Women & funerals: Halacha & minhag?

Bartley Kulp: Can the moderator of this blog elaborate on this? I am not aware of the halachot of women doing a hesped.

The following rather disrespectful article assumes that the only issue of concern is what a child thinks is appropriate. There are a few other elements involved. 1) the deceased - what is really best for him -spiritually and in the way he is remembered. How is honor and respect shown him/her 2) Family. - what is respectful and sensitive to the feelings of the mourners. These two elements are referred to in halacha has the honor of the living and honor of the dead. So first you need to establish which takes precedent.

3) the community. If the community has a particular way of doing something - whether it is halacha, kabbla or minhag - is it respectful to the niftar to insult them and consequently degrade the respect of the niftar?

The details themselves are complex and vary between communities and even within communities. On a social level - if a person wants the community and especially the Rav to participate - she can not dictate how the ceremony is done. In Yerushalayim the children don't go to funerals. Furthermore the issue of woman in cemeteries is taken very seriously in kabbala. Even the Gra said that he only went to a cemetery once in his life - for his mother - and he was seriously damaged.

Rav Moshe Feinstein says that the main consideration is what brings respect in the eyes of the community to the niftar. Thus he says that even if the mourner does not feel sad - he should act sad. The mourner does not in fact have an obligation to feel sad.

In sum, the mourner is free to do what he/she wants on her own. Without forcing the community and the Rav to witness something they view as an insult to the niftar. She should be aware of what her father would have wanted - and not just what she wants for her personal catharsis. This article assumes that the only thing of importance is what a particular child wants to do to feel better.

It has been noted that it is prohibited to get pleasure from the deceased when it is not for the benefit of the deceased - even feeling good about giving a hesped is in this category.

YNET

Rabbi: Satan dances as women attend funerals

Head of Migdal Haemek's religious council stops woman from lamenting her deceased father. 'He acted like a dictator. Do we live in Iran?' woman's cousin asks

Batya (pseudonym) will not forget the day her father was buried at the Migdal Haemek cemetery. Not only was she forced to deal with a great loss, she was also humiliated at the graveyard when she was prevented from lamenting her father over this grave.

The father was laid to rest at the northern city's municipal cemetery. In addition to family members and acquaintances, the funeral was also attended by rabbis, the mayor and chairman of the city's religious council, Rabbi Yaakov Amar.[...]

Before the funeral procession began, Batya asked to deliver an oration in her father's memory.

"I wrote my father things that sting one's flesh. There are things you don’t say during your life, but you want them heard when bidding farewell," she says.

She went on the stage and said she would like to lament her father, but Rabbi Amar suddenly asked her to get off the podium.

"I was surprised. I looked at him and said, 'What do you mean? I want to say a few words to my father.' But he insisted," she says. "The mayor and other people tried to talk to him, and he replied, 'You are a woman, you mustn't say a word.'

"I tried to grab the microphone back, but he blocked me with his body. I felt I had to fight to say goodbye to my father. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me."

Other family members tried to convince the rabbi, but to no avail. "He acted like a dictator, arguing that she was desecrating the dead and that according to the Halacha (Jewish law) a woman is not allowed to deliver orations," Batya's cousin says.

"Where is that written? What, do we live in Iran? This is a stain on this city's reputation," he says.[...]