Monday, December 7, 2015

Tamar Epstein's Heter: A Day at Heter Inc.

Guest post by Joe Orlow

Can you explain what you do at Heter Inc.?

Well, the word "Heter" is "permission" in English. If I may make a play on words, we are on a "pure mission" to give permission to women. The operative principle here is that "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets!"

But why is it only "permission to women"?

Nonsense and stuff! Men benefit also. Let me give an example. A young man was offered a prestigious teaching position in a school. There was one condition. He had to marry first. The mother of the young man complained to us. We asked the mother a few questions. It turns out the boy was a slob! He used to be negligent in separating his dark and white laundry!!

Can you believe such insanity?! We contacted a psychological expert (actually the building superintendent here who has a Phd in counseling from an online certificate mill) and he diagnosed the young man as "BI" (Bleach Insensitive). No woman would ever put up with that! The man was unmarriageable. Without our Heter the man would have been out on the street. No tickee, no shirtee!

I notice you have you have a lot of people working here. How do you raise

The money comes from purely voluntary donations that we insist get paid upfront. We need a large staff. You think contacting experts all over the world to sign on to our Heters is easy? Sometimes we have to make upwards of a thousand calls before we find someone without Fear of Heaven.

What do you find the most challenging part of your job?

Dealing with our competitor "Open Door Orthodoxy". When they need a Heter they sometimes uproot the tradition. Can you believe that? Heterics [sic]! We may contort, twist, and mangle, but we are proud of our strict adherence to the ways of our holy ancestors.

Have you ever been forced to retract a Heter?

Never! Our Heters come with a lifetime warranty. If someone finds a hole in one, we simply deny, deny, deny.

What about the Daas Torah blog? How do you answer up commenters like Kishkeyum and Ehud?

Listen, Mister! We don't use language like that around here. Truth, wit, and logic have no place in formulating a Heter Inc. Heter. Watch your tongue!

One last question. What advice do you have for a budding Heter Macher?

Leave aside the books and Shimush of True Wise Ones. Bench warming, obsequiousness, and unquestioning obedience is your shot at a spot on the dais at the Convention. And once you are at the top, you too will be able to do whatever you want without regard to anyone.

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