Who is the boss? - a father's story

 I have a story to tell, and it’s an important one – the question once arose, “can we simply push aside the 5th commandment?” This might seem like an odd question, but the question arose during an odd experience under strange circumstances. The Rosh Yeshiva is always known as the more influential leader– even greater than the Yeshiva. With that said, my son was studying Torah at well-known Yeshiva in New York.

At this school, I was under the impression that he’d study Torah and learn how to connect with a mesora that was laid forth by his parents. However, when I learned that Rosh Yeshiva was teaching his own mesora, I found myself disheartened. As an Orthodox Jew, the power of the Rosh Yeshiva is not unknown to me. He’s a considerable influence outside of school as well. In the community, he’s a leader and a policy maker, and he’s often called to act in such capacity. But to make children rebel against their parents? That was unheard of, and it was something that I wasn’t willing to take lightly.

I began to take note of just how closed off this Yeshiva community was from others. There was absolutely no accountability, and as a result, I was treated with contempt. Not to mention, any speak of seeing a gadol together was solemnly rejected. The community believed that survival as a distinct entity necessitates more than just education. In other words, they believed in indoctrination. However, that left parents – like me – scrambling to understand just what our children were being taught and indoctrinated into.

I found myself increasingly perplexed by what was unfolding before me, but I looked to the past to gain clarity. Rabbi Salanter was concerned that without ethical behavior and spiritual warmth, study of the Talmud would become motivated by vanity, and that adherence to the laws would turn into an unfeeling, mechanical process. At that moment, I realized that the Rosh Yeshiva was precisely what Rabbi Salanter envisioned happening one day.

My son has not eaten at my home in over two years, and yet, the Rosh Yeshiva will not permit me and my son to see a mediator. Moreover, the Rosh Yeshiva will not visit a mediator with me either. As a parent, I will fight for my child. I will fight to ensure that my child doesn’t fall victim to such strict indoctrination, and I will not sit idly by while the Rosh Yeshiva calls me “bizarre,” “strange,” and, “someone with poor judgement.” Every parent has a right to inquire about the welfare of their child – even when they’re older. And every parent deserves a satisfactory answer. That’s what I’m here to do.