology, along with
neurobiologists and trauma specialists, have increased our understanding of the potential impact of early abuse and neglect on virtually every aspect
of a victim's life.

So what do we know?

The CDC data indicates that only a little over one-third of subjects had no ACEs; 26 percent had one; 15.9 percent had two; 9.5 percent had three; and 12.5 percent had four or more. The study found that symptoms and disorders in ACE survivors were correlated with the number of ACEs experienced and with the frequency and/or intensity of each particular stressor. Let's make this real.

The U.S. Census Bureau tells us that in 2014, there were about 245.2 million Americans over 18, meaning that more than 156 million adults have histories of ACEs, with more than 30 million having four or more. Over 50 million of us were sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 30 million watched our mothers get hit.

Think about these numbers when we get to the aftermath of adverse childhood experiences. Big numbers, but by now you may be wondering why you are being deluged with all this information. Isn't the issue for Catholics "just" the sexual violations of kids by priests and the sometimes still-ongoing cover-up by bishops and provincial superiors?

I would say no. While clergy sexual abuse is the ACE most haunting the church right now, it is important that Catholics take in and feel that more than every other person in their pew has a history of ACEs and every eighth person has had four or more of these devastating childhood experiences,  many of which are not single episodes, but ongoing incidences of abuse, neglect, watching mom get beaten, or coming home to a drunk parent.

If churches are to be field hospitals, as Pope Francis so eloquently suggests, we should all understand who the patients really are and what they suffer, even when they don't look obviously injured. The abused and neglected are not "them"; they are us.

We now know that ACEs can have major effects on every aspect of human functioning. Symptoms and disorders increase commensurately with the more types of ACEs we have been subjected to and the more times those ACEs have occurred. Let's quickly review what happens to ACE victims and survivors. [...]

Grandfather to pay child support after father fled to Uman

Arutz 7

Israeli Supreme Court ruled that father of 'divorce refuser' who fled to Ukraine will pay 2000 shekels a month for grandchildren’s support.

The Israeli High Court (Supreme Court) authorized a ruling of the Rabbinical Court of Jerusalem on Sunday that the father of a Get (divorce) refuser who abandoned his family will have to pay child support for his grandchildren, according to a Channel 10 report.

The Get refuser fled Israel to Uman, Ukraine, and left his wife an Agunah(woman who is "chained" to her marriage) without any means to support their three children.

These unfortunate circumstances led the Rabbinical Court of Jerusalem to rule that the father of the Get refuser is to make child support payments for his three grandchildren, amounting to 2,000 shekels ($530) per month.

Likewise, the court placed a prohibition on the grandfather from leaving the country.

The grandfather appealed to the High Court claiming that the Rabbinical Court acted against the principles of natural justice, that he should not suffer because of his son’s sins, and that his fundamental rights have been violated without justification.[...]

Private schools, painful secrets - child abuse in private schools

Boston Globe

More than 200 victims. At least 90 legal claims. At least 67 private schools in New England. This is the story of hundreds of students sexually abused by staffers, and emerging from decades of silence today.

Steven Starr reached into the back of his hallway closet and fished out the old camera, a gift nearly 50 years ago from the man he says molested him.

“It’s like a talisman or a grim reminder,’’ he said, holding the dusty Minolta Autocord in his Los Angeles apartment. Not that he could ever forget what he alleges happened to him when he was 11 at the Fessenden School.

In 1968, he was a lonely sixth-grader from Long Island when he met James Dallmann, a Harvard graduate who taught geography at the all-boys private school in West Newton and was an avid photographer.

Dallmann took Starr under his wing. He made the boy his apprentice and encouraged him to visit the teacher’s bedroom in their dorm at Moore Hall after lights out to learn how to use his makeshift darkroom. The teacher photographed Starr and delighted the boy by giving him the twin-lens Minolta.

Then one night, Starr said, Dallmann served him a mix of Tang and vodka, got him to pose naked for pictures on a bed, and performed oral sex on him. This is our secret, Dallmann told Starr, who said the abuse went on for about a year.

For nearly half a century, Starr kept his feelings of betrayal and humiliation inside, sharing his story only with therapists and a few confidants.

But now he is among a growing number of former students at New England private schools who are breaking their silence about sexual abuse by staffers. They are emboldened by a cascade of recent revelations about cases — many of them decades old — that were often ignored or covered up when first reported, and that school administrators still struggle to handle appropriately today. [...]

There is no research available on the prevalence of abuse at private schools and whether it is more common than in public schools, where one federal study found nearly 10 percent of students are targets of unwanted sexual attention by educators in grades K-12. But boarding schools, in particular, present unique opportunities for educators to have close contact with students. Students often go weeks or months without seeing their families, while spending time with staff before and after classes and living alongside them in dorms.

The schools, many with rich histories and famed alumni, have often struggled to balance the need to respond robustly to abuse allegations with a desire to guard their reputations. Historically, few allegations were reported to law enforcement, and many schools avoid publicizing them even today. Getting past the schools’ reticence is a challenge; because these are private institutions, they are exempt from public records laws. And when the Globe sent surveys to 224 private schools on their experience with sexual misconduct allegations, only 23 — about 10 percent — chose to reply. [...]

Article Details Widespread Claims of Sex Abuse at Private Schools

NY Times

Since 1991, more than 200 students from at least 67 private schools across New England have accused teachers, administrators or other staff members of sexually abusing or harassing them, according to a report on Sunday by The Boston Globe’s Spotlight investigation team.

These and other allegations, going back decades, include claims of rape, fondling, molestation and oral sex by trusted adults in positions of authority, including, in one case, an admissions officer.

At least 90 lawsuits or other legal claims have been filed on behalf of the people who have made the accusations, and at least 37 school employees have been fired or forced to resign because of the allegations, the newspaper said. In addition, nearly two dozen employees eventually pleaded guilty or were convicted on criminal charges of abusing children or related crimes.

The Globe’s tally of abuse claims at New England’s private schools, many of them among the nation’s wealthiest and most prestigious institutions, appears to be one of the first efforts to quantify the extent of the problem. There is no central database of allegations against private school employees. A 2004 analysis of the scant research on sex abuse at the nation’s public schools estimated that 9.6 percent of students between kindergarten and 12th grade had experienced some form of sexual misconduct by an educator, ranging from offensive comments to rape; there is no comparable research on private schools.

The Globe said that even its report most likely underestimated the incidence of sexual abuse at these schools; because they are private, they are exempt from public records requests. The Globe sent surveys to 224 private schools about their experience with sexual misconduct allegations, but just 23 — about 10 percent — responded. The article is based on an examination of court cases and interviews with alumni, relatives, school officials and lawyers.

Still, The Globe found 11 cases in which private school employees who were accused of sexual misconduct went on to work at other schools — “an echo of the Catholic Church scandal, in which abusive priests were often moved to other parishes,” the newspaper said.

Allegations of sexual abuse have been emerging in recent years as survivors have slowly gained the confidence to tell their stories publicly after decades of grief, dysfunction and difficulties with intimacy. Many came forward after the 2011 scandal at Penn State, which has paid $92 million in settlement costs related to Jerry Sandusky, an assistant football coach who was convicted of abusing 10 boys over 15 years.

The private schools have generally been loath to acknowledge problems when their students or alumni have reported them, at least in the past. But The Globe’s report could add urgency for administrators to be more responsive and transparent in these cases as they seek to protect their students, assuage parents and satisfy alumni and donors.

“The Globe’s tally is sobering,” Peter Upham, the executive director of the Association of Boarding Schools, wrote in an email. But he added, “I don’t think it’s the quantification of the problem that moves most administrators: It’s the heartbreaking stories.” [...]

Accused pedolphile Malka Leifer's extradition is put on hold pending results of psychiatric exam

Australian Mercury

The Jerusalem District Court has ruled to suspend all legal proceedings against an alleged pedophile and ex-principal of a religious Jewish girl's school in Melbourne.

The move further delays a call for Malka Leifer's extradition to Victoria where she would face prosecution for 74 sexual abuse offences against girls at the school she headed.

Leifer failed to appear in the Jerusalem District Court for the eighth time in two years, after her legal team have persistently argued she is unfit to stand trial due to her psychiatric state.

Leifer's defence headed by Yehuda Fried has argued she suffers panic attacks and bouts of depression as each court hearing approaches.

A psychiatrist's report presented to the court in April said that she suffered a psychotic episode ahead of a scheduled hearing in April and had to be hospitalised for two days.

So far eight court hearings have gone ahead without her being present, a move many say is a delaying tactic by her defence. [...]

In a surprising move on Sunday, Leifer's defence and the prosecution both agreed that all legal proceedings should be suspended until she received medical treatment, pending a psychiatrist's report on what that treatment should be.

Ribner Cohen told the judge the state believed Leifer should be hospitalised and not treated in an outpatient capacity.

Judge Cohen called for a psychiatric recommendation on what treatment Leifer should receive.

The options were hospitalisation, outpatient treatment, or no treatment.

The district psychiatrist would deliver his recommendations by the end of May and they would be assessed in court on June 2.

Those recommendations were not binding [...]

Leifer headed Adass Israel School from 2003, until 2008 when she fled.

She was highly regarded in the community, running day-to-day operations at the school, while also teaching Jewish studies.

Members of the Adass Israel School board are under investigation by police in Victoria for helping Leifer and her family leave.

===============

see also   http://www.nrg.co.il/online/1/ART2/775/921.html?hp=1&cat=402&loc=10

הפרקליטות: חרדית שחשודה באונס לא תוסגר לאוסטרליה

מלכה לייפר, תושבת עמנואל, חשודה בביצוע עשרות עבירות אונס ומעשים מגונים בתלמידותיה במלבורן. נציגי המדינה קבעו כי היא צריכה להתאשפז ולקבל טיפול ולכן הופסקו כרגע ההליכים להסגרתה

Rav Amar's psak against the imprisonment of father to pressure son to give a Get

Kooker

פרשת מאסר אבי הסרבן: היום (ד') יתקיים דיון בערעור שהגיש תושב ארה"ב נגד ביה"ד הרבני בת"א שגזר עליו באופן תקדימי עונש מאסר בפועל בטענה כי הוא עומד מאחורי סירוב בנו המתגורר בארה"ב לתת גט לאשתו החיה עם ילדיהם בישראל.

האב, המיוצג על ידי עורכי הדין אליעד שרגא ויעל נגר, הגיש אמש תשובה הלכתית שחיבר מי שכיהן בעשור האחרון כנשיא ביה"ד הגדול, הרב שלמה משה עמאר, לשעבר הרב הראשי לישראל וכיום רב העיר ירושלים, לפיו לביה"ד אין כל סמכות לאסור אחרים מלבד בני הזוג עצמם.

בפסק ההלכה קובע הרב עמאר כי אסור לעצור הורים או אחים לשם עונש מהטעם שבתורה נכתב "לא יומתו אבות על בנים" ולביה"ד מוקנית סמכות לכל היותר לחייבם להעיד או לחקור אותם לצורך בירור.

נשיא ביה"ד לשעבר אף מציע פתרון לסוגיית עיגון האשה וכותב כי היות והבן הסרבן דורש שההליך המשפטי יתקיים בארה"ב – שם חיו בני הזוג – ניתן לדרוש מהבעל שיתחייב לפתוח תיק בבי"ד בארה"ב ובמקביל יפקיד עירבון כספי בביה"ד בישראל לטובת האשה, על מנת להבטיח את התייצבותו לדיונים בביה"ד בארה"ב.

[..]

My philosophy for a happy life | Sam Berns TED video

First Chareidi Conference about the problems of attention and concentration

bhol

ראשי ישיבות, מגידי שיעורים, משגיחים, מנהלי ת"תים, מחנכים ומלמדים - לצד אלפי אבות שהחינוך בראש מעייניהם, השתתפו בועידה השנתית של ארגון "חיים של תורה", שהתקיימה באולמי תמיר בירושלים, ועסקה בשלושה נושאים: הגדרת הזהות האישית; קשב וריכוז והתמודדות. 

ועדת ההיגוי של הארגון ישבה על המדוכה והגיעה למסקנה שבמלחמה בדור הזה על נפש הנער, עומדים על סדר היום שלושת נושאים אלו, שהכרה בהם יכולה להביא הצלחה אדירה במלאכת החינוך. 

את הועידה הנחה הרב אהרן יהודה פרלשטיין מנהל ת"ת מחזיקי הדת בב"ב - והיא חולקה לשלושה מושבים. במושב הראשון הציג הרב חיים צבי יאקאב מנהל הת"ת הכלל חסידי באשדוד, מחקר פורץ דרך סביב הזהות האישית שלנו ושל תלמידינו באמצעות מצגת. אחריו דיבר יו"ר ארגון חיים של תורה העולמי הרה"ג רבי פנחס וינד שהציג את החלק הרוחני, החינוכי והתורני של הגדרת האישיות העצמית, כרכיב חשוב בעבודת הר"מ הפרטי. 

המושב השני נפתח עם הרצאתו של איש החינוך הרב מרדכי בארי שפתח את עולם הפרעת הקשב והריכוז, ההתמודדות עמה והטיפול בה. הרב בארי נתן דגש בעיקר על עולם הישיבות, על רקע חוסר הפעילות בתחום הקשב והריכוז בישיבות. 

בנוסף, התנהל פאנל מרתק בהנחיית הרב שלום פרסטר, מחנך בכיר ב"חיים של תורה" ומומחה בתחום החינוך הפרטני. הפאנל הציג מציאות דרמטית של ההתמודדות יחד עם חמש דמויות ממגוון עולם החינוך. 

במושב השלישי העניק המגיד הרב משה בויאר, הרצאה מרתקת.

Police investigate video of principal, boy - decide not to press any charges

update:Times of Israel

State police are investigating the incident, according to the Journal News, the local paper that first reported the incident. 

Christopher Borek, the chief assistant district attorney for Orange County, said his office had received a copy of the video but declined to say whether or not the incident is under investigation. 

“I can tell you that in general our office treats all allegations of sexual abuse of children as extremely serious,” Borek told JTA, noting that a designated unit handles such allegations. “We never comment on investigations even to confirm if the investigation is ongoing or not unless or until charges are filed.”

The following seems to be a false report based on a surveilance video which was understood by those who put it on the internet as being an example of abuse - when in fact no abuse took place. It illustrates what was mentioned in a previous report of people willing to destroy the reputation of individuals without proper investigation and concern for what actually happened.

 =======================================================

lohud

State police are investigating a video purporting to show a school principal in close physical contact with a young boy in the Orange County village of Kiryas Joel.

The video was widely circulated on the Internet Monday.

The video camera appears to have been in the ceiling of the principal's office. An 11-minute version of the video shows a man sitting down at a desk and drawing the boy to him. As the boys stands between the man's legs, the man appears to stroke the boy's face and kiss him several times, shaking him occasionally and pulling him closer. Both remain clothed.

An administrator at the ultra Orthodox Jewish school, United Talmudical Academy, could not be reached. A call to the principal was not returned.

“We have received the video. We have looked at it,” Major Joseph Tripodo, commander of New York State Police Troop F in Middletown said. Tripodo said state police investigators have been looking into the matter along with the District Attorney’s Office and the Orange County Child Abuse Unit. He said it was premature to say whether a crime was committed.

He said police had the video before it began circulating on the Internet Monday but he would not say how long ago they began their investigation. He declined to discuss details of the tape or whether the principal has been questioned. He said “it hasn’t been determined” what exactly is happening in the video but that police are trying to have it enhanced as part of the investigation. [...]

Forward    reports having read the above article

============================
kikar haShabbat

הרשת סוערת: האם המלמד מתעלל בילד?

ברשתות החברתיות מופץ סרטון מזעזע בו נראה אדם בעל תפקיד חינוכי בחיידר בארה"ב מתעלל בילד. לפי חלק מהטענות, התיק נסגר לאחר שהתברר לחוקרים כי לא מדובר בהתעללות בילד (חדשות)

בשנים האחרונות הולכת וגוברת המודעות בציבור החרדי לטיפול אמיתי בתופעות חמורות של התעללות בילדים אם במקומות העבודה או הלימודים ואם בתוך הבית במסגרת המשפחתית, השם ירחם, וגם רבני הקהילות מורים לטפל בעניין במלוא הרצינות והחומרה זאת על מנת שחלילה תופעות שכאלו לא ישנו ויעקרו מתוך המחנה.

לעיתים הרבנים מורים להתייעץ עם העסקנים המוסמכים המפנים ליועצים חינוכיים ,פסיכולוגים או עובדים סוציאלים ולעיתים כשהדבר לובש חשש של היבט פלילי מערבים אף את רשויות החוק וחוקרי המשטרה הכל מתוך רגישות מירבית במטרה להביא לתועלת.

בימים אלו מופץ ברשתות החברתיות סרטון מזעזע, שכפי הנראה צולם כבר לפני כשנה, בו נראה אדם בעל תפקיד חינוכי בחיידר מוכר בארה"ב כשהוא מתעלל לכאורה בתלמיד ילד בגילאי 6-8.

הסרטון גרם לזעזוע ותחושות של חלחלה בקרב רבים שטענו כי יש למצוא את האשמים ולהעמיד אותם על עונשם.

 [...]

לדברי גורמים המכירים את המקרה, התובע בניו יורק שחקר ובדק את המקרה, ושמע את גרסת הילד, ההורים והמלמד, סגר את התיק מאחר ובדיקתו העלתה כי מדובר במחנך מזה 45 שנה שמעולם לא הוגשה נגדו תלונה וכי התברר כי מדובר בהתמסרות לתלמיד בלבד

Acharei Mos; Are We Not Concerned About Animal Blood? by Rabbi Shlomo Pollak

The Torah instructs us to cover the blood of a bird or WILD animal, that we slaughtered. We call that, the Mitzvah of "Kisoi HaDam". The Torah elaborates, in the next "Posuck", why we must not leave the blood uncovered...כִּי-נֶפֶשׁ כָּל-בָּשָׂר, דָּמוֹ בְנַפְשׁוֹ הוּא.

However, the Torah does not tell us to do Kisoi HaDam on the blood of domesticated animals (cow, sheep, or goat). In fact, the Halachah is that there is no Mitzvah of Kisoi HaDam on animals....

But, Why not?!.....כִּי-נֶפֶשׁ כָּל-בָּשָׂר, דָּמוֹ בְנַפְשׁוֹ הוּא.. 

We first must explain, the reason the Torah is giving us for this unique Mitzvah, and then we can try to understand why it doesn't apply for domesticated animals as well.....

For questions and comments please email us at salmahshleima@gmail.com

Conversion program for children?

http://giyur.org.il/אודות/http://giyur.org.il/אודות/

The Origins of the Non-Jewish Custom Of ‘Shlissel Challah’ (Key Bread) “The Loaf of Idolatry?”

update: Rabbi Yair Hoffman who is critical of the following article

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/04/schlissel-challah-analysis-by-rabbi.html

Shlissel     By Shelomo Alfassa

Introduction

Every year Jewish women, young and old, partake in an Ashkenazi[1] custom to place a key (such as a door key to a home), inside the dough of a loaf of bread that they bake.[2] This custom is known as shlissel challah—shlissel from the German language shlüssel (key) and challah or hallah from the Hebrew for bread.[3] While a metal key is often baked within the bread, some form the bread itself into the shape of a key or even arrange sesame seeds on top in the form of a key.[4] Often times, these women gather in celebratory groups with the common belief that baking the shlissel challah will bring blessing into their homes, and specifically, the blessing of increased fiscal livelihood. There is also a seemingly new ‘custom’ of baking shlissel challah in the “merit” of a sick person, as a way of helping them recover from physical disease or trauma.[5] A poll on the popular Orthodox Jewish website imamother.com asked participants: “How do you make your schlissel [sic] challah?”[6] The 88 respondants reported: In the shape of a key 13% [12]; With a key baked in it 61% [54]; Neither, I don't do this 17% [15]; Other 7% [7].

Non-Jewish Origins

The baking of a key inside a bread is a non-Jewish custom which has its foundation in Christian, and possibly even earlier, pagan culture. At least one old Irish source tells how at times when a town was under attack, the men said, “let our women-folk be instructed in the art of baking cakes containing keys.”[7]

Keys were traditionally manufactured in the form of a cross, the traditional symbol of Christianity,[8] a physical item all Christian commoners would posses in their home.[9]On Easter, the Christian holiday which celebrates the idea of Jesus ‘rising’ from the dead, they would bake the symbol of Jesus—the key shaped like a cross—into or onto a rising loaf.[10] This was not only a religious gesture, but the bread was a special holiday treat. Sometimes these breads were wholly formed in the shape of a cross; other times the shape of a cross was made out of dough and applied on top. In the context of historically baking a key into bread—the key itself, intrinsically, was a symbol of Christianity and by extension symbolized Jesus ‘rising’ in the dough.[11]

Connection to Passover

The modern Jewish custom of baking the symbolic shlissel challah, annually takes place on the shabbat immediately following the holiday of Pessah, when tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of religiously observant Jewish women[12] practice this observance.

In Christianity, baked goods associated with keys are commonly called ‘Easter breads,’[13] and in Europe they are also known as ‘Paschals,’[14] as the holiday of Easter in the East is known as ‘Pascha’ or ‘Pascua.’ This is most likely the reason Christians often call Easter breads baked with keys Paschals.[15] Before the Romans destroyed theBeit HaMikdash (the holy Temple) in Jerusalem, the focus of the Passover holiday for the Jewish people was the Korban Pessah (lit. Pessah sacrifice, also known as thePaschal Lamb[16]). Within Christianity, Jesus is known as the ‘Paschal Lamb.’

Geographic Origins

Professor Marvin Herzog, a world renowned Yiddish linguist at Columbia University tells that dough twisted in the form of a key (among other shapes such as a ladder) were found to top challah loafs in Poland, “…the distribution of some of these things was a regional matter.”[17] As an example of the regionality, Prof. Herzog created a map demonstrating where dough was shaped as a ladder and placed on challah, and how it was specific only to certain communities and was not universal. Insomuch as a ladder motif was regional, it can be conjectured that the use of a key or key motif could have evolved the same way. Both a ladder and a key are symbolic as tools that could metaphysically help one attain heaven, as they both help ‘gain access.’

Lack of Sources

While the custom is said to be mentioned in the writings of Avraham Yehoshua Heshel (the “Apter Rav” 1748-1825) and in the Ta’amei ha-Minhagim (1891), there is no one clear source for shlissel challah. And while people will say there is a passuq attributed to it, there is not. And, even if there were, a passuq that can be linked to the practice is not the same as a source. Micha Berger, founder of the AishDas Society, [orthodox] calls this type of logic ‘reverse engineering,’ it’s like drawing a circle around an arrow in a tree, and subsequently declaring the arrow is a bullseye.[18] The idea of baking shlissel challah is not from the Torah; it’s not in the Tannaitic, Amoraitic, Savoraitic, Gaonic or Rishonic literature. Rabbi Shlomo Aviner of Israel’s Yeshivat Ateret Yerushalayim said that while baking challah with a key in it is not forbidden, “there is no meaning in doing so.”[19] Rabbi Moshe Ben-Chaim[20] of Mesora.Org [orthodox] teaches that:

The Torah teaches that Hashem punishes the wicked, and rewards the righteous. It does not say that challah baking or any other activity will help address our needs…When the matriarchs were barren, they did not resort to segulas, but introspected and prayed…Nothing in Torah supports this concept of segula; Torah sources reject the idea of a segula…baking challas with brachos cannot help…segulas are useless, and violate the Torah prohibition of Nichush [good luck charms]. It does not matter if the charm is a rabbit’s foot, a horseshoe, a challah, key or a red bendel. The practice assumes that forces exist, which do not, and it is idolatrous.[21]

Rabbi Reuven Mann, Principal of Yeshiva B'nei Torah in Far Rockaway, New York [orthodox] says one should ask themselves: “What connection is there between putting a key in the dough of a challah (schlissel challah) and the improvement of my material situation (parnasa)?”[22] He says:

The dangers of deviation are very great. For by inventing new practices not prescribed by Torah one, in fact, implicitly denies the Torah. He is in effect saying that the Torah is not perfect, for it does not work in my case, and there are other man made practices out there which will work for me. In effect this is a negation of Torah and constitutes a form of idolatry, heaven forbid….[this] indicates that a person has lost faith in the authentic prescriptions of Torah. By performing these “unauthorized actions” one is implicitly affirming that there are other “forces” out there besides God which will respond to the needs of the performer of these ritualistic practices. This constitutes a form of “Avodah Zorah.” [...]

PROGRAMS HELP LIBERATE ‘CHAINED’ ORTHODOX JEWISH WOMEN

city and state NY

Last December, Mendel Epstein, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi in Brooklyn, was convicted of conspiring to kidnap and torture men who had refused to give their wives a Jewish divorce, known as a “get.” The case – which was investigated by the FBI and resulted in a 10-year prison sentence for Epstein – generated sensational tabloid and national media coverage. (The Daily News nicknamed Epstein “The Prodfather,” for his alleged use of a cattle prod to coerce husbands to provide a divorce.)

But lost amid the macabre details of the Epstein case was a much more widespread problem that persists in the tight-knit Orthodox communities in Williamsburg, Crown Heights, Borough Park and Flatbush: Many Orthodox Jewish women seeking to escape abusive or defunct marriages face a system that is stacked against them, sometimes trapping them as “chained women” for years on end. And as such cases have become increasingly prevalent, advocates, social services agencies and lawyers have teamed up in an effort to provide women with the resources and representation that they need.
At the core of the Jewish divorce system is the get, a divorce document that can only be provided by a husband to his wife in a Jewish court, a forum which arbitrates matrimony matters under religious law. In the case that a husband continually refuses to grant the get, despite his marriage being defunct, his wife is said to be “agunah,” or chained to him, unable to pursue remarriage or bear legitimate children within the Orthodox Jewish community.

While many Jewish scholars say that a get should never be refused once a marriage is functionally over, advocates say that, in many cases, husbands will use the get as a way to gain the upper hand in a divorce.

“Husbands will refuse the get and use it as a form of blackmail to extort concessions,” said Orly Kusher, staff attorney at Sanctuary for Families’ Orthodox Jewish Matrimonial Project, which recently launched due to an influx of get refusal cases. “They’ll say, ‘I won’t give you the Jewish divorce unless you give me custody of the kids, or a large sum of money – give me $30,000 and then I’ll give you the get.’ Our view here at Sanctuary – and why it ties in with our work with domestic violence victims – is that we see the refusal to give a get, in and of itself, as a form of abuse.”

According to social service workers, fear over the refusal of the get is just one of a host of conditions that can lead Orthodox women to stay in abusive relationships.

“The idea of ‘shalom bayit,’ or peace in the home, is a central tenet of Jewish marriage,” said Shoshannah Frydman, director of family violence services at the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty. “Women are socialized to be mothers and homemakers, so speaking up about an abusive relationship can be seen within the community as a personal failing to uphold that peace.”

Due to the stigma attached to divorce and domestic abuse issues, Frydman says that many women fear that escaping an abusive relationship will hurt their children’s chances of finding a suitable partner during the “shidduch,” or matchmaking process that arranges marriages within the community.

“Some women will only contact us about abuse when their last child gets married off,” Frydman said. “One of our clients has two daughters who are in their 20s and are unmarried. They are begging their mother to stay in her marriage because they are afraid it will hurt their chances. But they understand why she wants to leave.”

Frydman also says that Orthodox women feel incredible societal and religious pressure to keep their families intact.

“Who will say kiddush (a Jewish prayer) over the wine? That’s seen as a male role,” Frydman said. “What is it like to have a Passover seder without a family? And then there are the very harsh financial realities: kosher food costs more; entering the workforce and supporting themselves and their children apart from their husbands is often extremely challenging, especially because these are often large families.”

Given these forces, Kusher says that it is important for women to have legal support early on in the matrimony process, which gives them the strongest chance of navigating the system successfully. In response to this need, the Orthodox Jewish Matrimony Project, which Kusher heads, provides representation for Orthodox women in divorce, custody, visitation and child support hearings in both civil and Jewish courts, as well as connects clients to in-house counseling, shelter and job training services.

“Ideally, we want to have the client to come to us before she’s already been refused a get,” Kusher said. “Let’s say she’s just thinking of getting a divorce. She’s in an abusive situation. Hopefully we can contact that client early, because if we are representing her from the beginning, we can give her the best advice and counsel for her case, as opposed to if she already tried to go to a certain Jewish court and maybe things already happened in that court and she’s bound to a certain forum, we would still advocate for her, but we can’t necessarily undo things that have already been done.”

Rabbi Shlomo Weissmann, who presides over matrimony proceedings at the Beth Din of America, a forum favored by advocates due to its more sympathetic treatment of women than other, more conservative Jewish courts, says that it’s important for women to be guided through the process by experts.[...]

The "space cadets" of the chareidi world - whose minds are not where their bodies are: The impact of cells phones on awareness of others

I received these observations with permission to publish them anonymously. In the ongoing discussion of the impact of modern technology are who we are and how we relate to others.

Here in Beitar I regularly witness the following:

men listening to their recordings as they walk in the street totally unaware of their surroundings, of each other, of the traffic

men on the phone in the street totally unaware of their surroundings

men in stores on the phone to their wives taking instructions totally unaware that there are other people in the store and moving their person around without any consideration for people in front, behind or at the side.

mothers pushing their agolas with one hand and phone in the other hand conversing while little/tiny children trail behind totally unattended at the mercy of the traffic here and of the distracted drivers also on the phone

mother actually crossing the road on the phone with little kids in tow.  i yell at them in english and tell them to put their phones away and look after their kids.  it only raises my blood pressure :-)

fathers crossing the road doing the same as above - i do the same and some do listen if i do it nicely.

i saw - twice now - a young father on an electric bike with little kid on the crossbar, no helmets, on the phone weaving in and out of parked cars and the traffic on a main street.  when i accosted him he just grinned maniacally and continued on his way.  i have given up... can't change the world.

people are not in "the now".  they are somewhere else.

a generation of kids are here where their mothers don't speak to them outdoors because they are busy on their phones.  to me the kids look lost and bewildered and neglected.  maybe it's indoors too.

men of all ages riding electric bikes on the crowded sidewalks - one of those could kill or maim.  

what happened to "Bein Odom LeChaveiroh" i ask here.  they can talk for three hours about an esrog and wrongly park in a handicapped driver's place without batting an eyelid.

Some links to the work of Amudim concerning abuse and addiction

Video Amudim produced about sexual abuse: https://www.facebook.com/amudimorg/videos/vb.753842034667791/1109146575804000/?type=2&theater

Video Amudim produced about addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbfN99tnat8

Hamodia Article this week:  http://hamodia.com/2016/05/03/a-piercing-email/

vos is neais article quoting Amudim: http://www.vosizneias.com/237764/2016/05/04/new-york-orthodox-groups-remain-divided-as-markey-bill-highlighted-in-albany/

Poster child for OTD - allegedly hatched murder plot! Cops: Ramapo podiatrist, girlfriend plotted to kill wife

Jewish Week

As ex-chasidic mom fights for her kids, Rockland judge’s ruling favors husband amid abuse allegations.  

 

When a chasidic husband and wife in the midst of a bitter custody battle want to go their own very separate ways, what’s in the “best interest” of their three young children who have only known the religious and cultural cocoon of upstate Monsey?

 

That question, a thorny one even when the parents’ breakup is amicable, takes on added emotional freight in the case of Kelly Gribeluk (Myzner) vs. Guillermo (Moshe) Gribeluk, the couple that until recently shared a home in the Satmar enclave. There are allegations that the father is physically, and perhaps sexually, abusing the children. And there is the mother’s vow, relayed in court documents, to take the three boys away from the only religious community they have known and instead raise them in a secular Jewish environment. 

 

Add to that allegations that the father has a hair-trigger temper and flies into fits of rage, and that the mother was carrying on an affair with her husband’s 19-year-old nephew and you have a vivid portrait of a family coming apart at the seams. Then consider the fact that the family court judge hearing the case has received sizeable campaign contributions from Rockland’s powerful Orthodox community, and the story becomes that much more dizzying. [...]

=============================

Cops: Ramapo podiatrist, girlfriend plotted to kill wife

lohud

A podiatrist and his girlfriend plotted to kill his wife and have two insurance investigators looking into his business beaten up, town police said Tuesday.

Police arrested Ira Bernstein, 41, and Kelly Myzner Gribeluk, 36, Monday night following a month-long investigation they said was sparked when the person the couple reached out to about killing Bernstein's wife initially reported the plot to the Spring Valley police.

Ramapo Detective Lt. Mark Emma said Bernstein and Gribeluk thought the man they approached had the connections they needed. He called the man "an exceptional citizen" for reporting what happened.

"This person had some sort of relationship with one of them," Emma said. "They asked him to cause injury to Bernstein's wife to result in her death. They made an assumption he could help them. He doesn't do those things."

Rockland District Attorney Thomas Zugible, called the plot "a despicable plan to take the life of a wife and mother essentially for financial gain." [...]

Supreme Court: Retry shopkeepers convicted of sexual assault

JPost

The Supreme Court on Monday ordered a retrial for two Jaffa flea market shopkeepers convicted of sexually assaulting a 25-year-old American tourist three years ago.

The three-justice panel of Yoram Danziger, Neal Hendel and Uri Shoham ruled that since only one of the three Tel Aviv District Court judges who convicted the shop owners had heard the tourist’s testimony, it had been illegal for them to render a verdict.

In June 2013, the woman was sexually assaulted at a store in the flea market by Avraham Shamian, 39, and Shimon Rachmani, 44. In April 2015, Shamian, of Ra’anana, was sentenced to four and a half years in prison, while Rachmani, of Holon, was given eight months. Their sentence was frozen pending an appeal.

According to the indictment, the woman came to the flea market on a Monday afternoon – when the area is crowded with shoppers – and entered a store. She chose a ring, the indictment said, and gave Shamian NIS 200. The storekeeper refused to give her change, and suggested she buy more jewelry.

Next, noted the indictment, the owner brought her into a corner of the store and assaulted her, while threatening her. Shamian then told the tourist he was leaving briefly, and that if she tried to flee it would be “suicide” for her.

Afraid to leave, she remained. Upon his return, Shamian again raped and sexually assaulted her, the indictment stated. [...]

Lawsuit: New Haven Rabbi Sexually Assaulted Teen

Courant

In a federal lawsuit filed Tuesday, a New Jersey man accuses a prominent rabbi from New Haven of repeatedly sexually assaulting him when he was a teenager.

The target of the allegation is Rabbi Daniel Greer, a well-known member of the Orthodox Jewish community in New Haven and a former member of the city's board of police commissioners and governor's commission on school choice. The suit was filed electronically in U.S. District Court in Bridgeport Tuesday morning, a court clerk said.

The suit names as co-defendants two schools run by the rabbi, Yeshiva of New Haven, Inc. and The Gan School, Inc. It accused the schools of "allowing the violent sexual abuse to continue unabated for years."

It alleges that Greer sexually abused another male student as well. [...]

William Ward, Greer's attorney, said he hadn't seen the lawsuit and couldn't address the specific allegations. But he questioned the plaintiff's motives and the delay in bringing forward his allegations.

"It only takes a moment to make allegations with despicable indifference to the consequences of the damage they would cause to my client, to his family and to his reputation that he spent a lifetime building in this community. This is a difficult time for my client and his family, but I would remind the public to ask for evidence before rushing to judgment."

"Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] would wait 14 years. Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] well into his adulthood, repeatedly honored the man he accuses." He has repeatedly said the rabbi helped him personally in several ways, Ward said.

"Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] himself an Orthodox Jew, would not seek redress in the form of a rabbinical arbitration court. Finally, ask yourself why [the plaintiff's] first stop was his lawyer's office to seek money." [...]

Statutory joint custody - Is it a good idea?

I was asked to post this petition that New York should have a law that there should be joint custody.  https://www.change.org/p/new-york-governor-stop-the-alienation-against-fathers-joint-physical-custody-in-new-york?recruiter=46758182&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink 

In many states, the default custody arrangement is 50/50 physical and legal custody. Both parents have equal time and input with the children, and the children thrive with two active, fully involved, loving parents. The children used to live with both parents in one house all the time before the divorce, and now after the divorce they continue to live with both parents half and half. It minimizes the trauma of the divorce on the children, and makes the divorce easier and less stressful.

Unfortunately, New York state is still locked on some old middle-age belief, that the default custody should be with the mother. This is based on the belief that the mother stays home all day and is always available to care for the children, and the father works out of the home from morning till night and is unavailable to care for the children. In modern age, the same percentage of men and women work out of home, and the same percentage work from home or don't work. Fathers and mothers are both available at home, or both use babysitters the same way.

The current belief and practice in New York State causes the situation that one parent receives full custody and the other parent is thrown out of the children's life, and is only allowed some visits as a stranger. This causes tremendous emotional damage to the children. Their life is shattered, they lost a parent; and whether he/she is allowed visits or not, it will never be the same again.

This situation in New York State also adds so much stress to the divorce process, because every parent has to fight for his life. People spend millions for attorneys, use false allegations, go to appellate court, and engage in constant litigation. The court is obligated to provide 18B attorneys, forensic experts, and the judges must spend thousands of hours on each case, and all this costs the state billions of dollars, on the tax-payer's expense.

With one simple modification of the law, everything will fall into place. Like many states already ruled, the default law should be: 50/50 physical and legal custody to both parents. This will make the children's life happy and calm. This will also save billions of dollars for the state. If a parent wishes to take away the other parent's rights, he/she will be obligated to pay for the forensic expert and for the other parent's lawyer. This will minimize the stress and will eliminate false allegations.  

My view is that such an arrangement is ideal - but that there are many families where it is not a good idea. I found an article on Huffington Post which articulates my feelings on the matter. In addition it is conceivable that such a law would increase false allegations in many cases against a spouse to counter the reality of joint custody. I would prefer a preference for joint custody as the starting point - but leave it up to the court to decide whether it is appropriate in each case.

Huffington Post

Equal Child Custody Revisited

Several months ago I submitted a blog entitled “Why Equal Child Custody Should Not Be Presumed.” It is accessible on the Huffington Post Divorce Website in permanent archives. In that blog I stated that one size does not fit all and that I believed the statutory policy requiring 50/50 equal custody should not be the law.

I have received some comments where people have been very upset over my position.

In the state of Michigan where I practice there have been proposals in the legislature to have the statutory presumption for joint, equal, physical custody. The law has not been passed as of this date.

The general view of the attorneys who specialize in family law is that one size does not fit all. The view is that custody and parenting time should be decided on a case by case basis without a mandate or rebuttable presumption.

There clearly is a trend in Michigan and elsewhere towards a sharing of custodial arrangements.

There is also a trend to get away from some of the arguments over semantics. In Michigan there is a presumption favoring joint legal custody, which means that in almost every case the parents are to share in any major decision making consistent with the best interests of their children. This covers medical issues, school related issues, religious issues, and extracurricular activities by way of example.

I also feel that we are too hung up on semantics. A lot of battles are over physical custody. In many of my cases I don’t even use the terms physical custody, whether it is sole physical, primary physical, or joint physical. We will simply say that there is to be joint legal custody with a shared decision making arrangement and then set forth a parenting time schedule which is what visitation is called for the simple reason that both parents are parenting when they are with the children and not visiting. [...]

The angry responses that I have received to the blog were that attorneys just want to litigate and that the clients are being hurt. The truth of the matter is that where two people can agree then a shared custodial arrangement is clearly going to work and is clearly in the best interests of the minor children.

Let’s look at the scenario where we have a high conflict divorce where each parent cannot agree on anything. One will say it is raining, the other will say it is not. One parent will say it is midnight; the other will say it is morning. I have had many cases like this and even if there were a presumption by statute favoring joint physical custody, these are the cases where the litigation would continue. These are the cases where there would not necessarily be joint physical custody. Do I believe that joint physical custody makes sense? Do I believe that there should be a sharing of the children as much as possible? Absolutely [...]

On the other hand, I believe that there are cases where it just will not work. I have found over the years, that in most cases where parents get along and there is not high conflict, there can be a very easy relationship where the children, especially teenage children, can go back and forth between each home. This works, and makes sense.

On the other hand, in most cases where there is a high conflict, whether because of anger, bitterness, domestic violence, abuse, or perhaps mental illness, these are the situations where every detail has to be spelled out. Every day has to be spelled out; the hours of pick up and drop off have to be spelled out. These are the cases where joint physical custody too often will not work. Where the parents cannot communicate at all, everything has to be detailed so there is no room for argument. [...]

Although I may be antagonizing some people I stick to the views of my prior blog. While I believe joint physical custody makes sense in the majority of cases, it does not make sense in every case. I do not believe that it should be statutorily mandated. Every case is different. The key again is not what is best for the parent; it is what is in the best interests of the children. Most states have best interests of the child or children in their custody statutes and this is what is to be followed.

SHATTERED by Amudim Community Resources - Watch. Listen. Learn. Share.

The following video was sent to me by Tzvi Gluck of Amudim

Why Jewish leaders want abusers to pay: The Torah tells us it is never too late to pursue justice

 update   Arutz 7

Orthodox activists ask NY to change sex abuse reporting laws

Activists and victims to lobby New York's state capital demanding statute of limitations be lifted for child sex abuse.

 

Advocates for sexual abuse victims in the Orthodox Jewish community will be descending on New York's state capital on May 3 to lobby the legislature to eliminate the statute of limitations for child sex abuse offenses. A bill to change the statute of limitations has languished for years in a state legislative committee committee, due in large part to opposition from the Catholic Church and Agudath Israel of America.
The bill, known as the Child Victims Act, would "completely eliminate the civil statute of limitations for child sex abuse offenses in the future," according to SOL Reform, an advocacy group that is sponsoring a series of panels and news conferences May 3 and 4.
It would also suspend the civil statute of limitations for one year, during which time the accuser could bring a civil lawsuit against a private educational organization no matter how far back the alleged abuse dates.
While the bill passed the New York State Assembly, it has been blocked in the State Senate in the decade since it was introduced.
 

 =====================================

 update to update: The comment below was not written by Zvi Gluck of Amudim nor was it meant to convey the message that abusers should not be reported to the police or that abusers should not go to jail.

update: just received the following critical comment against this article for publication from someone who deals the child abuse and its consequences on a regular basis
==============================

I was, and still am, opposed completely to the proposed Markey Law in NYS. It would have satisfied only the senseless, bloodthirsty fanatics who call themselves advocates, and falsely claim to save neshamos.  That law would have accomplished nothing.

For abuse, there is a built in limitation, called time.  Once at a certain point in time, presenting evidence becomes difficult, if not close to impossible.  No one can be blamed for that – it is part of the creation that HKB”H fashioned.  Even memories become less reliable, and may not be enough to convict.  Yes, Hashem created a metziyus that would prevent someone from being charged and convicted.  No legislature needs to make that into law, and those that do are blasphemous in trying to claim the metziyus for themselves.

There is, yet, another factor that must be considered.  The role of publicity.  Today, if someone makes a claim publicly against someone, it is not even tried in the court of public opinion, it is granted automatic conviction.  That has been exploited by the “advocates” who are obsessed with destroying people.  I count myself among those who are comfortable with exiling pedophiles to a child free island.  If they expire there, there is rarely a loss for mankind. I am not nice about that.

But the ease with which someone’s life can be destroyed is not okay. The advocates are drunk with glee when there is an accusation to make.  No investigation, no verification.  And, yes, there are plenty of false claims.  I have encountered plenty of them.  It is not uncommon for parents to create the claim, when the children never suggested it.  I don’t know percentages, and frankly do not care. False claims If we allow falsehood to become part of law, it trashes the credibility of the truth.

My two cents. I do not think this should get published.Simple reason – it will trigger the “advocates”, and this will divert the thread into a war.

There is a new organization called Amudim.  For a change, it is dedicated to the welfare of the child, assisting in multiple ways. There is no focus on the media.  It is a welcome (sadly needed) service to Klal Yisroel.

===================================

NY Daily News

The famous joke goes: two Jews, three opinions. Yet last week, more than 100 Jewish leaders from across the religious and ideological divides came together, with one voice, to declare their support for statute of limitations reform for child abuse victims in New York State.

Why statute of limitations reform, and why are Jewish leaders lining up behind this bill? Because it’s our obligation as men and women of faith who purport to help people heal. And it is, I believe, our obligation as followers of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

After decades of denial, cover-ups and darkness, the light is finally shining on the scourge of child sexual abuse. Today, we better understand the high rate of its prevalence, the lasting and far-reaching damage caused by abusers, and the extreme difficulty survivors face in coming forward and seek justice. Tragically, New York State’s regressive laws prevent many victims from getting the justice they deserve and from stopping abusers from causing more harm.

While mental health experts have shown that it can take decades for a victim of child sexual abuse to overcome the fear, shame and trauma of abuse and come forward, our statutes allow someone to pursue criminal or civil justice only until the victim turns 23.

As a rabbi, I have met people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are only now coming to grips with what happened to them as children, and only now able to come forward. New York law fails these victims by giving a victim only five years from the time they enter adulthood to act.

New York state has been ranked among the very worst, alongside Mississippi, Alabama and Michigan, for how the courts and criminal justice system treat survivors of child sex abuse.[...]