Column: Welcome to Donald Trump’s Big Dumb Fourth of July Festival of Narcissism! A real show of farce.

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For the first time in our nation’s history, we have a president (Donald J. Trump) who is recognizing the Fourth of July and the important role it plays in American history, as well as the important role he (President Donald J. Trump) has played in finally getting Americans to celebrate the Fourth of July, a holiday never celebrated under previous presidents.

We’re so glad you decided to join us (and patriotically donate to President Donald J. Trump’s reelection campaign) and we’re VERY EXCITED to share with you all the America-loving fun you’re about to experience thanks to our great and benevolent president. (Shout his name! And buy something with his name on it from one of the President Donald J. Trump merchandise kiosks located throughout the National Mall.)

This day will be a celebration of all the things America holds dear: the honoring of one man above all others; the flaunting of giant machines of war; and soldiers marching in unison before a political leader who personally involved himself in every detail of a celebration for which he is the keynote speaker.

While media outlets like The Washington Post are reporting that the National Park Service “is diverting nearly $2.5 million in entrance and recreation fees primarily intended to improve parks across the country to cover costs associated with President Trump’s Independence Day celebration” and the event will also “likely cost taxpayers millions of dollars," we want to assure you that we will, as the Founders intended, patriotically call that Fake News without providing any evidence that’s true.

The last thing you should be worrying about while you’re in Washington, D.C., for the FOURTH OF JULY EVENT OF A LIFETIME (brought to you by President Donald J. Trump) is what it might be costing or whether bridges at your local parks might collapse. Lighten up! Worrying is for liberals!

The best way you can honor American greatness is to enjoy all this event has to offer, which includes:

— A first-ever Fourth of July fireworks display. The president himself had the idea to develop these decorative sky explosions that he dubbed “fireworks.” The night will conclude with a massive fireworks show, with Donald Trump Jr. lighting all the fuses himself!

— Jumbo high-definition television screens will be located throughout the Salute to America event grounds showing streaming video of DANGEROUS illegal immigrants being patriotically deprived of basic human rights in camps along the country’s southern border.

— A Virtual Reality Outrage Booster tent will allow visitors to put on VR headsets and watch as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton do some of the same things President Trump has done. Your blood will boil as you watch Obama making money off foreign diplomats staying at a Washington, D.C., hotel he owns. And you’ll be filled with anger as you see Clinton letting her daughter, Chelsea, act as a representative of the U.S. government at high-profile meetings with world leaders! Can you imagine anyone besides President Trump doing that?!? The fury will engulf you for days!

— The Indoor Skydiving Trump Donation Experience uses a giant wind turbine to simulate skydiving while also sucking all the money out of your pockets and shooting it into a life-sized replica of President Trump’s pockets. You’ll have no idea you’re being taken for a ride!