Rav Wolbe's advice to chasanim

  Rav Wolbe (Advice to chasanim #1): Please tell me my dear chasan  what is your view as to the joint basis that you want to build your marriage?. The chasan replied, “ The answer is obvious we should have  love for each other!” I assumed you would give me such an answer so now permit me to ask a harsh question and excuse me for my contrary view which might upset you but afterall the goal of this conversation is for the purpose of proper prepation for  the well being of your home. Therefore it is best thar you get used to being realistic in dealing with your wife. In many matters the reality of married life is totally contrary to that which the typical yeshiva student imagines it to be. And when you determine what the reality is you will see it is not according to your preconceptions. I have another  question for you. It is very likely that after you get married you will discover that you and your wife disagree on a number of issues.  It will become obvious that even in some matters there is absolutely no common understanding. Therefore relying on common understanding is a very poor foundation for the relationship. And as far as love is concerned . We know that only unconditional love lasts. Any conditional love can readily turn to actual hatred. Consequently it is not possible to be secure with conditional love and therefore it is not a strong foundation for your home. Furthermore concerning love, I don’t mean that which the masses call love which the Chazon Ish famously stated “that which is commonly called love we call “kares!” A Ben Torah who clings strongly to the values expressed by the Igros Kodesh which is attributed to the Ramban knows how great is the obligation to build a relationship of love and mutuality between himself and his wife.  It is correct nevertheless that if love alone is the foundation to the relationship – we are talking about a long term relationship-  day after day year after year until 120. In different circumstances and conditions – and there is no home that does have periodic crises - and then it is very likely that the love will turn to hatred. Even though I hope that will prove to be transient But still it can not be the reliable foundation of the relationship. You frighten me!  I hope that with G-d’s help matters will not degenerate.. I am not trying to scare you but to merely to assure you by showing you a stronger foundation yo your home than what you were thinking . it is “It is good for a man to assume responsibility when he is young. That is the responsibility (yoke) of a wife (Koheles Rabbah 3:24). The idea of responsibilty – not love - -is the best foundation. Meaning you need to accept the responsibility for the well being of your wife in all circumstances, at all times and never neglect it.