Monday, September 2, 2024

The Steipler: The correct understanding of the mitzva to love one's wife Igros Kodesh #1

Noticed that this post has gotten a lot of attention. It is found with many other authentic sources in my book on Marriage which is available from Amazon (See sidebar)

Igros Kodesh (#1)
: 1) While it is true that asceticism in dealing with the lusts of this world is an important thing [assuming that it is done for the sake of heaven to give pleasure to G-d and not just to be more developed in spirituality] but that is only if it is done after he has already fulfilled is Torah obligations. However if by being ascetic he nullifies the slightest of his Torah obligations then his deeds are credited to the Sitra Acher [evil] - G-d forbid and he doesn’t advance in true spirituality. So even though he views himself as becoming a more elevated being by his asceticism he in fact is burying himself in the grave of pride by considering himself a very spiritual person when in fact his spirituality is seriously defective. And this frequently manifests itself as degradation in that it leads him to committing an actual Torah prohibition and he is not able to restrain himself at all as we know from a actual case where this happened – G-d should preserve us!

Conjugal rights of the wife is a Torah commandment just as serious as eating matzo. And even ignoring it when she is pregnant [when the wife has not truly excused him wholeheartedly from his obligations] makes into a complete sinner. And sins like this which are between two people are not atoned for even by Yom Kippur. He is like a robber or mugger who steals from his wife what is owed to her. This is comparable to killing his wife since it is known that the prime hope of a woman in this world is that she have a husband who loves her. Therefore when she see that he doesn’t love her, it is almost life threatening (pikuach nefesh) because of the great upset and anguish he causes her by making her like a widow while her husband is still alive.

The conjugal obligations of workers is twice a week, for a talmid chachom it is once a week. The Achronim write that in modern times we do not have people who are called talmidei chachomim according to Chazal [that is because in modern times we are not properly careful about not nullifying ourselves from Torah study and there are other reasons], nevertheless the reason why a talmid chachom only has an obligation once a week is because the Torah weakens his physical strength. That reason would therefore apply also a talmid chachom in modern times. However a talmid chachom who knows that he has the strength retains the obligation of having intercourse twice a week. This is how it is explained in the Biur Halacha (O.C. 240). This was the practice of the Chasam Sofer as is known – see the Mishna Berura there. It is also the practise of most talmidei chachomim in modern times ]before they reach old age ] It is obvious that she married with the understanding that her husband would follow the accepted practise. And furthermore the husband is obligated by the kesuba to conduct himself according to normative practise [for those similar to himself]. It is obvious that if he wants to exempt himself by have intercourse only once a week and not twice that this is close to creating a situation of a genuine uncertainty regarding a Torah obligation. Aside from that there is a separate obligation for the husband when he is aware that she desires to have relations – even if she indicates this by very slight hints as is explained in Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 240:1 which is from Pesachim 72 and in a number of other places.

2) The details of sexual intercourse of the mitzva of conjugal obligations are explained in the Siddur of Rav Yaakov Emden in the section of the laws of Shabbos night. It should be studied carefully because these are actual halachic obligations. Because according to the Torah it is prohibited to have intercourse in circumstances where the woman is not interested and therefore it is necessary to get her interested with intimate activities such as hugging and kissing until she is sexual aroused and desires intercourse. Because if this is not done first – it is like placing her before a lion who mauls and eats as is explained in Pesachim (49). [It is a terrible sin to deprive her of her sexual rights even if he is doing it for the sake of piety and asceticism. Taking what belongs to his wife can not be the basis of piety by theft and treating her as a slave]. Furthermore to have sexual intercourse against her will results in having children who are sinners and rejecters of Torah – they are call bnei anusa (children of rape).

A husband who grabs and has intercourse immediately without preliminary intimacy and then separates immediate after ejaculation and leaves her, might think that he is acting like a highly spiritual angel. But in actual truth he has not lowered his lust at all even though he definitely has placated his desires for the time being sine he has in fact obtained full pleasure from this intercourse. In contrast his wife felt no pleasures at all from this abrupt sexual act. In fact she has been hurt and shamed and the tears she sheds in private will not go unanswered. That is because our Sages(Bava Metzia) tell us that the Gate of Tears has not been closed. They say that a man should be very careful with his wife honor because she readily cries. There is no question that such a brutal act arouses Divine judgment against him. Furthermore he does not merit to have Divine help either in spiritual or material issues. And this that he mistakenly thinks he becomes a highly spiritual person by trying to be insensitive to his wife in sexual matters – this is a worthless fantasy and a lie. That is because from sins and transgression, one becomes blemished and spiritually impure – not elevated.

And this is stated in Shulchan Aruch (240:8) that it is done only after his wife is placated and is interested in doing it. Because otherwise it is prohibited to have intercourse without her consent as is explicit there in the Shulchan Aruch (240:3) and as is explained in the Siddur of Rav Yaakov Emden and this is actual Torah halacha. [In particular what is written in Shulchan Aruch (68). We see in Orchos Chaim in the name of Neziros Shimshon who writes that according to the Zohar and the writings of the Arizal – the halacha is in accord with the first explanation [that one should not have intent for the sake of pleasure but only for the sake of doing a mitzva]. However according to the second and third explanations [that they should be dressed during intercourse and that it should be done quickly] the opposite is true and there is a prohibition in doing this according to kabbalah. Nevertheless even according to the view of the Shulchan Aruch this is only if done with the full agreement of the wife. And thus is my understanding.

3) One who is intimate with his wife with hugging and other things for the sake of Heaven because he wants to have mercy on her that she shouldn’t be pained and feel abandoned – this will not cause the slightest weakening of his fear of Heaven or succumbing to lust. The opposite is true – it will bring him to holiness (kedusha) and he will be fulfilling the Torah command of imitating G-d. Just as He is merciful so to you should be merciful. Besides that hugging and kissing or any other act of intimacy is an inherent part of the mitzva of onah (conjugal duties) as is explained by the poskim regarding Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 184:10) concerning the obligation when a man goes on a trip just before the time for his wife’s menstrual period. 

4) While it is true that many talmidei chachomm conduct themselves in an ascetic manner in a number of intimate things – but that is only with the complete agreement of his wife and with her forgiveness with a full heart. And this agreement comes in most cases after it is explained to her that in truth her husband loves her and it is only for the sake of heaven that he is restraining himself. Or alternatively she married someone who is known as a tzadik whose reputation compensates for her loss of intimacy with him. But G-d forbid that the husband should conduct himself as an ascetic when it causes pain to his wife who is dependent upon him and does not forgive him whole heartedly concerning that which he is obligated to do for her.

5) Our Sages (Yevamos 62b) say, One who loves his wife as himself and honors her more than himself…is described by the verse "You should know that you will have peace with your wife…." It is important to note that our Sages are not saying to love one's wife with the natural love that man is attracted to a woman but rather to love her with the love that friends have for each other - as someone he knows and has a covenant with him and that they are partners in many things and each one helps and receives help from the other. In addition the love he feels for her should also come from gratitude. He needs to have the clear image in his mind that if he had not gotten a wife and would have remained alone and isolated - how much suffering and pain he would have from this. But now that he has a wife his life is in place and functioning. The significance of gratitude is immeasurably important. In fact our Sages state in the Mishna Rabbi Eliezer (Chapter 7) that all those who lack gratitude to their fellow men will eventually lack gratitude towards G-d. If you look there you will see how extremely stringent they are in this matter. This type of love is what our Sages say a man is obligated to have towards his wife. And again this love does not come from the lust a man has for a woman at all but from one of the good attributes which he is obligated to have. He needs to have this type of love and feeling towards her when he strives to cause her rejoicing at the time of intercourse and well as before and afterwards. Such a relationship is not disgusting – chas v'shalom – but rather it is a mitzva. In fact he should conduct himself in this manner even if he were not obligated by the Torah and surely now that the Torah does obligated it - as we mentioned before.

Poverty Always?

 Sifrei (Devarim 118) "for a poor man will not cease from the midst of the land": And elsewhere it is written "But, there shall not be in you a poor man." How are these two verses to be reconciled? When you do the will of the L-rd, the poor will be in the gentiles; but when you do not do the will of the L-rd, the poor will be in you. "Therefore, I command you, saying": I give you goodly counsel, for your benefit: "Open shall you open your hand...give shall you give." "to your brother, your poor one, and your pauper in your land…

Autopsy finds 6 hostages were shot multiple times at close range in last 48-72 hours

 https://www.timesofisrael.com/autopsy-finds-6-hostages-shot-multiple-times-at-close-range-in-last-48-72-hours/

Findings indicate captives were executed by Hamas guards as IDF troops closed in on Rafah tunnel complex; IDF chief visits site where bodies were found

Sunday, September 1, 2024

Bodies of 6 hostages, murdered by Hamas just days ago, found in Rafah – IDF

 https://www.timesofisrael.com/bodies-of-6-hostages-murdered-by-hamas-just-days-earlier-found-in-rafah-idf/

US President Joe Biden said he was “devastated and outraged” by the deaths of the hostages, in particular that of dual Israeli-US citizen Goldberg-Polin, whose parents, Jon and Rachel, he and other Americans had kept in their prayers.

“I have worked tirelessly to bring their beloved Hersh safely to them and am heartbroken by the news of his death,” Biden said.

“It is as tragic as it is reprehensible. Make no mistake, Hamas leaders will pay for these crimes. And we will keep working around the clock for a deal to secure the release of the remaining hostages,” he said.

Failed Pastry Chef Mrs. Eric Trump Calls Harris Unqualified

 https://www.thedailybeast.com/failed-pastry-chef-mrs-eric-trump-aka-lara-trump-calls-kamala-harris-unqualified?ref=home

I was talking about you, silly! While you lost your Woman Card, you still have your Trump card. That’s how you earned your leadership position—by marrying Eric back in 2014. You are clearly lacking in qualifications to be co-chair—these aren’t my words, they’re the words of West Virginia GOP committeewoman Beth Bloch, who nominated you and, according to the Washington Post “warned her fellow RNC members against overvaluing titles and experience. ‘God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called… Lara Trump is the embodiment of this truth.’”

IDF retrieves six bodies of Gaza hostages from Rafah

 https://www.jpost.com/israel-hamas-war/article-817184

The hostages were likely killed after Kaid Farhan al-Alkadi was found last week.

Bodies of Eden Yerushalmi, Hersh Goldberg-Polin and Ori Danino retrieved from Gaza

https://www.israelnationalnews.com/news/395470

Families of hostages Hersh Goldberg-Polin, Eden Yerushalmi and Ori Danino announce that they have died.

Saturday, August 31, 2024

Why Trump’s Arlington Debacle Is So Serious

 https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/08/trump-arlington-cemetery/679659/

Trump was unsurprisingly not telling the truth; 11 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan in his last year in office, and his administration had itself negotiated the withdrawal. But such fabrications are incidental sins compared with what came next. A top Trump adviser, Chris LaCivita, and campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung talked to reporters and savaged the employee who had tried to stop the entourage. Cheung referred to her as “an unnamed individual, clearly suffering a mental-health episode.” LaCivita declared her a “despicable individual” who ought to be fired.

Stolen Valor

Pro-lifers blast Trump 'betrayal' with shifting abortion stance, answer on Florida Amendment 4

 https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pro-lifers-blast-trump-betrayal-shifting-abortion-stance-answer-florida-amendment-4

Former President Trump's recent comments on abortion, including remarks that sparked some initial confusion about where Trump stood on an amendment that would upend Florida's ban on abortions after six weeks' gestation, have sparked backlash from pro-life advocates on social media.

Trump's latest – and clearest – comments about Florida's Amendment 4, which would enshrine a constitutional right to abortion in the state, may blunt some of the criticism. After Trump made remarks on Thursday that appeared to indicate he might back the amendment, the former president told Fox News Channel's Bryan Llenas on Friday afternoon: "I'll be voting 'no.'"

Still, the comment confusion, coupled with some other recent statements, have rankled the pro-life community.

"Trump has destroyed both the conservative movement and the pro-life movement. He’s done what even Barack Obama couldn’t do," one user on X said.

Friday, August 30, 2024

Israel requires Human Efforts

 Vayikra Rabbah (25:5): The hen, when its chicks are tiny gathers them together under its wings to warm them and get food for them. But when they grow up if one of them wants to get close to her she pecks it on its heads and says: Go dig for food yourself. Thus it was for the Jews forty years in the Desert. The manna fell from Heaven, a well of water followed them, the quail were readily available, the clouds of glory encircled them, and the pillar of cloud led them. However once they entered into Israel, Moshe told them: Let everyone of you take his shovel and go plant trees…

Chasam Sofer (Sukkos 36a): I heard an insight from my teacher the Hafloah concerning the dispute between R’ Shimon bar Yochai and R’ Yishmael (Berachos 35b). R’ Shimon said that a person should only learn Torah and R’ Yishmael  said a person should also work. The gemora concludes that many did like R’ Shimon (and studied Torah full time) but were not successful. He noted that they merely imitated the actions of R’ Shimon but did not in fact do exactly as he did. In fact there is no doubt that a person who is truly motivated for the sake of G d, Who examines all hearts, will definitely be successful. … I, his insignificant student, want to expand his insight. It appears to me that R’ Yishmael did not apply the verse “you should gather your grain” - that one should work - except for those dwelling in Israel when the majority of Jews live there. In such a case farming itself is an expression of the mitzva of settling the land by bringing forth its holy fruit. For example Boaz was involved in winnowing grain because of this mitzva. Thus a person in Israel - who wants to exclusively learn Torah and doesn’t want to farm - is like one who says that he doesn’t want to put on Tefilin because he is studying Torah. It is possible that this is also true concerning all occupations which help develop society - that they are included in the mitzva of settling Israel. In contrast when we are scattered amongst the nations of the world. There to the degree that we develop society, we destroy our service of G d, then R’ Yishmael would agree with R’ Shimon that one should only learn Torah. Thus concerning those living outside of Israel, we rely on the view of R’ Nehorai that he ignored every trade in the world and only taught his son Torah. 

Don’t yawn at Trump’s dishonorable use of Arlington National Cemetery

 https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/08/29/trump-arlington-cemetery/

Also for the record, it was Trump who negotiated the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan and forced the Afghan government to release thousands of jailed Taliban fighters in a prisoner swap. Those decisions helped make possible the Taliban’s swift return to power.

I’m a combat veteran. Here’s why Trump’s Arlington stunt was so insulting

 https://www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/trump-arlington-national-cemetery-grave-photo-rcna168767

Trump was so eager to use Arlington’s Section 60 as a backdrop for a campaign event this week that he may have broken federal laws against politicizing the burial ground to do it. Trump’s staff also shoved aside a cemetery official trying to stop them. He even posed for a photograph over a U.S. Marine’s gravesite, grinning and giving a thumbs-up. The moment was jaw-droppingly crass and vulgar, as all of Trump’s are. It defiled sacred ground.

These are not one-off statements by a rhetorically reckless buffoon. This man harbors deep resentment toward the military and those who’ve sacrificed in service. Even when he poses with a family — as he did at Arlington this week — he only does so to enhance his campaign or his political prospects. Trump’s use for the military and our dead extends only as far as it suits him.

Poor are Source of Torah Scholars

 Nedarim (81a) Be on guard against scabs; take good care to study in company and be heedful not to neglect the children of the poor, for from them Torah goes forth, as it is written, The water shall flow out of his buckets meaning, from the poor amongst them goes forth Torah. And why is it not usual for scholars to give birth to sons who are scholars? — Said R. Joseph, That it might not be maintained, The Torah is their legacy. R. Shisha, the son of R. Idi, said: That they should not be arrogant towards the community. Mar Zutra said: Because they act high-handedly against the community. R. Ashi said: Because they call people asses. Rabina said: Because they do not first utter a blessing over the Torah.