Reality Check: A frum Jew is supposed to be a nice person

In the course of researching the issue of emotionally abusing others in the course of chastising sinners or chinuch of our children, it has become clear that we have lost sight of the forest because of the trees.

 In the concern for the dangers and challenges of our time i.e., divorce, shidduchim, pedophiles, Internet, off the derech children, drafting of yeshiva bochrim, an Israeli society which is fed up with the Chareidim etc etc - one point is missing from the discussion. In focusing on avoiding problems  - we curiously have lost sight of the obvious truth  that the goal of life is not about surviving challenges to the status quo. It is not about fighting for preserving a way of life that is about 50 years old. It is not about getting a child to be a caricature in an Artscroll biography.

The primarily accomplishment the Torah demands of us during our lifetimes is not the fact that we ban the internet, smartphones, newspapers, concerts, books, mixed seating on buses, immodest clothing or speaking with apikorsim. Kiddush HaShem is not primarily about learning Daf Yomi or attending mass rallies in sports stadium regading banning the Internet or joining a secular Israeli government while wearing a kippah.

We need to be asking outselves what we want to accomplish - as Jews. What type of people we should be and what we want our educational and social institutions to help our children develop into.  We need to be asking ourself - what does G-d demand of our existence?

The answer which Chazal  have given to this question - is somehow ignored. They say it is to be perceived as a nice person by all men - including the irreligious and non-Jews.  This idea of being a light to the nations seems to have been forgotten in our rush to establish ghettos to protect us from "them". The reflex explanation that predictably is offered when we are criticized - that it is the result anti-religious or anti-Charedi bias - is simply embarrassing in its stupidity and moral blindness. 

Let me offer a few citations to reinforce my point.

Berachos (17a): Abaye liked to say, A man should always be intelligent in his fear of Heaven as it says in Mishlei (15:1), A soft answer turns away wrath. He should always try to increase peace with his brothers and his relatives and with all man – even with the non‑Jew in the street. That is so he may be be beloved above and well liked below and be acceptable to all men. They say about Rav Yochanon ben Zakkai that no man ever gave him a greeting first – not even a non‑Jew in the market.

Avos (3:10): HE [ALSO] USED TO SAY: ANYONE FROM WHOM THE SPIRIT OF [HIS FELLOW-] CREATURES DERIVES SATISFACTION, FROM HIM THE SPIRIT OF THE ALL-PRESENT [TOO] DERIVES SATISFACTION.64 BUT ANYONE FROM WHOM THE SPIRIT OF [HIS FELLOW-] CREATURES DERIVES NO SATISFACTION, FROM HIM THE SPIRIT OF THE ALL-PRESENT [TOO] DERIVES NO SATISFACTION. 

Avos (6:1): Rabbi Meir said, Whoever involves himself in Torah study purely for its own sake, merits many things. This includes the fact that the entire world’s existence is worth while just for his sake. He is called companion of G‑d, beloved of G‑d, lover of G‑d, one who loves mankind, one who causes G‑d to rejoice, one who causes mankind to rejoice. Torah clothes him with humility and fear of G‑d. Torah prepares him to be able to be righteous, pious, upright and faithful. Torah keeps him far from sin and brings him to meritorious behavior. People benefit from his advice, solid understanding and strength... Torah gives him rule and dominion over others as well as the ability to investigate the appropriate law and reveals to him the secrets of Torah. His energy is like a spring that is constantly renewed and like a river that never dries up. As a result of his Torah studies he becomes modest, long-suffering and forgiving of those who insult him. His Torah study brings out his greatness and elevates him above all the other works of G‑d.

Avos (1:12): Hillel said, Be one of the students of Aaron and therefore love peace and pursue peace, love mankind and bring them close to Torah.

Vayikra Rabba (1:16): A rotting animal carcass is better then a talmid chachom lacking in da'as i.e., commonsense and social sensitivity. 

Yofe To'ar (Vayikra Rabbah 1:16): The term da'as is referring to social sensitivity. Therefore the medrash tells us that a disgusting  carcass is better them someone lacking social skills who is despised and rejected by other people. In addition such a talmid chachom degrades the Torah. While the stench of a rotting animal can be avoided by not coming near it, a person without social sensitivities goes everywhere even though he is not wanted Consequently it is impossible to escape from him and he is an unpleasant burden….

Matnas Kehuna(Vayikra Rabbah 1:16): Since this talmid chachom is lacking commonsense he contradicts and demeans G-d's Torah which is the foundation of the highest level of humanity can reach. Without Torah a person remains merely physical substance…He is worse than a dead animal…An alternative reading is found in Avos D'Rabbi Nossan where it says that a talmid chachom who has a high opinion of himself because of his Torah is like a dead animal lying on the roadside. Everyone passing by holds his nose and keeps his distance because of the stench.

Rav Chaim Vital (Sha'arei Kedusha fourth section): [explains how to attain prophesy]. The first requirement is to be a good person. He relates the following story, There was a man who was constantly fasting and also did many good deeds such as arranging for the weddings of many orphans. However he had a yearning for status and importance.  He went to a group of pious men who had reached the level of prophecy and said to their leader, "My master please show me favor by explaining why despite my many good deeds I have not attained prophecy as you have?" The leader replied, "Take a bag full of nuts and figs and hang it around your neck. Go to the main street of the city and gather a group of youths in the presence of the most distinguished citizens. You should say to the youths, 'Whoever wants to get the figs and nuts should come and slap me on the neck and face.' After you have done this many times you should return to me and I'll guide you to attaining Truth." The man replied, "How can such an important and distinguished person such as myself do such a thing?"  The leader replied, "You think I am asking such a big thing? This is the easiest path if you want to be able to comprehend the light of Truth." Immediately the man left feeling totally dejected.

Michtav M'Eliyahu(vol 3 page 291): Rav Chaim Vital said, "Torah without being a good person is comparable to a pig wearing a gold ring in its nose". Rav Simcha Zissel raises the question that since the Gra said that Torah is a cure for a bad personality so how could there a talmid chachom who is not a good person? Rav Simcha Zissel answers that only a person who learns Torah from a pure love of Torah has his personality perfected by Torah study.

Rambam(Hilchos De’os 5:7): A talmid chachom should not yell and scream like an animal when he is speaking. He should not even raise his voice more than necessary but rather should speak calmly with all people. But when he is speaking calmly he should not go to the extreme that he appears to be a conceited person. Furthermore he should greet everyone first so that people like him. He should give everyone the benefit of the doubt and praise others and not despise them at all. He should love peace and actively purse it. If he thinks that his comments will be  effective then he should speak but otherwise he remains silent. For example he should not try to placate a person when he is angry and won’t listen to him. He should not suggest that a person retract his oath when he makes it but should wait until the person has calmed down and will listen to reason. He should not try comforting a mourner while the dead is lying before him because he is too upset until the deceased is buried. He should not add or subtract from that which brings about peace or similar positive things. The general rule is that a person should only speak words of wisdom or kindness or similar things. In addition he should not speak with a woman in the market – even if it is his own wife or sister or daughter.