The Presidential Debate, Justin Timberlake, & the Book of Isaiah

Five Towns Jewish Times by  Yair Hoffman

Some people call it Karma.  Jews call it Mida K’Neged Midah.  And the average American calls it, “What goes around comes around.”  This last expression was recently adapted into a song by Justin Timberlake.

Whatever it is called, however, the over 60 million Americans who were tuned into the presidential debates in Boca Raton, Florida on Monday night and paid careful attention were in for the shock of their lives.  What was that shock?  Soon, but first a few verses from the bible.

There is a verse in the book of Isaiah (3:11) “..for what his hands have dealt out shall be done to him…”

There is another verse in Proverbs (26:27),”Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.”

Let’s now go back a week, to last Friday in George Mason University.  According to the Talmud, President Obama committed a major no-no. [...]

Rav M Klein:Criticizes Hanhagos HaBayis (marriage)

Mishneh Halachos (9:311) on Hebrew Books

Review article from Bar Ilan U discussing this teshuva

A devastating critique of a sefer Hanhagos HaBayis (1972) which presented the idea that shalom bayis is solely dependent on the husband and that the wife's behavior is merely an indicator of the husband's spiritual perfection. Rav Klein shows that the Torah sources cited as support for the thesis in fact say just the opposite or are badly distorted by Rabbi Travis. Rav Klein claims that the sefer is a reflection of feminist psychology and explains in detail the errors of the sefer as well as describing the correct view of marriage from Torah sources. The sefer received haskomas from Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky and the Bedatz. The Bar Ilan U review of both the book & Rav  Klein's critiue is I linked to above.

מע"כ החכם המשכיל וכו' הרה"ג ר' צבי דוב טראוויס נ"י מאנסי נ"י. אחדשה"ט בכבוד הראוי לו.

ספרו המכונה הנהגת הבית קבלתי בזמנו ועברתי בו מקופיא ומצאתי בו כמה ענינים שהם לא לפי דעת תורה וההשקפה המקובלת לנו מאבותינו ורבותינו בהנהגת עניני ובניני הבית וגם נגד ההלכה בכמה מקומות האמנם כיון שלא היה אז זמן לעיין יותר אמרתי אולי משגה הוא ולכן לא כתבתי לו שום דבר עד שאתפנה קצת לעיין בו יותר, בינתיים בקרו אצלי כמה בני תורה ומתלמידי הישיבות וסתם בעלי בתים יראי ה' ובקשו ממני לכתוב דעת תורה בענינים אלו שראו בספרו הירוס בחיי המשפחה המקובלת אצלנו, שוב פנו אלי כמה מראשי ישיבות ורבנים ובקשו שאכתוב דעת תורה בענינים אלו כיון שראו בספרו שיכול להזיק ולהכשיל ח"ו בעיקרי התורה וכ"ש לצעירי הצאן אמרתי הגם כי אני טרוד מאד התפניתי לכתוב למע"כ מכתבי זה קצת להודיעו בכמה ענינים שלפענ"ד הם היפוך ההלכה ודעת תורה וההשקפה המקובלת אצל בני ישראל היראים והחרדים לדבר ה' ובהנהגת ביתם זו נשותיהם ולא אוכל להאריך בכל פרט דא"כ הייתי צריך לכתוב ספר חדש אבל מהמיעוט ידון על הכלל כולו ויאמין לי ידידי כי ח"ו אין לי שום כוונה בלתי רצויה כי אינני מכיר את מע"כ ולא דברתי עמו ולא ראיתיו עד הנה ולכן אין לחשדני שיש בזה איזה נגיעה או פגיעה אישית ח"ו לא מיניה ולא מקצתיה אלא למען ה' ותורתו וקדושת וטהרת ישראל וצנועת הבית הנני רואה לחוב להעיר במה שלפענ"ד צריך להעיר ולתקן. ולא פרסמתי הדברים כי חשבתי יותר טוב לכתוב למע"כ ובעצמו יתקן וממילא יהי' בדרך כבוד.

והנה פשוט מאוד שאין לך דבר גדול מלעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו ולא מצינו בכל התורה שהתיר הקדוש ברוך הוא ששמו ימחק אלא כדי לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו והרמב"ן ז"ל בפ' נשא עה"פ ואת כי שטית כתב וטעם ואת כי שטית כי אין בכל משפטי תורה דבר תלוי בנס זולתי הענין הזה שהוא פלא ונס קבוע שיעשה בישראל בהיותם רובם עושים רצונו של מקום כי חפץ למען צדקו ליסר הנשים שלא תעשינה כיתר העמים ולנקות ישראל מן הממזרות שיהיו ראויים להשרות שכינה בתוכם והכלל שהוא נס וכבוד לישראל ע"ש באריכות, ופשוט דהטעם הוא בזה גם כמש"ל כדי לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו ומי שיש בידו לעשות שלום ודאי שכרו מרובה מאד, אמנם אין לוותר בשביל השלום על דרך התורה ודרך דת משה בשביל זה והרי קיי"ל העוברת על דת משה יוציא ויתן כתובה ועיקר השקאת סוטה היתה לברר שלא נטמאה ואם נטמאה קבלה עונשה המגיע לה וכן פשוט דבכל שאר ענינים נמי ח"ו אין לנו לוותר על מצוות וחיובי תורתינו הקדושה ודת משה ומנהגי ישראל בדרכי הצניעות וקדושה בשביל ובכדי לעשות שלום בית ואם האשה או הבעל לא יסכימו לשלום ולדור ביחד רק באופן שהוא או היא יפסיקו לקיים מצוות ה' או דת משה או לשנותם לפי רצונם עליהם אמר הכתוב גרש לץ ויצא מדון ובגמ' כתובות ע"ב חשב במשנה אלו יוצאות שלא בכתובה ואחת העוברת על דת משה ויהודית ונפסק להלכה ברמב"ם פכ"ד מה"א ובש"ע א"ע סי' קט"ו ע"ש באריכות.

שו"ת משנה הלכות חלק ט סימן שיא

והנה עיינתי בספרו הנ"ל ודפדפתי בו וראיתי שרובו ככולו בנוי על שיטות המדעים החילונים הנקרא (סייקאלאדזשי בלע"ז) הגם כי שכל את ידיו בהקדמת הספר וכתב שכל דבריו והיסודות בנויים על פוסקים גמרות מדרשות, אמנם הרואה יראה למעשה אינו כן ואדרבה מתחלתו ועד סופו על פי רוב אם לא על הכלל כולו הוא היפוך דרך המסורה ושיטת חכמי המשנה והתלמוד ראשונים ואחרונים מפרשי התורה ונושאי דגלה וברוב מקומות הוא כותב גם נגד ההלכה המפורשת מבעלי הש"ע ונושאי כליהם, וכ"ש שהוא היפוך מדרכי הצניעות והפרישות והקדושה לפי מה שביארו לנו בזה חכמי האמת בעלי המסורה והקבלה האמתית מפי צדיקי אמת גאונים וחכמים שהם בנויים על תורת אמת על הפסוק קדושים תהיו ודרשו חז"ל קדש עצמך במותר לך שהוא מצות עשה ועיין רמב"ן עה"ת ריש קדושים דיש נבל ברשות התורה מלבד שהרבה דברים הם נגד ההגיון האנושי כאשר דברו אתי גם מבעלי האומנות (סייקאלאדזשי בלע"ז) שאמרו ג"כ שהוא נגד הגיון האנושי אפילו לפי הבנתם. עכ"פ רוב הדברים נבנו על יסוד חכמי האומות הנ"ל והיפוך דעת תורה כאשר אי"ה אבאר להלן.

ובאמת כי כן ראיתי גם בהסכמת ידי"נ הגאון הצדיק המפורסם מרן ר' יעקב קאמינעצקי שליט"א ראש ישיבת תו"ד שכתב וז"ל ואף על פי שאין לי ידיעה בחכמה זו וכו', ודקדקתי מה כוונתו שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו דאם כל דבריו בנויים על חכמת התורה כמבואר בספרים והלא מוחזקני בהגאון הנ"ל שליט"א שהוא בקי בכל חדרי תורה וא"כ מה זה שאמר שאיני בקי בחכמה זו אבל פשוט דבכיון כתב שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו שהיא חכמה שיצאה מבטן אחר ולא חכמת התורה והוא מה שקורין (סייקאלאדזשי) ולכן שפיר כתב שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו שהרי לא למד הגאון שליט"א בחכמת האומות ובבתי ספר שלהם, אלא האומר חכמה יש בעכו"ם תאמין ולכן כתב חכמה זו אבל פשוט שאם יש בזה ניגוד לתורתינו הקדושה ח"ו לסמוך עליה ואין להאמין, והגאון שליט"א סמך עצמו על מע"כ שמכירו שכוונתו לטובת הכלל ועוסק בחכמה זו ודאי יעשה כפי הראוי וע"פ התורה וא"כ כיון שלא כתב ע"פ התורה גם הסכמתו אינה כלום. גם בהסכמה שניה שיש לו מהבד"ץ כנראה שלא ראו הספר ועצם הענינים שהרי כתבו הם בהסכמה רק שהוגד להם בשבח שהגיע להם ע"י כתבים אבל לא ראו עצם הענינים אמנם על זה לא אוכל לדון כי לא ידעתי בבירור ולכן לא אחליט עד שיתברר לי. 

Rest of teshuva on Hebrew Books Mishneh Halachos (9:311) on Hebrew Books

Don't feed Internet trolls: Stopping the lynch mob

Time Magazine  It was a bad week for Internet trolls. News of the tragic suicide of 16-year-old Canadian Amanda Todd after an ugly incident of stalking, bullying and blackmail hit just as Reddit’s biggest troll, responsible for numerous highly offensive postings in sections with names like “rape bait,” was finally outed. Both stories involved nonconsensual distribution of sexualized images of young girls. [...]

So why do trolls do what they do? Clearly, we have an Internet culture that enables them [...] For one, trolls benefit from the lack of face-to-face interaction on the Web, which allows them to say outrageous things that would get them ostracized or even beaten if said in the real world. For people who are relatively isolated and feel powerless in their ordinary lives — as Brutsch appears to be — the Net provides a world where they can wield power and influence others.

Unlike most real-world bullies, trolls online can find a large ready-made audience that consistently encourages them, without any negative consequences [...] The anonymity of trolling for trouble on the Internet, however, may bring out a particular type of pathological behavior. In full-fledged psychopathy, there is a physical fearlessness that’s lacking in trolls. “They don’t act up in everyday life because they are frightened of sanctions,” says Dutton. “They’re nasty cowards, but when you get them on the Web, that fearlessness doesn’t matter anymore because there are no consequences. That’s the kind of person being unlocked here.”[...]Like other bullies, trolls also need to get a rise out of their victims if they are to enjoy the interaction. That’s why “don’t feed the trolls” is a constant admonition on many comment boards: their biggest fear is being disregarded and made irrelevant.

Shalom Bayis:Where is source for counseling?

I have just gone through a number of gemoras dealing with the damage that that comes from having a bad wife. Not one of them suggest going to a rav or chachom or even working on the issue. The solution given is simply to get divorced.

Shabbos (11a): All evil is bearable but not a bad wife

Yevamos(63b) Raba said: [If one has] a bad wife it is a meritorious act to divorce her, for it is said, Cast out the scoffer, and contention will go out; yea, strife and shame will cease.  

Yevamos (63b): Raba further stated: A bad wife, the amount of whose kethubah is large, [should be given] a rival at her side; as people say, By her partner rather than by a thorn

 Yevamos (63b): A bad wife is a plague to her husband. What remedy has he? Let him give her a letter of divorce and be healed of his plague 

 The case of erasing G-d's name in the case of Sotah would seem to be a support. However  it seems that the law of Sotah is  unique and not meant to be generalized. 

 ======================================

My simple therefore question is: What is the source of the shalom bayis with the meaning of counseling.

Why do you need a source for shalom bayis being therapy?

I think it is obvious. The way you respond to strife in marriage reflects what you think marriage is. What you perceive as malfunction in the relationship tells you what marriage is and what this particular marriage is not accomplishing. The apparent Torah description indicates it is simply a type of alliance for the mutual benefit of both parties and society. However modern understanding is that it is the necessary relationship for emotional and psychological needs and therefore a marriage where both sides fulfill their halachic obligations but isn't fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as well as lacking in love - needs to be fixed or ended. Therefore if all the sources dealing with strife in marriage focus on ending conflict - police actions - then there is no concern for love, affection or psychological issues. Consequently one could conclude these issues are not required by the Torah.

Of course one can say that even though they are not the Torah understand are still relevant. That is because the current conceptualization is ais l'asos - that since we are strongly influenced by the non-Jewish culture we need to have love (Hollywood style), fulfillment etc etc - then it would seem to be fine to now be concerned with them. It is simply a pragmatic reality for our times. It doesn't matter on a practical level what happened in the past. We are simply existing in a transient blip in history and we do what we do for the current needs for the members of our society - not what our ancestors 500 years ago did.

However the corollary of viewing this as a transient emergency measure is that we need to be aware of the ideal - when conditions change. Therefore when we get more control and isolate ourselves from the surrounding cultural atmosphere we should be returning to the Torah understanding - the relationship devoid of emotion and psychological fulfillment. Thus the information is for the future - for knowing the ideal so we can return to it.

But there is another approach as to why this question is important. This is the view which is expressed by Rav Tzadok. He holds that the Torah view evolves or progresses for the better. He says we do in fact learn and incorporate ideas from the goyim. Rav Tzadok notes our job is to sanctify these innovations. Therefore the ideal is looking forward and disgarding the past references which are no longer appropriate or allowed. According to this view if a husband insists on following the view of Chazal and Rishonim in this area - he is seriously derelict in his duty. Similarly a wife can't view herself as a baby machine whose job description is described entirely by behavioral requirements and she doesn't need to show love and affection. In other words you can't go back and you fail miserably in Avoda HaShem by trying.

In short this question is a major probe into the essence of what marriage is and what it needs to accomplish. 

Psychological & emotional abuse: A A of Pediatrics

Psychological Maltreatment Published online July 30, 2012 Pediatrics Vol. 130 No. 2 August 1, 2012 pp. 372 -378 (doi: 10.1542/peds.2012-1552)

by Roberta Hibbard, MD,Jane Barlow, DPhil, Harriet MacMillan, MD, andthe Committee on Child Abuse and Neglect and AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CHILD AND ADOLESCENT PSYCHIATRY, Child Maltreatment and Violence Committee

Abstract

Psychological or emotional maltreatment of children may be the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect. Caregiver behaviors include acts of omission (ignoring need for social interactions) or commission (spurning, terrorizing); may be verbal or nonverbal, active or passive, and with or without intent to harm; and negatively affect the child’s cognitive, social, emotional, and/or physical development. Psychological maltreatment has been linked with disorders of attachment, developmental and educational problems, socialization problems, disruptive behavior, and later psychopathology.[...]

Chassidim discover that Shabbos Goy is a Jew

Arutz Sheva The Seret-Vizhnitz Chassidic community in Haifa was shocked to discover this week that the man who for years had served as the local “Sabbath gentile” was in fact Jewish.

The Ladaat website, which revealed the story, reported that the man in question is of Romanian origin and himself believed that he and his entire family were Christian.

He worked for one of the Chassidic community’s institutions, and helped many people by performing activities prohibited to Jews on the Sabbath. A “Sabbath gentile” may assist in certain types of prohibited Sabbath labor.

Rav Gestetner: No need for heter 100 rabbis - minority view?

I posted a letter from Rav Gestetner in July 2012 regarding a dispute between Rav Gestetner and Rav Shlomo Miller. At that time the claim was the Rav Gestetner was out on the fringe etc without support from major poskim. The following was sent me today which seems to give an entirely different picture. If anyone has the original letter from Rav Miller I would like to add it to this post.

Just added two important letters 1) from my brother and 2) a letter from sent by Rav Knopfler of the Bedatz of Lakewood

Daas Torah July 2012 Remarry without heter 100 Rabbonim?

R Golderberger Support Letters

Get Me'usa: Rav Rosenberg

As a consequence of the increasingly large number of gittin that are invalid according to the Torah, and are causing adulterous relations and increasing numbers of mamzerim, we are publicizing the problem in a letter from a beis din which clearly states the halacha

Concerning get me’usa (get which is invalid because of improper pressure on the husband)

It is a clear and unambiguous halacha that a get with is given because of force  - that is not authorized by the Torah – is invalid according the Torah. Therefore a woman who turns with various claims against her husband which are invalid according to the Torah such as monetary claims, maintainance, division of property etc., and in exchange for dropping the demands the husband agrees to giver her a get  - that get is categorized as one that is suspected of being invalid because of unauthorized force as is explained in Piskei Teshuva (E.H. 134:1) based on the Rashbatz. Similarly coercing a get by means of physical force against the husband or threats of imprisonment – also invalidate the get as is explicitly stated in the Rashba (2:240) and other Rishonim.

Therefore a woman who receives an invalid get by means of coercing or threatening the husband - in the manner listed above as well as other similar pressures –  is prohibited to remarry and she needs to receive another get.

Rav Chaim:a nebach apikorus is also an apikorus

Someone asked me today regarding the famous statement of Rav Chaim - did he actually act on it? In other words did he examine witnesses at a chasana as to whether they had correct beliefs. Did he refuse to count an ignoramous in a minyan because of mistaken beliefs. I am aware that it is a machlokess - but l'maaseh - what did Rav Chaim do?

Rav Elchonon Wasserman (Explanations of Agados #2): The view of the Rambam is that a person who believes G‑d is physical is a heretic. The Raavad commented: “There are greater and better people than the Rambam who erred in this issue because of mistakenly accepting the literal meaning of verses and agada.” I heard in the name of Rav Chaim Brisker that the Rambam views that there is no such thing as inadvertent heresy. Irrespective of how a person arrives at a mistaken belief, the fact is that he believes something which is heretical. Furthermore, it is impossible to be a member of the Jewish people without proper faith. Rav Chaim used to say that “a nebach apikorus (mistaken heretic) is also a heretic.”

Boy Scout Files Detail Decades of abuse coverups

NYTimes  In August 1981, the father of three Boy Scouts in western Colorado wrote in deep despair to scouting supervisors: a familiar local scout leader, referred to only as Joe, had sexually abused boys in his troop, including the writer’s own sons, and yet was still being allowed to have contact with boys.

Joe had been spotted at a big scout gathering called a Jamboree, the letter said, wearing a leather name tag like all other scoutmasters. “Your assurances that Joe was out of scouting and would have no further contact with scouting have just become meaningless,” he wrote. “Do you care about my distress over watching Joe insidiously get back?”

Regrets and recriminations about how the Boy Scouts of America have policed the ranks of its scoutmasters and other volunteers to guard against sexual predators — and how they have often failed — echo through the thousands of pages of internal documents, police files and newspaper clippings released here on Thursday after a lengthy court battle. The files were put together over a 20-year period in states across the nation on 1,247 men who were accused of abuse between 1965 and 1985, often with multiple victims. The release of the documents creates, for the first time, a public database on specific abuse accusations.   [See also NBC News ]

Get refuser who cheated with man jailed

ynet  They were married for more than five years, raised two children together, and lived a generally happy life until the woman found out that her husband was cheating on her – with a man.

She caught him in the act, immediately filed for a divorce with the Rabbinate, but the man refused to grant her a "get". On Tuesday, 10 years after the case was opened, the Rabbinical Court sent the man to prison – until he gives in.

The court ruled that the two must divorce, and ordered the man to grant his wife a "get". Despite his refusal, for years the judges failed to use their authority to impose sanctions on him in order to receive his consent for a divorce.

The husband, on his part, tried to extort different kinds of concessions from his wife before he agreed to a divorce, including benefits in child visitation arrangements and giving up on damages he had been ordered to pay.

But even after his requests were granted, the man refused to give his wife a divorce.

Child abuse: When do people actually intervene?

The following statements are true and self-evident as well as being supported by the Torah , research in psychology and correspond to observable facts.

While establishing the theory as to why these statement are true is important - there is greater benefit in simply knowing what to do to increase protection of the children

================================

Conditions people are more likely to intervene to help victim

1 If the facts are clear.

2 If the consequences for not acting are made extremely clear.

3 If there is a secular penalty (mandated reporting) for not reporting.

4 If the destruction caused to a person by being abused is made clear.

5 If the individual is made personally responsible to prevent harm from abuser.

6 If the Torah mandated obligations for dealing with abuse are unambiguously presented by rabbinic authorities.

7 If rabbis, principals or other leaders of an organizations stop insisting that they must be the gatekeepers - even though they are typically unqualified and incompetent in these matters.

8 If people use seichel rather than hide behind halachic reasoning that has no basis in Shulchan Aruch and poskim.

9 If people establish the facts prior to applying halachic barriers such as claiming there is no reality of abuse unless established by two frum adult males.

10 If the Torah mandated consequences for failure to deal with abuse are unambiguously presented.

11 If the operations of the secular authorities are clear, sensitive and effective in dealing with the problem.

12 If the negative consequences are a minimum to innocent family and community members. 13 If the community no longer tries to destroy those that report abuse. 14 If there is community approval and encouragement to deal with abuse. 15 If it is a member of the family - child or grandchild - who is being abused

Are sons more desirable than daughters?

Pele Yoetz (Daughter): I have seen a terrible custom in some places that when a daughter is born that the people make a lot of jokes and ridicule it. One person says, “The cold is great” and another ones say, “The smell is overwhelming”. This type of “humor” is openly expressed until the person who just had a daughter born cannot find a place to hide from those pursuing after him with ridicule and jokes. This custom is totally disgusting to me and they violate the verse in Mishlei (17:5), “One who ridicules the poor has blasphemed his Creator.” That is because it one of the hidden matters as to why G‑d gives sons to whom He wants and daughters to whom he wants. Consequently one who ridicules the birth of a daughter is speaking against G‑d and well as transgressing the serious prohibition against mocking others. But there is something even more stupid and nonsensical than ridiculing the birth of a daughter. There are some insensitive and ignorant people that when their wife gives birth to a son they express love to her and greatly honor her. In contrast if she gives birth to a girl, they avoid her and basically abandon her – not even to see her.  How great must be his wife’s sense of alienation and grief! These are truly foolish people. What does he want from his wife? Did she go to the market to choose to buy him a daughter and not a son?  Furthermore what business does he have criticizing the private decisions of G‑d? Perhaps daughters are better for him then sons because of their mazel and their lot. We have personally witnessed fathers who have rejoiced equally for their daughters and sons and yet their daughters’ portion in life was more blessed than that of sons. Woe is it to the man whose sons’ accomplishments are more appropriate for daughters and even worse than daughters in their ignorance because in fact there are a great number of ignoramuses and true scholars are few. Great are the pains of the father of sons when they don’t make a name for themselves in Torah learning and service of G‑d. In contrast the highest goals for daughters are more readily accomplished since it is primarily to teach them an occupation and proper character.

Bava Basra (16b):A daughter was born to Rav Shimon the son of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and he was upset because of it. His father tried to comfort him by saying, Increase has come to the world. Bar Kappara said to him, Your father has tried comforting you with a worthless consolation. Because the braissa says, The world can not exist without both males or females and yet happy is he whose children are males and woe is he whose children are females. Similarly the world cannot exist without both spice sellers or tanners, and yet happy is he whose profession is that of a spice seller and woe is he whose professions is that of tanner. On this issue of the value of daughters there is a dispute amongst the Tannaim. It says in Bereishis (24:1), G‑d blessed Avraham with everything [ba-kol]. What is meant by the word “everything”? R’ Meir said it means he was blessed with not having a daughter. R’ Yehuda said it means he was blessed with a daughter. Others (Acherim) say it means that he had a daughter whose name was “everything” (ba-kol).

Bava Basra(141a):  For R. Hisda said: [If a] daughter [is born] first, it is a good sign for the children. Some say, because she rears her brothers; and others say. because the evil eye has no influence over them. R. Hisda said: To me, however, daughters are dearer than sons.

שב שמעתתא (הקדמה ע' כא): ואפשר בזה רמזו בש"ס בבא בתרא ד' קמא ע"א בת תחילה סימן יפה לבנים דרבה לאחהא עפ"י מ"ש באבות כל שיראתו קודמת לחכמתו כו', וכל שחכמתו קודמת ליראת חטאו כוו וזהו בת תחלה היינו היראה סימן יפה לבנים היית תורה דרבי' ילבנהא, דע" י היראה התורה מתקיימת

Pardes Yosef (Bereishis 24:1): The Torah Temima (Bereishis 24:1.6) writes that in Menachos (43b) it states that Rav Meir decreed saying the beracha “Who has not made me a woman” and this is consistent with his view that a daughter is not a blessing. Rabbi Yehuda added that even though a son is a greater blessing than a daughter – that is only for someone who has a son. However someone who has a son also desires to have a daughter. Also the mitzva of having children is fulfilled only by having both a son and daughter. Others (Acherim) added that complete happeniness is only when the children go in the upright path. We know concerning Yitzchok that is says in Bereishis (25:19) that Yitzchok was the son of Avraham and that Avraham had a child Yitzchok. This verse tells you that all the fine qualities that existed in Avraham also existed in Yitzchok. However when it talks about the qualities of the daught the Torah doesn’t mention them. It simply says according to Acherim that the daughters name was ba-chol in the say one would say that a particular person has all the fine qualities. And thus he understands that Avaraham happiness was complete since he had a daughter with all the fine qualities.

Berachos(5b): ‘And that my bed should be placed north and south’. For R. Hama b. R. Hanina said in the name of R. Isaac: Whosoever places his bed north and south will have male children, as it says: And whose belly Thou fillest with Thy treasure, who have sons in plenty. R. Nahman b. Isaac says: His wife also will not miscarry. Here it is written: And whose belly Thou fillest with Thy treasure, and elsewhere it is written: And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold there were twins in her womb. 

Sanhedrin(100b): R. Joseph said: it is also forbidden to read the book of Ben Sira. Abaye said to him: Why so? Shall we say because there is written therein, ...  A daughter is a vain treasure to her father: through anxiety on her account, he cannot sleep at night. As a minor, lest she be seduced; in her majority, lest she play the harlot; as an adult, lest she be not married; if she marries, lest she bear no children; if she grows old, lest she engage in witchcraft!’ But the Rabbis have said the same: The world cannot exist without males and females; happy is he whose children are males, and woe to him whose children are females.

Berachos(60a): Within the first three days a man should pray that the seed should not putrefy; from the third to the fortieth day he should pray that the child should be a male; from the fortieth day to three months he should pray that it should not be a sandal; from three months to six months he should pray that it should not be still-born; from six months to nine months he should pray for a safe delivery.

Nida (31b): R. Isaac citing R. Ammi further stated: As soon as a male comes into the world peace comes into the world, for it is said, Send ye a gift for the ruler of the land [and the Hebrew for] male [is composed of the consonants of the ‘words for] ‘this is a gift’R. Isaac citing16 R. Ammi further stated: When a male comes into the world his provision comes with him, [the Hebrew for] male [zakar, being composed of the consonants of the words for] ‘this is provision [zeh kar]’,for it is written, And he prepared a great provision [kera] for them. A female has nothing with her, [the Hebrew for] female [nekebah] implying ‘she comes with nothing’ [nekiyyah ba'ah]. Unless she demands her food nothing is given to her, for it is written, Demand [nakebah] from me thy wages and I will give it  

Rav Lichtenstein & Culture shock: Calvin & Hobbes

this item appeared in the Jewish Week

Shalom bayis through being unconscious: Adam & Eve

Toldos Yitzchok (Bereishis 2:21): And G‑d caused man to become unconscious [when He made Eve] – This unconscious state [associated with the creation of woman] - hints that man should make himself unconscious when he is in his house and not to be critical and fussy with his wife and household

---

תולדות יצחק (בראשית ב:כא): ויפל יי' אלהים תרדמה, רמז שהאדם יעשה עצמו נרדם בביתו, ולא יהיה קפדן עם אשתו ובני ביתו.

Dr. Marc Shapiro:Why frum child abusers are defended

Seforim Blog - footnote 8   There is another theory as to why the sectarian hasidic world in particular has had so many cases of covering up and defending child sex abusers. It is that they simply do not regard these people as so terrible. The evidence for this appears obvious, in that in case of after case we see that they continue to allow sex abusers to teach and refuse to turn them over to the authorities and warn the parent body. Had they caught the rebbe eating at McDonald’s, you can be sure he would have been fired, but not so when it comes to fooling around with kids. The question is why do they have this outlook, and how come they don’t regard child sex abusers as so terrible? Here is a possible answer (which a wise person suggested). Look at where these societies get their information about human nature, the information that they regard as authentic and true. It does not come from modern psychology, but from Torah sources and folk beliefs. If you look only at traditional rabbinic literature, you won’t conclude that child sex abuse is as terrible as modern society views it. Yes, it is a sin and the person who commits it must repent as he must do with all sins, but there is nothing in the traditional literature that speaks to the great trauma suffered by the victim. How do we know about this trauma? Only from modern psychology and the testimony of the victims. Yet this type of evidence does not have much significance in the insular hasidic world (unless it is your own child who has been abused). Certainly modern psychology, which is often attacked by figures in that community, is not given much credence, especially not when they are confronted with an issur of mesirah. This theory makes a lot of sense to me and I am curious to hear what others have to say.

This issue was discussed two years ago here

15,000 chareidi youth getting draft notices

Haaretz   Over the next few weeks, the Israel Defense Forces will send out draft notices to some 15,000 Haredi youths aged 17-19, requiring them to show up for interviews. The IDF does not intend on drafting them immediately, but simply means to have them follow the standard recruitment process required before military service. The regular enlistment process usually takes up to a year. The IDF has taken the step after the High Court of Justice invalidated the "Tal Law" governing the enlistment of the ultra-Orthodox. The change took effect in August. 

At the same time that the army is requiring all Haredi men to enter the regular recruitment process, it is also continuing its preparations to establish a number of new battalions to accept Haredi men as combat soldiers, similar to the existing Netzah Yehuda "Nahal Haredi" battalion.

Senior IDF officers and Defense Ministry officials presented the plan to implement a Haredi draft on Sunday, at a meeting with Defense Minister Ehud Barak. Barak will present the plan this morning to the Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee. The plan is an attempt to find a middle ground in the wake of the cancellation of the Tal Law, in the expectation that it will be only temporary and that after the coming elections and the establishment of a new government, there will be a serious attempt to legislate a new law governing Haredi draft deferrals, seeing as how the High Court threw out the old arrangements.

Hebrew U study: 13.75 million Jews in the world

YNet   The global Jewish population reached 13.75 million in the past year, with an increase of 88,000 people, a study by Hebrew University Professor Sergio DellaPergola reveals.

According to the study, one out of every 514 people in the world is Jewish, less than 0.2% of mankind.

About 43% of the world’s Jewish community lives in Israel, making Israel the country with the largest Jewish population.

The Israeli Jewish population stands at 5,978,600, up 1.8%; the Arab population numbers at 1,636,600, up 2.4%; and the rest of the population including Christians and non-Jews reached 318,000 people, up 1.3%. Israel’s Jewish population makes up 75% of the state’s total people.

Rav Sternbuch:Problem of Get Me'usa in America

The following is my hasty unauthorized translation. Don't rely on it alone for practical halacha.

ב' מרחשון תשנ"ט

I was asked regarding a get which Rav X from Monsey gave to his wife. We want to emphasize that we only heard from one side i.e., that husband. However in matters of issur it is sufficient regarding assertions which are related with some sort of justification to arouse serious concerns that the Get is invalid as a Get Me’usa (forced get) and that it was given in error. Furthermore we have received letters from roshei yeshiva and gedolei Torah from America that verify the husband’s assertions. In their view there is a serious probability that the Get is invalid as we mentioned. Consequently there is no concern for the Cherem of Rabbeinu Tam that prohibits questioning a get given by a recognized beis din – since this isn’t simply a vague questioning of the validity of the Get as we explain. Therefore we call on the gedolei poskim in American not to get involved in this matter that they have heard about and assumed was correctly decided. There is the presumption that the Jewish people will not commit the crime of permitting the wife to remarry without a thorough clarification of what we mentioned and a true determination made of the din. In the matter which is before us, the husband does not want to leave his wife an agunah. He in fact is prepared to give a Get according to the law of the Torah. He simply is requesting his rights according to the Torah. They demanded from the husband that he falsely sign that he has no reservations regarding the Get and he are giving it whole heartedly. In addition they utilized the fact that the secular law always believes the wife - even when she is make false claims. Furthermore they utilized the fact that the secular law would imprison him based entirely on her false testimony or at least make a harsh judgment against him. It was only out of fear of these possibilities that he gave the get or validated it so that he would be free of improper criminal charges. You should be aware that this sin of permitting a married women to remarry against the halacha is extremely serious and is worse than what was done by the Generation of the Flood as is explained in Kiddushin (13a). And according what we have heard, America is degenerating to a state where anyone who marries a divorcee will need to clarify first which beis din gave her the Get and whether the husband willingly gave it. There is absolutely no concern to the Cherem [of Rabbeinu Tam] of questioning the validity of a Get – since there is clearly a valid basis to be concerned. This is the ruling of the Nodah BeYehuda (E.H. Madura Kamma 88) and other Achronim. The Nodah BeYehuda concludes there that if the beis din uses nidoi to pressure the husband then the beis din itself is in nidoi. Therefore due to the serious nature of this matter we request from the rabbis of America, who are the guardians of Yiddishkeit there, not to allow such a damaging breach. And this request is also directed to the Orthodox battei din that are known as Chareidim and yet they conduct themselves contrary to halacha due to our many sins. And even by silently acquiescing to this violation of halacha they are perpetuating it – chas v’shalom! For now the above words should be sufficient. Therefore I hope that this letter be productive in improving the situation. It will be my reward that I sanctified the Name of Heaven by not allowing revolt against the marriage laws. Gֿ‑d’s holy Torah will be perpetuated as well as His Will.

R' Pinto's wife attempts suicide after arrest

JPost   Rivka Pinto, the wife of Rabbi Yoshiyahu Pinto, one of Israel's most influential rabbis, attempted suicide by taking an overdose of pills at the couple's Ashdod home on Sunday, while police investigators interrogated her husband on suspicion of money laundering and bribing a senior police officer.

Pinto was lightly hurt and taken by Magen David Adom paramedics for treatment to the Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer Hospital, where she was recovering Sunday night.

For additional information YNet   bhol

Teaching teenagers derech eretz in shul

NYTimes   ALIA RAMER, a mother of three from Maplewood, N.J., first noticed the problem when her daughter was just reaching adolescence, the age when many Jewish children celebrate their bar and bat mitzvahs

Parents were dropping their children off at the synagogue, and the kids, unchaperoned, were treating the joint like the mall. Girls were hanging out in the bathroom, sitting on the countertops and texting their friends, while boys were playing tag football in the social hall and sneaking brownies from under the plastic wrap.

These days, the tables have been turned. Jewish communities around the country, horrified by the appalling lack of manners their children display at bar and bat mitzvahs, are increasingly turning to more-formalized training efforts.

At the Hebrew Academy of the Five Towns and Rockaway, a Modern Orthodox day school in Lawrence, N.Y., the school holds weekly academic classes to prepare boys and girls to become bar and bat mitzvah scholars.

But administrators added a separate, in-school program to rehearse the proper etiquette guests should display at these events. The highlight is a mock service in which teachers coach students on how to sit quietly during prayers and listen attentively to remarks made by the rabbi, parents and grandparents. Members of the school staff even make telephone calls to students’ cellphones to prepare them for that eventuality. 

R Amnon Yitzchok:Rav Steinman gave me iPhone heter

YNet   בכירי הרבנים החרדים מחריפים את מאבקם בסמארטפונים, ולאחרונה אף החלו בהטלת סנקציות אישיות על משתמשיהם כדי לבדל אותם מתוך המחנה - אבל יש מי שזה אינו נוגע לו. הרב אמנון יצחק טוען כי הרב החרדי הבכיר אהרון לייב שטיינמן העניק אישור מיוחד לו ולאנשיו להשתמש במכשיר אייפון "לצורך החזרה בתשובה".

הרב אמנון יצחק נדרש לסוגיה באתר ארגונו, "שופר", לאחר שברשתות החברתיות ובאתרי אינטרנט הופצו תמונות שבהן הוא נראה משתמש ב"מכשיר האסור". המחזיר בתשובה הידוע לא חסך בלשונו ואף כינה את אלו המבקרים אותו בעניין "טיפשים", ודימה אותם למי שפוגעים באלוהים.

באתר "שופר" ציטט הרב אמנון יצחק מדברי חז"ל, לפיהם "כל המהרהר אחר רבו, כמהרהר אחר השכינה", ו"איחל" ברמיזה למבקריו עונש משמים, כשהזכיר את החצי הראשון של דברי חכמים "החושד בכשרים – לוקה בגופו".
 

בהתייחסות עניינית לנושא, תחת הכותרת "הבהרה להסיר מכשול ולזות שפתיים", נכתב: "הרב אמנון יצחק שליט"א נגד האייפונים והדומה להם. מה שטפשים שואלים, ולא מדעת, כיצד יש לרב אמנון יצחק אייפון, להווי ידוע שגדול הדור הרב הגאון אהרון לייב שטיינמן שליט"א התיר אישית (...) לרב ולצוותו לצורך החזרה בתשובה להשתמש באייפונים". 

bhol. english      How is it that he who shattered the iPhones, Rabbi Amnon Yitzhak, is himself using the device? • He has an original explanation: "Rabbi Aharon Leib Steinman has allowed me to use the iPhone for Teshuva work" 

Shofar website, run by Rabbi Amnon's men released an answer this week:
"Highlights! To remove an obstacle and tongue wagging," said the headline.

"Rabbi Amnon Yitzchak Shlita is against iPhones and similar devices. Fools have asked how Rabbi Amnon Yitzhak has an iPhone?

"Rabbi Aharon Leib Steinman personally allowed (the questions asked in this regard by Rabbi Yehuda Leibowitz, shlita), the rabbi and his team to use iPhones for the sake of his Teshuva work."

The end reads: "And anyone doubting his Rabbi is considered doubting the shechina and doubting the righteous…" 

Chasam Sofer: Perek Shira as segula

חתם סופר (פרשת וילך ושבת שובה): שובה ישראל עד ה' אלקים וגו' ובמדרש [ב"ר פ"ד), אמר הקב"ה לראובן אתה פתחת בתשובה תחלה חייך שבן בנן עתיד לפתוח בתשובה תחלה שנאמר בהושע שובה ישראל. ענין התשובה צריך שתהי' עיקרה לעזזוב החטא ולעקור רוע שאור מלבנו, לא יזכר ולא יפקד ולא יעלשה על לב בעולם, לא כמו שאנו עושים מרבים בתהילים ונסברים בבה"כ ואינם שבים מרוע מעלליהם כ"א מוסיפים מע"ט, ואין זה אלא כמי שנתאכסן אצל בעה"ב בדירה סרוחה אין לחן ואין מים כ"א לחם הקלקל מוסרח ומעפש, ובראותו רחוק ממנו הר גדול גבוה תלול מאוד מאוד, ועליו מעין גלים עם כל פרי מאכל הדודאים נתנו ריח טוב מאוד. ואנשים טובים יפים מתעגנים בדשן נפשם, הוא חושק ומאוה לעלות שם גם הוא, ויהי הבעה"ב מתירא שמא ילכו האורחים שמה ולא ישובו עליו עוד, ע"כ פיתם בדבריו שימתינו והוא יביא להם פירות מפרי ההר ההוא ויתענגו פה בביתו ולא יטרחו לעלות ההר ההוא, וכן עשה והביא להם מטוב הארץ ההיא, והוסיף להם יגון ואון על כי בהתערב ריח הפירות הטובים עם ריח בית הכסא ושערי ריח רע הרע מאוד כידוע בטבע, ובהתערב מאכלים מתוקים עם המרים היו מתועבים ומשוקצים ביותר, כן ממש יארע לאנשים המתאכסנים אצל יצה"ר בדירה סורחה שלו, ובפקוח עיניהם בימים האלו ורואים כי רע ומר מאכלם ומשקם אשר שתו ולעו, ורואים הר ה' גבוה ותלול וצדיקים מתענגים מפרי כפיהם ומתאוים לעלות שמה גם המה, והיצה"ר מפתם שיביא להם מאותם הפירות שיאמרו תהלים ומעמדות כל היום וכל הלילה לא ייחשו, ולא עיינו בה' תשובה להרמב"ם שהעיקר תחלה התשובה לקבל עליו ולהעיד עליו הבורא ית"ש שלא ישיוב עוד נמעלליו הרעים, וכ' ר' יומנה שאח"כ שכבר הורגל מבלי לעשות מעשיו [הרעים] כלל יתחיל במע"ט, לא מקודם לזה, כי לא יתקבלו מעשיו הטובים אם יתערבו עם הרעים שבלבו מכ"ש לעיל במשל, וע"ז אמר דוד הע"ה [תהלים ל"ד] מי האיש החפץ חיים, פי' מי הוא אותו האיש אשר יחפוץ בחיים הנצחיים, ויעשה שטות כז שיהיהי' אוהב ימים לראות טוב תחלה ואח"כ ינצור לשונו מרע, וכן לא יעשה אלא תחלה סור מרע ועשה טוב אח"כ, וע"ז כתיב בפ' השבוע והיה לאכול ומצאוהו רעות רבו וצרות ואמר ביום ההוא הלא על כי אין אלהי בקרבי מצאוני הרעות האלה, ואנכי הסתר אסתיר פני וגו' כי פנה אל אלהים אחרים, ואחז"ל [חגיגה ה.] רעות רבות וצרות רעות שנעשו צרות זה לזה מה ניהו זבורא ועקרבה דקשי להאי מעלי להאי, והענין קשה מאד בקרא, שאחר שיכירו ויתודו על עוהם יסתיר פניו וחלילה לו ית', אבל הענין כי המעשה הטוב היותר גדול הוא שיהי' ה' נגד עיניו מיד בל יזוז ממחשבתו שוייתיה' לנגדי תמיד, אמנם זה שייך לחסי'י קודשי עליון, והמעשה היותר הרע ההוא העע"ז ח"ו, והנה בפגעם הרעות והי' לאכול לא נתנו לבם לעקור ע"ז ממחשבתם כ"א לעשות מעשי חסידות של שטות ולומר על כי אין אלהי בקרבי, פי' על שלא חשבתי ה' במחשבתי תמיד מצאוני הרעות האלה שלש אמרתי פרק שירה בכל יום, ובאמת אינו כן, כי אנכי הסתר אסתיר פני על כי פנה אל אלקים אחרים ולא על מניעת מעשה הטוב , וזהו באמת זבורא ועקרבה, תרתי דסתרי לב חורש משבות און ומוסיף מע"ט.

An Arab writes: Arabs are the enemy - not Israel

Arab News I decided to write this article after I saw photos and reports about a starving child in Yemen, a burned ancient Aleppo souk in Syria, the under developed Sinai in Egypt, car bombs in Iraq and the destroyed buildings in Libya. The photos and the reports were shown on the Al-Arabiya network, which is the most watched and respected news outlet in the Middle East.

The common thing among all what I saw is that the destruction and the atrocities are not done by an outside enemy. The starvation, the killings and the destruction in these Arab countries are done by the same hands that are supposed to protect and build the unity of these countries and safeguard the people of these countries. So, the question now is that who is the real enemy of the Arab world?

The Arab world wasted hundreds of billions of dollars and lost tens of thousands of innocent lives fighting Israel, which they considered is their sworn enemy, an enemy whose existence they never recognized. The Arab world has many enemies and Israel should have been at the bottom of the list. The real enemies of the Arab world are corruption, lack of good education, lack of good health care, lack of freedom, lack of respect for the human lives and finally, the Arab world had many dictators who used the Arab-Israeli conflict to suppress their own people.

These dictators’ atrocities against their own people are far worse than all the full-scale Arab-Israeli wars.

In the past, we have talked about why some Israeli soldiers attack and mistreat Palestinians. Also, we saw Israeli planes and tanks attack various Arab countries. But, do these attacks match the current atrocities being committed by some Arab states against their own people. [...]

Finally, if many of the Arab states are in such disarray, then what happened to the Arabs’ sworn enemy (Israel)? Israel now has the most advanced research facilities, top universities and advanced infrastructure. Many Arabs don’t know that the life expectancy of the Palestinians living in Israel is far longer than many Arab states and they enjoy far better political and social freedom than many of their Arab brothers. Even the Palestinians living under Israeli occupation in the West Bank and Gaza Strip enjoy more political and social rights than some places in the Arab World. Wasn’t one of the judges who sent a former Israeli president to jail is an Israeli-Palestinian?[...]

Rabbi Y. Pinto arrested on bribe charges

Haaretz  The influential rabbi Yoshiyahu Pinto and his wife were arrested and investigated on Thursday. They were charged with attempting to bribe a police officer and money laundering. They were released under restrictive conditions once the investigation was completed.

The investigation into the conduct of rabbi Pinto and his wife was led a special investigation team headed by Yoav Segalovich, head of the police investigations unit. The police believe the rabbi contacted a high-ranking police officer and offered him a bribe in exchange for information concerning an investigation. The investigation took several weeks during which rabbi Pinto gave the police officer the bribe.[...]

Yaron Lipshos, Pinto's attorney issued a statement: "Rabbi Pinto answered all the police's questions, and divulged all that he knew in order to further the investigation so that it may be concluded as soon as possible and disprove all the baseless allegations raised against him."[...]   See Wikipeda for additional information

Nitei Gavriel:Not speaking to women

Hebrew Books   Nitei Gavriel (Chapter 50 Yichud page 325): Avos (1:5) says, “A man should not have excessive idle conversation (sicha) with a woman. That is said in regards to one’s wife so even more so it applies to the wife of another.” Therefore when a man has no choice but to speak to a woman he should minimize it as much as possible. That is what the Derech Pekudecha (Mahartza Mudinov - Lo Saaseh 35:8) concluded. He said, “It is surprising that accomplished Torah scholars and G‑d fearing men are not careful of this prohibition which requires them to weigh precisely each word that they speak with a woman in order not to add even one unnecessary word. I personally could not find a legitimate justification for this behavior. However I provided some sort of rationale for it based on the Sefer Chasidim which is cited by the Beis Shmuel (E.H. 62:11). He says that at a wedding meal – if there a men and women together in a single room then the beracha of hasimcha b'miono should not be recited. That is because there is no true rejoicing in a place where the evil inclination operates freely. In fact I have not seen anyone who has acts in accord with this ruling. I did find an explanation for this in the Levush who writes, ‘And now we are not careful with to observe this ruling because it is normal for women to be frequently found together with men (e.g., business, professions, and stores). As a consequence of this reality, sinful thoughts when seeing women are not so prevalent as when the sexes were kept separate because they are viewed neutrally as one would view geese due to the constant habituation. Therefore since it has become normal to violate this concern – it is ignored .’ One must conclude according this analysis that when a Jewish community is operating properly and livelihood is readily obtained you will not see a single woman outside the home because they are not involved in commerce. Consequently a man living in that community if he happens to see a woman – it is something extremely rare experience and therefore it will generate erotic thoughts and feelings. In contrast when the weight of exile is heavy and livlihood is difficult to obtain the women are involved in commerce and there is no novelty for a man to see women. Therefore he becomes habituated to the sight of a woman and doesn’t become sexual aroused so much when he see one. Therefore if we see that habituation removes the problem of men having erotic thoughts from being with women, it should also apply to our case of excessive talking [and therefore when the norm is that men interact  with women there should be no restriction on conversation.]  We can answer this assertion by noting that it is clear that a man does not in fact get sexually aroused by excessive chatter because of habituation. Nevertheless despite the existence of habituation in conversation, it is clear that this leniency for habituation can not be applied in the case of conversation. That is because excessive conversation is prohibited even with his wife with whom he is obviously habituated. That is because speaking and voice are considered sexual because they are mentioned in the Shir haShirim (2:14), Your voice is sweet and Shir haShirim (4:3), Your speech is pleasant (This is astounding! Is the ordinary voice of a women considered sexually arousing – isn’t it in fact only the singing voice? N.G.). It is possible that at the time when ordinary conversations with a woman were presumed to prohibited because of sexual arousal that they made the decree to prohibit excessive talk even with one’s wife. [to be continued]

Nitei Gavriel Yichud Chapter 50

Alshech: Harm of Talking a lot with one's Wife

Alshech (Vayikra 9:24): There is concern that by welcoming guests – as proposed by Avos 1:5 - into your home that some of them might become too friendly with your wife and this will lead to sin.The solution proposed by this mishna is that the husband should not talk a lot with his wife. This is to convey the message that if a man needs to reduce the idle chatter [sicha] he has with his own wife then surely he should not be talking a lot with the wife of another or becoming overly friendly with her. This is what is meant by,“And this prohibition of not talking a lot is in regard to his own wife.” Thus when people come to your house and they see you minimizing talking to your wife they will make the deduction that surely they should minimize talking to her because she is the wife of another. However such a solution will reasonably cause the husband to be concerned by a probable serious side effect of minimizing conversations with his wife.. He will reason, "If the Sages said that in order to prevent guests from talking too much to my wife that I need to minimize what I say to her – then there is a better solution. It is better not to have guests rather than to minimize having a close relationship with my wife and in particular in speaking with her.” In fact he will reasonably conclude that the mitzva of domestic tranquility is very important and that love between a man and his wife is more important than love amongst others. However his reasoning is rejected as can be seen by the fact that Rav Yehuda HaNasi (the editor of the Mishna) states that we do in fact learn that one must minimize talking to wives of other men even more so then to one’s own wife. That is  because he saw that Yossi ben Yochanon was not concerned with the possibility that minimizing conversation with ones wife would harm the marriage. In fact we learn from this that talking a lot with one’s wife does not result in love and domestic tranquility. The opposite is true. It actually produces much harm. There are three different types of harm. Firstly it causes harm to oneself since it leads to increased sexual relations - that even though that is permitted – it causes physical weakness & deterioration. It is also possible that this will result in premature aging which are called the days of evil. Secondly by spending a great deal of time in conversation with his wife – he forsakes Torah study. Thirdly because he becomes accustomed to spend an excessive amount of time with her, he will come to have sexual intercourse with her even when she is a niddah and thus he will directly sin. This will result in that he will end up going to Gehinom and not returning. That is described by this mishna (Avos 1:5) as “inheriting Gehiniom” since Gehinom will be all that he has.

the key to understand the above is what does the term sicha mean and what is "a lot"

Meiri(Avos 1:5): Don’t have too much sicha (idle conversation) with a woman. The term sicha means speech which has no real purpose which is why people say sicha betalila (conversation with no purpose). For example Avoda Zara (19b) regarding Torah scholars their sicha requires close study. In other words even when they seem to be simply conversing without purpose, there is substance in their words which needs to be carefully studied. Some issue might be alluded to in their words or character or ethics can be gleaned from them.