Off the Derech:Importance of Parents

Guest post by Shlomo Silber
See also Dr. Sorotzkin's article of Role of Parents in Off the Derech kids  Link to this document on Scribd

Gladwell:How child molesters get away with it

New Yorker   [...] When monsters roam free, we assume that people in positions of authority ought to be able to catch them if only they did their jobs. But that might be wishful thinking. A pedophile, van Dam’s story of Mr. Clay reminds us, is someone adept not just at preying on children but at confusing, deceiving, and charming the adults responsible for those children—which is something to keep in mind in the case of the scandal at Penn State and the conviction, earlier this year, of the former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky on child-molestation charges. [...]

One of the most remarkable and disturbing descriptions of the grooming process comes from a twenty-two-page autobiography (published as a chapter in a book about pedophilia) by a convicted pedophile named Donald Silva. After graduating from medical school, Silva met a family with a nine-year-old named Eric. He first sexually molested Eric on a ski trip that the two of them took together. But that came only a year after he befriended the family, patiently insinuating himself into the good graces of Eric’s parents. At one point, Eric’s mother ordered an end to the “friendship,” because she thought Silva’s friends had been smoking pot in her son’s presence. But Silva had so won over her husband that, he writes, “this beautiful man found it in his heart to forgive me after I assured him that such a thing would not happen again.” Silva describes an unforgettable night that he and Eric spent together after they were “reunited”. [...]

This is standard child-molester tradecraft. The successful pedophile does not select his targets arbitrarily. He culls them from a larger pool, testing and probing until he finds the most vulnerable. Clay, for example, first put himself in a place with easy access to children—an elementary school. Then he worked his way through his class. He began by simply asking boys if they wanted to stay after school. “Those who could not do so without parental permission were screened out,” van Dam writes. Children with vigilant parents are too risky. Those who remained were then caressed on the back, first over the shirt and then, if there was no objection from the child, under the shirt. “The child’s response was evaluated by waiting to see what was reported to the parents,” she goes on. “Parents inquiring about this behavior were told by Mr. Clay that he had simply been checking their child for signs of chicken pox. Those children were not targeted further.” The rest were “selected for more contact,” gradually moving below the belt and then to the genitals.

The child molester’s key strategy is one of escalation, desensitizing the target with an ever-expanding touch. In interviews and autobiographies, pedophiles describe their escalation techniques like fly fishermen comparing lures. Consider the child molester van Dam calls Cook.[...]

Hypocrisy:The murder of pro-Palestinian activist Arrigoni

Tablet Magazine On Monday, a Hamas military court convicted four men in the kidnapping and murder of pro-Palestinian activist Vittorio Arrigoni. If your allergies were flaring up at all yesterday, then you might have blinked and missed the coverage of the trial, it was buried in a 150-word capsule on page 8 of the New York Times. The outcome was reported elsewhere, but with similar economy.[...]

The news of the Arrigoni verdict threw the end of last month’s case against the Israel Defense Forces in the death of ISM activist Rachel Corrie into sharp relief. The verdict in the Corrie trial–which exonerated the IDF of wrongdoing–was front page news across the world, garnering some 950 words of initial reportage on A1 of the Times, as well as a number of follow ups and opinion pieces in media outlets around the globe. Outrage ran wild. 

So why the relative silence for Arrigoni, who, unlike Corrie, was obviously and brutally murdered? Where are the off-Broadway plays and poems and paintings? There are some clear factors stunting the media uproar–Arrigoni wasn’t American and the timing of his death–but none of these make the circumstances of his death–now confirmed by a Hamas court of all adjudicators–any less outrageous

Leading up to and following the Corrie verdict, the ISM website devoted several entries to the case, drawing attention to the news coverage, highlighting the perceived injustice of the trial, and again accusing the IDF of cold-blooded murder. In the days before and after the verdict in the Arrigoni case, there hasn’t been anything posted and, perhaps more telling, from reading the tributes to Arrigoni on the ISM site and elsewhere, one would think he died of natural causes and not at the hands of Islamic fundamentalists. In many ways, this is emblematic of all the deaths that seem to come more cheaply when a Jew is not to blame.

Mahane Yehuda Market & modesty squads

YNet  One of them approaches a woman who shops at the market once a week. The woman, wearing a tank top and jeans, has her full attention on the tomato box. The haredi woman touches one of her bare arms. The woman turns around and the haredi woman immediately snaps at her, pointing at her bare arms: "Next time don't come to the market like this. Next time you'll come with sleeves."

The woman in the tank top tries not to appear insulted and looks at the other haredi women. One of them approaches a young woman in shorts and a sleeveless shirt. "Next time cover yourself," she orders her. The haredim have been targeting Mahane Yehuda Market for quite a while. The patrol unit, which began touring the market alleys in recent weeks, is the result of growing haredi involvement in the area in the past 18 months.

The reason for their growing interest is the fact that the market is gradually becoming a multi-cultural center, a pilgrimage site for youngsters, visitors and tourists and a nightlife hot spot for many in the city.

The ultra-Orthodox battle was launched a year ago, when they declared war on the market area and the street parties held in the city center throughout the summer, claiming that the revival of the city center was creating lawlessness and harming their children's education.

Obesity:Fitness more important then fat

NYTimes   In study after study, overweight and moderately obese patients with certain chronic diseases often live longer and fare better than normal-weight patients with the same ailments. The accumulation of evidence is inspiring some experts to re-examine long-held assumptions about the association between body fat and disease. 

Dr. Carl Lavie, medical director of cardiac rehabilitation and prevention at the John Ochsner Heart and Vascular Institute in New Orleans, was one of the first researchers to document the obesity paradox, among patients with heart failure in 2002. He spent more than a year trying to get a journal to publish his findings. [...]

But there were hints everywhere. One study found that heavier dialysis patients had a lower chance of dying than those whose were of normal weight or underweight. Overweight patients with coronary disease fared better than those who were thinner in another study; mild to severe obesity posed no additional mortality risks.

In 2007, a study of 11,000 Canadians over more than a decade found that those who were overweight had the lowest chance of dying from any cause.

To date, scientists have documented these findings in patients with heart failure, heart disease, stroke, kidney disease, high blood pressure — and now diabetes. 

Ad Calling Jihad ‘Savage’ Is Set to Appear in Subway

NYTimes  As violent and sometimes deadly protests consume much of the Muslim world in response to an American-made video mocking the Prophet Muhammad, New Yorkers will soon encounter another potentially inflammatory rendering of Islam: an advertisement in the transit system that reads, “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man.” 

It concludes with the words, “Support Israel. Defeat Jihad,” wedged between two Stars of David.

After rejecting the ads initially, then losing a federal court ruling on First Amendment grounds, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority said on Tuesday that the ads were expected to appear next week at 10 subway stations.

Why wasn't Malbim's commentary banned?

The Malbim is considered one of the standard commentaries to the Bible. He was also one of the strongest opponents of the Reform movement. And yet there are comments where he clearly rejects views expressed by Chazal and the Rishonim as not being compatible with the latest scientific facts.

This despite the fact that there was concern about heresy - the reaction against Mendelsohn is a good example. In fact there were some Chasidim who viewed the Malbim as a maskil. While the Reform viewed him as a fanatic reactionary. The Malbim apparently was trying to produce a frum Biblical criticism much as Rav Yisroel Salanter was trying to produce a frum haskala

Dr. Noah Rosenbloom in his biography of the Malbim notes that there were several books in Hebrew  - concerning with science -  which were published at this time for the frum world. The Malbim apparently took his information from one of them - Sefer HaBris. The author of Sefer haBris clearly was aware of the dangers of publishing discussions of science and he took the precaution of announcing that the work was merely an introduction to Rav Chaim Vital's Shaar HaKedushah - to explain the scientific basis. Of interest he makes no attempt to actually explain any particular verse. As Dr. Rosenbloom points out - if he really was concerned with clarify and explaining Shaar HaKedusha - he would have written it as a commentary rather than as a introduction. In addition he was careful to obtain many haskomas from important rabbis.

My point being that it is not so much the content but the perceived context that influences whether something is perceived as dangerous literature that needs to be banned.

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Malbim (Bereishis 1:1) ... This interpretation [which I just quoted] makes sense according to the view of the ancients who says that there exist Spheres  on which are fixed all the stars of the Heavens and therefore when it says that G-d created the Heavens it is referring to the Spheres which were created on the first day. And then the sun and the moon and the stars were created on the fourth day and attached to the Spheres that are referred to as the rakia of the Heavens. However it has recently been established that there are no such things as Spheres. Rather [the scientists] have stated that all the heavenly bodies  move in their orbits in an atmosphere which is called Ether which fills the entire universe. Therefore if the stars weren't created then nothing of the heavens was created because there is nothing to the Heavens except the heavenly bodies. Furthermore the scientists have recently established  that the stars in the Heavens are not composed of a fifth type of matter which is unique to the Heavens as the ancients claimed. The fact is that the  heavenly bodies which only reflect light such as the moon are composed of the exact same materials as we find here on our earth....

'Lizzie Beautiful': ‘Stop staring and start learning’

Lizzie Velazquez was born with a medical condition so rare that there are only three known cases in the world.

The “Lizzie Beautiful” author says she's used to standing out, but dealing with bullies, like people on the internet who dubbed her “World's Ugliest Woman”, is hard. Yet, in our beauty-obsessed culture, Velazquez always finds a way to thrive and inspire.

“I'm human … of course these things are going to hurt ... [but] I'm not going to let those things define me," she told HLN’s Dr. Drew Tuesday night.

She added, “The stares are kind of what I'm really dealing with in public right now … I'm starting to want to go up to these people and introduce myself or give them my card and say, ‘Hi, I'm Lizzie -- Maybe you should stop staring and start learning’.”

Chief Rabbi Sacks: Religion & Science

Is sexual abuse an excuse for murder?

NY Times  The scheduled execution of a convicted murderer has prompted pleas for clemency from thousands of people who argue that he should be spared because he had been sexually abused by his victim. 

The inmate, Terrance Williams, 46, is scheduled to be executed by lethal injection on Oct. 3 for killing a man after what his supporters say was years of being abused by the victim, as well as by a teacher and an older boy who first raped him when he was 6.

Mr. Williams was 18 in June 1984 when he beat to death Amos Norwood, 56. [...]

Mr. Williams’s history as a victim of abuse was unknown to the jurors who sentenced him to death in 1986, according to affidavits signed by five of them who said they would have voted instead for life in prison without parole if they had known all the facts.

An oncologist's weekly music therapy

Tablet Magazine  I was a junior faculty member at a Philadelphia medical school many Septembers ago, racing to meet a research deadline, when my partner on the project announced that I’d have to finish the work myself because he intended to return home to Baltimore for the High Holidays. “I rarely attend synagogue services,” he explained, “but singing familiar holiday songs makes me feel like part of a community.” Up to that point, he’d done most of the work, so I couldn’t argue. Besides, his observation about the power in the music resonated for me.

Music can bring a community together; that’s something that many of us notice at this time of year, when Jews around the world gather for High Holiday services and share in the music we hear from cantors, choirs, and our fellow congregants. But music also has the power to elevate our souls and soothe our spirits, whether we’re sitting in synagogue or attending a concert. And as I’ve learned in my years as a doctor treating cancer patients, music is even a powerful medical tool, capable of healing our bodies, our hearts, and our minds. Music is so powerful, in fact, that I’ve made it a regular part of my therapeutic treatment.

It started when a young woman came to me for treatment of a tumor in the Broca’s area, a part of the brain that controls speech. Almost as devastating for her as her bleak prognosis was her inability to talk. As I finished planning her radiation therapy, by coincidence, my wife gave me a copy of Oliver Saks’ best-selling book Musicophelia. A New York neurologist, Saks describes the case of a patient who experiences a stroke as a result of a Broca’s area hemorrhage. Saks discovers that, although his patient has lost the ability to express himself in conversation, the man can still sing. I wondered: Would the same phenomenon hold true for my patient?

The next day, when I visited the woman, I started to hum a popular song. Her family was initially wary of this odd behavior, but they started to sing along during the second verse. By the time we reached the chorus, the patient chimed in—with the words. The latter verses of the song were more challenging to get through since we were all swallowing our tears. [...]

Also See Haaretz In sickness a path to spiritual health

Pearl Engelman: Who is Nechemia Weberman?

The following originally appeared on Yerachmiel Lopin's blog. Because of the importance of publicizing Weberman's trial on October 30th - he asked that I republish it here with the permission of Pearl Engleman and Yerachmiel Lopin. The full text is found here  Frum Follies

How an Entire Community Of Sheep Were Deceived By Weberman

Guest Post by Pearl Engelman

As I write, I hold a list of 8 other victims. Can it really be that our community is so gullible as to believe the PR campaign for Weberman? Can it really be that our community is so willfully ignorant? That we WANT to believe that which makes us more comfortable despite the damage to innocent victims?

Many of my friends and acquaintances assumed my presence and media outspokenness at the protest against the fundraiser for accused sexual abuser Nechemia Weberman was due to my bitter experience with my son Yoiely’s molestation case. Not exactly wrong but not the whole story either.

This past Monday, May 14th, I received a call from an unknown woman asking if she could speak with me confidentially. When I assented she said “my daughter was sexually abused by Nechemia Weberman!” I listened in shock as she told me “when my daughter was 15 years old she began to dress differently than our family’s dress code and my husband and I were very worried about what this signified. We were advised to take her to Nechemia Weberman, the chassidishe (Hasidic) therapist for “troublesome” girls. We trusted Weberman fully, as he was also my husband’s good friend. During the 2 something years my daughter was in “therapy” with him she did not tell us what went on during almost every session.” I glanced at the caller ID and realized she was calling from upstate NY. My caller continued – “After my daughter’s wedding, one day she told me,

Mommy if you would know what Necehmia Weberman did to me you would kill yourself! He showed me sex videos, he made me do ——- to him, he did —— to me, and he told me that I should never, ever tell anyone because no one would ever believe me as I was known as a “troublemaker” and he was known as a very chosheve (prominent) person; I would have no credibility and would only damage my reputation further! He tried to convince me that no one understood me, cared for me or loved me as he did. For sure my parents did not understand me or love me!

To say the caller took my breath away is an understatement. Listening to the sorrowful tone of her voice was awful. Then she said “in hindsight I now remember that whenever I called him for a progress report or an update on my daughter a strange thing happened. He would actually instigate me against my daughter! I used to wonder why doesn’t he say something like – Don’t worry – we are working with her – there is hope for improvement – instead he would say what an ‘azas ponim (brazen girl) she was, how she would burn in gehenim (hell)  for her behavior!’ I would be so very angry at her and she at me; we were going at each other all the time.”

And then my caller told me her name! This family is not “nobody”, this is a well known, beautifully functional family! Very frum (observant) family! She explained to me that because her husband’s livelihood was dependant on the Heimishe (ultra orthodox) public they could not openly expose Weberman. Being from the community they knew the backlash would be directed against their daughter and themselves. And because their daughter was happily married they did not want to rock that boat either.

Her story continued: “When the campaign in support of Weberman was started this winter and I saw the signatures of the Rabbonim (rabbis) I couldn’t bear it anymore. I myself went to Rabbi Teitelbaum (son of the Satmar Rebbe, Zalmen Leib) and to Rabbi Pollack and told them my story. They were shocked,  Oiy, oiy vey, we didn’t know, we were told he was the victim of a bilbul (libel). However, you should know – we are still yiddishe kinder (Jewish children) and for this Weberman doesn’t have to sit in jail. We will take care of him and he will never do this again, and do not hinder us from protecting him!”

How do we say it? REVICTIMIZING THE VICTIM! In essence they are telling this poor mother – go home, choke your feelings and do not stop us from supporting and helping the man who violated your child! Has there ever been anything as cruel, as pitiless, as UNJEWISH? Is this really us? Don’t we stand for the emes (truth), for yoisher (rectitude)? A thought just occurred to me: Al pi torah (according to the torah) what was their responsibility after hearing from the mother?

I gently asked her what could I do to help? Her sorrowful answer was: “I don’t know”. Why did she call me now? Because she feels so terribly sick when she sees the fundraising campaign for Weberman. [...]

NYC votes to Regulate MBP Circumcision Rite

Tablet Magazine  The New York City board of health has unanimously passed a regulation requiring that parents sign a consent form before the circumcision practice known as metzitzah b’peh can be carried out by a mohel. The rite, in which the mohel uses his mouth to remove blood from the incision, is a prevalent custom in some ultra-Orthodox communities.  

In recent months, rabbis, citing infringement on religious practice, have threatened to sue the city if measures against the rite are enacted. On the other side of the issue, a number of medical professionals have spoken out heatedly against the practice being allowed at all. After the measure passed (which has seemingly toothless penalties), one of the panel members, Dr. Joel A. Forman said that “it’s crazy that we allow this to go on.”

In many ways, this measure is a happy medium between allowing a controversial religious custom to continue unfettered and banishing the practice altogether. As expected, neither side is happy though.

Rav Dessler: Nature of women IV p 116

‏בחירתם של האיש והאשה וענין דו פרצופיך

אמרו ז"ל (עירוביך י ח: ) בתחילה בבראו אדם וחוה בגוף אחד אלא שהיו לו שני פרצופים, ואחר כך הופרדו" עיין שם (:

והנה "גוף" פירושו הבחינה התחתונה שבנפש (כמבואר אצלנו במקום אחר). ושם בחירת האדם. ומה שבתחילה היה לאדם וחוה גוף אחד היינו שלכתחילה לא נבראה האשה אלא להיות כלי לאיש לענין העמדת תולדות ולא היתה לכל אחד מהם בחירה בפני עמצו, אלא בחירתם – "גופם" היתה אחת. 

‏והנה אדם הראשון היה חכם גדול מאד. היינו שהשגתו באמת היהתה גדולה כי היר קרא שמות לכל בעלי החיים, היינו שהכיר את תוכנם ותפקידם האמיתי בבריאה: ונאמר "וכל אשר יקרא לא האדם...הוא שמו" היינו שהסכימה דעתו לדעת המקום (חזקוני) . והוא בעצמו לא היה חוטא בשום אופן ולא היה מעלה על דעתו כלל לחטוא. כמו  שנראה שגם אחר כך לא אכל מן העז אלא לעשות רצון האשה כי  השגותיו היו גדולות כל כך שבהיותו הבוחר היחידי אי אפשר היה לשטן לפתותו  ‏ואז לא היה משקל שוה בין יצר טוב ליצר רע. ולכן הפריד ממנו השי"ת את האשה, היינו שנתך לה בחירה בפני עצמה, ועל ידי זה נתחזק כח היצר הרע עד שבין שניהם הושוה המשקל ביו יצר טוב ליצר רע. (כמובן הכל מדובר לפי מדרגת גן עדן עיין כרן ב, עמ' 137 ‏ ואילך) . 

‏והטעם למה לכתחילה נבראו באופן זה. שלא תהיה כניסה כלל ליצר הרע, היה כדי להעמיד את צד הטוב על חזקתו, שתתחזק הכרת האדם באמת.‏זה יהיה לו לסיוע אחר כך כשתהיה הסתה מצד היצר. ובמצב הראשון היתה האשה רק כלי לאיש בלי בחירה משלה, כמבואר לעיל.

‏ובאמת גם  עתה גדרה ובחירתה הם להיות כלי לאיש, באמרם ז"ל ‏(סנהדרין כב.) "האשה גולם היא ואינה כורתה בברית אלא למי שעושה אותה כלי" וטבע האשה להרגיש כבודה וחשיבותה בכבודו וחשיבותו של בעלה. והענין בזה הוא, כי תכלית האשה היא בבחינת "נר מצוה" וזו של האיש בבחינת "ותורה אור" (עיין זהר תרומה קסו.). והיינו שבחירת האשה היא בתיקון הגשמיות במצוות ומעשים טובים להכין את הנר (הכלי הגשמי, דהיינו הבית) ובחירתו של האיש – להתעלות בתורה ולהדליק את הנר באור תורה, שאור התורה הרוחני ימלא את הבית, וכמו שנר בלי אור אינו כלום, כך אור בלי נר אינו יכול להאיר (זהר שם) והיינו שבחירת האיש ובחירת האשה משלימות זו את זו)