Shalom Bayis:Where is source for counseling?

I have just gone through a number of gemoras dealing with the damage that that comes from having a bad wife. Not one of them suggest going to a rav or chachom or even working on the issue. The solution given is simply to get divorced.

Shabbos (11a): All evil is bearable but not a bad wife

Yevamos(63b) Raba said: [If one has] a bad wife it is a meritorious act to divorce her, for it is said, Cast out the scoffer, and contention will go out; yea, strife and shame will cease.  

Yevamos (63b): Raba further stated: A bad wife, the amount of whose kethubah is large, [should be given] a rival at her side; as people say, By her partner rather than by a thorn

 Yevamos (63b): A bad wife is a plague to her husband. What remedy has he? Let him give her a letter of divorce and be healed of his plague 

 The case of erasing G-d's name in the case of Sotah would seem to be a support. However  it seems that the law of Sotah is  unique and not meant to be generalized. 

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My simple therefore question is: What is the source of the shalom bayis with the meaning of counseling.

Why do you need a source for shalom bayis being therapy?

I think it is obvious. The way you respond to strife in marriage reflects what you think marriage is. What you perceive as malfunction in the relationship tells you what marriage is and what this particular marriage is not accomplishing. The apparent Torah description indicates it is simply a type of alliance for the mutual benefit of both parties and society. However modern understanding is that it is the necessary relationship for emotional and psychological needs and therefore a marriage where both sides fulfill their halachic obligations but isn't fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as well as lacking in love - needs to be fixed or ended. Therefore if all the sources dealing with strife in marriage focus on ending conflict - police actions - then there is no concern for love, affection or psychological issues. Consequently one could conclude these issues are not required by the Torah.

Of course one can say that even though they are not the Torah understand are still relevant. That is because the current conceptualization is ais l'asos - that since we are strongly influenced by the non-Jewish culture we need to have love (Hollywood style), fulfillment etc etc - then it would seem to be fine to now be concerned with them. It is simply a pragmatic reality for our times. It doesn't matter on a practical level what happened in the past. We are simply existing in a transient blip in history and we do what we do for the current needs for the members of our society - not what our ancestors 500 years ago did.

However the corollary of viewing this as a transient emergency measure is that we need to be aware of the ideal - when conditions change. Therefore when we get more control and isolate ourselves from the surrounding cultural atmosphere we should be returning to the Torah understanding - the relationship devoid of emotion and psychological fulfillment. Thus the information is for the future - for knowing the ideal so we can return to it.

But there is another approach as to why this question is important. This is the view which is expressed by Rav Tzadok. He holds that the Torah view evolves or progresses for the better. He says we do in fact learn and incorporate ideas from the goyim. Rav Tzadok notes our job is to sanctify these innovations. Therefore the ideal is looking forward and disgarding the past references which are no longer appropriate or allowed. According to this view if a husband insists on following the view of Chazal and Rishonim in this area - he is seriously derelict in his duty. Similarly a wife can't view herself as a baby machine whose job description is described entirely by behavioral requirements and she doesn't need to show love and affection. In other words you can't go back and you fail miserably in Avoda HaShem by trying.

In short this question is a major probe into the essence of what marriage is and what it needs to accomplish. 

Psychological & emotional abuse: A A of Pediatrics

Psychological Maltreatment Published online July 30, 2012 Pediatrics Vol. 130 No. 2 August 1, 2012 pp. 372 -378 (doi: 10.1542/peds.2012-1552)

by Roberta Hibbard, MD,Jane Barlow, DPhil, Harriet MacMillan, MD, andthe Committee on Child Abuse and Neglect and AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CHILD AND ADOLESCENT PSYCHIATRY, Child Maltreatment and Violence Committee

Abstract

Psychological or emotional maltreatment of children may be the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect. Caregiver behaviors include acts of omission (ignoring need for social interactions) or commission (spurning, terrorizing); may be verbal or nonverbal, active or passive, and with or without intent to harm; and negatively affect the child’s cognitive, social, emotional, and/or physical development. Psychological maltreatment has been linked with disorders of attachment, developmental and educational problems, socialization problems, disruptive behavior, and later psychopathology.[...]

Chassidim discover that Shabbos Goy is a Jew

Arutz Sheva The Seret-Vizhnitz Chassidic community in Haifa was shocked to discover this week that the man who for years had served as the local “Sabbath gentile” was in fact Jewish.

The Ladaat website, which revealed the story, reported that the man in question is of Romanian origin and himself believed that he and his entire family were Christian.

He worked for one of the Chassidic community’s institutions, and helped many people by performing activities prohibited to Jews on the Sabbath. A “Sabbath gentile” may assist in certain types of prohibited Sabbath labor.

Rav Gestetner: No need for heter 100 rabbis - minority view?

I posted a letter from Rav Gestetner in July 2012 regarding a dispute between Rav Gestetner and Rav Shlomo Miller. At that time the claim was the Rav Gestetner was out on the fringe etc without support from major poskim. The following was sent me today which seems to give an entirely different picture. If anyone has the original letter from Rav Miller I would like to add it to this post.

Just added two important letters 1) from my brother and 2) a letter from sent by Rav Knopfler of the Bedatz of Lakewood

Daas Torah July 2012 Remarry without heter 100 Rabbonim?

R Golderberger Support Letters

Get Me'usa: Rav Rosenberg

As a consequence of the increasingly large number of gittin that are invalid according to the Torah, and are causing adulterous relations and increasing numbers of mamzerim, we are publicizing the problem in a letter from a beis din which clearly states the halacha

Concerning get me’usa (get which is invalid because of improper pressure on the husband)

It is a clear and unambiguous halacha that a get with is given because of force  - that is not authorized by the Torah – is invalid according the Torah. Therefore a woman who turns with various claims against her husband which are invalid according to the Torah such as monetary claims, maintainance, division of property etc., and in exchange for dropping the demands the husband agrees to giver her a get  - that get is categorized as one that is suspected of being invalid because of unauthorized force as is explained in Piskei Teshuva (E.H. 134:1) based on the Rashbatz. Similarly coercing a get by means of physical force against the husband or threats of imprisonment – also invalidate the get as is explicitly stated in the Rashba (2:240) and other Rishonim.

Therefore a woman who receives an invalid get by means of coercing or threatening the husband - in the manner listed above as well as other similar pressures –  is prohibited to remarry and she needs to receive another get.

Rav Chaim:a nebach apikorus is also an apikorus

Someone asked me today regarding the famous statement of Rav Chaim - did he actually act on it? In other words did he examine witnesses at a chasana as to whether they had correct beliefs. Did he refuse to count an ignoramous in a minyan because of mistaken beliefs. I am aware that it is a machlokess - but l'maaseh - what did Rav Chaim do?

Rav Elchonon Wasserman (Explanations of Agados #2): The view of the Rambam is that a person who believes G‑d is physical is a heretic. The Raavad commented: “There are greater and better people than the Rambam who erred in this issue because of mistakenly accepting the literal meaning of verses and agada.” I heard in the name of Rav Chaim Brisker that the Rambam views that there is no such thing as inadvertent heresy. Irrespective of how a person arrives at a mistaken belief, the fact is that he believes something which is heretical. Furthermore, it is impossible to be a member of the Jewish people without proper faith. Rav Chaim used to say that “a nebach apikorus (mistaken heretic) is also a heretic.”

Boy Scout Files Detail Decades of abuse coverups

NYTimes  In August 1981, the father of three Boy Scouts in western Colorado wrote in deep despair to scouting supervisors: a familiar local scout leader, referred to only as Joe, had sexually abused boys in his troop, including the writer’s own sons, and yet was still being allowed to have contact with boys.

Joe had been spotted at a big scout gathering called a Jamboree, the letter said, wearing a leather name tag like all other scoutmasters. “Your assurances that Joe was out of scouting and would have no further contact with scouting have just become meaningless,” he wrote. “Do you care about my distress over watching Joe insidiously get back?”

Regrets and recriminations about how the Boy Scouts of America have policed the ranks of its scoutmasters and other volunteers to guard against sexual predators — and how they have often failed — echo through the thousands of pages of internal documents, police files and newspaper clippings released here on Thursday after a lengthy court battle. The files were put together over a 20-year period in states across the nation on 1,247 men who were accused of abuse between 1965 and 1985, often with multiple victims. The release of the documents creates, for the first time, a public database on specific abuse accusations.   [See also NBC News ]

Get refuser who cheated with man jailed

ynet  They were married for more than five years, raised two children together, and lived a generally happy life until the woman found out that her husband was cheating on her – with a man.

She caught him in the act, immediately filed for a divorce with the Rabbinate, but the man refused to grant her a "get". On Tuesday, 10 years after the case was opened, the Rabbinical Court sent the man to prison – until he gives in.

The court ruled that the two must divorce, and ordered the man to grant his wife a "get". Despite his refusal, for years the judges failed to use their authority to impose sanctions on him in order to receive his consent for a divorce.

The husband, on his part, tried to extort different kinds of concessions from his wife before he agreed to a divorce, including benefits in child visitation arrangements and giving up on damages he had been ordered to pay.

But even after his requests were granted, the man refused to give his wife a divorce.

Child abuse: When do people actually intervene?

The following statements are true and self-evident as well as being supported by the Torah , research in psychology and correspond to observable facts.

While establishing the theory as to why these statement are true is important - there is greater benefit in simply knowing what to do to increase protection of the children

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Conditions people are more likely to intervene to help victim

1 If the facts are clear.

2 If the consequences for not acting are made extremely clear.

3 If there is a secular penalty (mandated reporting) for not reporting.

4 If the destruction caused to a person by being abused is made clear.

5 If the individual is made personally responsible to prevent harm from abuser.

6 If the Torah mandated obligations for dealing with abuse are unambiguously presented by rabbinic authorities.

7 If rabbis, principals or other leaders of an organizations stop insisting that they must be the gatekeepers - even though they are typically unqualified and incompetent in these matters.

8 If people use seichel rather than hide behind halachic reasoning that has no basis in Shulchan Aruch and poskim.

9 If people establish the facts prior to applying halachic barriers such as claiming there is no reality of abuse unless established by two frum adult males.

10 If the Torah mandated consequences for failure to deal with abuse are unambiguously presented.

11 If the operations of the secular authorities are clear, sensitive and effective in dealing with the problem.

12 If the negative consequences are a minimum to innocent family and community members. 13 If the community no longer tries to destroy those that report abuse. 14 If there is community approval and encouragement to deal with abuse. 15 If it is a member of the family - child or grandchild - who is being abused

Are sons more desirable than daughters?

Pele Yoetz (Daughter): I have seen a terrible custom in some places that when a daughter is born that the people make a lot of jokes and ridicule it. One person says, “The cold is great” and another ones say, “The smell is overwhelming”. This type of “humor” is openly expressed until the person who just had a daughter born cannot find a place to hide from those pursuing after him with ridicule and jokes. This custom is totally disgusting to me and they violate the verse in Mishlei (17:5), “One who ridicules the poor has blasphemed his Creator.” That is because it one of the hidden matters as to why G‑d gives sons to whom He wants and daughters to whom he wants. Consequently one who ridicules the birth of a daughter is speaking against G‑d and well as transgressing the serious prohibition against mocking others. But there is something even more stupid and nonsensical than ridiculing the birth of a daughter. There are some insensitive and ignorant people that when their wife gives birth to a son they express love to her and greatly honor her. In contrast if she gives birth to a girl, they avoid her and basically abandon her – not even to see her.  How great must be his wife’s sense of alienation and grief! These are truly foolish people. What does he want from his wife? Did she go to the market to choose to buy him a daughter and not a son?  Furthermore what business does he have criticizing the private decisions of G‑d? Perhaps daughters are better for him then sons because of their mazel and their lot. We have personally witnessed fathers who have rejoiced equally for their daughters and sons and yet their daughters’ portion in life was more blessed than that of sons. Woe is it to the man whose sons’ accomplishments are more appropriate for daughters and even worse than daughters in their ignorance because in fact there are a great number of ignoramuses and true scholars are few. Great are the pains of the father of sons when they don’t make a name for themselves in Torah learning and service of G‑d. In contrast the highest goals for daughters are more readily accomplished since it is primarily to teach them an occupation and proper character.

Bava Basra (16b):A daughter was born to Rav Shimon the son of Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and he was upset because of it. His father tried to comfort him by saying, Increase has come to the world. Bar Kappara said to him, Your father has tried comforting you with a worthless consolation. Because the braissa says, The world can not exist without both males or females and yet happy is he whose children are males and woe is he whose children are females. Similarly the world cannot exist without both spice sellers or tanners, and yet happy is he whose profession is that of a spice seller and woe is he whose professions is that of tanner. On this issue of the value of daughters there is a dispute amongst the Tannaim. It says in Bereishis (24:1), G‑d blessed Avraham with everything [ba-kol]. What is meant by the word “everything”? R’ Meir said it means he was blessed with not having a daughter. R’ Yehuda said it means he was blessed with a daughter. Others (Acherim) say it means that he had a daughter whose name was “everything” (ba-kol).

Bava Basra(141a):  For R. Hisda said: [If a] daughter [is born] first, it is a good sign for the children. Some say, because she rears her brothers; and others say. because the evil eye has no influence over them. R. Hisda said: To me, however, daughters are dearer than sons.

שב שמעתתא (הקדמה ע' כא): ואפשר בזה רמזו בש"ס בבא בתרא ד' קמא ע"א בת תחילה סימן יפה לבנים דרבה לאחהא עפ"י מ"ש באבות כל שיראתו קודמת לחכמתו כו', וכל שחכמתו קודמת ליראת חטאו כוו וזהו בת תחלה היינו היראה סימן יפה לבנים היית תורה דרבי' ילבנהא, דע" י היראה התורה מתקיימת

Pardes Yosef (Bereishis 24:1): The Torah Temima (Bereishis 24:1.6) writes that in Menachos (43b) it states that Rav Meir decreed saying the beracha “Who has not made me a woman” and this is consistent with his view that a daughter is not a blessing. Rabbi Yehuda added that even though a son is a greater blessing than a daughter – that is only for someone who has a son. However someone who has a son also desires to have a daughter. Also the mitzva of having children is fulfilled only by having both a son and daughter. Others (Acherim) added that complete happeniness is only when the children go in the upright path. We know concerning Yitzchok that is says in Bereishis (25:19) that Yitzchok was the son of Avraham and that Avraham had a child Yitzchok. This verse tells you that all the fine qualities that existed in Avraham also existed in Yitzchok. However when it talks about the qualities of the daught the Torah doesn’t mention them. It simply says according to Acherim that the daughters name was ba-chol in the say one would say that a particular person has all the fine qualities. And thus he understands that Avaraham happiness was complete since he had a daughter with all the fine qualities.

Berachos(5b): ‘And that my bed should be placed north and south’. For R. Hama b. R. Hanina said in the name of R. Isaac: Whosoever places his bed north and south will have male children, as it says: And whose belly Thou fillest with Thy treasure, who have sons in plenty. R. Nahman b. Isaac says: His wife also will not miscarry. Here it is written: And whose belly Thou fillest with Thy treasure, and elsewhere it is written: And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold there were twins in her womb. 

Sanhedrin(100b): R. Joseph said: it is also forbidden to read the book of Ben Sira. Abaye said to him: Why so? Shall we say because there is written therein, ...  A daughter is a vain treasure to her father: through anxiety on her account, he cannot sleep at night. As a minor, lest she be seduced; in her majority, lest she play the harlot; as an adult, lest she be not married; if she marries, lest she bear no children; if she grows old, lest she engage in witchcraft!’ But the Rabbis have said the same: The world cannot exist without males and females; happy is he whose children are males, and woe to him whose children are females.

Berachos(60a): Within the first three days a man should pray that the seed should not putrefy; from the third to the fortieth day he should pray that the child should be a male; from the fortieth day to three months he should pray that it should not be a sandal; from three months to six months he should pray that it should not be still-born; from six months to nine months he should pray for a safe delivery.

Nida (31b): R. Isaac citing R. Ammi further stated: As soon as a male comes into the world peace comes into the world, for it is said, Send ye a gift for the ruler of the land [and the Hebrew for] male [is composed of the consonants of the ‘words for] ‘this is a gift’R. Isaac citing16 R. Ammi further stated: When a male comes into the world his provision comes with him, [the Hebrew for] male [zakar, being composed of the consonants of the words for] ‘this is provision [zeh kar]’,for it is written, And he prepared a great provision [kera] for them. A female has nothing with her, [the Hebrew for] female [nekebah] implying ‘she comes with nothing’ [nekiyyah ba'ah]. Unless she demands her food nothing is given to her, for it is written, Demand [nakebah] from me thy wages and I will give it  

Rav Lichtenstein & Culture shock: Calvin & Hobbes

this item appeared in the Jewish Week

Shalom bayis through being unconscious: Adam & Eve

Toldos Yitzchok (Bereishis 2:21): And G‑d caused man to become unconscious [when He made Eve] – This unconscious state [associated with the creation of woman] - hints that man should make himself unconscious when he is in his house and not to be critical and fussy with his wife and household

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תולדות יצחק (בראשית ב:כא): ויפל יי' אלהים תרדמה, רמז שהאדם יעשה עצמו נרדם בביתו, ולא יהיה קפדן עם אשתו ובני ביתו.