Self Esteem or Self Compassion

Guest post from Allan Katz   Self Esteem or Self Compassion 

It is generally accepted that a negative self esteem and self concept gets in the way of a person dealing with setbacks and failure, but the research shows that also high self esteem does not buy very much and can be very problematic. Despite the  Self Esteem research    the belief in ' self esteem ' is so engrained. Teachers and parents are told to praise and compliment kids and help their   ' self –esteem ' by reflecting on all their positive attributes. So why is ' self esteem ' problematic and what can be done instead to foster success?

The problem with fostering self esteem with praise is not because kids are over –praised or don't deserve praise – it is praise itself. Praise is a way of getting kids to experience success as a reward and esteeming of the self. Instead kids should experience success and failure as information they need to make changes or   become even   more successful. The problem with self esteem is the focus on the 'self'.

The SDT  Self Determination theory talks about 2 types of self esteem. Contingent self esteem is experienced by people who are preoccupied with questions of worth and self esteem and are strongly motivated by the desire to appear worthy to self and others. Their worth is seen as dependent on ' achievement ' and appearing in certain ways. Whether such individuals come away with positive or negative conclusions, the very fact that one's self esteem is in question, suggests a psychological vulnerability. Non- contingent self esteem characterizes people for whom self-esteem is not a concern or issue. Success and failure is experienced as information and does not implicate self –worth, even when they lead to a reevaluation of their actions and efforts. These people experience themselves on a fundamental level as worthy of esteem and love.

The psychologist Eric Fromm talks about 2 types of people -   the ' To have '  people whose self worth and esteem depends on their 'having' .It leads to people being overly attached to possessions, achievements , and relationships. ' To be '  people focus on how they experience the world rather than on having.

'To have'  people view the 'self' as an 'object' which needs to be appraised , judged and evaluated, and the more positive , the better. In contrast SDT and religion see the Self as a process where a person makes meaning of experiences and integrates and assimilates them into his personality.

The research shared by Kelly Mcgonigal describes what helps people to deal with setbacks and change and what gets in the way.The first experiment she shares deals with people who are dieting and are invited to participate in an experiment testing the effects of food on mood. Each person chooses their favorite donut, eats the whole donut and is given a big glass of water which leaves them with a full and uncomfortable feeling. This triggered feeling of guilt amongst the dieters. The question was would the feelings of guilt help dieters resist subsequent temptations?   In order to test this, the dieters were given a ' taste experiment '  - to choose their favorite candy and eat as much as they needed to in order to evaluate the taste of the candy. One of the test groups was exposed to the following message. In a very by the way fashion , they were given a 3 point message -  they were made aware of their guilt feelings of previously indulging in the donuts , they were told that it is human to error , it does not say  that there is something wrong with you , everybody indulgences here and there and thirdly – so don't be hard on yourself. The group that was exposed to the   message calling for self-compassion ate 40% of what the group who were not exposed   to the self- compassion message ate. People who are hard on themselves and have guilt feelings end up despairing, saying I can never change and what the heck and then indulgence even more.

In another study shared by  Heidi Grant Halvorson  participants who failed an initial test were given a chance to improve their scores. One group were encouraged to boost their self –esteem by affirming and validating positive qualities. Another group was encouraged to exercise self –compassion and not to be hard on  themselves. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25% longer and scored higher on a second test, than the participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.

Self compassion is effective because it is non-evaluative. It allows people to look at their mistakes and flaws with kindness and understanding. People then focus on the self as a process and not as an object. You don't judge   yourself harshly nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your positive qualities in order to protect your self-esteem. Setbacks and mistakes are part of being human and essential to the learning process. When the focus is on the process, rather than achievement, the journey rather than the destination you are more likely to be more accurate in assessing your abilities and coming up with a better plan which will help you reach your destination.

People who view the self as an object react by saying ' How could "I"  ( capital I )  do that ?  have feelings of guilt and shame which get in the way, while people who said '  How could I do THAT, did not focus on the self but on their  actions and were successful in changing.

The problem with sin is not the sin itself  but what happens afterwards – not getting up and repenting. The evil inclination encourages guilt feelings as a person feels that this is the beginning of the repentance process. But these feelings end up causing despair and hopelessness which gets in the way of recovery. The verse proverbs 24:15 says that   7 times a saint falls and then he gets up. The failure is not in the falling , but not getting up.

Self compassion leads to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness less anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness and promoting the needs of autonomy, competence and relatedness help people and kids focus on the self as process.

 Mindfulness is an open non-judgmental awareness of what is happening in the present. Self esteeming and the focus on ME are just   mental constructions of the mind. In mindfulness and SDT there is no fixed concept of the self to protect or enhance, all facts are friendly and inform one's experiences and behaviors.

According to SDT, people with low self esteem are lacking in supports for and satisfactions of one or more of the basic needs of autonomy (= self direction not independence), competence and relatedness. They don't feel worthy as they are missing a sense of love, authenticity, or effectiveness. People with high contingent self esteem seek behaviors that support and reassure them that they are worthy in their eyes and others.

The paradox of self esteem of self –esteem ' If you need it , you don't have it and if you have it , you don't need it .

Rav Eliashiv: Reliability of psakim said in his name

Due to the recent discussion regarding the reliability of teshuvos said in Rav Eliashiv's name, I just noticed the following on Seforim Blog

47. ר' דוד אריה מורגנשטרן, פתחי דעת, הלכות נדה, [הלכות נדה לפרטיהן עם מקורות הדינים והכרעות הפוקסקים, ובו נתבררו בהרחבה צדדי המציאות וההלכה בנידונים רבים], 397 עמודים.

"Worth noting is the introduction of this work where the author, Rabbi Morgenstern one of Rav Elyahsiv's main students, talks about being careful about relying on the Pesakyim quoted in the name of R Elyahsiv in various recent works."

===================== 

   Rav Eliashiv - Kovetz Teshuvos from Hashakdan 

Sabbath observant meter keeps water flowing 24/7

Times of Israel   Smart metering – the ability to constantly monitor usage 24/7 – has come to the ultra-Orthodox town of Bnei Brak in central Israel. But those meters take a rest on Shabbat, thanks to an Israeli water tech company, Arad Technologies. 

“Our ‘glatt [super-kosher] water meter’ overcomes the problem of a smart water meter operating on Shabbat,” said Tal Tzur, VP Software & IT at Arad. “It allows us to install modern equipment in ultra-Orthodox neighborhoods to help save water, prevent leaks, and save money for residents.” 

It also alleviated a situation, said Tzur, in which residents of places like Jerusalem’s Mea Shearim neighborhood, Safed, and Bnei Brak were planning to do without tap water on Shabbat in order to avoid violating the sanctity of the holy day.

While water metering sounds like an old-tech industry, it is actually on the leading edge of technology. With wifi connections and GPS chips built into meters, servers can now gobble up endless reams of data about water usage. While in the old days, the water company would send out a meter-reader to see how much water a household or business used, smart monitoring technology allows the water utility to keep a constant eye out on water usage.

“Water is more expensive than ever, and ensuring a steady supply of clean water is more of a challenge, as populations grow and industry expands,” Arad vice president Rami Ziv told The Times of Israel on the sidelines of a huge WaTec (Water Technology and Environment Control) exhibition in Tel Aviv this week. “Smart metering is an important way to get water usage under control.”

With a smart meter installed at a water facility, a utility can keep an eye on field installations and get an alert if water usage goes above a certain level. The same holds true for a home user; if water usage seems too high, the utility can contact the customer and ask them if a faucet was left on accidentally, or help to uncover an unknown leak. Smart meters can also detect if someone is tampering with the water infrastructure – illegally tapping into it in order to steal water, for example.[...]

Project Innocent Heart - Dov Hikind has provided them with $950 K to fight abuse - who are they?

NY Daily News    Assemblyman Dov Hikind has quietly steered nearly $1 million in state cash to a little known orthodox Jewish group aiming to combat child abuse throughout Brooklyn’s black hat enclaves.

The controversial pol tapped Project Innocent Heart [Innocent heart website] — a Far Rockaway based organization headed by Rabbi Moshe Bak — to teach Hasidim about keeping kids safe from pedophiles, kidnappers and other criminals, according to a source with knowledge of the deal.

It's been four years since Hikind scored the $950,000 payout from the state’s Office of Family and Children's Services.

The money was first requested to fund Shomrei Yeldainu — Hebrew for “Guardians of our Children” — which nonprofit Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty was going to run.

Hikind wouldn’t return calls explaining what happened to Shomrei or why Project Innocent Heart ended up with the dough.

Met Council — whose revered executive director William Rapfogel was arrested last month in an elaborate kickback scheme — said plans were being finalized. [...]

Child safety advocates argued Project Innocent Heart is too small and too new to tackle the multigenerational, deep-rooted fear within Jewish communities involving reporting crimes to police.

“There are reputable established organizations out there,” said Ben Hirsch, a co-founder of Survivors for Justice.

Kolko case: Halachic basis of the father's actions against Kolko

Click for Original Hebrew


The injustice done to a Lakewood Talmid Chachom acting against a pedophile

Israel and Saudi Arabia – Foes or Friends?

5 Towns Jewish Times   Saudi Arabia is the second to largest country in the entire Arab world. It has a population of approximately twenty seven million people, and geographically, is to the south of Jordan which is directly to the south of Israel. Although Saudi Arabia, along with the other Arab states, have officially been at war with Israel since 1948, there are areas where it has been becoming mutually beneficial for the under cover collaboration of Israel and Saudi Arabia. This collaboration would be extremely fascinating because Saudi Arabia is home to Islam’s two holiest places, Mecca and Medina, therefore being integral to all Muslims who as a general rule hate Israel and the Jews!   [...]

In conclusion, although externally Saudi Arabia and Israel appear to still be at war with each other, really they may maintain a hidden alliance, created because of common strategic needs. As we can observe from Israel and Saudi Arabia’s recent work to achieve the common goal of installing the new Egyptian regime, their collaborative efforts could achieve great successes. What would happen to the entire Middle East if Israel and Saudi Arabia ever became allied outwardly! With Saudi Arabia’s wealth and Israel’s political persuasiveness and potent military ability, they would be able to change the entire Middle Eastern region!  

Wife claims abuse and wants a divorce: How does a beis din respond?

ChanaRachel's comment on "Sefer on forced gittin - with haskamos of major ra...":

I'd like to look at the case study (the woman named Sandie) provided in the link cited above by Rabbi Eidensohn Jewish Action Magazine Spring 1998

Let's say that Sandie decides that she can no longer live with the abuse and asks for a divorce. Her husband refuses. They go to beit din.

What would be the response and halachic analysis by:
1- An RCA beit din in the US?
2- A Rabbanut beit din in Israel
3- A Hareidi beit din following the shitot of the above book?
4- How would each Rabbi Eidelsohn analyze the case?

Sandie's Story

Sandie* is a 45-year-old mother of four beautiful children, ages 10, 14, 15 and 22. She works as a school administrator and is highly regarded by staff and parents alike for her professionalism and sensitivity to the children's needs. Her husband David owns a successful business that caters to the growing Jewish population in their neighborhood. He is on the board of their synagogue, attends a Daf Yomi shiur every morning, and is well known as someone who is always willing to help out when a need arises in the community.

Sandie's greatest joy is a new grandchild, their first. Her greatest shame is that, unbeknownst to any of her friends, Sandie's husband abuses her. Some of her most painful moments have been at events when she and her husband were being honored for their community activities; it's all she can do to keep smiling when people tell her how wonderful her husband is, and how lucky she is to be married to him.

Sometimes Sandie has a hard time believing what really happens at home. When David comes home at night, she scans his face to see what kind of evening it's going to be. If he's in a "good" mood, he might generously say, "Forget what you've made for dinner. Let's all go out to eat!" On a "bad" night, she hustles the children into their rooms and tells them to do their homework alone because, "Abba needs it nice and quiet tonight." 

On nights like that, she knows that it won't take much to send him into a rage -- throwing dishes, screaming at her, slamming his fists into the walls, calling her names, accusing her of infidelity, or threatening to divorce her and take the children with him. Although he has shoved her and pulled her hair in the past, he has never hit her or broken any bones. Sometimes he yells at the kids too, but more often he spoils them and tells them that their mother is "too strict." He used to apologize and bring her gifts after a fight; but that never happens anymore.

Over the years, she's tried many ways to fix her marriage. She suggested couples' counseling several times, but David refused to go, saying that all their problems are her fault. She's spoken to rabbis and counselors, most of whom told her to leave him, but they couldn't tell her how she was supposed to support her children on her own. Others told her that he "just has a bad temper," and that she must avoid doing things that "push his buttons." Part of the reason Sandie went back to work was to build up a nest egg for herself, but David insists that she deposit her check directly into his bank account.

She's spent many nights crying, agonizing over the person her husband has become and wondering what she's done wrong. She feels so ashamed that she hasn't been able to keep shalom bayis in her home that she has rarely tried to tell anyone else. When she has hinted at problems, people say she must be exaggerating. She actually has few friends anymore, as David doesn't trust her to see people on her own. He insists they do everything as a couple.

The most recent incident was over the fact that she bought new shoes for their youngest child without asking David first. He kept her awake until 4:30 a.m. yelling about how she can't handle money, and how careless and lazy she is. (He gives her an "allowance" every motzei Shabbos to cover food, gasoline, clothing, school supplies and household expenses: the amount depends on whether she's been "good" that week, but it's never more than $200 for everything.)

For some reason, this fight was the last straw for her. She realized that he wasn't ever going to change; and she didn't want her children to grow up thinking this was normal behavior. That week she saw a card at the mikvah advertising a hotline for abused Orthodox women. When she called, the counselor really listened -- and made her feel that someone finally understood. But she didn't tell her what to do. Sandie had hoped the hotline would give her an answer, but by the end of the conversation, she realized that she was going to have to make some hard decisions for herself. She did feel better, however, after they worked out a safety plan in case things got worse again. The counselor gave her the names of some therapists, a battered women's support group, and a rabbi who would believe her, and told her she could call back any time she wanted to talk some more.

Sandie decided to start with the rabbi, and called to make an appointment. Although she was hesitant at first to give details, he seemed to understand what she meant by a "bad temper." He assured her that he would not endanger her by telling her husband she had come to him, and he set about helping her evaluate her options within a halachic framework. He also suggested that it would be a good idea for her to talk to a domestic violence counselor. 

At this point, after a few visits with the rabbi, Sandie doesn't yet know if she'll stay with David or ask for a divorce: she feels there are pros and cons either way, and she wants to make sure she does the right thing for her children. She does feel, however, that she has finally opened her eyes and is on her way to making things better for herself and for them. She feels hopeful for the first time in years.

* Sandie's case history was provided by NISHMA, a program for Orthodox battered women in Los Angeles. All names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Suggestions for improvement in Gittin - Can we all agree?

I am making these comments into a separate post - focusing on how to improve the situation.

Dovid EidensohnOctober 24, 2013 at 9:17 PM

Is there any focus on our future, where all who agree with the major poskim and the Shulchan Aruch will not be able to marry the products of invalid divorces from the followers of Kotler and company? And if there is a great war in Israel between the rabbonut and gedolim about divorces, what does that mean? Are we thinking and talking about that, or are there more important issues?

PloniOctober 24, 2013 at 10:57 PM

R' Dovid:

I'm imagining that the identifying the "products" of these Gittin would require some sort of registry run by people that have the Gedolim's CLEAR stamp of approval.

That's a tough call, because as the author states, Sincere Batei Dinim are afraid to come out in the open against the Rabbanut, because they need the Rabbanut's אישור on Gittin.

How about dealing with "low lying fruit", first:

Let's get some publicity, articles.. ads etc publicizing a simple, logical truism:

1) No Rov or Bais Din can issue a Psak affecting the rights of any party in issues of בין אדם לחבירו without A) hearing both בעלי דין when they are both present together and B) without seriously attempting to ascertain the facts, unless the Baalei Din are מקבל קנין of their free will for a פשרה that states otherwise.

2) Any Baal Din has a right to ask מהיכן דנתני, where he feels an issue of bias may crop up.

3) Any Baal Din has a right to record the proceedings of Bais Din, where he feels there is an issue of bias.

Even if we assume that Epstein/Walmark can explain away lots of things: They care for עגונות; as Rabbi's they feel entitled to the opinion that גט מעושה is okay in the cases they dealt with; they took money because they have families to support...

....Perhaps the most blatant travesty in the saga is the lack of due diligence on their part: Namely, the fact that they never heard "the other side of the story". After all, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story!

How can Epstein/Walmark claim entitlement to the opinion that גט מעושה is okay in the cases they dealt with IF THEY OBVIOUSLY NEVER MET THE FICTITIOUS HUSBAND?

I think most of Kllal Yisroel - across the board - could empathize with these arguments.

I think that if we stay focused on things that most of Kllal Yisroel CAN agree with, we'll BS"D accomplish MUCH more..

Maybe afterwards - once people are warmed up - you'll BS"D have support going forward....

What Motivates Internet Trolls?

ABC News    A White House national security aide, with access to the country's foremost policy makers and closely guarded secrets, blew it all for the chance to write racy, inflammatory and mean-spirited messages on Twitter. 

Jofi Joseph, a director in the non-proliferation section of the National Security Staff at the White House, was fired after it was revealed that he was anonymously taunting senior administration officials, mocking politicians from both parties, and criticizing the policies he was helping to develop. 

Under the handle @natsecwonk, he also revealed internal government information. In short, he was a troll.[...]

But why write spiteful things online if there are real-life consequences? What motivates trolls like Joseph?[...]

"Cyber-psychologists often talk about the disinhibition affect. People do and say things online that they wouldn't do in real life," said John Suler, a cyber-psychologist at Rider University in New Jersey. In cyberspace, the face-to-face cues people rely on to curb inappropriate behavior is missing.[...]

But anonymity alone does not breed trolls, said Claire Hardaker, a professor at Lancaster University in England who studies Internet troublemakers. Trolls often have some sort of personal grudge, she said [...]

Weberman's victim's husband receives death threat

NYPost  The husband of the brave Orthodox Jewish teen whose testimony helped convict the once-prominent Jewish counselor who sexually abused her is receiving death threats, The Post has learned.

“I know my Jewish rights . . . I am allowed to kill you and that [is] what I am going to do,” a thuggish coward posted Monday on the Facebook page of Boorey Deutsch, husband of imprisoned perv Nechemya Weberman’s now-18-year-old victim.

“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH IN THE NEXT THREE YEARS you may be stronger than one thousand satmar people but not stronger than a gun bullet,” the posting raged.

The Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office is investigating the threat, spokeswoman Mia Goldberg confirmed.

Rabbi Shteinman Attacked at Home by Chareidi man

Arutz 7    A red line was crossed Tuesday night in intra-hareidi political rivalry when a man in his 20s broke into the home of Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman, who is 99 years old, and physically attacked him.

The incident took place as votes in the municipal elections were still being counted nationwide, and while Rabbi Shteinman was preparing a Torah lesson he intended to give Wednesday. It is seen as being connected to the municipal elections, in which the faction that follows Rabbi Shteinman received 8 seats on the Jerusalem Municipal Council, but Rabbi Shteinman's favored candidate for mayor, Moshe Lion, lost.

Sources in Rabbi Shteinman's home said that the attacker apparently entered through a window. He approached the rabbi, held him with both hands and began to shake him vigorously, while verbally insulting him and saying he had come "to get revenge."

Upon hearing the commotion in the rabbi's room, his assistants and followers quickly entered the room and held the down the attacker until police came and arrested him.

The rabbi is reportedly not feeling well after the attack, and his doctor is conducting a series of tests to determine how badly he was hurt.

The ultra-Orthodox seamstress who determined the fate of Jewish women

Haaretz   Schenirer wrote of the dissonance in the community, as "Carolin": 

“And as we pass through the days before the High Holy Days...fathers and sons travel, and thus they are drawn to Ger, to Belz, to Alexander, to Bobov, to all those places that had been made citadels of conceited religious life, dominated by the figure of the rebbe’s personality. 

“And we stay at home, the wives, daughters, and the little ones. We have an empty festival. It is bare of Jewish intellectual content. The women have never learned anything about the spiritual meaning that is concentrated within a Jewish festival. The mother goes to the synagogue, but the services echo faintly into the fenced and boarded-off women’s galleries. There is much crying by elderly women. The young girls look at them as though they belong to a different century. Youth and the desire to live a full life shoot up violently in the strong-willed young personalities. Outside the synagogues, the young girls stay chattering; they walk away from the synagogue where their mothers pour out their vague and heavy feelings. They leave behind them the wailing of the older generation and follow the urge for freedom and self-expression. Further and further from the synagogue they go, further away, to the dancing, tempting light of a fleeting joy.”[...]

Of course, a century later in Orthodox girls’ schools, no one taught us about Schenirer’s secular studies. Nor did anyone tell us about the testimonies that those who knew her have given since, stories which would fit all too awkwardly into a hagiography: that she had been married previously at an early age but soon afterwards got divorced (some say her husband was not religious enough for her, others claim it was childlessness which drove them apart), that she studied the Mishna in the original Hebrew without Yiddish translation, that her lectures were attended both by men and women. 

After Schenirer’s death, religious leaders went to great lengths to describe Schenirer as a "modest, pious woman." As Shoshanah Bechhofer writes in her 2005 dissertation on the subject, a “movement that represents change [in] a religious community that reveres tradition” must “celebrate its innovator without celebrating the idea of innovation”. And so, it was decided that, if ambition contradicts the traditional ideal of female piety, Sarah Schenirer’s memory would have to evolve first and foremost as a paragonof modesty, a modern-day redeemer of the daughters of Israel. And so, she has become today exactly what she once mourned in her diary: a woman wrapped in shawls rather than words, a perfectionist in “clothing the body” but not so much in clothing the seeds of the soul - or the mind, for that matter.[...]

Jewish Community Watch: Shh...Don't report abuse?

Minyan as a way to politically strengthen the Land of Israel

Guest post: The following is not a typical post for this blog. As the author states, she is not presenting a halachic view but a political one touching on the mitzva of yishuv haaretz.

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Why the Minyan?

It takes ten men to say certain prayers in shul. Yet no member of a minyan has a duty to attend. Why, then, opt in to this essential expression of Jewish community? It all goes back to the spies on whom the size of this religious -- and, in many ways, political -- quorum is designed.

In preparation to claim the promised land, chieftains of each tribe were dispatched to "see what kind of land it is, and the people who inhabit it; are they strong or weak? Are there few or many?" Ten of the 12 spies gave reports so discouraging that the people considered dissolving their nation in favor of returning to slavery in Egypt.

Those ten fearmongers were excised and our nation survived the episode. But, today, if the tables were turned, and enemies peered over our shul walls to discover the strength of Am Yisröel, would those spies run in fear or find our Beit Knessets all but abandoned?

My recent visit to the old city of Akko, recounted in Gather the Jews last week, suggests the latter. http://www.gatherthejews.com/2013/10/importance-of-a-minyan-in-akko/ Granted, rock-solid communities of faithful men abound around the world. But, what if Jews stopped to consider that their presence at a minyan constituted not just an act of group worship but a political statement, too? Our houses of prayer might brim daily to overflowing with platoons of tefillin-wearing chieftains.

Where no halakhic authority exists on the point, who am I to say whether HaShem wants you consistently in a minyan? What I do know is that people take their cues from leaders. And where ten leaders cannot take the time to convene daily in defense of their nation, what can any of the rest of us be expected to pledge toward its survival?

Lisette Garcia, J.D., is a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) consultant in Washington, D.C. She attends Sixth & I Historic Synagogue, a 15-minute walk from the U.S. Capitol.