Is Lonna Kin trying to get an annulment?

GUEST POST: by Shmuel Halevi

After many years of producing many false Seiruvim against Meir Kin, and after her using the Social Media and ORA to condemn Meir, Lonna has appealed to a new Bais Din, “The International Beit Din” of Rabbi Simcha Krauss and Rabbi Ronnie Warburg. This Bais Din was specifically formed for the purpose of issuing annulments. The Frum Orthodox world has never accepted annulments; but only under very rare and exclusive conditions. See: Jewish Week and  Jewish Weekly a letter from the Rogatshover below, strongly condemning annulments.

However a recent Summons to Meir Kin from this Bais Din hints to the upcoming annulment.

After Meir Kin  left her a Get in 2008, see Mishpat Tzedek and Mishpat Tzedek. Lonna still wants to remain obstinate and continue to pretend that she is an Aguna. Meir has remarried with a Heter Mea Rabbonim after years of her prosecuting him in the civil courts and obtaining a Gag-order prohibiting him from divulging certain facts to a Bais Din that would of awarded him custody in a Bais Din. In the next few weeks their son Moshe will be Bar_Mitzva and thanks to Lonna, she had arranged once again in the courts that Meir cannot attend  the Bar Mitzva celebration .  It is after seeing  Lonna for years  maliciously prosecuting Meir in the civil courts, coupled with her muzzling him via the Gag-Order, and refusing to come to Din Torah to dissolve their marriage, did the Bais Din issue a Heter Meah Rabbonim to remarry. Boruch Hashem the new couple seem to be very happy together. While most women after seeing their ex-husbands remarry, end their conflicts and move on, Lonna has refused to do so and instead chooses to pursue  an annulment. Unfortunately ORA has empowered these women to never “NEGOTIATE” a divorce but believe in hard-line arm-twisting, Hamas-style tactics to achieve their goals. Lonna and ORA have even succeeded in getting Meir expelled from Shul. (This in  itself is a future topic for discussion if the Chabad rabbis were justified in doing this to a man who has A Bais Din justifying his position.) 

We have seen these similar social media  tactics play out before, in the Rivky Stein  and Gital Dodelson . see: Youtube   and Youtube    (see the segment at 21:38 minutes where Lonna hints to wanting an annulment.)    One can notice from Rabbi Ronnie Warburg’s letter that   a) his demeanor diminishes any right of Meir in choosing a Bais Din.  Also notice that he doesn’t offer an alternate Bais Din or Zabla option   b)  it shows clear and concise refusal of Lonna to accept his executed GET   c) He declares without ever seeing the GET or hearing testimony from anyone at the GET writing, that it’s a “gerushin al tenai” D) He  clearly acknowledges that A  GET has been prepared on her behalf and if in fact he issues her an annulment despite the GET,  it would be the first time that an orthodox Bais Din would issue an annulment EVEN AFTER LEARNING THAT  A GET HAS BEEN EXECUTED!   

Rabbi Ronnie Warburg, will you be issuing an annulment or another false Seiruv #4 , against a man who responded to your summons? Why would Lonna Kin after issuing Meir 3 false Seiruvim, using strong arm ORA tactics for 10 years with multiple ORA rallies , condemning Meir in the public eye,  suddenly go to a different  Bais Din?

The unfortunate case of Meir and Lonna Kin - the perspective of Meir Kin

The following documents were sent to me by a supporter of Meir Kin - I am willing to publish a similar post from Lonna Kin's perspective. 

THE HIPPOCRISY AND THE LIES FROM THE RABBIS AND ORA  AS WELL AS THE TRUE CREATORS OF AGUNOT :   By Akiva Wasserstein

It is astounding and disgusting how the Rabbis and ORA are knee deep in their corruption as well as their hippocrisy.  Daattorah has covered extensively the fake heter issued to Tamar Friedman to remarry without a Get  by Shmuel Kaminetsky and Nota Greenblatt. Then we see that Aharon Friedman, Tamar’s husband, is still barred from entering shuls in his area despite the fact that she is remarried! Then we have the Bais Din of Rabbi Dovid Feinstein that has ruled that The Kaminetsky heter was erroneous but failed to instruct the couple to separate. They also failed to publish their ruling for public viewing,  after all this can create confusion in the public eye whether a future child is a Mamzer?  Now lets move to a different case where the similar has occurred with Halacha on the mans side but with hippocritical and vicious condemnation of the man. I’m referring to the divorce between Meir and Lonna Kin. Meir has been seeking a Bais Din resolution all along, and Lonna Kin immediately sued him in Divorce court and Family court against halacha! Meir deposited a GET in 2008 at his Bais Din but Lonna has not come to his Bais Din. Meir remarries with a Heter from 100 rabbis and lo and behold the masses came to his own wedding to shame him and his new wife for remarrying with a heter?!

Why is Meir Kin’s Halacha allowed remarriage condemmed, yet  Tamar Friedman s remarriage which was  disallowed  by a Bais Din of the choosing of Kaminetsky and that marriage was accepted without public condemnation?! According to the Torah Tamar has violated a serious Aveira, yet Meir Kin has not?! Why has ORA not organized rallies at Tamar and Adam Fleischer’s home? Why have Tamar and Adam not gotten  kicked out of their local shuls and Aharon Friedman and Meir Kin have? Ladies and gentlemen, this is  A DOUBLE STANDARD, DISTORTION AND CORRUPTION  IN HALOCHO !!!

Now , Lets begin to analyze the Meir/ Lonna Kin case. Most people are ignorant of the facts and do not understand why Lonna Kin has not picked up her Get. The reality is that the Rabbis in Los Angeles and Las Vegas, as well as ORA have essentially “blocked” her from receiving the GET as their continuous aggressive measures against Meir constitutes “kefiya” (coercion)and  according to most poskim, such a GET would be invalidated as active coercion is ongoing. The rabbis and ORA have unsuccessfully ejected him from his local synagogues,  and continue to defame him using the internet and other publications . Rabbi Gestetner, Meir’s Bais Din in Monsey Ny, has repeatedly asked Lonna herself as well as her emissaries who have called him to remove all acts of coercion prior to negotiating an end to this saga. According to Rabbi Gestetner, Halacha dictates that this be a precursor to negotiating delivery of a kosher Get.  Lonna, the Rabbis and Ora have refused to make this first step and therefore 12 years later still have  no Get.  The Rabbis, Lonna Kin, and Ora have essentially assured themselves that Lonna Kin will remain “stuck” so long as the harassment, intimidation and humiliation continues.  How stupid can they be to continue the same strategy for 12 years which yielded no results!   After Meir was expelled from all of las Vegas shuls, the Rabbis and Ora have expended their last bullet and now have no new strategy to end this case. Lonna as well as her 3 daughters have on a ORA website video admitted that their shidduchim have been adversely affected by this  acrimonious divorce.  If Lonna  Kin would stop listening to the bad advice that the rabbis and Ora are giving, and begin to make the necessary steps as outlined by Rabbi Gestetner to remove coercion tactics, then a resolution can be achieved. In the meantime no resolution is possible so long as the rabbis and Ora continue the status quo .  Therefore what we see here is that the very same Rabbis and Ora that shout loud about Agunas,  are in fact the very ones that enable them and prevent the resolution as they seek only methods that empower the feminist women with disregard to a man’s halachic rights.  Until the masses will wake up and stand against these evil Rabbis and Ora , we will see countless women paraded as “Agunot” where in fact they are not Agunot but have statuses as “Moredet”- rebellious women who have violated the Torah on many fronts. Ironically, these women have no right to even receive a GET for their audacious and atrocious crimes committed against their husbands. In the meantime, Meir is happily married while Lonna and her daughters appear stuck in their quest to move on with their life.  In my next article I will explain and cite sources that forbid the expelling of a man from a shul which the rabbis and Ora have been instituting against innocent men.

 ============================================================

From: Shmuel Attal
Sent: Sunday, March 23, 2014 5:47 PM
To: israkin@hotmail.com
Subject: Confidential only for Israel kin

Israel

Due to your present situation,
I would just like to clarify that you are not welcome at our Shul until:

You sign a notarized letter that you are willing, and accept to go to a Beit Din ( besides Rabbi Gestetner/Rabbi Abrahams) to discuss the get with your ex wife.

I don't want to be Mebaysh Pene Chavero Berabim, and this is why I did not ask you to leave the Shul last night, but from today if you come either by yourself, or with others, during weekday, Shabbat or Yom Tov, I will have no other choice but to ask you to leave the Shul.

Rabbi Attal

........................................................

From: Chabadofsummerlin
Sent: Sunday, March 23, 2014 11:44 PM
To: israel kin
Subject: Confidential - for Isreal Meir Kin

Dear Isreal Meir,

Due to the fact that you have entered a new marriage without giving a universally recognized Get, you are no longer welcome in Chabad ofSummerlin and may not attend. I have heard your side of the story and the unfortunate situations that you endured, yet Torah dictates the necessity of a bringing disputes to a proper Beis Din. Once you resolve this issue with a reputable and recognized Beis Din in both Isreal and the US we will be happy to have you back.

Wishing you Haztloch to overcome your obstacles and do what is proper in the eyes of HaShem and in the eyes of man.

Sincerely ,
Rabbi Yisroel Schanowitz

WHY IS IT FORBIDDEN TO EXPEL A MAN FROM A SHUL :   By Akiva Wasserstein

In Shulchan Oruch Orach Chaim , Siman 153 , Seifim 16-22, it discusses halochot pertaining to davening in a shul. In seif 16, the Shulchan Oruch (SA) rules that even in a shul belonging to a private individual, the owner cannot decide to exclude a particular person. This is mentioned in Orchot Chaim as one of the Cherems(ban) of Rabbeinu Gershom.  Rabbeinu Gershom instituted many bans and this was one of them. You can learn more about Rabbeinu Gershoms bans from the Beer Hagolah on the SA at the end of a section on “Nidui Vecherem” (Yoreh Deah 334).  The Mishna Berura s.k.88 cites the Gemara Gittin which talks about the story of Kamtza Bar Kamtza as a reason why it is forbidden to expel someone from a shul. The expelling of Bar Kamtza led to the destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh.  The Tashbetz IV:7 brings another reason. The Rema rules in accordance with his contemporary, Maharam Padua 85, that the Cherem Rabeinu Gershom can be circumvented by arranging an advance stipulation. Essentially, the owner of the shul can first exclude EVERYBODY and afterwards readmit them on condition. However this ruling would be problematic to the Mishne Berura as how can a stipulation be permitted to be used to humiliate a neighbor? The Tashbetz explains that the reason one may exclude an ENTIRE congregation is that we may assume that the congregation as a whole will manage to find another place to daven, whereas an individual does not have this option if there is no other shul as is in the case of Meir Kin who has just 1 shul in his area.  Therefore we see that the evil rabbis today make up halacha as they go, and choose to expel men from shul as they see fit, disregarding the poskim and Cherem Derabeinu Gershom. They continue to  invent the Torah as they go. The sin of expelling a man not only violated the Cherem Rabbeinu Gershom, but causes these men untold public shame which we know the Gemoro states that a person who shames one in public loses their share in Olom Haba. It is my sincere hope that my articles penetrates the hearts of these rabbis/activists and lend them understanding that not only are they guilty of heinous crimes in the eyes of Hashem, but that their tactics have served no purpose as kicking out Meir Kin and Aharon Friedman have not helped achieve a Get on behalf of Tamar Friedman or Lonna Kin.  Attempting to extort a Get  from a man by violating the Torah is like going to the Mikva while holding a dead insect in your hand.  After the conclusion of the Mendel Epstein debacle, the world can see that these rabbis have been committing fraudulent acts under the “DISGUISE” of helping women receive a GET. The time has come to change gears and approach hilchot Gittin the correct way by using Torah principles and by approaching resolution using Darkei Noam.

TJC Inteview with Lonna Kin - one side of a two sided story

TheJewishChannelTJC  

Lawsuit Targeting Jewish Organizations in Agunah Case Dismissed

 https://jewishlink.news/lawsuit-targeting-jewish-organizations-in-agunah-case-dismissed/

In October 2023, Ari Satz sued ORA, its executive director Keshet Starr and The Jewish Link, as well as a Bergenfield rabbi who had been involved with advocating for the get. Ari Satz claimed that the photograph that was printed in ORA’s flyer violated his privacy, and that those who shared the flyer had defamed him and purposely made him appear “disheveled.” The lawsuit sought $30 million in damages.

Ari Satz

 https://www.getora.org/satz

FACTS:

● Ari and Chavi married in 2006 and separated

in 2018.

● Ari has been refusing to give Chavi a get, a

Jewish bill of divorce.

● Without a get, Chavi is unable to remarry and is

left an agunah, chained to a dead marriage.

● Vaad Hadin of New City issued a psak

against Ari, stating that he is a sarvan ladin

(recalcitrant to submit to beis din) and that he is

obligated to give Chavi a get

Vaad Hadin V'Horaah Rabbinical Court of New City

 https://draft.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/7309929059139673041/7957025664687320385

OUR HISTORY

Vaad Hadin V’Horaah Bais Din has established a strong reputation for conducting its affairs permeated with the highest levels of the Torah based integrity in all matters of adjudication concerning commercial, communal, and matrimonial conflicts.  Vaad Hadin V’Horaah was founded by Rabbi Avraham Kahan. The Bais Din’s operations originated in Eretz Yisroel and have since moved its prime location to New City, NY. At the present time Rabbi Tzvi Gartner, shlita is the leading Dayan of the Eretz Yisroel branch.

Complaint,Petition: Avraham Kahan v. Allen J. Satz a/k/a Ari Satz

Just received the following email I know nothing about the case

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Hi,

I am being sued by Avi Kahan for posting factual information about his involvement in the divorce industry.

I thought you might be interested to know

https://trellis.law/doc/201235453/complaint

Rabbi Avi Kahan

Rabbi Avi Kahan - Amudim Livestream Sep 17, 2019 from Amudim on Vimeo.

Are the Jews all right? US retailers puzzled as kosher goods gather dust ahead of Passover

 https://www.ynetnews.com/article/ryfx9sfl0?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=internal

The reason for the early sales has less to do with retailers aligning with the Jewish faith and more with a case of "mistiming." In the United States, operations are guided by the Gregorian calendar, where most non-Jewish holidays occur on fixed dates that repeat annually. When one holiday ends, grocery stores stock up for the next one on the list. 

For instance, as the unsold Easter chocolate eggs are cleared, matzah arrives on the shelves, regardless of whether it's too early to purchase them or not.

Leap years, like this one, are a concept most retailers have never heard of. Hence, Shani Seidman, the chief marketing officer of Kayco, the largest distributor of kosher food in America, found her phone ringing nonstop. "Supermarkets are calling me, worried and wondering why the products aren't selling,” she says.

Dems roast Trump for appearing to sleep in court

 https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4595663-trump-appearing-sleep-court-ny-hush-money/

Others on X argued that if Biden appeared to sleep during a similar moment, it would be a major story. Leah Greenberg, co-executive director of the progressive group Indivisible, posted on the social platform X, “you know what this means: it’s time for another round of stories about Biden’s age.”

Additionally, journalist Jemele Hill argued in a post, “Now had this been Biden, it would have been the lead story on every newscast and Fox News would have talked about this for weeks.”

Rachel Maddow, MSNBC Anchors Laugh it Up Over ‘Sleepy’ Trump at Trial

 https://www.thedailybeast.com/rachel-maddow-and-msnbc-anchors-laugh-it-up-over-sleepy-trump-at-trial?ref=home

Following Hayes, MSNBC anchor Nicolle Wallace commented on how those in right-wing media would react if Monday’s situation were reversed and it was Biden in court.

“The entire crux of the campaign against Joe Biden…is about his feebleness, and Donald Trump fell asleep on the first day of his criminal trial,” she said matter-of-factly. “If the parties were flipped, that would be everywhere.”

Chanifa: Acting differently than what you feel is viewed by Chazal as a serious sin - So why do they require being me'urav im habrios (acting like everyone else) even while your true thoughts and feelings are never revealed?

see previous post "good chanifa"

Ksav Sofer (Bereishis 28:20): If You give me bread to eat and clothes to wear…Medrash Rabba (70:5) explains this verse in various ways. For example “bread” is referring to Torah, while “clothing” is referring to a talis. Meaning that if a person merits Torah he will also merit a talis. See Yafes To'ar which says that the garment referred to here is the rabbinic clothing which had tzitzis in it. In my opinion it is best explained according to Shabbos (114a), “Who is a talmid chachom? One who knows he should always wear his garments right side out. This is in accord with the view of the Chovas HaLevavos (Shaar Prishus 4), “Intelligent people have joy on their face while they mourn in their heart.” That is because those who are intelligent despise the nonsense of this world. Nevertheless it is necessary that they mingle well with others and are not isolated and therefore they have to show a cheerful face to the world and not reveal their inner feelings of mourning. Thus we see a talmid chachom has to appear properly to others but he should not reveal what is truly in his heart. This is actually the intent when Chazal said, “Who is a talmid chachom? One who knows to reverse his clothing i.e., that he should be different and separate from those who are invested in the mundane world and he should keep his heart away from them. Thus his thoughts are not their thoughts and he needs to be able to reverse his garment (exterior) so that it doesn’t reveal what is in his heart before the masses and they should not even be aware that he thinks and feels differently than them – as the Chovas HaLevavos has explained. This is the explanation of the medrash, “When a person merits Torah he merits a talis.” He learns to conceal his true feelings so that others have no idea what is going on in his deepest thoughts – in order that he can participate in human society (me’urav im habrios). G-d in fact helps him that he should not be influenced by them but rather his heart should be completely with G-d and His Torah. This in fact is what Yaakov was asking from G-d, “If You give me bread to eat and clothing to wear.” Bread is referring to Torah. However you must understand that it is impossible to be isolated from other people when you are with them. That is why Yaakov also requested “clothing to wear” as we mentioned before. Perhaps we can use this to explain the words of Hillel (Sukka 53a), “If I am here then everyone is here.” In other words one should not separate himself or act differently in the presence of others. He should not look depressed and bitter so that others avoid him. However when he is by himself he should think “Who am I? What is this worthless life? And when I am by myself what am I truly?” There is much more to discuss on this topic.

Good Chanifa (chanufa) - the basis of personal mental health and a healthy society

update see talmid chachom should conceal his true feelings
Last week Dr. Shulem I were discussing the issue of Psychology and Judaism. The question was raised regarding the mental dynamics that a rabbi and a psychologist have to assess and prescribe changes when a person reports not functioning well.

One of the issues that I have noted is the ignorance of the multiple roles that a healthy and successful Jew lives with. For example Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz once discussed the condemnation by Rav Schach of Rabbi Steinzaltz when he described certain Biblical figures as having human motivations. He noted that this was an example of not knowing, "what issues to discuss over chulent at a Shabbos seuda and what should be published in a book." It is not that the issues raised were wrong - but they were brought up in the wrong forum. Of course this is issue applies also to non-Jewish groups also when dealing with a wide range of information.

Another example is the kollel avreich who commented to me that he was in major trouble with his wife. The day before he had had a rough day in kollel. The gemora didn't make sense to him. His chavrusa was in an antagonistic mood and in general the day hadn't worked out. He went home and lamented that fact that "his learning wasn't working out and he felt in a rut." His wife went ballistic and said, "I have been slaving and sacrificing for 20 years so you can learn in kollel and now you tell me you are not getting anything out of it!"

רע"ב על מסכת אבות פרק א משנה ה
 מכאן אמרו חכמים - רבינו הקדוש בסדר המשניות כתבה מדברי חכם זה שאמר ואל תרבה שיחה עם האשה למדו חכמים לומר כל זמן שאדם מרבה שיחה עם האשה גורם רעה לעצמו. מצאתי כתוב כשאדם מספר לאשתו קורותיו כך וכך אירע לי עם פלוני היא מלמדתו לחרחר ריב. כגון קרח שספר לאשתו מה שעשה משה שהניף את הלוים תנופה והביאתו בדברים לידי מחלוקת. א"נ מתוך שהוא מספר לה שחבריו גנוהו וביישוהו אף היא מבזה אותו בלבה וזה גורם רעה לעצמו:


Another example is the man who came to me with a destroyed marriage. It turns out he was very insistent on total honesty. His marriage was destroyed from the beginning when he told his new bride in the yichud room that she was so wonderful - "that she was almost everything he had spent 20 years looking for in a wife."

These examples are indicative that it is important not to present information in many situations without considering the consequences. This spin or modification of presenting the truth is described by our sages as chanifa (translated as hypocrisy or false flattery or saying one thing with your mouth but thinking something different in your heart). Most people think that chanifa is bad. In fact Chazal tell use that it is permitted to say lashon harah about those who are engaged in chanifa. That they lose their olam habah- in fact Rabbeinu Yonah describes 9 examples of chanifa.

But in fact there is good chanifa and bad chanifa. Kesubos (17a) is another example of good chanifa. "The gemoras asks praise should one say before a kallah at the wedding. And Beis Hillel answers that you should say that she is wonderful and kind. Beis Shamai asks , "But what if that is a lie." Beis  Hillel persists and says that this is the way that any normal member of society should react to the choice that another persons makes - whether it is buying a car or chosing a wife." The Sages say we learn from this that a person should always be me'urav im habrios [which seems to be chanifa]. So even though geneivas daas is prohibited, it is in fact required in some situations.

Good chanifa is widely used in education.

Bava Metzia (85a): Rabbi chanced to visit the town of R. Eleazar son of R. Simeon.14 ‘Did that righteous man leave a son?’ he inquired. ‘Yes,’ they replied; ‘and every harlot whose hire is two [zuz], hires him for eight.’15 So he had him brought [before him], ordained him a Rabbi,16 and entrusted him to R. Simeon b. Issi b. Lakonia, his mother's brother [to be educated]. Every day he would say, ‘I am going to my town; to which he [his instructor] replied, ‘They have made you a Sage, spread over you a gold trimmed cloak [at the ceremony of ordination] and designated you "Rabbi", and yet you say, I am going back to my town!’ Said he, ‘I swear that this [my desire] has been abandoned.’ When he became a great [scholar], he went and sat in Rabbi's academy. On hearing his voice, he [Rabbi] observed: ‘This voice is similar to that of R. Eleazar son of R. Simeon.’ ‘He is his son,’ they [his disciples] told him. Thereupon he applied to him the verse, The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.17 [Thus:] ‘The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life’ — this refers to R. Jose, the son of R. Eleazar, the son of R. Simeon;18 ‘And he that winneth souls is wise’ — to R. Simeon b. Issi b. Lakonia. When he died, he was carried to his father's burial vault, which was encompassed by a snake. ‘O snake, O snake,’ they adjured it, ‘open thy mouth and let the son enter to his father;’ but it would not uncoil for them. Now, the people thought that one was greater than the other,19 but there issued a Heavenly Voice, proclaiming: ‘It is not because one is greater than the other, but because one underwent the suffering of the cave, and the other did not.

Menoras HaMe'or(Chapter 20 Derech Eretz): A person should always mix properly with others. That means rejoicing with those who are celebrating, worrying with those who are upset, and suffering with the sufferers. He should not jest with those who are crying nor cry with those who are jesting. He should not be awake amongst those who are sleeping nor sleep amongst those who are awake. He should not stand amongst those who are sitting not sit amongst those who are standing. The general rule is that a person should not exhibit characteristics that differ from others if his intent is for good and for the sake of heaven. He should be tolerant and forbearing and nullify his will before the will of others.

תולדות יצחק בראשית לז

הספק השלישי, מה הכוונה במה שאמר כי בן זקונים הוא לו, שאם הכוונה שנולד לעת זקנתו, גם כל בניו נולדו לזקוניו, ויששכר וזבולן אינם גדולים מיוסף רק בשנה, וכמו שהקשה הרמב"ן, ואם הכוונה בר חכים הוא ליה, למה אמר "לו", שמי שהוא חכם לכל העולם הוא חכם:

התשובה שרז"ל אמרו לא יהא אדם עומד בין היושבים ולא יושב בין העומדים ולא עצב בין השמחים ולא שמח בין העצבים אלא לעולם תהא דעתו של אדם מעורבת עם הבריות [עי' כתובות יז א, דא"ז ה], לזה אמר שיוסף היה גאה עם הגאים ונער עם הנערים וחכם עם החכמים, וזהו היה רועה את אחיו שהיו גאים היה רועה ומנהיגם ומשתרר עליהם והם אחיו בני לאה, ועם בני בלהה ובני זלפה שהיו עושים מעשה נערות היה נער עמהם ומסלסל בשערו:

וישראל אהב את יוסף מכל בניו כי בן זקונים הוא לו שהיה זקן עמו, וזהו לו שעמו היה חכם:

There are many other examples of good chanifa - and in fact it seems that society can  not function without it. Even G-d is reported to have lied for the sake of Avraham's shalom bayis. A person who doesn't know how and when to be involved in "presentational spin" will not be a successful or healthy member of society. If a person mechanically reports the same facts to his kids as he says to his wife or the same facts to a stranger that he shares with his wife - he is in big trouble.

What we both realized is the bizarre fact that neither of us was aware where the importance and centrality of good chanifa is discussed in the Torah literature or in the psychological literature. Sources would be greatly appreciated.

Chanufa - why flattering the rich is not only permitted but required

 Pele Yoetz (Chanufa): The great evil of chanifa (flattery) is explicitly expressed in the Talmud and medrashim. A pure man – Rav Chaim Vital – has collected the relevant material in his holy sefer Sha’arei Kedusha. A G-d fearing man who studies his sefer will strongly oppose chanifa and this will be firmly implanted in his mind. Nevertheless it is necessary to clarify precisely what chanifa is. That is because there are types of flattery which are not prohibited as chanifa but those who lack proper halachic understanding insist that they are prohibited. For example they mistakenly consider a person who honors a wealthy man as being a flatterer while someone who protests against and ridicules the rich takes pride in his disparagement and claims that he does not know how to flatter. However he greatly errs in what he says because it is in fact proper and fitting to show respect to the wealthy – as we see that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and Rabbi Akiva honored the rich (Eiruvin 86a). The reason is that because G-d desires that this man be valued and He therefore has bestowed upon him an abundance of blessings from Above – we are also obligated to honor him. This is especially true for any person who has been the beneficiary of the rich person that he is clearly obligated to honor him. Furthermore the rich person since he has more possessions he is more likely to increase the amount of mitzvos and good deed that he does – compared to the less wealthy and this in turn reverses the spiritual damage done by his sins. Therefore it is appropriate to show him some respect - even if he has done something inappropriate and has deviated slightly from the correct path - and consequently he shouldn't demean the rich man as much as a poor man. We learn this from Pesachim (53a) where the Sages say, "If it were not that you are Todus we would excommunicate you." It is explained that they moderated their criticism because he provide food for Torah scholars.

In fact the prohibition of chanifa (flattery) applies only in two situations – the first is difficult while the second is even more so. The first situation is when someone who looks friendly and acts in a very loving manner – and yet his mouth and his heart are not the same. With his mouth he speaks words of peace while inside himself he is plotting to trap the other person. And even if he in fact is not the enemy and has no interest in harming the other in anyway - nonetheless every instance in which he appears to have greater love and greater respect for the other person then he actually feels – he has transgressed the sin of chanifa.

Nevertheless there is an exception to the first type chanifa of prohibiting acting and speaking differently then you feel. Our Sages have permitted this type of hypocrisy in dealing with one's spouse in order to have shalom bayis, one's teacher in order to learn Torah, and even with evil men in order to have peace and minimize disputes (darchei shalom).

However the second type of chanifa is evil and bitter and involves saying to an evil person that he is good and not chastising him or protesting against his evil act - even when he is capable of doing so. Not only will he be held accountable for the sinful transgression of the evil person – as if he had done it himself - but in addition he will be surely be punished for the major sin of chanifa. A pure person who fears G d should not show favoritism to the poor nor the wealthy or powerful nor should he act out of concern that he will lose honor or benefit. His sole concern should be to trust in G d that He will not withhold good from those who conduct themselves with pure faith. In fact all those who increase the honor of Heaven will find that their own honor increases and he will not lack what he needs. In fact he should roar like a lion and raise his voice like a shofar to protest against those sinners who might listen to him...