Estrangement

 https://mishpacha.com/estrangement/

Psychotherapy & Popular Media

These channels have spread the idea that estrangement can and should be used to end “toxic” relationships. They have taught that children “should have been” overtly loved, understood, validated, encouraged, supported, and otherwise embraced by their parents. Parents “should have” provided the model and security of a conflict-free and warm marriage, and both parents should have exuded a serene and positive attitude.

The modern thinking is that children who were exposed to less healthy models were as abused as those who were routinely yelled at, harshly punished, or hit.

This childhood abuse is seen as largely responsible for the adult child’s current states of anxiety, depression, illness, and relationship problems. Cultural wisdom suggests that the harm perpetrated by an imperfect home and imperfect parents is so intolerable that distancing oneself from it is an understandable and reasonable response and many individuals have chosen estrangement as a coping tool.

The cultural message that “you only live once” and the purpose of life is to enjoy it, prioritizes taking care of one’s own needs above all else. Concepts such as self-sacrifice, responsibility, duty, and obligation find themselves on the blacklist, along with martyrdom. Rather than being considered noble, elevating, and meaningful, all forms of self-negation are considered to be self-destructive. When relatives like siblings and parents lower one’s mood through inconsiderate, hurtful, or otherwise unpleasant behavior, it’s considered prudent to step aside.

While estrangement is appropriate when parents present a true threat to their kids, it must be reserved for the most serious of impending dangers. Cutting one’s parents out of one’s life when not absolutely necessary is harmful to oneself, compromising one’s own compassionate and humane nature, and robbing oneself of the opportunity to perform the mitzvah of honoring parents.