Can Limiting Divorce Make Marriage Stronger?

 update This article comparing marriage to military enlistment was also suggested Spousebuzz

 Bloomberg By Megan McArdle  ..I see via Rod Dreher that there is a movement afoot in some states to restrict no-fault divorce, on the grounds that easy divorce is undermining marriage. Rod and I disagree about lots of things, but we’re both in agreement that marriage could certainly use some shoring up. The question is, is this a good way to do that?

I can see the appeal of making marriage more difficult to get out of. My brief tour through the divorce literature indicated that ending a high-conflict marriage is better for everyone, including the kids -- despite the financial and emotional drawbacks, it really is better to have two homes, rather than one where Mom and Dad are engaged in a bitter civil war.

On the other hand, the evidence on ending low-conflict marriages -- one in which maybe one party, or both, doesn’t feel perfectly fulfilled, but they get along OK -- wasn’t so happy. Children of low-conflict marriages whose parents divorce have more difficulty adjusting than the kids of high-conflict marriages. It’s thought that the divorce comes as a shock to these kids; a relationship that seemed fine to them suddenly dissolves, which changes their ability to trust the world and other people.

These divorces aren’t necessarily so great for the adults, either. Divorce tends to be a financial disaster for all but the very rich, because it’s more expensive to support two households than one. And people who exit marriages don’t necessarily find this makes them happier. We tend to think that marriages are good, and then they go bad, and then you divorce and get happy again, but unhappiness can often be a temporary condition that later improves.

Some approximation of this insight is what structured divorce laws before the no-fault revolution. You exited marriages in which there was abuse, adultery, abandonment or wild financial irresponsibility, not because you were just sick and tired of being married. [...]

The lesson is that when you make it harder to exit, you also make people reluctant to enter. If we try to strengthen marriage by clamping down on divorce, we may find that more and more people simply refuse to get married in the first place.

The divorce laws of an earlier era were one part of a complex social institution with mutually reinforcing norms and a fairly elaborate system of punishments and rewards. People were encouraged to stay in marriages because divorce was difficult -- but it is at least as important that divorce was heavily stigmatized. Even more important is the energy society spent encouraging people to get married in the first place -- not just with the gauzy dreams of wedding gowns and perfect babies that help sustain the institution today, but also with a complicated system of carrots and sticks that have now completely vanished. Old maids were stigmatized; women who had babies out of wedlock were shunned. Marriage was the only socially permitted way to cohabit and, for that matter, often the only legal way to do so: Landlords didn’t like renting to people who were shacking up, and hotels that rented to rooms to openly unmarried couples risked being indicted as brothels. On the positive side, getting married often meant a raise for a man, and for both parties, it constituted instant admission to adulthood. [....]

Even if you accept the premise that marriage needs to be strengthened -- which I do! -- and even if you accept the premise that the state therefore has a right to force people to stay married, which is a bigger stretch, I’m not sure that the state should. As conservatives are fond of noting, societies, like economies, are very complex organic systems. We do not understand them, much less control them with a few simple tweaks.

The Antidepressant Generation By Doris Iarovici, M.D.

NY Times    Read the comments to the article to get a clearer picture of the issues

Antidepressants are an excellent treatment for depression and anxiety. I’ve seen them improve — and sometimes save — many young lives. But a growing number of young adults are taking psychiatric medicines for longer and longer periods, at the very age when they are also consolidating their identities, making plans for the future and navigating adult relationships.

Are we using good scientific evidence to make decisions about keeping these young people on antidepressants? Or are we inadvertently teaching future generations to view themselves as too fragile to cope with the adversity that life invariably brings?[...]

Children and adolescents increasingly take antidepressants. In 2009, a large trial called the Treatment for Adolescents With Depression Study showed that those who took an antidepressant in conjunction with therapy for nine months were much less depressed, and less suicidal, in the year after stopping treatment than those without treatment — so clearly treatment is critical. But for how long? And is medicine on its own, without therapy, sufficient?

More students arrive on campus already on antidepressants. From 1994 to 2006, the percentage of students treated at college counseling centers who were using antidepressants nearly tripled, from 9 percent to over 23 percent. In part this reflects the introduction of S.S.R.I. antidepressants, a new class of drugs thought to be safer and have fewer side effects than their predecessors. 

At the same time, direct-to-consumer advertising of prescription drugs also became commonplace. Some of this very helpfully reduces stigma, allowing people who are suffering from depression to get much-needed relief. But it also creates demand where genuine need may be less clear.[...]

We walk a thinning line between diagnosing illness and teaching our youth to view any emotional upset as pathological. We need a greater focus on building resilience in emerging adults. We need more scientific studies — spanning years, not months — on the risks and benefits of maintenance treatment in emerging adults. Maybe someday, treating people like this young graduate student, I won’t have to feel like we’re conducting an experiment of one. 

Rabbi Eliezer Berland arrives in Johannesburg in latest attempt to avoid arrest for suspected sexual harassment

JPost   Israeli Rabbi Eliezer Berland, 77, fled to South Africa last week after Zimbabwe deported him for violating its immigration laws.

Berland, a member of an offshoot of the Breslov Hassidic sect, left Israel to avoid arrest after several women, including a 15-year-old girl, complained of being sexually abused. Before Zimbabwe Berland hid in Miami, Zurich and Morocco.

South African Chief Rabbi Warren Goldstein sent an email to his colleagues throughout the country informing them that Berland and a number of his followers had arrived in Johannesburg.

“Our community [must] not be involved with sheltering or supporting Berland and his followers,” Goldstein warned.

Any congregants likely to be “drawn into supporting or sheltering Berland and his followers” should be spoken with, he added.

“Berland must return to Israel to face the criminal justice system,” Goldstein insisted.[...]

Raising a Moral Child

NY Times   What does it take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for teaching kids to become high achievers. For example, research suggests that when parents praise effort rather than ability, children develop a stronger work ethic and become more motivated.

Yet although some parents live vicariously through their children’s accomplishments, success is not the No. 1 priority for most parents. We’re much more concerned about our children becoming kind, compassionate and helpful. Surveys reveal that in the United States, parents from European, Asian, Hispanic and African ethnic groups all place far greater importance on caring than achievement. These patterns hold around the world: When people in 50 countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the value that mattered most was not achievement, but caring. [...]

Praising their character helped them internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral behaviors, nouns work better than verbs. To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,” it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.” Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.” When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.

Praise appears to be particularly influential in the critical periods when children develop a stronger sense of identity.  [...]

Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences.

Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right. [...]

If we want our children to care about others, we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave. In a review of research on emotions and moral development, the psychologist Nancy Eisenberg suggests that shame emerges when parents express anger, withdraw their love, or try to assert their power through threats of punishment: Children may begin to believe that they are bad people. Fearing this effect, some parents fail to exercise discipline at all, which can hinder the development of strong moral standards.

The most effective response to bad behavior is to express disappointment. According to independent reviews by Professor Eisenberg and David R. Shaffer, parents raise caring children by expressing disappointment and explaining why the behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the situation. This enables children to develop standards for judging their actions, feelings of empathy and responsibility for others, and a sense of moral identity, which are conducive to becoming a helpful person. The beauty of expressing disappointment is that it communicates disapproval of the bad behavior, coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement: “You’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do better.”[...]

The most generous children were those who watched the teacher give but not say anything. Two months later, these children were 31 percent more generous than those who observed the same behavior but also heard it preached. The message from this research is loud and clear: If you don’t model generosity, preaching it may not help in the short run, and in the long run, preaching is less effective than giving while saying nothing at all.

People often believe that character causes action, but when it comes to producing moral children, we need to remember that action also shapes character. As the psychologist Karl Weick is fond of asking, “How can I know who I am until I see what I do? How can I know what I value until I see where I walk?”

Schlesinger Twins: Beth's open letter to Michael - erev Pesach

Michael,

You don't respond to my private emails so perhaps you will understand why I have resorted to contacting you in this way. We don't see see eye to eye on anything but at least on one thing we may agree: what we are all going through is horrible and humiliating. I'm sure you wish for an end to it as much as I do.

However, for us to reach any kind of resolution, I think it's time you faced reality and answer these fundamental questions. For your own sake more than anyone's, the truth, however ugly and unpalatable, needs to come out.

1) Why did you marry me? The week after we were married you repeatedly banged your head against the wall and said you had to punish yourself, that you were a bad person for marrying me. What did you mean? Were you forced into it? By whom? Why?

2) Why did you talk to 'Janet' about taking me to ESRA so deceitfully? It seems you wanted to get rid of me as soon as I had the babies. Why?

3) Why did rumours go around the community that I called the police and had you evicted? That wasn't true and the police documents prove it.

4) Why did you want to have me committed to a mental hospital when you knew there was nothing wrong with me?

5) Why are you obsessed with trying to label me mentally ill when you know it's not true? After both ESRA and the police psychiatrist confirmed there was nothing wrong with me, why the rumours around the community that I was mentally ill? This was all behind my back while I was breastfeeding our babies and recovering from a painful caesarean. Why didn't you talk directly to me if you were genuinely concerned about me?

6) Why were there vicious rumours going round the community that I neglected the children and they had to be taken away from me because I couldn't look after them properly? The Judge even wrote that you did not disagree with all the positive reports about me as a mother:

“The mother takes good care of the children both in their daily care and upbringing and concerns herself with their welfare. This is well attested in the submitted reports in the file, including the reports of the Social Services (second district) and the statements from play groups. This point (the care of the mother for her children) is also not disputed by the father.”

7) Why did you go behind my back to Rav Pardess to tell him stories about me during our marriage? What did you hope to achieve by this? Why did he never call us both together to talk or hear me alone?

8) Why do you want to deny our children their mother? You told me in the coffee shop that you would be a mother and a father to them. Don't you see that's not possible?

9) Why are Fillipino women looking after our children instead of their mother? Does this mean that you haven't had the support of your family that you expected?

10) Our little boys cannot talk. They have many problems and need their mother's love to help them grow and develop normally. Why are you denying them that chance? Is your hatred for me so great that it overrides the love for your own children?

11) Do you really want the best for Sammy and Benji? Do you want them to catch up with other children their age?

12) When will you stop denying they have severe problems and need their mother's love and care?

Our boys will be 5 years old next month. Don't you agree they have suffered enough?

As you sit at the Seder table (hopefully with Sammy and Benji) discussing the miracle of Pesach and celebrate 'freedom', perhaps you could give these questions some thought. I don't think you feel free at all. You have trapped yourself in a very tragic situation but you have the chance to release yourself if you will only concede.

The mother of your children,

Beth

Schlesinger Twins: Another au pair testifies

After the intimidation of Nora for publishing her testimony on this blog which then caused her to remove her testimony - I am publishing another au pair's testimony

http://daattorah.blogspot.co.il/2014/04/extortion-schlesinger-twins-inside-view.html

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

I helped the Schlesinger family from August to September 2009 by assisting in childcare and housework. I also flew with the twins Samuel and Benjamin and their mother to England in November 2009 and spent a weekend at Beth Schlesinger's parents' house.

I always enjoyed coming to help the family and I got along very well with the mother of the twins. Mostly I came 2-3 times a week and stayed for about 3-4 hours when the children's father was at work. Among other support, I helped the mother to feed the children. Sometimes I gave one of the babies a bottle while Beth pumped her breastmilk off. In addition, I took care of the children, did some light housework and changed the twins’ diapers while the mother was cooking. I was never alone with the children, I only assisted the mother. I was able to observe that the young babies needed a lot of attention and often cried at the same time so that the mother could not take care of both simultaneously. We therefore took it in turns. Overall, I found the atmosphere in the home to be quiet and orderly, and experienced Beth as being like any other good, normal mother.

Sometimes I stayed overnight when the children's father was on night duty. The nights were very difficult at that time because it took a long time for the children to fall asleep and they woke up many times at night, as children often do at that age. I supported the mother during such nights. Each of us would take a child, feed it, change its diaper and calm him down. Despite her exhaustion, I had the feeling that Beth looked after the children with joy and understood their needs.  After Beth and I had fed the children breakfast, washed them, dressed them and played with them for a while, we got everything ready together to take the children out to the park. By the time the father of the children came home from his night duty, between 9 and 10 o' clock in the morning, the kids were already ready to go out. At this point I went home and Beth went with the children to the nearby Augarten park on her own so that the father could sleep.

Despite this very stressful situation I experienced the mother as attentive, calm and always polite. We always got on well together and never had any conflicts. I had very little contact with the father. I saw him rarely and only for a short time. When I came, he showed little interest and obviously wanted to be left in peace. The reason I stopped helping the family was because I had to continue my studies. 

Beth asked me a few months later, in November 2009 , to accompany her with the children when she went to visit her parents in England The father of the children brought the car seats for the kids to my friend Klaus and Klaus drove Beth, the twins and myself to the airport in Bratislava. When we had trouble folding the stroller (to put in the car), Beth called her husband to ask him for help, and I could hear that he verbally abused her. I could not understand why he was not helpful. Eventually Klaus managed to solve the problem himself.

I did not go to England as a nanny but only to support the family on the flight because Beth told me that airlines do not allow a person to fly alone with two small children. Beth's father picked us up from the airport and took us to the Alexander family’s home. I spent a few days there as a guest and was warmly welcomed by them. I took part in family life and spent a very pleasant time in their house. The family cared lovingly for me and organized and paid for a taxi for me to the airport since Beth's father was unable to take me there himself because of the Jewish Shabbat. Beth and the children stayed on longer and later flew back to Vienna with a friend. 

GERMAN ORIGINAL

Ich half Familie Schlesinger im Zeitraum von August  bis September 2009 fallweise bei der Betreuung der Kinder und im Haushalt. Ich flog mit den Zwillingen Samuel und Benjamin und ihrer Mutter im November 2009 auch nach England und verbrachte ein Wochenende im Haus der Eltern von Beth Schlesinger.

Ich kam immer gerne, um der Familie zu helfen, und bin mit der Mutter der Zwillinge sehr gut ausgekommen. Meistens kam ich 2-3 Mal pro Woche und blieb für etwa 3-4 Stunden, wenn der Vater der Kinder arbeitete. Zu meinen Aufgaben zähltdie Mutter dabei zu unterstützen, die Kinder zu füttern. Manchmal gab ich auch einem der Babys die Flasche, während Beth damit beschäftigt war, die Muttermilch abzupumpen.  Außerdem beaufsichtigte ich die Kinder, während die Mutter kochte, erledigte leichte Hausarbeiten und wechselte die Windeln der Zwillinge. Ich war mit den Kindern niemals alleine, sondern habe die Mutter nur unterstützt. Dabei konnte ich beobachten, dass die noch sehr kleinen Kindern viel Aufmerksamkeit brauchten und oft zur selben Zeit weinten, sodass sich die Mutter nicht gleichzeitig um beide kümmern konnte. Wir wechselten uns deshalb darin ab. Insgesamt empfand ich die Atmosphäre in der Wohnung als ruhig und ordentlich und erlebte Beth als eine ganz normale gute Mutter.

Manchmal blieb ich auch über Nacht, wenn der Vater der Kinder Nachtdienst hatte.  Die Nächte waren zu dieser Zeit sehr schwierig, da die Kinder ein langes Einschlafritual benötigten und in der Nacht oft aufwachten, wie Kinder in diesem Alter es häufig tun. Ich unterstützte die Mutter auch in solchen Nächten,  indem sich jede von uns um jeweils ein Kind kümmerte und es fütterte, wickelte und beruhigte. Trotz ihrer Müdigkeit hatte ich das Gefühl, dass Beth sich mit Freude um die Kinder kümmerte und für ihre Bedürfnisse Verständnis hatte. Nachdem wir den Kindern ihr Frühstück gemacht, sie gewaschen,  angezogen und ein wenig mit ihnen gespielt hatten, bereiteten wir gemeinsam alles für eine Ausfahrt in den Park vor. Wenn der Vater der Kinder zwischen 9 und 10 Uhr morgens vom Nachtdienst nachhause kam, waren die Kinder bereits fertig zum Ausgehen. Ich ging zu diesem Zeitpunkt nachhause und die Kinder gingen mit ihrer Mutter alleine in den nahegelegenen Augarten, damit ihr Vater schlafen konnte.

Trotz dieser sehr belastenden Situation erlebte ich die Mutter als aufmerksam, ruhig und immer höflich. Wir kamen stets gut miteinander aus und hatten niemals Konflikte.  Mit dem Vater hatte ich sehr wenig Kontakt. Ich sah ihn selten und nur für kurze Zeit. Wenn ich kam, zeigte er wenig Interesse und wollte offenbar seine Ruhe haben. Der Grund, warum ich aufhörte, der Familie zu helfen, war, dass ich für meine Ausbildung lernen musste.

Beth bat mich einige Monate später, im November 2009, sie zu begleiten, als sie mit den Kindern ihre Eltern in England besuchen wollte. Der Vater der Kinder hatte die Autositze für die Kinder zu meinem Freund Klaus gebracht und Klaus brachte Beth, die Zwillinge und mich zum Flughafen in Bratislava. Als wir Schwierigkeiten hatten, den Kinderwagen zusammenzuklappen, rief Beth ihren Mann an, um ihn um Hilfe zu fragen, und ich konnte hören, dass er sie beschimpfte. Ich konnte nicht verstehen, warum er nicht hilfsbereit war. Schließlich gelang es Klaus, das Problem selbst zu lösen.

Ich kam nach England nicht als Kindermädchen mit, sondern nur, um die Familie auf dem Flug zu unterstützen, weil Beth mir erzählt hatte, dass es nicht möglich ist, alleine mit zwei kleinen Kindern zu fliegen. Beths Vater holte uns vom Flughafen ab und brachte uns zum Haus der Familie. Ich verbrachte dort einige Tage als Gast und wurde von der Familie sehr herzlich aufgenommen. Ich nahm am Familienleben teil und verbrachte eine sehr angenehme Zeit in ihrem Haus. Die Familie kümmerte sich liebevoll um mich und organisierte und bezahlte  zum Beispiel ein Taxi, als mich Beths Vater am jüdischen Schabbat nicht selbst zum Flughafen bringen konnte, als ich zurück nach Wien reisen wollte. Beth und die Kinder blieben länger als ich und flogen später mit einer Freundin zurück nach Wien.

EXTORTION!!! - Schlesinger Twins: An inside view - Testimony of the twin's Georgian au pair

This statement is from the Georgian woman that worked for Beth. She submitted this statement to court and she was named as a witness but the judge ignored the application to hear her.

============================

The letter that I posted here this morning from the au pair has been removed at her request after she and her husband have been threatened repeatedly with harasssing phone after I made this post - by people she was too afraid to mention. 

Among the threats was the loss of her job if this post was not immediately retracted.

What "nice" people live in Vienna!

A unique chinuch proposal: An annual prayer asifa to daven for the students

Lchvod Harav

the following is an article authored by our Rav, Harav Y R Rubin of Mosdos Ohr Shlomo Manchester England. We would hope you could reprint it on your website. with Brochas of continued success in your Harbotzas Torah and for a chag kosher vesomeach,

C Shriebhand

director of The Informal Project

======================================

A unique opportunity for a Kiddush Hashem

The mechanech was at his wit’s end. He had tried everything including the newest pedagogical techniques that he had learnt at a recent course.  He just could not get this child to listen, and things didn't seem to be getting any easier. The boy seemed to be fine otherwise. His family was baaleibatish, yet nothing seemed to be able to motivate him. He didn't bother anyone; he just sat there, sometimes looking out the window with a far off gaze. The mechanech felt frustrated; if he didn't know any better he would have thought the boy had a personal axe to grind.

Our mechanech had a connection with a Tzaddik and when he visited his Rebbe he wrote in his kvittel about the problem with this boy. The Rebbe looked up to his chossid with warm sweet eyes and asked simply, “Have you davened for this talmid?”  What a stunningly beautiful thought! Have you davened for this child? Does his pain enter your inner landscape? Is this child important enough for your sincere prayers?

Hearing this episode brought tears to my eyes. In the world of education we are often so obsessed with ticking all the boxes, achieving the right marks in tests, approximating preordained levels that we forget who we are teaching. Nothing brings us closer to our students than when we see their difficulties and tribulations as those of Yiddishe neshomas with whose care we have been entrusted. Who wouldn't daven for a loved one? What greater tool could any Torah Yied have?

In parshas Shemini we come across an extremely deep lesson.  “Moshe and Aaron came” (9:23). This “coming” refers to a specific prayer that Moshe and Aaron offered upon the completion of the Mishkan. Rashi explains that when construction of the Mishkan was finished and all the sacrifices had been brought, the Divine Presence still did not descend upon the Bnei Yisroel. Aaron was extremely distressed, because he took it as a rebuke for his participation during the episode of the Golden Calf. At that point, Moshe came and davened for Hashem’s mercy. It was first then that the Shechina descended.

Perhaps this is meant to show us that even after every detail of a set of instructions has been fulfilled, all the boxes ticked, still, it takes a tefillah to actualise the bringing down of the presence of Hashem.

We all are extremely aware of the challenges our young face, and we have all seen our mechanchim trying their utmost to advance their understanding of their students. But, as the Rebbe asked, have we davened for our students? Have we stood with a Sefer Tehillim in hand and beseeched Hashem for Divine help?

I would like to make a proposal. I do so with trepidation because I am fully aware that others may wonder about where this originates. However, sometimes you just have an intuition about something and you want to share it. What happens subsequently is in Hashem’s Hands.

My proposal is simple: once a year, at a date to be determined, every rebbe, mechanech, menahel, Rosh Yeshiva, Beis Yaakov teacher, indeed everyone who has our children's neshomas in their hands, should come together and daven for their students. This will be at one central location, embracing all mosdos.

Each participant will come with a list of their students’ names and after we all say a few chapters of Tehillim, each participant will quietly go through their list. The order of this event can be fine- tuned. I only want to offer the template. 

Now, step back for a moment and just imagine the impact such an event could have. Children would see how their teachers care about them. Parents would witness the deep devotion that their rebbes have for their charges. Just the thought of hundreds, perhaps more, of our mechanchim coming with their lists, asking Hashem for help, beseeching that they succeed with the next generation of hielige neshomas, is awesome.

The children would feel a sense of connection, as would the teachers. Mechanchim from all mosdos would be in one place davening for their students. 

This would be a Kiddush Hashem without any politics or factions. It’s just a case of Torah teachers offering their personal tefillos. Above and beyond all the rules and guidelines, they are coming simply as Yieden, asking for help in the most vital challenge of our times. My heart whispers to me that this would create kovod Shomayim, and I sense that our combined tefillos for our kinderlach would rip open the Gates of Shomayim.

I repeat, I am but a minor player in this huge field, and forgive me for my impertinence, but none is intended. I only bring this proposal because in a turbulent sea, any lifeboat is worthy of support.

I hope readers will take this matter to heart, and if it strikes a chord there, please let’s do something about it soon.

Our children need our tefillos, and we need to be offering them now.

The Million Jew Seder By Rabbi Shmully Hecht

The article below says some important things that need to be said and acted upon. After I read it I spoke with Rabbi Hecht and asked him to write an introduction. One of the comments he made in our conversation was that the concern for the non-observant Jew is not an exclusive Chabad endeavor and in fact there are a significant number of Lubavitcher's who have trouble reaching out to their fellow Jews. He noted that it was important to clarify that his message was not Chabad versus the Charedim - but rather that we all need to work on removing the barriers betwen Jews.
 
==========================
Dear Readers , 

Please allow me to briefly introduce myself. My name is Shmully Hecht and I am the senior Chabad Rabbi at Yale University .  Though I was born and married into prominent Chabad families  on all sides , our recent family ancestry  is quite broad and unique.  The Hecht family can best be described as Galitziana Yidden. In fact, in 1885 my great great grandfather Reb Hersh Meilech Hecht  z”l came from the  Polish town of  Shiniv to America  with the  blessings of Reb Yechezkel of Shiniv; grandson of The Sanzer Rav . My mother’s father, Rav Chaim Gutnick z”l  learned in Telz for many years  with Rav Mordechaii Gifter  before the second world war. My wife’s maternal  extended Weiss family are prominent Satmar Chasidim; Reb Moshe Weiss being a great uncle. My wife’s paternal great grandfather was Rav Nisen Pilchik, among the  founders of Stolin in America. My father is the Senior  Rav in the Sephardic community of Queens where I grew up davening with Jews from Iran, Afghanistan, Morocco, Egypt, Algeria, Tunisia and just about ever middle Eastern and North African Country on the map. I went to Ohr Yisroel in Queens NY for elementary school where the students were best described as black hatters/litvish  and our Rabbeim  were Satmar, Ger, Vishnitz, Belz and Lubavitch. I have spent time with Jews in over 100 cities on 6 continents, and have educated Jews in places as remote as Perth  Australia , Tokyo,Japan and Addis Ababa,Ethiopia .  

I have spent seventeen years as the Rabbi at Yale where I have met Jews from every secular and religious stripe you can imagine.  They span from the Chareidi Phd math candidate from Yerushalayim, to the Jewish Yale undergraduate, born to a Mormon father from Denver . 

In short, I am familiar first hand with the fact that there is really  only one Jew in the world and our differences are minimal compared to our essential bond and oneness. It is perhaps because of the many worlds I have been exposed to  that  I can humbly make that statement wholeheartedly and objectively . I have therefore asked Rav Chaim Kanievsky to officially ask his talmidim this year to kindly invite one Jew to their seder. My hope is to have one million Jews invited this year for Pesach by someone they would least likely expect it from . Even if they don’t accept the invitation, the call itself  will change Israel and the Jewish people in a revolutionary way. Please read the following story to understand why. Times of Israel

An open letter to:

Rav Shmaryahu Yosef Chaim Kanievsky

I write to you in your capacity as one of the leaders of the ultra-orthodox Jewish community of Israel, often referred to as the haredi movement.

On a flight last week from Israel to New York, I had a rather disturbing conversation with one of your of disciples. The individual was an ultra orthodox Jew and a successful Swiss real estate developer who resides in Jerusalem with his wife and seven children. He was on his way to New York for the wedding of a relative. I was returning home from Israel where I had spent the day attending the funeral of the father of a dear Israeli friend of mine from Yale, where I am the campus rabbi.  I had met the  deceased last year at his son’s wedding in Caesarea, where I was honored to officiate. On a subsequent trip to Israel I had put Tefillin on with this 77 year old man, preceded by an in-depth theological conversation about his Judaism and beliefs.  On this return trip to Israel it was at the Shiva house where, upon meeting many of the members of my friend’s F16 squadron, a troubling conversation began. This was a conversation that crystallized on the flight back to New York while talking with your disciple.[...]

Listening to him describe the gap that sadly divides the secular “chiloni“ and ultra-orthodox “haredi“ leaderships of Israel, I was dismayed and  saddened by how far this split has actually wedged a division among our people. Could we have reached such a low point in our history that Jews living in our ancient homeland were flying across the world to avoid having to engage with our very own rabbis? How ironic I thought it was that I, an American rabbi, had flown to Israel first to marry and now bury a son and father of the most secular type of Israelis. Would this young pilot’s first encounter with an Israeli rabbi be at his own funeral?[...]
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This is the Hebrew translation - Rabbi Hecht encourages the distribution of this letter

   מכתב מתורגם לשמולי

Schlesinger Twins: Beth's "friend" confesses that Michael persuaded her to trick Beth into meeting a psychiatrist

[updated with the notes of the confession]

One of the major signs of an abusive husband is his attempts to isolate his wife from all other support and normal human interaction - and to make her totally dependent on him - as well as to destroy her self-esteem and independent judgment and initiative. [As I have repeatedly stated, Dr. Schlesinger is welcome to present his side of the story.]

Dr. Schlesinger has been obsessed with the idea that Beth is mentally ill - post-partum depression and paranoid schizophrenia - despite repeated evaluations that she is not and has not been suffering from mental illness. As recounted in a previous post, he arranged with a psychiatrist that had never met Beth to certify that she was schizophrenic and then Michael called the police to have her committed by falsely claiming that he was a psychiatrist. However this plot failed when the police psychiatrist said Beth was not mentally ill and Michael was kicked out of the apartment and custody was awarded to Beth. This was not his only attempt to get Beth certified as mentally ill as well as to spread rumors in the community that she was mentally ill. He also successfully got a therapist to write an invalid report for the custody trial indicating that she had mental health issues. (That report has been shown to be invalid by subsequent evaluations by recognized therapists.)

However this post is about another attempt to confirm his diagnosis that she was mentally ill -  which involved Beth's friends betraying her.

What follows are Beth's notes of the confession of "Janet" whom she once viewed as a good friend who was after consultation with Michael and some of his supporters - agreed to trick Beth into seeing a psychiatrist who was expected to declare her mentally ill. I had asked "Janet" yesterday to publicly reveal her identity as a means of doing teshuva for her betrayal of Beth. However "Janet" now denies that she betrayed Beth and claims the rest of the account is not what happened. She does acknowledge tricking Beth into going to a psychiatrist to be evaulated for post-partum depression.  In fact even after the psychiatrist said Beth was not mentally ill (post-partum depression) "Janet" actively spread false rumors in the Jewish community that Beth was suffering from depression. I have the letter from the psychiatrist saying that Beth did not suffer from post partum depression.

   "Janet's" Confession 

In search of the historical Pharoah - Rabbi Yair Hoffman

5 Towns Jewish Times     The Gemorah in Psachim (116b) informs us that, in each generation, we are obligated to view ourselves as if we actually left Mitzrayim. Indeed, in Michtav MeEliyahu, Rav Dessler writes that since time does not progress linearly, but rather travels in a carousel like circle, the 15^th of Nissan of the year 2448 is actually the very same 15^th of Nissan of our own year now.

This is one of our obligations on the night of Pesach. This being the case, that halachically we must view ourselves as actually leaving Mitzrayim, in our mind’s eye we should envision and picture the escape.

Let’s give it a try. Before us, standing at the water’s edge about to enter it, stands Nachshon Ben Aminadav. Behind us, on a chariot, Pharoah is leading his hordes of well-trained soldiers. They are rapidly catching up. Yes, it is Pharoah – the short, obnoxious leader of the Egyptians that dared to present himself as a god.

But who exactly was he? What was his name? What do we know about him?

In the 77^th chapter of a work called Sefer HaYashar, which was first printed in Venice in 1525, there are details as to what his name was, and more about who he may have been. [Alter Bergmann published a more recent edition of it in Tel Aviv]. The author of this Sefer HaYashar is anonymous, and there seems to be a debate as to whether it was written in the times of the Tannaim or is a much later compilation.

So, what do we know about Pharoah according to the Sefer HaYashar? Well, apparently he took the throne at the age of twenty. His father, Melol, was sick for the last ten years of his life, but had reigned for 94 years. His name was Adikam Ahuz. In Egyptian, according to the Sefer HaYashar, Ahuz means short, and short he was. He was an Ammah and one half, exceedingly ugly, and had a beard down to his feet. [One perhaps could best picture him as one of the seven dwarfs a la Snow White, but with a crown instead of a nightcap]. The Sefer HaYashar states that his reign started in the 206^th year of Israel’s going down to Mitzrayim, so he reigned for four years.[...]