My philosophy for a happy life | Sam Berns TED video

First Chareidi Conference about the problems of attention and concentration

bhol

ראשי ישיבות, מגידי שיעורים, משגיחים, מנהלי ת"תים, מחנכים ומלמדים - לצד אלפי אבות שהחינוך בראש מעייניהם, השתתפו בועידה השנתית של ארגון "חיים של תורה", שהתקיימה באולמי תמיר בירושלים, ועסקה בשלושה נושאים: הגדרת הזהות האישית; קשב וריכוז והתמודדות. 

ועדת ההיגוי של הארגון ישבה על המדוכה והגיעה למסקנה שבמלחמה בדור הזה על נפש הנער, עומדים על סדר היום שלושת נושאים אלו, שהכרה בהם יכולה להביא הצלחה אדירה במלאכת החינוך. 

את הועידה הנחה הרב אהרן יהודה פרלשטיין מנהל ת"ת מחזיקי הדת בב"ב - והיא חולקה לשלושה מושבים. במושב הראשון הציג הרב חיים צבי יאקאב מנהל הת"ת הכלל חסידי באשדוד, מחקר פורץ דרך סביב הזהות האישית שלנו ושל תלמידינו באמצעות מצגת. אחריו דיבר יו"ר ארגון חיים של תורה העולמי הרה"ג רבי פנחס וינד שהציג את החלק הרוחני, החינוכי והתורני של הגדרת האישיות העצמית, כרכיב חשוב בעבודת הר"מ הפרטי. 

המושב השני נפתח עם הרצאתו של איש החינוך הרב מרדכי בארי שפתח את עולם הפרעת הקשב והריכוז, ההתמודדות עמה והטיפול בה. הרב בארי נתן דגש בעיקר על עולם הישיבות, על רקע חוסר הפעילות בתחום הקשב והריכוז בישיבות. 

בנוסף, התנהל פאנל מרתק בהנחיית הרב שלום פרסטר, מחנך בכיר ב"חיים של תורה" ומומחה בתחום החינוך הפרטני. הפאנל הציג מציאות דרמטית של ההתמודדות יחד עם חמש דמויות ממגוון עולם החינוך. 

במושב השלישי העניק המגיד הרב משה בויאר, הרצאה מרתקת.

Police investigate video of principal, boy - decide not to press any charges

update:Times of Israel

State police are investigating the incident, according to the Journal News, the local paper that first reported the incident. 

Christopher Borek, the chief assistant district attorney for Orange County, said his office had received a copy of the video but declined to say whether or not the incident is under investigation. 

“I can tell you that in general our office treats all allegations of sexual abuse of children as extremely serious,” Borek told JTA, noting that a designated unit handles such allegations. “We never comment on investigations even to confirm if the investigation is ongoing or not unless or until charges are filed.”

The following seems to be a false report based on a surveilance video which was understood by those who put it on the internet as being an example of abuse - when in fact no abuse took place. It illustrates what was mentioned in a previous report of people willing to destroy the reputation of individuals without proper investigation and concern for what actually happened.

 =======================================================

lohud

State police are investigating a video purporting to show a school principal in close physical contact with a young boy in the Orange County village of Kiryas Joel.

The video was widely circulated on the Internet Monday.

The video camera appears to have been in the ceiling of the principal's office. An 11-minute version of the video shows a man sitting down at a desk and drawing the boy to him. As the boys stands between the man's legs, the man appears to stroke the boy's face and kiss him several times, shaking him occasionally and pulling him closer. Both remain clothed.

An administrator at the ultra Orthodox Jewish school, United Talmudical Academy, could not be reached. A call to the principal was not returned.

“We have received the video. We have looked at it,” Major Joseph Tripodo, commander of New York State Police Troop F in Middletown said. Tripodo said state police investigators have been looking into the matter along with the District Attorney’s Office and the Orange County Child Abuse Unit. He said it was premature to say whether a crime was committed.

He said police had the video before it began circulating on the Internet Monday but he would not say how long ago they began their investigation. He declined to discuss details of the tape or whether the principal has been questioned. He said “it hasn’t been determined” what exactly is happening in the video but that police are trying to have it enhanced as part of the investigation. [...]

Forward    reports having read the above article

============================
kikar haShabbat

הרשת סוערת: האם המלמד מתעלל בילד?

ברשתות החברתיות מופץ סרטון מזעזע בו נראה אדם בעל תפקיד חינוכי בחיידר בארה"ב מתעלל בילד. לפי חלק מהטענות, התיק נסגר לאחר שהתברר לחוקרים כי לא מדובר בהתעללות בילד (חדשות)

בשנים האחרונות הולכת וגוברת המודעות בציבור החרדי לטיפול אמיתי בתופעות חמורות של התעללות בילדים אם במקומות העבודה או הלימודים ואם בתוך הבית במסגרת המשפחתית, השם ירחם, וגם רבני הקהילות מורים לטפל בעניין במלוא הרצינות והחומרה זאת על מנת שחלילה תופעות שכאלו לא ישנו ויעקרו מתוך המחנה.

לעיתים הרבנים מורים להתייעץ עם העסקנים המוסמכים המפנים ליועצים חינוכיים ,פסיכולוגים או עובדים סוציאלים ולעיתים כשהדבר לובש חשש של היבט פלילי מערבים אף את רשויות החוק וחוקרי המשטרה הכל מתוך רגישות מירבית במטרה להביא לתועלת.

בימים אלו מופץ ברשתות החברתיות סרטון מזעזע, שכפי הנראה צולם כבר לפני כשנה, בו נראה אדם בעל תפקיד חינוכי בחיידר מוכר בארה"ב כשהוא מתעלל לכאורה בתלמיד ילד בגילאי 6-8.

הסרטון גרם לזעזוע ותחושות של חלחלה בקרב רבים שטענו כי יש למצוא את האשמים ולהעמיד אותם על עונשם.

 [...]

לדברי גורמים המכירים את המקרה, התובע בניו יורק שחקר ובדק את המקרה, ושמע את גרסת הילד, ההורים והמלמד, סגר את התיק מאחר ובדיקתו העלתה כי מדובר במחנך מזה 45 שנה שמעולם לא הוגשה נגדו תלונה וכי התברר כי מדובר בהתמסרות לתלמיד בלבד

Acharei Mos; Are We Not Concerned About Animal Blood? by Rabbi Shlomo Pollak

The Torah instructs us to cover the blood of a bird or WILD animal, that we slaughtered. We call that, the Mitzvah of "Kisoi HaDam". The Torah elaborates, in the next "Posuck", why we must not leave the blood uncovered...כִּי-נֶפֶשׁ כָּל-בָּשָׂר, דָּמוֹ בְנַפְשׁוֹ הוּא.

However, the Torah does not tell us to do Kisoi HaDam on the blood of domesticated animals (cow, sheep, or goat). In fact, the Halachah is that there is no Mitzvah of Kisoi HaDam on animals....

But, Why not?!.....כִּי-נֶפֶשׁ כָּל-בָּשָׂר, דָּמוֹ בְנַפְשׁוֹ הוּא.. 

We first must explain, the reason the Torah is giving us for this unique Mitzvah, and then we can try to understand why it doesn't apply for domesticated animals as well.....

For questions and comments please email us at salmahshleima@gmail.com

Conversion program for children?

http://giyur.org.il/אודות/http://giyur.org.il/אודות/

The Origins of the Non-Jewish Custom Of ‘Shlissel Challah’ (Key Bread) “The Loaf of Idolatry?”

update: Rabbi Yair Hoffman who is critical of the following article

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/04/schlissel-challah-analysis-by-rabbi.html

Shlissel     By Shelomo Alfassa

Introduction

Every year Jewish women, young and old, partake in an Ashkenazi[1] custom to place a key (such as a door key to a home), inside the dough of a loaf of bread that they bake.[2] This custom is known as shlissel challah—shlissel from the German language shlüssel (key) and challah or hallah from the Hebrew for bread.[3] While a metal key is often baked within the bread, some form the bread itself into the shape of a key or even arrange sesame seeds on top in the form of a key.[4] Often times, these women gather in celebratory groups with the common belief that baking the shlissel challah will bring blessing into their homes, and specifically, the blessing of increased fiscal livelihood. There is also a seemingly new ‘custom’ of baking shlissel challah in the “merit” of a sick person, as a way of helping them recover from physical disease or trauma.[5] A poll on the popular Orthodox Jewish website imamother.com asked participants: “How do you make your schlissel [sic] challah?”[6] The 88 respondants reported: In the shape of a key 13% [12]; With a key baked in it 61% [54]; Neither, I don't do this 17% [15]; Other 7% [7].

Non-Jewish Origins

The baking of a key inside a bread is a non-Jewish custom which has its foundation in Christian, and possibly even earlier, pagan culture. At least one old Irish source tells how at times when a town was under attack, the men said, “let our women-folk be instructed in the art of baking cakes containing keys.”[7]

Keys were traditionally manufactured in the form of a cross, the traditional symbol of Christianity,[8] a physical item all Christian commoners would posses in their home.[9]On Easter, the Christian holiday which celebrates the idea of Jesus ‘rising’ from the dead, they would bake the symbol of Jesus—the key shaped like a cross—into or onto a rising loaf.[10] This was not only a religious gesture, but the bread was a special holiday treat. Sometimes these breads were wholly formed in the shape of a cross; other times the shape of a cross was made out of dough and applied on top. In the context of historically baking a key into bread—the key itself, intrinsically, was a symbol of Christianity and by extension symbolized Jesus ‘rising’ in the dough.[11]

Connection to Passover

The modern Jewish custom of baking the symbolic shlissel challah, annually takes place on the shabbat immediately following the holiday of Pessah, when tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of religiously observant Jewish women[12] practice this observance.

In Christianity, baked goods associated with keys are commonly called ‘Easter breads,’[13] and in Europe they are also known as ‘Paschals,’[14] as the holiday of Easter in the East is known as ‘Pascha’ or ‘Pascua.’ This is most likely the reason Christians often call Easter breads baked with keys Paschals.[15] Before the Romans destroyed theBeit HaMikdash (the holy Temple) in Jerusalem, the focus of the Passover holiday for the Jewish people was the Korban Pessah (lit. Pessah sacrifice, also known as thePaschal Lamb[16]). Within Christianity, Jesus is known as the ‘Paschal Lamb.’

Geographic Origins

Professor Marvin Herzog, a world renowned Yiddish linguist at Columbia University tells that dough twisted in the form of a key (among other shapes such as a ladder) were found to top challah loafs in Poland, “…the distribution of some of these things was a regional matter.”[17] As an example of the regionality, Prof. Herzog created a map demonstrating where dough was shaped as a ladder and placed on challah, and how it was specific only to certain communities and was not universal. Insomuch as a ladder motif was regional, it can be conjectured that the use of a key or key motif could have evolved the same way. Both a ladder and a key are symbolic as tools that could metaphysically help one attain heaven, as they both help ‘gain access.’

Lack of Sources

While the custom is said to be mentioned in the writings of Avraham Yehoshua Heshel (the “Apter Rav” 1748-1825) and in the Ta’amei ha-Minhagim (1891), there is no one clear source for shlissel challah. And while people will say there is a passuq attributed to it, there is not. And, even if there were, a passuq that can be linked to the practice is not the same as a source. Micha Berger, founder of the AishDas Society, [orthodox] calls this type of logic ‘reverse engineering,’ it’s like drawing a circle around an arrow in a tree, and subsequently declaring the arrow is a bullseye.[18] The idea of baking shlissel challah is not from the Torah; it’s not in the Tannaitic, Amoraitic, Savoraitic, Gaonic or Rishonic literature. Rabbi Shlomo Aviner of Israel’s Yeshivat Ateret Yerushalayim said that while baking challah with a key in it is not forbidden, “there is no meaning in doing so.”[19] Rabbi Moshe Ben-Chaim[20] of Mesora.Org [orthodox] teaches that:

The Torah teaches that Hashem punishes the wicked, and rewards the righteous. It does not say that challah baking or any other activity will help address our needs…When the matriarchs were barren, they did not resort to segulas, but introspected and prayed…Nothing in Torah supports this concept of segula; Torah sources reject the idea of a segula…baking challas with brachos cannot help…segulas are useless, and violate the Torah prohibition of Nichush [good luck charms]. It does not matter if the charm is a rabbit’s foot, a horseshoe, a challah, key or a red bendel. The practice assumes that forces exist, which do not, and it is idolatrous.[21]

Rabbi Reuven Mann, Principal of Yeshiva B'nei Torah in Far Rockaway, New York [orthodox] says one should ask themselves: “What connection is there between putting a key in the dough of a challah (schlissel challah) and the improvement of my material situation (parnasa)?”[22] He says:

The dangers of deviation are very great. For by inventing new practices not prescribed by Torah one, in fact, implicitly denies the Torah. He is in effect saying that the Torah is not perfect, for it does not work in my case, and there are other man made practices out there which will work for me. In effect this is a negation of Torah and constitutes a form of idolatry, heaven forbid….[this] indicates that a person has lost faith in the authentic prescriptions of Torah. By performing these “unauthorized actions” one is implicitly affirming that there are other “forces” out there besides God which will respond to the needs of the performer of these ritualistic practices. This constitutes a form of “Avodah Zorah.” [...]

PROGRAMS HELP LIBERATE ‘CHAINED’ ORTHODOX JEWISH WOMEN

city and state NY

Last December, Mendel Epstein, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi in Brooklyn, was convicted of conspiring to kidnap and torture men who had refused to give their wives a Jewish divorce, known as a “get.” The case – which was investigated by the FBI and resulted in a 10-year prison sentence for Epstein – generated sensational tabloid and national media coverage. (The Daily News nicknamed Epstein “The Prodfather,” for his alleged use of a cattle prod to coerce husbands to provide a divorce.)

But lost amid the macabre details of the Epstein case was a much more widespread problem that persists in the tight-knit Orthodox communities in Williamsburg, Crown Heights, Borough Park and Flatbush: Many Orthodox Jewish women seeking to escape abusive or defunct marriages face a system that is stacked against them, sometimes trapping them as “chained women” for years on end. And as such cases have become increasingly prevalent, advocates, social services agencies and lawyers have teamed up in an effort to provide women with the resources and representation that they need.
At the core of the Jewish divorce system is the get, a divorce document that can only be provided by a husband to his wife in a Jewish court, a forum which arbitrates matrimony matters under religious law. In the case that a husband continually refuses to grant the get, despite his marriage being defunct, his wife is said to be “agunah,” or chained to him, unable to pursue remarriage or bear legitimate children within the Orthodox Jewish community.

While many Jewish scholars say that a get should never be refused once a marriage is functionally over, advocates say that, in many cases, husbands will use the get as a way to gain the upper hand in a divorce.

“Husbands will refuse the get and use it as a form of blackmail to extort concessions,” said Orly Kusher, staff attorney at Sanctuary for Families’ Orthodox Jewish Matrimonial Project, which recently launched due to an influx of get refusal cases. “They’ll say, ‘I won’t give you the Jewish divorce unless you give me custody of the kids, or a large sum of money – give me $30,000 and then I’ll give you the get.’ Our view here at Sanctuary – and why it ties in with our work with domestic violence victims – is that we see the refusal to give a get, in and of itself, as a form of abuse.”

According to social service workers, fear over the refusal of the get is just one of a host of conditions that can lead Orthodox women to stay in abusive relationships.

“The idea of ‘shalom bayit,’ or peace in the home, is a central tenet of Jewish marriage,” said Shoshannah Frydman, director of family violence services at the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty. “Women are socialized to be mothers and homemakers, so speaking up about an abusive relationship can be seen within the community as a personal failing to uphold that peace.”

Due to the stigma attached to divorce and domestic abuse issues, Frydman says that many women fear that escaping an abusive relationship will hurt their children’s chances of finding a suitable partner during the “shidduch,” or matchmaking process that arranges marriages within the community.

“Some women will only contact us about abuse when their last child gets married off,” Frydman said. “One of our clients has two daughters who are in their 20s and are unmarried. They are begging their mother to stay in her marriage because they are afraid it will hurt their chances. But they understand why she wants to leave.”

Frydman also says that Orthodox women feel incredible societal and religious pressure to keep their families intact.

“Who will say kiddush (a Jewish prayer) over the wine? That’s seen as a male role,” Frydman said. “What is it like to have a Passover seder without a family? And then there are the very harsh financial realities: kosher food costs more; entering the workforce and supporting themselves and their children apart from their husbands is often extremely challenging, especially because these are often large families.”

Given these forces, Kusher says that it is important for women to have legal support early on in the matrimony process, which gives them the strongest chance of navigating the system successfully. In response to this need, the Orthodox Jewish Matrimony Project, which Kusher heads, provides representation for Orthodox women in divorce, custody, visitation and child support hearings in both civil and Jewish courts, as well as connects clients to in-house counseling, shelter and job training services.

“Ideally, we want to have the client to come to us before she’s already been refused a get,” Kusher said. “Let’s say she’s just thinking of getting a divorce. She’s in an abusive situation. Hopefully we can contact that client early, because if we are representing her from the beginning, we can give her the best advice and counsel for her case, as opposed to if she already tried to go to a certain Jewish court and maybe things already happened in that court and she’s bound to a certain forum, we would still advocate for her, but we can’t necessarily undo things that have already been done.”

Rabbi Shlomo Weissmann, who presides over matrimony proceedings at the Beth Din of America, a forum favored by advocates due to its more sympathetic treatment of women than other, more conservative Jewish courts, says that it’s important for women to be guided through the process by experts.[...]

The "space cadets" of the chareidi world - whose minds are not where their bodies are: The impact of cells phones on awareness of others

I received these observations with permission to publish them anonymously. In the ongoing discussion of the impact of modern technology are who we are and how we relate to others.

Here in Beitar I regularly witness the following:

men listening to their recordings as they walk in the street totally unaware of their surroundings, of each other, of the traffic

men on the phone in the street totally unaware of their surroundings

men in stores on the phone to their wives taking instructions totally unaware that there are other people in the store and moving their person around without any consideration for people in front, behind or at the side.

mothers pushing their agolas with one hand and phone in the other hand conversing while little/tiny children trail behind totally unattended at the mercy of the traffic here and of the distracted drivers also on the phone

mother actually crossing the road on the phone with little kids in tow.  i yell at them in english and tell them to put their phones away and look after their kids.  it only raises my blood pressure :-)

fathers crossing the road doing the same as above - i do the same and some do listen if i do it nicely.

i saw - twice now - a young father on an electric bike with little kid on the crossbar, no helmets, on the phone weaving in and out of parked cars and the traffic on a main street.  when i accosted him he just grinned maniacally and continued on his way.  i have given up... can't change the world.

people are not in "the now".  they are somewhere else.

a generation of kids are here where their mothers don't speak to them outdoors because they are busy on their phones.  to me the kids look lost and bewildered and neglected.  maybe it's indoors too.

men of all ages riding electric bikes on the crowded sidewalks - one of those could kill or maim.  

what happened to "Bein Odom LeChaveiroh" i ask here.  they can talk for three hours about an esrog and wrongly park in a handicapped driver's place without batting an eyelid.

Some links to the work of Amudim concerning abuse and addiction

Video Amudim produced about sexual abuse: https://www.facebook.com/amudimorg/videos/vb.753842034667791/1109146575804000/?type=2&theater

Video Amudim produced about addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbfN99tnat8

Hamodia Article this week:  http://hamodia.com/2016/05/03/a-piercing-email/

vos is neais article quoting Amudim: http://www.vosizneias.com/237764/2016/05/04/new-york-orthodox-groups-remain-divided-as-markey-bill-highlighted-in-albany/

Poster child for OTD - allegedly hatched murder plot! Cops: Ramapo podiatrist, girlfriend plotted to kill wife

Jewish Week

As ex-chasidic mom fights for her kids, Rockland judge’s ruling favors husband amid abuse allegations.  

 

When a chasidic husband and wife in the midst of a bitter custody battle want to go their own very separate ways, what’s in the “best interest” of their three young children who have only known the religious and cultural cocoon of upstate Monsey?

 

That question, a thorny one even when the parents’ breakup is amicable, takes on added emotional freight in the case of Kelly Gribeluk (Myzner) vs. Guillermo (Moshe) Gribeluk, the couple that until recently shared a home in the Satmar enclave. There are allegations that the father is physically, and perhaps sexually, abusing the children. And there is the mother’s vow, relayed in court documents, to take the three boys away from the only religious community they have known and instead raise them in a secular Jewish environment. 

 

Add to that allegations that the father has a hair-trigger temper and flies into fits of rage, and that the mother was carrying on an affair with her husband’s 19-year-old nephew and you have a vivid portrait of a family coming apart at the seams. Then consider the fact that the family court judge hearing the case has received sizeable campaign contributions from Rockland’s powerful Orthodox community, and the story becomes that much more dizzying. [...]

=============================

Cops: Ramapo podiatrist, girlfriend plotted to kill wife

lohud

A podiatrist and his girlfriend plotted to kill his wife and have two insurance investigators looking into his business beaten up, town police said Tuesday.

Police arrested Ira Bernstein, 41, and Kelly Myzner Gribeluk, 36, Monday night following a month-long investigation they said was sparked when the person the couple reached out to about killing Bernstein's wife initially reported the plot to the Spring Valley police.

Ramapo Detective Lt. Mark Emma said Bernstein and Gribeluk thought the man they approached had the connections they needed. He called the man "an exceptional citizen" for reporting what happened.

"This person had some sort of relationship with one of them," Emma said. "They asked him to cause injury to Bernstein's wife to result in her death. They made an assumption he could help them. He doesn't do those things."

Rockland District Attorney Thomas Zugible, called the plot "a despicable plan to take the life of a wife and mother essentially for financial gain." [...]

Supreme Court: Retry shopkeepers convicted of sexual assault

JPost

The Supreme Court on Monday ordered a retrial for two Jaffa flea market shopkeepers convicted of sexually assaulting a 25-year-old American tourist three years ago.

The three-justice panel of Yoram Danziger, Neal Hendel and Uri Shoham ruled that since only one of the three Tel Aviv District Court judges who convicted the shop owners had heard the tourist’s testimony, it had been illegal for them to render a verdict.

In June 2013, the woman was sexually assaulted at a store in the flea market by Avraham Shamian, 39, and Shimon Rachmani, 44. In April 2015, Shamian, of Ra’anana, was sentenced to four and a half years in prison, while Rachmani, of Holon, was given eight months. Their sentence was frozen pending an appeal.

According to the indictment, the woman came to the flea market on a Monday afternoon – when the area is crowded with shoppers – and entered a store. She chose a ring, the indictment said, and gave Shamian NIS 200. The storekeeper refused to give her change, and suggested she buy more jewelry.

Next, noted the indictment, the owner brought her into a corner of the store and assaulted her, while threatening her. Shamian then told the tourist he was leaving briefly, and that if she tried to flee it would be “suicide” for her.

Afraid to leave, she remained. Upon his return, Shamian again raped and sexually assaulted her, the indictment stated. [...]

Lawsuit: New Haven Rabbi Sexually Assaulted Teen

Courant

In a federal lawsuit filed Tuesday, a New Jersey man accuses a prominent rabbi from New Haven of repeatedly sexually assaulting him when he was a teenager.

The target of the allegation is Rabbi Daniel Greer, a well-known member of the Orthodox Jewish community in New Haven and a former member of the city's board of police commissioners and governor's commission on school choice. The suit was filed electronically in U.S. District Court in Bridgeport Tuesday morning, a court clerk said.

The suit names as co-defendants two schools run by the rabbi, Yeshiva of New Haven, Inc. and The Gan School, Inc. It accused the schools of "allowing the violent sexual abuse to continue unabated for years."

It alleges that Greer sexually abused another male student as well. [...]

William Ward, Greer's attorney, said he hadn't seen the lawsuit and couldn't address the specific allegations. But he questioned the plaintiff's motives and the delay in bringing forward his allegations.

"It only takes a moment to make allegations with despicable indifference to the consequences of the damage they would cause to my client, to his family and to his reputation that he spent a lifetime building in this community. This is a difficult time for my client and his family, but I would remind the public to ask for evidence before rushing to judgment."

"Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] would wait 14 years. Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] well into his adulthood, repeatedly honored the man he accuses." He has repeatedly said the rabbi helped him personally in several ways, Ward said.

"Ask yourself why [the plaintiff] himself an Orthodox Jew, would not seek redress in the form of a rabbinical arbitration court. Finally, ask yourself why [the plaintiff's] first stop was his lawyer's office to seek money." [...]

Statutory joint custody - Is it a good idea?

I was asked to post this petition that New York should have a law that there should be joint custody.  https://www.change.org/p/new-york-governor-stop-the-alienation-against-fathers-joint-physical-custody-in-new-york?recruiter=46758182&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink 

In many states, the default custody arrangement is 50/50 physical and legal custody. Both parents have equal time and input with the children, and the children thrive with two active, fully involved, loving parents. The children used to live with both parents in one house all the time before the divorce, and now after the divorce they continue to live with both parents half and half. It minimizes the trauma of the divorce on the children, and makes the divorce easier and less stressful.

Unfortunately, New York state is still locked on some old middle-age belief, that the default custody should be with the mother. This is based on the belief that the mother stays home all day and is always available to care for the children, and the father works out of the home from morning till night and is unavailable to care for the children. In modern age, the same percentage of men and women work out of home, and the same percentage work from home or don't work. Fathers and mothers are both available at home, or both use babysitters the same way.

The current belief and practice in New York State causes the situation that one parent receives full custody and the other parent is thrown out of the children's life, and is only allowed some visits as a stranger. This causes tremendous emotional damage to the children. Their life is shattered, they lost a parent; and whether he/she is allowed visits or not, it will never be the same again.

This situation in New York State also adds so much stress to the divorce process, because every parent has to fight for his life. People spend millions for attorneys, use false allegations, go to appellate court, and engage in constant litigation. The court is obligated to provide 18B attorneys, forensic experts, and the judges must spend thousands of hours on each case, and all this costs the state billions of dollars, on the tax-payer's expense.

With one simple modification of the law, everything will fall into place. Like many states already ruled, the default law should be: 50/50 physical and legal custody to both parents. This will make the children's life happy and calm. This will also save billions of dollars for the state. If a parent wishes to take away the other parent's rights, he/she will be obligated to pay for the forensic expert and for the other parent's lawyer. This will minimize the stress and will eliminate false allegations.  

My view is that such an arrangement is ideal - but that there are many families where it is not a good idea. I found an article on Huffington Post which articulates my feelings on the matter. In addition it is conceivable that such a law would increase false allegations in many cases against a spouse to counter the reality of joint custody. I would prefer a preference for joint custody as the starting point - but leave it up to the court to decide whether it is appropriate in each case.

Huffington Post

Equal Child Custody Revisited

Several months ago I submitted a blog entitled “Why Equal Child Custody Should Not Be Presumed.” It is accessible on the Huffington Post Divorce Website in permanent archives. In that blog I stated that one size does not fit all and that I believed the statutory policy requiring 50/50 equal custody should not be the law.

I have received some comments where people have been very upset over my position.

In the state of Michigan where I practice there have been proposals in the legislature to have the statutory presumption for joint, equal, physical custody. The law has not been passed as of this date.

The general view of the attorneys who specialize in family law is that one size does not fit all. The view is that custody and parenting time should be decided on a case by case basis without a mandate or rebuttable presumption.

There clearly is a trend in Michigan and elsewhere towards a sharing of custodial arrangements.

There is also a trend to get away from some of the arguments over semantics. In Michigan there is a presumption favoring joint legal custody, which means that in almost every case the parents are to share in any major decision making consistent with the best interests of their children. This covers medical issues, school related issues, religious issues, and extracurricular activities by way of example.

I also feel that we are too hung up on semantics. A lot of battles are over physical custody. In many of my cases I don’t even use the terms physical custody, whether it is sole physical, primary physical, or joint physical. We will simply say that there is to be joint legal custody with a shared decision making arrangement and then set forth a parenting time schedule which is what visitation is called for the simple reason that both parents are parenting when they are with the children and not visiting. [...]

The angry responses that I have received to the blog were that attorneys just want to litigate and that the clients are being hurt. The truth of the matter is that where two people can agree then a shared custodial arrangement is clearly going to work and is clearly in the best interests of the minor children.

Let’s look at the scenario where we have a high conflict divorce where each parent cannot agree on anything. One will say it is raining, the other will say it is not. One parent will say it is midnight; the other will say it is morning. I have had many cases like this and even if there were a presumption by statute favoring joint physical custody, these are the cases where the litigation would continue. These are the cases where there would not necessarily be joint physical custody. Do I believe that joint physical custody makes sense? Do I believe that there should be a sharing of the children as much as possible? Absolutely [...]

On the other hand, I believe that there are cases where it just will not work. I have found over the years, that in most cases where parents get along and there is not high conflict, there can be a very easy relationship where the children, especially teenage children, can go back and forth between each home. This works, and makes sense.

On the other hand, in most cases where there is a high conflict, whether because of anger, bitterness, domestic violence, abuse, or perhaps mental illness, these are the situations where every detail has to be spelled out. Every day has to be spelled out; the hours of pick up and drop off have to be spelled out. These are the cases where joint physical custody too often will not work. Where the parents cannot communicate at all, everything has to be detailed so there is no room for argument. [...]

Although I may be antagonizing some people I stick to the views of my prior blog. While I believe joint physical custody makes sense in the majority of cases, it does not make sense in every case. I do not believe that it should be statutorily mandated. Every case is different. The key again is not what is best for the parent; it is what is in the best interests of the children. Most states have best interests of the child or children in their custody statutes and this is what is to be followed.

SHATTERED by Amudim Community Resources - Watch. Listen. Learn. Share.

The following video was sent to me by Tzvi Gluck of Amudim