Abuse - Sex and Kiruv/Being friendly

Kiddushin(70a): He said, “Let my daughter Donag serve drinks.” He replied, “But Shmuel said that one may not make use of a woman.” “But she is only a child!”“But Shmuel said explicitly not to make use of a woman at all whether she is and adult or a child.”

Kiddushin(81b):Rav Acha went to visit Rav Chisda his son‑in‑law. He took his young granddaughter and put her on his lap. Rav Chisda asked: Don’t you know she is betrothed [and thus you not show affection because she is a married woman – Rashi]? Rav Acha said: Then you have violated Rav ruling that one should not betroth a child while she is still a minor but should wait until she has grown up and say who she wants to marry. Rav Chisda said: But you have transgressed Shmuel ruling - by placing her on your lap – that one should not utilize a woman. Rav Acha said: I am following a different ruling of Shmuel that all is to be done for the sake of Heaven [and my intent was not love of a woman but rather to show affection for my granddaughter and make my daughter happy when she see me being affectionate - Rashi]

Beis Shmuel(E.H. 21:11): Only their intent should be for the sake of Heaven – to make it pleasant for her father and mother and other such things. Because of this there is a custom to dance with the kallah in order to make her more beloved of the chasan or to honor or father. However it is appropriate for a talmid chachom to be strict. The Bach writes that in our land the practice is to be lenient and not to prohibit it. It is apparent from Tosfos that all that is not for the sake of love but for the sake of Heaven is permitted.

Beis Shmuel(E.H. 21:12): To examine her scalp – for lice…It would appear that there is a distinction between examination of his wife – which is not to be done in the presence of others because they will come to sexual fantasy because they will remember their own personal intimacies but concerning his daughter or his sister and granddaughter there is no memories stirred of indelicacies and therefore it is permitted before others.

Rambam(Hilchos Ishus 21:5): It is prohibited to make use of a woman at all – whether she is an adult or a child or whether she is a slave or a free woman – because it might lead to sexual fantasy. What type of service are we talking about? It is washing his face and feet, making his bed before him, filling up his cup – all of these things are only to be done by his wife. Furthermore one should not ask after the welfare of a woman at all – even by means of an intermediary.

Shulchan Aruch(E.H. 21:5): It is prohibited to utilize a woman at all. It doesn’t matter whether she is an adult or child or whether she is a slave or a free woman – because this might lead to sexual fantasy. What utilization are we talking about? It is the washing of his face, hands and feet. Even to pour the water to wash his face, hands and feet even with out touching him is prohibited. Making his bed before him and pouring his cup. Rema Some say that it is also prohibited with all prohibited relations to eat from a common dish – just as when his wife is a nidah. Some are lenient with all these because they are only prohibited when his wife is a nidah. Others say that all of this is only in private but in a location where many people are present such as a bath – it is permitted to wash from non-Jewish slaves. And that is the way we are accustomed. Others say that all actions which are not done in a loving manner but his intent is for the sake of heaven is permitted. Therefore we are accustomed to be lenient with these things. Some people say that we are not to act even with one’s wife in acts of loving affections – such as to examine the scalp for lice – in the presence of others.

Tosfos(Kiddushin 82a): Everything is to be done for the sake of heaven - We rely on this now to permit utilizing women.

Abuse - Sex and Kiruv III

Rav Sternbuch has a teshuva 5:278 regarding the incident described before. It is part of a larger discussion about men teaching Torah in girls seminary.

At this point it is important to note that in recent times that kiruv (religious outreach) has become widespread. They have succeeded in bringing back many souls to the life of Torah. However it is often a mitzva habah b'aveira (a mitza associated with sin) because of the close association of teachers or rabbonim to the girls in private conversation. This brings many tragedies and causes chillul HaShem (profanation of G-d's name). (There have already been a number of cases that have come before us at the Bedatz concerning kiruv workers who deal with girls and women which have resulted in tragedy.)

Obama hovers from on high

Washington Post Charles Krauthammer

When President Obama returned from his first European trip, I observed that while over there he had been "acting the philosopher-king who hovers above the fray mediating" between America and the world. Now that Obama has returned from his "Muslim world" pilgrimage, even the left agrees. "Obama's standing above the country, above -- above the world. He's sort of God," Newsweek's Evan Thomas said to a concurring Chris Matthews, reflecting on Obama's lofty perception of himself as the great transcender.

Not that Obama considers himself divine. (He sees himself as merely messianic, or, at worst, apostolic.) But he does position himself as hovering above mere mortals, mere country, to gaze benignly upon the darkling plain beneath him where ignorant armies clash by night, blind to the common humanity that only he can see. Traveling the world, he brings the gospel of understanding and godly forbearance. We have all sinned against each other. We must now look beyond that and walk together to the sunny uplands of comity and understanding. He shall guide you. Thus:

(A) He told Iran that, on the one hand, America once helped overthrow an Iranian government, while on the other hand "Iran has played a role in acts of hostage-taking and violence against U.S. troops and civilians." (Played a role?!) We have both sinned; let us bury the past and begin anew.

(B) On religious tolerance, he gently referenced the Christians of Lebanon and Egypt, then lamented that the "divisions between Sunni and Shia have led to tragic violence" (note the use of the passive voice). He then criticized (in the active voice) Western religious intolerance for regulating the wearing of the hijab -- after citing America for making it difficult for Muslims to give to charity.

(C) Obama offered Muslims a careful admonition about women's rights, noting how denying women education impoverishes a country -- balanced, of course, with this: "Issues of women's equality are by no means simply an issue for Islam." Example? "The struggle for women's equality continues in many aspects of American life."[...]

Rav Sternbuch - G-d provides

52

Abuse - Sex and Kiruv II

I made a comment in the previous posting that, " The first recorded case was in fact Zimri - who was the first kiruv rabbi who fell in the line of duty - trying to convert the non-Jewish princess." RaP questioned by noting that Avraham was the first kiruv rabbi. The answer is simply that Zimri was the first kiruv rabbi who died because of his kiruv techniques.

Below are some of the discussion of Rav Tzadok of the problem of confusing lust with holiness. It is a major theme of his and he brings in such topics as Amalek and Esther's relationship with Achashveros as well as Rabbi Akiva and why ultimately the Oral Torah is from converts.

Rav Tzadok also notes that sexual lust is a major problem for those studying kabbala because there are many sexual concepts. In fact a number of years ago there was a kabbalist in the Old City who had a study group with women and it was discovered he was having intimate relations with a number of them.

Rav Tzadok^[1](Machshavos Charutz #4): Zimri went to Moshe with the defense, “And who permitted the daughter of Yisro to you?” In other words Zimri was defending his sexual activity with Kosbi as being permitted to him as being a spiritual activity in the same way that Tzipora was permitted to Moshe. This is according to the explanation of the Arizal that Kosbi had the soul of Dina and Zimri was convinced that all his lusts were genuine spiritual desires in accord with the Torah…

Rav Tzadok^[2](Likutei Amarim #16): Zimri went to Moshe with the defense, “And who permitted the daughter of Yisro to you?” That is when Moshe married Tzipora she had not yet converted since she was under the control of her father Yisro to the degree that the Mechilta says that Yisro insisted to Moshe that his first son should be for idolatry – conversion came later…

Rav Tzadok^[3](Takanas HaShavim #6): Dina was incarnated in Kosbi whose father was the source of evil of Midian who wanted to destroy the Jews so that they would be like all the other nations. But Kosbi didn’t listen to her father and wanted to convert if Zimri was interested. This is the meaning of Zimri’s claim, “Who permitted Tzipora to you?” Zimri grabbed Kosbi by her hair in the manner of the Amorites while she was still a non‑Jew because he was the incarnation of Shechem and he sensed that there are souls of non‑Jews that come into to Jews and non‑Jews who have Jewish souls. He thought that by having intercourse with Kosbi he would collect the holy sparks that were in her while she was still a non‑Jew.

Rav Tzadok^[4](Takanas HaShavim #15): Zimri meant by his defense to Moshe, “And who permitted the daughter of Yisro to you?” that the children he had with Kosbi would be considered Jews. Thus he was doing a sin for the sake of Heaven which is like a mitzva not for the sake of Heaven (Nazir 23b)…

^[1] רב צדוק (מחשבות חרוץ - אות ד ע' ז:): וזמרי בא למשה רבינו ע"ה בטענת בת יתרו מי התיר לך שפירשו בו קמאי דבא בטענה שמכיר שגם היא ראויה לו כצפורה למשה רבינו ע"ה, וכנודע מטעם האריז"ל שהיה בה נשמת דינה וחשב שגם הוא כל תאוות שלו על פי התורה, ובירור התאוה הוא על ידי הקנאה שהוא היפך התאוה וקנאים פגעו בו...

^[2] רב צדוק (ליקוטי אמרים - אות טז): והוא טען בת יתרו מי התיר לך היינו דבעת נשואין עדיין לא גיירה שהיה תחת ידי יתרו עד שאמרו ז"ל (מכילתא יתרו א') דהתנה עמו בן ראשון וכו' רק דסופה להתגייר, וגם הם ראו אז במדינים דסופן הטף בנשים החיו לכם דנדבקו בישראל והשאר נהרגו כולם וחשב דעתידין לידבק הכל ולהתגייר ועל ידי זה נצמח עיקר תאוה זו בהם:

^[3] רב צדוק (תקנת השבין - אות ו): ועל כן דינה נתגלגלה בכזבי בת נשיא מדין שכזבה באביה שהיה נשיא ושורש כח הרע שבמדין ורצה להכשיל ישראל ולהמשיכם למקום שאין להם שייכות ולהיות ככל הגוים, אבל היא לא שמעה לו ודבקה רק במקום שהיה לה שייכות והיא היתה מתרצית להתגייר גם כן אילו רצה זמרי, וזהו טעם טענתו בת יתרו מי התיר לך כי גם היא דוגמתה חפצה לידבק בישראל לא להמשיך ישראל להם, אלא שהוא תפשה בבלוריתה שהוא דרכי האמורי וכאשר היא עדיין בגיותה כי הוא גלגול שכם והרגיש בדבר זה שיש נפשות גוים מתגלגלות בישראל ודישראל בגוים, ודימה מזה דאפשר להיות גם כן קליטה לניצוצות קדושות גם בעודן בגיותן ובפרט במדין שסמוך לעמלק:

^[4] רב צדוק (תקנת השבין - אות טו): וכן זמרי שטען בת יתרו מי התיר לך חשב שגם הנולדים מאלו יחשבו על זרע ישראל והוא בא להכניס גם מהם תחת כנפי שכינה, ועבירה לשמה היא כמצוה שלא לשמה כמו שאמרו בנזיר (כג:) ובישראל אזלינן בתר המחשבה טובה ובאומות אחר מעשה הרע היפך במצוה שלא לשמה,

Abuse - children are valid witnesses II

Abuse - children are valid witnesses I

Sho’el U’Me’shiv(1:185):... And here, in [the week of] Parashas Va’era, a letter reached me with testimony signed by three respected men, and one man who recognizes the signatures, and two young men testified, one who is now 15 years old and one who is today 13 years old or more, that in their youth when they learned from him, boys of around 9 years or less, he would defile them with homosexual intercourse, for they would sleep with him in a bed in the room where he lived, and the things came with much elaboration that is disgusting to put into writing. And this is what I responded: in truth, I already went on at length about this in a responsum, that to disqualify a person it is necessary that there be two kosher witnesses, and I brought the words of the Pri Chadash and the Ritva that to disqualify a person it requires two kosher witnesses, and that it is like capital matters. And if so, in this case, where they were minors at the time of the act and they are only believed to testify in their adulthood about what they saw in their childhood for questions of rabbinic law [not biblical], as elaborated in Choshen Mishpat siman 35, and here to disqualify a person they are certainly not believed. However, according to what the Mahari”k and the Terumas Ha-Deshen wrote, and the Rem”a set in the Shulchan Aruch, that in a situation where kosher witnesses are not necessary, even a woman and a minor child are believed. And if so, in this matter, where it is definitely impossible for there to be adult men, and it is impossible for there to be testimony in the matter, for without a doubt this man even if he is wicked and corrupt, but his acts are in secret and he only amuses himself with young children, and he is like one who (mislahleha be-zikim?) and says “I am only playing.” If so, it is obvious that they are believed to testify, and are we also [not - GS] coming to disqualify him from testimony and oaths but only say that perhaps he did this. And they already said in Niddah (61), this bad talk [i.e. lashon ha-ra], even though to accept it is not required, to be concerned however is required. And in Moed Kattan (18) they said that this bad talk—in any event some bit of it is true. And if so, however, woe unto us that in our days such a thing arose, that a man like this would be a teacher of young children of the study house, the breath of whose mouth is pure, and there is a concern that the breath of his unclean mouth will defile them. And therefore, in my opinion it is appropriate to remove the crown of education from his head, and they should worry for their lives until he fully repents with afflictions as appropriate, and then he will return to accept the status of a full community member and it will be for him atonement for his sins. And as long as he does not admit his sins repentance is inapplicable, as the Tevu'os Shor wrote in siman 2. And I went on at length about this in a responsum to Dravitch… And here, regarding what was written above from this bad talk, even though to accept it is not required, to be concerned however is required, I found afterward in the Mahari”k shoresh 188, that he wrote that this is specifically to save them that it is permitted to desist [based on the lashon ha-ra], but not to punish them with any punishment, and to embarrass them is prohibited based on bad talk. However, this is specific to the case there, where there was only bad talk. But here there was a testimony, even if there are no kosher witnesses it is worth more than (mere) bad talk, and it is obvious that one should desist from giving him students.

Questioning the validty of a convert or Jew

This post was originally about Reform rabbis who were intermarried. The comment was made that there are also intermarried Orthodox Rabbis. This resulted in the following question: While it is true that if someone converts for the sake of marriage but they promise to keep mitzvos - the conversion is valid. However if someone questions the sincerity of a conversion for marriage - are they to be cursed? Have they committed an aveira? Rav Sherman said that Rabbi Druckman's converts were questionable. Did he have the right or ability to make such a statement? In our case - in which the future wives of Orthodox rabbis converted and the mikve ladies refused to supervise the tevila - it was reported that Rav O. Yosef and Rav Shmueli both cursed the mikve ladies. What prohibitions were these women accused of violating?

In sum, to what degree do people have the right or ability to question the validity of converts or even Jews? What manifestations of this doubt are legitimate. For example do you have the right to refuse to eat the food the converts prepare? Do you have to count them for a minyan?

You might remember a while back there was a Lakewood avreich whose Judaism was questioned - and it turned out he wasn't Jewish. Apparently those who raised the question committed no sin. I recently heard of a case where a woman was married as a Jew - not a convert and she lived for a number of years in the community had several kids and then her Jewish status was questioned by members of the community including a rabbi. Latest I heard the beis din asked to certify her as Jewish - has not found sufficient evidence that she is a Jew. None of the rabbis that I talked with have said that it was prohibited to question her status as a Jew.

Because these are current concerns - I am making this a separate post

Pikuach nefesh - is depression?/R' Moshe Feinstein

In my comments to a previous post, I made the assertion that Rav Moshe Feinstein is cited incorrectly by Rav Zilberstein. While it is true that both say that depression can endanger life - it seems that they do not agree as to how. The following seems to suggest that Rav Moshe labels pikuach nefesh as something which leads to suicide or clearly diminishes ones life while Rav Zilberstein seems to feel that any major psychological pressure itself decreases life.


Igros Moshe(O.H. 5:18): Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 306:9): “It is prohibited to ask a non‑Jew to travel outside of the techum on Shabbos to notify the relatives of the deceased to come and to eulogize him. However concerning a terminally ill person who asks that his relatives be notified it is definitely permitted.” The Levushei Serad says that it is permitted to pay a non‑Jew to travel so that the sick person won’t become severely agitated (tiruf daas) since this is included in the category of pikuach nefesh which permits violation of Shabbos. However I have not found any basis to permit this for the sake of a terminally ill person to prevent him from getting severely agitated (tiruf daas) – except for a rabbinic prohibition. I am astounded that the Levushei Serad said that it is permitted because of pikuach nefesh. His explanation that tiruf daas (severe agitation) is a sickness which endangers the person. That is only so for a healthy person who might come to commit suicide because of his agitation. However for a terminally ill person (shechiv m’rah) there is no basis to be concerned for this and therefore this is not considered pikuach nefesh. However more thought is needed as to what the actual halacha is in this case.

Turkey and abused wives

CNN

In a landmark case, the European Court of Human Rights ruled Tuesday that Turkish authorities failed to protect a woman from her abusive ex-husband, effectively allowing his pattern of domestic violence to lead to the killing of her mother at gunpoint.

Judges unanimously ruled that the Turkish state violated three articles prohibiting torture and discrimination, and ensuring the right to life of the victim.

Legal experts said the ruling sets a precedent throughout Turkey and Europe for governments to protect women from domestic abuse. [...]

According to a Turkish government study released in February, four out of 10 Turkish women are beaten by their husbands. The European Union-funded poll concluded that "one out of 10 women has reported to have been beaten during her pregnancy."[...]

Tuskan cited polls that indicate up to 40 percent of Turkish women believe they deserve to be beaten by their husbands.[...]

R' Broyde - Informing & other articles

Informing on others - mesira

Enabling a Jew to sin

Child custody

Adoption

Marriage, models of sexuality and reproduction

Pikauch nefesh - reading tshuvos accurately

I just came across a discusion of a teshuva in the Igros Moshe by Rav Zilberstein - and he seems to cite it inaccurately First I'll quote his discussion of the issue - and then the relevant excerpt from the Igros Moshe. This is a caution that even such a great talmid chachom occacionly makes errors. It doesn't necessary invalidate the halachic conclusion but it does show that his conclusion can not be learned from the statement of Rav Moshe that he cites. He says that it deals with a married couple that would need to divorce. Rav Moshe in fact is dealing with two people who want to marry and he says that it is significant whether they are married or only contemplating marriage. Secondly the issue involves whether there is a heter for birth control - when there are lenient and stringent view among the rabbis for this situation. Because of danger to the woman Rav Moshe allows the use of the lenient in their case. Thus it would seem that even if it were a condition of pikuach nefesh - if there weren't lenient views - Rav Moshe would not permit birth control. But in his conclusion he prohibits the use of birth control because with total bed rest pregnancy is not dangerous for her condition. The fact that total bedrest for nine months is a very stressful thing does not enter into the evaluation. Thus Rav Zilberstein's statement that pikuach nefesh overrules the entire Torah - is not the view expressed in the Igros Moshe where he doesn't even use the word pikuach nefesh and he gives leniencies only on a very circumscribed basis.

Rav Zilberstein( Assia Nissan 5747): In the Igros Moshe (1:67) concerning a young couple who are so much in love that if their marriage would be ended the woman would be in danger because of her severe upset which is equivalent to a condition of pikuach nefesh. It is also know that a woman who doesn’t have children for 10 years that according to the law of the Torah it is permitted for the husband to divorce her so that he can marry another woman and fulfill the obligation to have children. Nevetheless if there is a real concern that because of being divorced the woman will go into severe depression and danger – then this is pikuach nefesh which overrules the entire Torah.

Igros Moshe(E.H. 1:67):This concerns a 40 year old man who has never had children and he wants to marry a young woman whom he finds attractive and she is Torah observant. This is something which is difficult for him to find. However unfortunately she has kidney disease and therefore according to the doctors it would be dangerous for her to become pregnant at the present time. However at a later time when her condition has improved it would not be dangerous to become pregnant. The question is whether they can get married and have permission to use birth control methods to prevent pregnancy?… However nevertheless if you see that they are so much in love until it would possibly be a danger to one of them if they didn’t get married. In particular the concern is for the sick and weak young lady - who besides that she would not be able to marry him but also there is concern because of her condition that she would be prohibited to marry everyone and thus be in an very unfortunate situation – there is a basis to permit them to marry with birth control. But this is only on the condition that they are modest and reliable with many warnings not to publicize that they received permission [to follow the lenient opinions]. But on the other hand I have heard that if there is total bedrest during the entire pregnancy – there is no danger to a woman who is sick with kidney disease. Therefore in fact there is no permission to use birth control. Rather they should be advised that if she becomes pregnant that she should have total bedrest.

Obama's reversal on gay soldiers

Time magazine

[...] The endorsement of "Don't ask, don't tell" by the Administration marks the latest rightward tack by Obama. The President denounced many of George W. Bush's national-security policies during the campaign, but in office has adopted more conservative positions, including endorsing military commissions to try purported terrorists, and declining to release a second batch of photographs depicting alleged U.S. maltreatment of Iraqi detainees. His stance on "Don't ask, don't tell" may be more surprising, because Obama aides have made clear the President wants the ban lifted eventually.[...]

Pikuach nefesh from being labeled as abused

The following story illustrates the complexity of abuse. If you want to used the heter of rodef to call the police because the abuser is endangering the victims life - you also need to understand that it is an issue of pikuach nefesh in being labeled as a victim of abuse and having your family labeled as containing an abuse victim. That stigma is also pikuach nefesh.


Brisker Rav (Rav Zilberstein Assia Nissan 5747): There was a case of a sick person who requested that the doctor allow him to fast on Yom Kippur. This was because his condition had significantly improved and his life was no longer in danger. The Brisker Rav told the doctor that pikuach nefesh doesn’t mean that right now there is a danger that might cause death. Rather even if fasting influences him so that when he has a recurrence of the illness - that he will die before his time – that is also considered pikuach nefesh. Therefore the sick person is obligated to eat rather than fast on Yom Kippur. The doctor replied that the aggravation that is caused to the sick person by his awareness that he is categorized as being in a fragile condition is liable to endanger his life. The Brisker Rav accepted the doctor’s words and replied, “If so we have to think very carefully how to act.”