Abuse book - "A survivor's story" [excerpt]

After much thinking I decided to write my story. After reading it, some may call it dramatic; professionals will call it traumatic but to me and others who have gone through this road will say its pure horror. I am sharing it with the world, so others may learn something and I hope it will prevent others from this horror.

I am writing this with a tremendous amount of pain. Not an hour went by in the last 20 years that I wasn’t thinking about my sexual abuse. I live a life of pain, shame, humiliation and above all a tremendous amount of guilt. I feel guilty that I caused my father and siblings so much pain while never telling them what’s going on so they can act on it and stop it. I feel very guilty that I got married to the most beautiful woman and not telling her at the time that I was abused. She is holding me strong while she is suffering a great deal. Worst of all I can never forgive myself for not running to the police. I had the power to stop my abuse. How can I ever face the other victims who were so viciously violated by my abuser? If I would only be given the right guidance by the rebbe that I told of the abuse or by the other rabbyim he told it thereafter he would have been stopped. I can forgive them for not knowing what to do. I will never forgive them for not listening. I will never forgive them for not wanting to know. I will never forgive them for not asking more questions. I understand that you don’t have to believe right away an accusation but how am I allowed to forgive him for calling me a liar and not investigating after I was sexually abused in the most horrific way possible, after I was beaten and threatened with my life all while I didn’t have a mother to cry to. I am going to sleep every single night thinking of the victims I could have prevented. I have nightmares that they will never forgive me for what I have not done to save them. So I am writing my story and hopefully it will ease a little bit of my pain hoping it will save at least one child in the future.

Here is my story:
.
My name is Pinny. I grew up in a very chasidish family in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY. I was the sixth of nine children. I was always considered the happiest of the bunch, always joked around and friends with everyone. My mother always showered us with love. She was soft spoken; she was everything you can wish from a mom. My father loved us just as much, but he was very chasidish, frum and strict.

When I was 10 years old my mother fell ill to colon cancer. While she was fighting her life battle, she was always strong and taught us to be strong, never to give up. She was fighting her cancer until a month and a half before my Bar Mitzvah, when she passed away. My bar mitzvah of course was very different then others but it were the happiest day for me.

After the bar mitzvah I continued learning in the same yeshiva in Williamsburg since nursery until the age of 14, Pasach 1989. On the advice from a few good men helping our family, I was sent to Israel to yeshiva. They decided that since we have a large family and no mother it will be easier for my father and me if I am abroad in a structured environment. I was very excided going to Israel to yeshiva but after a month or so I felt very homesick. My mother passed away a year ago and here I am away from my family. I insisted on coming back home for the next zman. For the following winter zman I was placed in a yeshiva in Boro Park. It was a pretty average chasidish yeshiva. I adjusted well and made friends right away. As a matter of fact I quickly became one of the more popular kids.[rest to be published in Abuse Book]

Arab students harass Israeli Ambassador

Mrs Yitta Schwartz a.h. - had 2000 descendants

NYTimes

WHEN Yitta Schwartz died last month at 93, she left behind 15 children, more than 200 grandchildren and so many great- and great-great-grandchildren that, by her family’s count, she could claim perhaps 2,000 living descendants.

Mrs. Schwartz was a member of the Satmar Hasidic sect, whose couples have nine children on average and whose ranks of descendants can multiply exponentially. But even among Satmars, the size of Mrs. Schwartz’s family is astonishing. A round-faced woman with a high-voltage smile, she may have generated one of the largest clans of any survivor of the Holocaust — a thumb in the eye of the Nazis.

Abuse book - American Legal System - Shlomo Singer assist D.A.

This article will be divided into several parts. The first section will discuss my background in dealing with sexually violent predators (SVPs) and what I have learned from working within New Jersery’s SVP scheme. The second section will delineate some of the specific factors within the frum community which must change in order to address the current situation. Last, I will provide some basic advice for people dealing with sexual predators. After graduating from law school, I served as the law clerk to the Honorable Philip Freedman and Serena Perretti. Judges Freedman and Perretti were Superior Court judges in New Jersey; however unlike other judges they were the only judges in the state to hear cases under New Jersey’s Sexually Violent Predator Act

By way of a brief background the SVPA was enacted for the purpose of civilly committing offenders who had completed their prison terms but were still deemed to pose a significant risk of reoffending. While New Jersey has a prison specifically set up for sexual offenders, it has been proven that incarceration alone will not “cure” SVPs. Therefore, prior to an offender’s release from prison, the State has the right to petition for commitment under the SVPA. Respondents are entitled to an initial hearing, and, if committed, yearly hearings to determine whether they are still SVPs. While conducting these hearings, the State normally provides testimony of both a psychologist and a forensic psychiatrist to assist the judge in formulating his or her opinion. The doctors’ opinions are formulated based on the offender’s convictions, unreported deviant activity, and participation in therapy. The standard that must be met is that the committee must have a “mental condition that affects [his] emotional, cognitive or volitional capacity in a manner that predisposes [him] to commit acts of sexual violence.” The New Jersey Supreme Court has ruled that “A finding of a total lack of control is not necessary. Instead, a showing of an impaired ability to control sexually dangerous behavior will suffice….”

While I do not have statistics, it is fair to state that the State has rarely, if ever, been unsuccessful on its initial petition to have an offender committed as an SVP. This is so because the Attorney General, who prosecutes these cases for the State, controlled which cases it prosecuted. It was evident that few SVPs were ever released from their civil commitment. Moreover, those who were released were subject to community supervision for life. One of the major reasons why committees were not released was because of their unsatisfactory participation in treatment. Another issue that was routinely brought to light was committees minimizing their deviance. Observationally, it seemed somewhat oxymoronic to criticize people with diagnosed mental abnormalities for not properly participating in treatment.

Aside from the SVPA scheme, New Jersey’s Megan’s Law mandates different levels (referred to as tiering in the legal field) of registration and limitations for people convicted of sex offenses. Failure to register as required constitutes a third degree crime. Megan’s Law also requires notification of neighbors in certain instances. It is unclear what percentage of persons charged with Megan’s Law crimes plead guilty to crimes that do not require registration. Nonetheless, prosecutors who specialize in this field are usually weary of amending a charge which would require registration without the presence of extraordinary circumstances.

Based on the hundreds of hours of testimony that I witnessed, some of my personal observations from my clerkship are as follows: [...]

R' Balkany arrested for extortion

Courthousenews

NYTimes

Rabbi Milton Balkany, the director of a Brooklyn Jewish day school, was on the phone last month with a proposition for a man he had never met, the president of a giant Connecticut hedge fund, SAC Capital Advisors, The New York Times’s Alan Feuer reports.

The matter required tact. The rabbi, who often counsels Jewish inmates, had recently met a prisoner at the Otisville Federal Correctional Institution, a prison in Orange County, N.Y., who had told him that the hedge fund had been trading on illegal information. Rabbi Balkany was calling now, the government contends, to make a deal: $4 million for two religious schools in Brooklyn — one of them his own — in exchange for the prisoner’s silence. [...]

Rav Sternbuch: Life in Prison

High price of religious defection

Spiegel

The community of ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel is half a million strong and growing. They live in a parallel universe cut off from the modern world in tight-knit communities where everything revolves around religion. Only a few dare to abandon this life -- and the price for doing so is high.

When she left, she left everything behind -- even her name. She no longer wanted to be known as Sarah, the name her parents had given her. She'd felt imprisoned by that name for too long; it made her feel different and subject to laws that others imposed upon her. So, she started her new life with a new name, Mayan, the Hebrew word for "source."[...]

For the times they are a-changin'

Title from Bob Dylan

In the last two days I had conversations with two people who approached me to thank me for my blog and what I am trying to do as well as how I do it. While it was nice to be complemented - neither of them are people who I would have imagined  read my blog. I never would have guessed that they shared my concerns and understanding of what is going on now in the Jewish community.

Both acknowledged that they sense a loss of direction - or even the perception that someone is in charge. That we live in very troubled times and that the scandals are not just accidents but are reflective of a deeper malaise. We need to do something different. Orthodoxy can't continue with patching up the old system - a new direction is needed.

One of them is a gevir who told me that he normally gives money to Toldos Aaron - even though he is Modern Orthodox -  because they have many hungry families who genuinely need assistance. However because of the riots he told the Rebbe that he was canceling his support. He didn't accept the excuse that these were hooligans. He told the Rebbe it was his responsiblity to deal with the hooligans. This is the second gevir I have heard this from.

He also said that while he feels it is important to give tzedaka - but he no longer gives simply because the organization is associated with gedolim or is a major organization. He said that he now uses his tzedaka money to maximize the impact on society. If there are two ways to deal with off the derech kids - he picks the one that is most  efficient and cost effective. He also supports issues that strengthen the society -  not just because someone has a need.

This is probably the most important issue. All major institutions need money. In the past the donors were flattered and given kavod - but they were told that the gedolim would decide what programs were needed and where the money was spent. There is a growing revolt against this with the donors dictating what needs to be done and simply not funding programs that are bloated and unproductive. Funding goes to innovative programs which they see are producing results.

I have been told that despite the failure of the gedolim to condemn tropper  - those organizations that were associated with him have been suffering a large drop in funding. Tropper corrupted through money - the antidote seems to be that the donors have to show the way out of this mess by redirecting and rewarding healthy projects.

Avoiding police in abuse cases: Takana vs R Elon:

JPost

Rabbi Mordechai Elon had sexual relations with male students in the past, a rabbinical forum that works to prevent sexual abuse in the national-religious sector said in a statement on Wednesday

The Takana forum held an emergency meeting Tuesday night to discuss the allegations facing Elon, following an announcement they posted Monday demanding Elon step down from all rabbinical, teaching and community responsibilities, warning he is a threat to the public.

Elon admitted to the acts during the emergency meeting, Rabbi Yuval Cherlow, a member of Takana told Army Radio Wednesday, adding that the rabbi's confession is documented in the forum's protocol.[...]

Abuse Book: Rav Meir Triebitz - Two concepts of yashrus

Instinctual versus acquired ethical knowledge and the irreducible rights and respect for the individual in society: two concepts of “yashrus”  by Rabbi Meir Triebitz

This book is an extensive collection of sources covering all aspects of child abuse as it affects the traditional Jewish community. They range from medical and psychological issues to halachic and theological ones. It presents us with an impressive, almost overwhelming array of facts which open up an entire world which heretofore has remained hidden and obscured to most except to those individuals who have unfortunately been forced to confront its horrible realities.

However the real story told by this book lies behinds its many facts. It is the story of a community which is more and more being forced to confront its very own ethical reality. The ever increasing   revelations of ethical and moral degeneracy seem to have brought about more confusion then resolve. This confusion is furthermore compounded when theological-legal arguments and excuses run contrary to commonsense logic and ethics. More and more people are increasingly feeling the tension of choosing between what they are told is right and what they instinctively believe to be true, or by being forced to choose between the prestige of institutions and the most basic respect for the individual.

The legitimacy of ethical commonsense and the irreducible respect for the rights of the individual is not an import from secular culture but is, in fact, a Torah concept itself whose origin is in Scripture and whose implications and consequences abound not only in the areas of Aggadata but also, if not primarily, in the realm of Halakha. It is to be found in Chazal, the classical commentaries, and in the Shulchan Aruch, the Jewish code of law. The common name given to both of the above concepts is yashrus. The very fact that two seemingly unrelated concepts are referred to by the same name is a clear indication of a deep relationship between the two which we will explore later. For the moment we will first introduce them. The first appears in a verse in Deuteronomy and is discussed in the Sifre. [...]

Bnei Brak is the capital of pedophiles: Refusing to report abuse

English version of article http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3850261,00.html

YNET

קדמן: "בני ברק מכונה בירת הפדופילים"

פרשת ההטרדות המיניות שיוחסו לרב מוטי אלון, מציפה מחדש את הקושי בדיווח על התעללות בקטינים בחברות סגורות. הבוקר פנו לקו הסיוע עשרות גברים נפגעי תקיפה מינית

חשיפת פרשיית המין בה היה מעורב לכאורה הרב מוטי אלון והטענות ל"השתקה" מצד גורמים שונים בחברה הדתית, מציפה מחדש את בעיית היעדר הדיווח על התעללות בילדים בחברות סגורות. "בני ברק זכתה לכינוי 'בירת הפדופילים של ישראל' כי אנשים יודעים שאין שם דיווח", אומרים במועצה לשלום הילד. מנגד טוענים בממסד הדתי כי החומות "דווקא מתחילות ליפול", ומגלגלים את האחריות לרשויות.

בכנס של המועצה לשלום הילד, שנערך אתמול (ב') באוניברסיטת בן-גוריון בבאר-שבע, נחשפו נתונים מדאיגים ולפיהם ממוצע הדיווחים על התעללות בילדים ביישובים חרדים ודתיים נמוך מאוד לעומת הממוצע הארצי. בעוד הממוצע הארצי עומד על 1.8% מקרי התעללות בקרב כלל הילדים, והממוצע ביישובים היהודים עומד על 2.1% - הממוצע ביישובים החרדים והדתיים הוא 0.8% בלבד.

Tropper concedes defeat to Monsey Rabbis

Five Towns Jewish Times

For many Orthodox Jews, it has been a very trying two months.

The confluence of the threefold factors of the shock at the appalling scandal, the silence of those who should not have been silent, and the idea of the acceptance of such lewd behavior by leading Rabbonim was too much for many to stomach.  Thankfully, the issues have been put to rest this past Sunday evening, with the signing of a notarized contract by Leib Tropper.

The results were not, by any means, a foregone conclusion.  The progression of events went as follows:

Last Tuesday afternoon, leading Rabbinic figures in Monsey met.   That meeting was put together by Rabbi Dovid Ribiat and was chaired by one of the most senior Roshei Yeshiva in Monsey,  HaGaon HaRav Moshe Green Shlita, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva D’Monsey. [...]
 ============================================

This is a link to the actual documents tropper signed

Tropper scandal - edited video

This is the link to a purported video of tropper. It has been edited for issues of modesty. It is only for those who still think that the audio recordings were forged and need additional proof. For those who are convinced already - there is no reason to watch it.

I have been requested to remove the link.

It can readily be found by search Youtube

Can a giyores marry a cohen?

Dear Rabbi Eidensohn,

I am writing to seek your advise and your opinion on a situation I find myself in. I am a frum 36 years old woman living in New York. I came here to learn in a seminary and to find a shidduch. I have been looking for three and a half years, the process has been very very very hard and telling on me emotionally. I was very reluctant to go on line but did at the advise of an esteemed and respected rabbi in my community. There I met a very nice man that I am interested in marrying. The problem is that he is a Cohen and I am a convert. I know that this a forbidden marriage but have also learned that if the marriage were to take place it would be valid and the children would be legitimate. I understand as a religious and learned Jew that this in contrary to Torah but our situation is not an easy one.

On his part, he is over 40 and never married and is on the brink of marrying outside, chas v'shalom, since it is very hard for him to find a woman that is halachically permitted to him. Most of the woman offered to him given his age are divorced or not religious that have been with non-Jews. He comes from a traditional family and wants only to marry a religious woman.

On my part, I feel that I can no longer go through countless dates that amount to nothing. If I am contemplating such a thing it is because I look back at the quality of men that has been available to me and it is very hard to say no to this very nice man. Because of my age I get offered divorced men with issues and many children and little money. I have also had to deal with so many men that really really are not serious about marriage even though they go out on shidduchim. Many of the men I have met have seriousmental problems and some have been just very very simple and its hard for me to relate. This past summer I had such a crisis in shidduchim that I felt that I would just drop it all. I have lived a strict haredi life for almost six years now, have davenedand done all the right things but I feel I cannot take this anymore, Iwill be 37 this summer and my fertility is decreasing everyday now.

I want to ask you if it is at all possible to get a heter for such a marriage being that both our situations are very hard.