I, Pedophile - David Goldberg describes his life as a pedophile

The Atlantic

For almost 20 years, I spent virtually every night of my life in the same manner: Sitting in front of my computer and either trawling the Internet for child pornography or looking at the pictures and videos that were already a part of my collection. No matter how many images I found and regardless of how sleep deprived I felt, nothing would stop me from continuing this perverse pursuit. It was my own carelessness that finally got me arrested, when I used my credit card to order some films that had images of naked boys, although none of these movies were of a sexual nature. One police officer later told me he thought I had gotten caught on purpose, because, subliminally, it was the only way I would stop. He was right about the latter, but not the former. No one who is a pedophile wants to get caught and have their horrifying secret revealed to the world.

In fact, there were some nights—but not too many—when I would dare to sit in my chair after my computer was turned off and imagine how it would feel to get arrested. Would I fall to the ground in the fetal position, would I throw up, burst into tears or perhaps even have a heart attack? When that day finally came for me, I did none of those. After the lead detective read me my rights and asked several questions regarding my computer, a strange calm washed over me. I knew my job as a local newspaper editor and my hobby coaching baseball had both come to an end. Yet the overriding thoughts in my head were not of my past, but more of my future. I knew that I was in a unique position to help others understand the bewildering life of a pedophile. I had never asked to be cursed with this sexual attraction, and I had never hurt a child. In fact, I was always a good role model as a coach, and an upstanding citizen throughout my days. It was the nights that were a problem.

Over the months that followed my arrest, my journalistic instincts took over. I wanted to know how a lifetime of lusting after young children could seem so normal to me on an emotional level, even though I knew rationally that it was a completely deviant lifestyle. I would spend my days longing to get back onto my computer, the way a gourmand anticipates a scrumptious feast. Yet when the computer was turned off, I despised myself for being so aroused while looking at pictures of young children whose lives had been destroyed thanks to their unwilling participation.[...]

The most important thing I've discovered in the 15 months since my arrest isn't the why, but rather what can be done to change the preconceptions and misconceptions that society has when it comes to pedophiles. Most people hear that word and think of the Jerry Sanduskys and abusive Catholic priests of the world. Fewer people think about the millions who grapple with sexual feelings on which they can never act. When someone hears the word “pedophile”, they immediately think of a child molester. Yet the majority of pedophiles do not molest, but instead spend hours looking at child pornography. And as those numbers grow, so does the number of child victims.

I am not advocating the cross-generational lifestyle. In fact, there is never an instance when an adult should engage in sexual behavior with a child. But until we as a society learn that help for those who view child pornography is a far better alternative to incarceration, we are doomed to see the continued proliferation of this problem. Scientists don’t know for certain if there is a correlation between viewing child pornography and offending against children. Wouldn't it be nice to get pedophiles help before we find out for certain? [...]

How many millions of pedophiles throughout the world aren't as lucky as I? How many will never seek help, too scared of the legal and social consequences? How many will continue to create the demand that fuels a malicious child pornography market? Is locking them away for a while the answer? Will the day ever come when we, as a society, reach out and offer them the help they so desperately need?

What Can Be Done About Pedophilia?

The Atlantic    To accompany todays’s first-person essay from David Goldberg, "I, Pedophile," I asked James Cantor, Ph.D., an international expert on pedophilia, to answer some common questions. Dr. Cantor is Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto and the editor-in-chief of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment. (We have known each other for about 7 years through our common academic interests.)

How is pedophilia usually defined?

Pedophilia is the sexual preference for or a strong sexual interest in children. The term usually refers only to sexual preference for/interest in prepubescent or early pubescent children.

Sometimes people like David Goldberg, the author of the essay, are seen or referred to as "gold star pedophiles" or "good pedophiles." Can you explain what those seemingly incongruous terms mean?

It is extremely important not to confuse pedophilia—meaning the sexual interest in children—with actual child molestation. Not every person who experiences sexual attractions to children acts on those attractions. People who are pedophilic but who work to remain celibate their entire lives are being increasingly recognized as needing and deserving all the support society can give them.

What do you think David means when he refers to people being "too scared of the legal and social consequences" to seek help?

Many jurisdictions have passed mandatory reporting regulations for psychologists and other health care providers. Consequently, when someone who thinks he might be a pedophile comes in for counseling or therapy, the psychologist may be compelled by law to report the person to the authorities. That, of course, can lead to loss of the person’s job, family, and everything else. So, these people have simply stopped coming in at all, and instead of getting help to them, we now have pedophiles circulating in society receiving no support at all. [...]

Is it reasonable to be afraid that, if we recognize pedophilia as a sexual orientation, we will have to consider it socially acceptable?

It is reasonable for questions of social acceptability to be directed at behaviors. People are responsible for their behaviors, not their thoughts or sexual attractions. For example, we very readily acknowledge that a typical heterosexual man will, while just walking down the street, find some women sexually attractive. We would not, however, conclude it is socially acceptable for him to coerce any of those women into sex. Thinking of pedophilia as an innate characteristic that a person did not choose and cannot change can go a very long way in helping society come to a rational response to the problem—one that can help prevent molestation of children.

Can someone be cured of pedophilic desires? For example, could a pedophile through treatment go on to have either no sexual desire or a fundamentally different kind of sexual orientation?

The best treatments we have available for pedophiles help them develop the skills they need to live a healthy, offense-free life and, in some cases, to block their sex drives (if they feel it would help them). We have not yet found a way to convert pedophiles into non-pedophiles that are any more effective than the many failed attempts to convert gay men and lesbians into heterosexuals. [...]

My greatest hope is less about treatment, however, and more about prevention. Despite the fact that many people imagine sex offenders to be insatiable predators or ticking time bombs, only 10−15 percent of sex offenders commit new offenses. I believe we can prevent a much greater number of victims if we put greater energies into early detection and provide support before the first offense occurs, rather than relying only on stronger and stronger punishments after the fact.

The Pedophile Test - Is the Abel test a valid indicator of sexual interest in children?

The Atlantic

Dr. Gene G. Abel, one of America’s foremost researchers on child molestation, has cultivated an aura of eccentric brilliance. His hair, a tangle of white curls, forks into ample sideburns. He favors loud ties, suspenders, and frumpy little one-liners. “You know,” he said recently, sitting in his Atlanta office, “I’m much more handsome than I appear.”

At 76, Abel has devoted the majority of his psychiatric career to the minds of those whom many consider the least redeemable. He has interviewed thousands of child molesters and run federally funded research projects on how to identify them. He has taught at Columbia and Emory Universities, authored two books and more than 100 articles in scientific journals on child molestation, and testified before the United States Sentencing Commission on the subject of child pornography. But he is best known for the Abel Assessment for Sexual Interest, a test he has refined over the last two decades. When people are accused of sexually abusing children, this computerized test can help to decide their fates—in decisions about probation and parole, in custody battles, and even in criminal trials.

Mental-health professionals often spend hours interviewing convicted and alleged child molesters and other sex offenders, but they also rely on measurement tools to gather psychological information that a patient might not want to share: Does he have an innate attraction to children? Is it an exclusive attraction or is he also attracted to adults? Does he have other problematic sexual interests that must also be addressed in therapy?

To answer these questions, clinicians have used a variety of tools, including the polygraph, as well as the penile plethysmograph, a device attached directly to the penis that measures arousal. Both of those tests are invasive and hard to administer; taking the Abel Assessment simply involves answering a questionnaire and viewing a series of pictures on a computer screen. With the information it provides in the form of percentages and graphs, clinicians can make more informed decisions about the best course of treatment. Over the last 20 years, Abel estimates his assessment has been administered more than 170,000 times.[...]

From Abel’s writings in scientific journals, Rich learned that the test is based on a theory called “visual reaction time.” There are other psychological tests that measure how fast a subject responds to stimuli, including studies of “implicit associations” related to gender and race, but Abel developed his own system independently. He has never published exactly what his assessment measures—and he claims the methodology is more “complex” than the descriptions his company has provided publicly—but at its most basic level, it records how long the subject looks at each image. The test, Abel has written, “assumes that the longer a subject focuses on a slide…the greater the sexual interest in the slide's content.” The implication is that if you linger on images of children, you are more likely to register as having a “sexual interest” in them. [...]

Some psychologists argue that since the test has not been rigorously validated, it should not be used at all. Others, including Abel himself, say the test should be used as part of larger, more comprehensive evaluations of people convicted of sex offenses (and in some cases merely accused of them). The stakes are high; a poorly designed test, coupled with overzealous clinicians and trusting judges, would be a recipe for railroading innocent people into being judged as high-risk pedophiles (this certainly worries Rich). At the same time, if the test can be easily beaten by actual pedophiles, who study how to control the length of time they linger on each image, then it could put children at risk.

Another issue is that not everyone who has a sexual attraction to children acts on it. There are online support groups for people who pride themselves on restraining their sexual attraction to children. (One is called Virtuous Pedophiles, and has a manifesto which reads, “We do not choose to be attracted to children, and we cannot make that attraction go away.”) Some researchers believe these groups can actually help prevent sex crimes; the University of Toronto psychiatrist James Cantor has called such groups a “potential pressure valve.” Abel himself has found that it is quite normal for adult heterosexual men to be attracted to adolescents. In light of these discoveries, the idea of making decisions about people based on their thoughts, rather than actions proven in an adversarial court system, gives many psychologists and lawyers pause.[...]

Part of the reason the assessment cannot be relied on too heavily, Abel said, is that there is no way to avoid false negatives and false positives (a common issue with most psychological tests, given the complexity of the human brain). Nine percent of men who have not sexually abused a child show up—falsely—as having done so, according to Abel. [...]

Abel is now in the midst of expanding his business with another proprietary testing tool, The Diana Screen, which is marketed to non-clinicians with the purpose of preventing molestation. It has been tested in pilot projects with The Episcopal Church Pension Fund and The Boys and Girls Clubs of America. It is supposed to be able to help organizations determine whether a job applicant might pose a “sexual risk to children.” Abel’s company markets it to churches, summer camps, schools, and foster care agencies, and it is already used by juvenile detention and residential treatment centers.

When applicants take The Diana Screen, there are no pictures—only a lengthy questionnaire—so it is easier to administer than the Abel Assessment. The responses are measured against a data pool, as well as information from professional literature and the FBI. Abel’s company tells clients that they should not deny someone a job solely based on their failure on the screen, and that the result “should be used as one part of the organization's overall decision-making process.”

The warning is not enough for some psychologists, who worry that people will be denied jobs based solely on the results of the screen, even when they may in fact pose no threat. Others worry the test will, as psychologist Anna Salter put it, give organizations a “false sense of security.”

Abel takes the flak in stride, he told me, because his goal is to stop a tragedy he feels society at large does not address with enough frankness. He views his life’s work as an effort to show Americans that they need to be more proactive about preventing child sexual abuse, noting just how wrong the prevalent stereotypes about strangers have tended to be. “Child molesters are your neighbors and people you know,” he said as we sat in his office that afternoon. “They’re hiding in plain sight.” Whatever the flaws of the Abel Assessment, he argued, the result of not having such tools—and failing to prevent the sexual abuse of children—would be far worse. “This is not a perfect test,” he told me. “There are no perfect tests.”

Oregon allowing 15-year-olds to get state-subsidized sex-change operations - without parental consent

Fox News

The list of things 15-year-olds are not legally allowed to do in Oregon is long: Drive, smoke, donate blood, get a tattoo -- even go to a tanning bed. 

But, under a first-in-the-nation policy quietly enacted in January that many parents are only now finding out about, 15-year-olds are now allowed to get a sex-change operation. Many residents are stunned to learn they can do it without parental notification -- and the state will even pay for it through its Medicaid program, the Oregon Health Plan.[...]

Gender dysphoria is classified by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder in which a person identifies as the sex opposite of his or her birth. It is rare, affecting one out of every 20,000 males and one out of every 50,000 females. 

According to a 2008 study published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, "most children with gender dysphoria will not remain gender dysphoric after puberty." 

Dr. Paul McHugh, who led the Johns Hopkins Psychiatry Department and still practices, said Oregon's policy amounts to child abuse. "We have a very radical and even mutilating treatment being offered to children without any evidence that the long-term outcome of this would be good," McHugh said. 

Dr. Jack Drescher, a member of the APA who worked on the Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders Work Group, says treatment for gender dysphoria has received a lot more attention in recent years. He said this year New York changed its policy to cover cross-sex hormone drugs and sex-reassignment surgery for Medicaid recipients who are at least 18 years old. He thinks Oregon is offering the treatment too early. [...]

But Dr. McHugh says a sex-change operation, especially for young people with gender dysphoria, is never appropriate.

"We can help them if we begin to explore with them and their families what they're fearing about development, what they're fearing about being a young boy, a young adolescent appropriate to themselves."

Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

Discusses the meaning of infidelity - even for happily married couples - and the motivation in modern times for an affair when marriage is defined as based on love and trust - and the psychological devastation it causes. Her points clearly apply also to divorce - especially the idea of not being in pain in a marriage but rather "I can do better" I can recapture the excitement that has been lost" - with someone else. [see http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/26/fashion/Sex-Esther-Perel-Couples-Therapy.html?_r=0]

Basically explains Sanhedrin (57a): Rab Judah said in Rab's name: A man once conceived a passion for a certain woman,3 and his heart was consumed by his burning desire [his life being endangered thereby]. When the doctors were consulted, they said, ‘His only cure is that she shall submit.’ Thereupon the Sages said: ‘Let him die rather than that she should yield.’ Then [said the doctors]; ‘let her stand nude before him;’ [they answered] ‘sooner let him die’. ‘Then’, said the doctors, ‘let her converse with him from behind a fence’. ‘Let him die,’ the Sages replied ‘rather than she should converse with him from behind a fence.’ Now R. Jacob b. Idi and R. Samuel b. Nahmani dispute therein. One said that she was a married woman; the other that she was unmarried. Now, this is intelligible on the view, that she was a married woman, but on the latter, that she was unmarried, why such severity? — R. Papa said: Because of the disgrace to her family. R. Aha the son of R. Ika said: That the daughters of Israel may not be immorally dissolute. Then why not marry her? — Marriage would not assuage his passion, even as R. Isaac said: Since the destruction of the Temple, sexual pleasure has been taken [from those who practise it lawfully] and given to sinners, as it is written. Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.

Allan Katz - How Children raise their Parents

Guest post by Allan Katz

In Gen 18:19 God explains why Abraham was entitled to a role in the Divine conduct of the world. It was because of what he would teach his children, and who they would become - compassionate, shy and generous. The Mishna in Pirkei Avot says, having a good eye, being of humble spirit and having an undemanding soul (focused on the spiritual) makes one a disciple of Abraham and having the opposite traits makes one a disciple of the evil Bilaam. From this we see that educating children should impact on the character and traits of the child and their actions should be an expression of their deeper selves and values.

There is discussion as to the legal potency and the weight of mitzvoth – commandments performed by children who have not reached the age of 12 for girls and 13 for boys. It is for sure a logical and moral responsibility for parents to educate their children. The question is whether we consider the mitzvah of chinuch, becoming educated an obligation of the son and the father is there to support the child and facilitate the performance of the commandments or is it the obligation of the father to make sure that the child does the mitzvoth. Where the obligation is on the son, the mitzvah has legal weight and potency to the extent that the son can act on behalf of someone else and enable them to fulfill the mitzvah. Where the obligation is on the father, the son's actions don't have the same weight and potency.

The philosophical difference can be learned from the following story. John Souza was giving his daughter and nephews a tour of Hawaii. They stood in a parking lot when John noticed that most probably one of his nephews had opened his door a bit too enthusiastically and had made a deep dent into the door of an expensive and newish car. For a moment he thought he could get the kids into the car, drive away and no one would be the wiser. Then a similar scene which would take place 10 years later flashed through his mind. The scenario was of his nephews and daughter, having damaged a vehicle in a car park driving away to avoid the consequences of their actions, laughing and saying – we totally got away with that. It was in that moment he realized that in order to increase the likelihood of these impressionable youth taking responsibility for their actions in the future he had to take some responsibility for his nephew’s actions and could guide him through the process of reparation and being accountable. He decided not to tell the family of what happened because in his family, so often when a child makes a mistake it seems that each adult must take a turn giving the child feedback (some not always constructive). This can be overwhelming and confusing to a child. So in a very discreet way he spoke to his nephew careful be non-judgmental, but supportive. He explained he was there to help him take responsibility for his actions and engage in the moral act of reparation. His nephew said he would write a note, leaving a telephone number, apologizing for the damage and saying the damage would be repaired. When the car owner called, John explained his intention to help the kid take responsibility for his actions. The owner was not so happy about his car. Later he called to say that a friend who had heard of the story was so impressed of how he was helping his nephew take responsibility that he got the story published in the newspaper. Then John shared the newspaper story with the family, who responded with love and admiration that the boy had acted with so much integrity.

From experiences like this and many years of parenting and being a family therapist John Souza concludes that while we certainly raise our kids , kids are equally responsible for raising us and teaching us. If we see our parenting as being obligated to get the kids to comply with our demands and do the mitzvoth, we are less likely to be aware of ourselves and to focus on our contribution to the educational mix. But if we see the 'mitzvah of chinuch ' as an obligation to do the commandments = mitzvoth that rests also on the child we are more likely to be aware of ourselves and how we contribute to the parent-child dynamic and educational mix. We understand that education is not motivating a child to be compliant and to do the mitzvoth, but creating an environment where the child is inspired and is able to motivate himself. Instead of ' doing to a child' , leading with power - making him' wanna do what he is told by using assertive language ,rewards, praise and consequences , we can ' work with ' the child, leading with greatness of character , helping him reflect and make meaning of his obligations. In this way the parent and child can focus on the character traits and values underlying the mitzvoth and thus support the autonomy of the child so he feels self-directed in the way he conducts his religious life. The mitzvoth were given to refine ourselves .So the mitzvah of chinuch , educating a child , setting an example etc are not only necessary for the child's education but crucial for our own personal growth. If we set an example just for the kids, when they leave the home or are not around we will revert old behaviors and lower standards. If we become aware of ourselves in raising our kids, our kids will play a part in ' raising' us too.

Joshua in our Parasha was given the power of a king –give him some of your honor= hod and the ability to influence as a teacher –place your hand on him , giving him the responsibility to give over the religious tradition. We don't pray for power of a ' policeman ' but we pray that our judges and counselors will be restored as first. By being the ' guide by the side' we can not only raise our kids, but together with them we can raise ourselves.

The Myth of Big, Bad Gluten

update - added material about Grain Brain and  Wheat Belly at end

NY Times  As many as one in three Americans tries to avoid gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. Gluten-free menus, gluten-free labels and gluten-free guests at summer dinners have proliferated.

Some of the anti-glutenists argue that we haven’t eaten wheat for long enough to adapt to it as a species. Agriculture began just 12,000 years ago, not enough time for our bodies, which evolved over millions of years, primarily in Africa, to adjust. According to this theory, we’re intrinsically hunter-gatherers, not bread-eaters. If exposed to gluten, some of us will develop celiac disease or gluten intolerance, or we’ll simply feel lousy.

Most of these assertions, however, are contradicted by significant evidence, and distract us from our actual problem: an immune system that has become overly sensitive. [...]

Milk-producing animals were first domesticated about the same time as wheat in the Middle East. As the custom of dairying spread, so did lactase persistence. What surprises scientists today, though, is just how recently, and how completely, that trait has spread in some populations. Few Scandinavian hunter-gatherers living 5,400 years ago had lactase persistence genes, for example. Today, most Scandinavians do.

Here’s the lesson: Adaptation to a new food stuff can occur quickly — in a few millenniums in this case. So if it happened with milk, why not with wheat? [...]

Dr. Barreiro, who’s at the University of Montreal, has observed this pattern in many genes associated with autoimmune disorders. They’ve become more common in recent millenniums, not less. As population density increased with farming, and as settled living and animal domestication intensified exposure to pathogens, these genes, which amp up aspects of the immune response, helped people survive, he thinks.

In essence, humanity’s growing filth selected for genes that increase the risk of autoimmune disease, because those genes helped defend against deadly pathogens. Our own pestilence has shaped our genome.[...]

So the real mystery of celiac disease is what breaks that tolerance, and whatever that agent is, why has it become more common in recent decades?

An important clue comes from the fact that other disorders of immune dysfunction have also increased. We’re more sensitive to pollens (hay fever), our own microbes (inflammatory bowel disease) and our own tissues (multiple sclerosis).

Perhaps the sugary, greasy Western diet — increasingly recognized as pro-inflammatory — is partly responsible. Maybe shifts in our intestinal microbial communities, driven by antibiotics and hygiene, have contributed. Whatever the eventual answer, just-so stories about what we evolved eating, and what that means, blind us to this bigger, and really much more worrisome, problem: The modern immune system appears to have gone on the fritz.

Maybe we should stop asking what’s wrong with wheat, and begin asking what’s wrong with us.

Dr David Katz in The Atlantic

Dr. David Katz is the founding director of Yale University's Prevention Research Center. He is an epidemiologist who has published two editions of a nutrition textbook for healthcare professionals called Nutrition in Clinical Practice. The third edition, nearing publication, will have nearly 10,000 citations. He is also the author of the nutrition book Disease Proof: The remarkable truth about what makes us well. Like Perlmutter, he also cites this era as a gold-standard. Apart from that—and a first name and medical degree—the two have little else in common.

“I find the whole thing a little bit sad, to be honest with you,” Katz told me. “In several ways. Beginning with the fact that I actually like Dr. Perlmutter. He does some really interesting and innovative work in the area of neurodegenerative diseases. He’s cutting edge and is doing stuff that’s a little bit out there. But he generally does this carefully and has actually provided some useful guidance we’ve applied in my own clinic; and I have a longstanding relationship with him—or at least his clinic—and we’ve corresponded and I generally think very highly of him. So I find it sad to be in a position to say that I think so much of his book is a whole bunch of nonsense.”

Katz paused.

“Now, he’s absolutely right that we eat too much sugar and white bread. The rest of the story, though, is one just completely made up to support a hypothesis. And that’s not a good way to do science.”

This launches the discussion of what science is—the critical point that confronts every mainstream media health and science writer. Most recently and famously we have heard about it in criticism of the works of Malcolm Gladwell and Jonah Lehrer (outside of the latter’s self-plagiarism debacle). The law of good science is that you can’t say “I’ve got an idea and I’m going to fall in love with it and selectively cite evidence to support it.”

“I also find it sad that because his book is filled with a whole bunch of nonsense, that’s why it’s a bestseller; that’s why we’re talking."

 

“You’re only being a good scientist,” Katz said, “if you say, ‘I’m going to try to read the literature in as unbiased a manner as I possibly can, see where it leads me, and then offer the advice that I have based on that view from an altitude.’ I don’t see that going on here, and again, I think it’s kind of sad because I think the public is being misled.”

“I also find it sad that because his book is filled with a whole bunch of nonsense, that’s why it’s a bestseller; that’s why we’re talking. Because that’s how you get on the bestseller list. You promise the moon and stars, you say everything you heard before was wrong, and you blame everything on one thing. You get a scapegoat; it’s classic. Atkins made a fortune with that formula. We’ve got Rob Lustig saying it’s all fructose; we’ve got T. Colin Campbell [author of The China Study, a formerly bestselling book] saying it’s all animal food; we now have Perlmutter saying it’s all grain. There’s either a scapegoat or a silver bullet in almost every bestselling diet book.”

The recurring formula is apparent: Tell readers it’s not their fault. Blame an agency; typically the pharmaceutical industry or U.S. government, but also possibly the medical establishment. Alluding to the conspiracy vaguely will suffice. Offer a simple solution. Cite science and mainstream research when applicable; demonize it when it is not.

“It makes me sad that somebody like you is going to reach out to me, so you can get what I’d like to think are sensible comments about a silly book. If you write a sensible book, which I did—it’s called Disease Proof , and it’s about what it really takes to be healthy, brain and body—nobody wants to talk about that. It has much less sex appeal. The whole thing is sad.”

Negative reviews of Grain Brain and Wheat Belly -
http://www.forksoverknives.com/the-smoke-and-mirrors-behind-wheat-belly-and-grain-brain/ 

http://www.foodnavigator-usa.com/Regulation/Misleading-and-sensationalist-Grain-Brain-book-distorts-science-and-confuses-public-with-advice-to-avoid-grains-say-critics 

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/this-is-your-brain-on-gluten/282550/

http://www.salon.com/2015/05/03/diet_fads_are_destroying_us_paleo_gluten_free_and_the_lies_we_tell_ourselves_partner/

Disney to Remove a Statue of Bill Cosby From Its Hollywood Theme Park

Time Magazine

Businesses are distancing themselves from Cosby after court documents revealed he bought drugs to give to women before sex

Disney will remove a statue of Bill Cosby from its Hollywood Studios theme park, a spokeswoman for the company said Tuesday, following revelations through court documents that support multiple allegations that the veteran comedian drugged multiple women before sexually assaulting them.[..]

Several companies and businesses are now trying to distance themselves from Cosby, following the release of documents showing that he admitted, during a sworn testimony in 2005, to buying Quaalude, a powerful sedative, with the intention of giving it to women before having sex with them. [...]

A Day in the Life of Lipa Schmeltzer, Ex-Ultra-Orthodox Celebrity

Tablet Magazine

“You can never stop wearing masks,” said Lipa Schmeltzer, eyes on everything but the road, “you can only choose what mask you want to wear.” A few hours into a recent day, Schmeltzer had taken off his entertainer mask—through which he constantly posed and smiled and shouted, to make others laugh—and transformed into a proud Columbia University student. (“I never even heard of the Ivy Leagues!” he said.) His love of “secular knowledge” burst forth like a broken dam. Here was Schmeltzer, quoting an important essay about the nature of identity. “That’s from an essay I’m reading, by Wendy Doniger,” he said, referring to her essay “Many Masks, Many Selves.” “I love the way she writes.”

The idea was to capture a typical day in the life of the most recognizable Orthodox Jewish singer in the world, a man whose “Mizrach” music video garnered more than 1.4 million views on YouTube, a Jewish figure who appeals to all types of Jews, regardless of gender, affiliation, belief, or politics. Raised ultra-Orthodox in the Skverer sect, Schmeltzer quietly left his community in 2010, when he moved from New Square to Airmont, New York. He remained Orthodox and observant but no longer follows the strict rules of the sect he grew up in, especially in regard to secular studies and interactions with women and non-Jews, among other lifestyle choices. Now at the end of his second semester at Columbia University—secular higher education remains a rare occurrence for Skverer Hasidim—he was embarking on a new stage of his already storied life, exploring the boundaries and capabilities of a fluid religious identity. [...]

Screen Addiction Is Taking a Toll on Children

NY Times   Jane Brody

Excessive use of computer games among young people in China appears to be taking an alarming turn and may have particular relevance for American parents whose children spend many hours a day focused on electronic screens. The documentary “Web Junkie,” to be shown next Monday on PBS, highlights the tragic effects on teenagers who become hooked on video games, playing for dozens of hours at a time often without breaks to eat, sleep or even use the bathroom. Many come to view the real world as fake.

Chinese doctors consider this phenomenon a clinical disorder and have established rehabilitation centers where afflicted youngsters are confined for months of sometimes draconian therapy, completely isolated from all media, the effectiveness of which remains to be demonstrated.

n its 2013 policy statement on “Children, Adolescents, and the Media,” the American Academy of Pediatrics cited these shocking statistics from a Kaiser Family Foundation study in 2010: “The average 8- to 10-year-old spends nearly eight hours a day with a variety of different media, and older children and teenagers spend more than 11 hours per day.” Television, long a popular “babysitter,” remains the dominant medium, but computers, tablets and cellphones are gradually taking over.

“Many parents seem to have few rules about use of media by their children and adolescents,” the academy stated, and two-thirds of those questioned in the Kaiser study said their parents had no rules about how much time the youngsters spent with media.

Parents, grateful for ways to calm disruptive children and keep them from interrupting their own screen activities, seem to be unaware of the potential harm from so much time spent in the virtual world.

“We’re throwing screens at children all day long, giving them distractions rather than teaching them how to self-soothe, to calm themselves down,” said Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard-affiliated clinical psychologist and author of the best-selling book “The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age.” [...]

Texting looms as the next national epidemic, with half of teenagers sending 50 or more text messages a day and those aged 13 through 17 averaging 3,364 texts a month, Amanda Lenhart of the Pew Research Center found in a 2012 study. An earlier Pew study found that teenagers send an average of 34 texts a night after they get into bed, adding to the sleep deprivation so common and harmful to them. And as Ms. Hatch pointed out, “as children have more of their communication through electronic media, and less of it face to face, they begin to feel more lonely and depressed.”[...]

הרב שמואל אליהו מציג 17 שאלות ותשובות מעמיקות בעקבות פרשת הרב מהצפון. "על פי ההלכה הוא נקרא עכשיו רשע".

Arutz 7

1. כיצד אפשר לדעת מה אירע בוודאות?

כדי לברר את האמת, ביקש אותו רב ממני ומהרה"ג חיים בזק שנבדוק את הטענות ונברר את העובדות. אח"כ הוא יעשה כל מה שנאמר לו. בדקנו והטענות היו נכונות. אמרנו לו והוא הודה בפנינו, בפני הרב אברהם אנגל והרב גד כהן ו"הודאת בעל דין - כמאה עדים דמי".

2. לא נכון היה יותר לסגור את העניינים בין הרבנים?

בתחילה חשבנו שמעשיו הם רק קלקול מוסרי ואין בהם היבטים פלילים, הצענו לו להתרחק מכל מגע עם הציבור ועוד כמה דרישות. הוא קיבל על עצמו את כל התנאים אבל לא עמד בהם. הוא המשיך לשוחח עם תלמידים והצדיק את מעשיו המקולקלים. הרחקנו אותו מהעיר, ההרחקה נתנה אומץ לאשה הראשונה להתלונן אחרי 13 שנה שהיא שמרה את הכאב בליבה. אחריה באו כל האחרות. כשהן התלוננו התברר שיש במעשיו חשש לפלילים.

3. האם אין בפרסום הזה חילול ה'?

בוודאי שיש בזה חילול ה'. אבל לכסות על הסיפור זה חילול ה' יותר גדול. רק השבוע קראנו בפרשת בלק שה' אומר למשה: "קַח אֶת כָּל רָאשֵׁי הָעָם וְהוֹקַע אוֹתָם לה' נֶגֶד הַשָּׁמֶשׁ וְיָשֹׁב חֲרוֹן אַף ה' מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל". בוודאי היה חילול ה' גדול כשהתגלה כי נשיא בית אב לשמעוני חוטא בעריות. בכל זאת הניקוי של ישראל מהתועבה הזאת הוא חשוב יותר. וחשוב שיעשה נגד השמש. זה נותן לאנשים אמונה בכח הצדק.

4. האם העובדה שהוא רב לא גורמת להסתיר את מעשיו?

הגמרא (מועד קטן יז.) מספרת על תלמיד חכם גדול שנפל בעריות. רב יהודה שקל אם ינדו אותו – הציבור יפסיד את חכמתו הגדולה. ואם יכסו עליו – זה חילול ה'. בסופו של דבר החליט רב יהודה לנדות אותו. לפי חז"ל הכיסוי על הקלקול הוא חילול ה'. כאשר לא מוקיעים מעשי זימה של רב גדול זה חילול ה'. מציאות החטא הצועקת לשמים היא חילול ה'. אין לך חילול ה' גדול יותר מחורבן בית המקדש, ואף על פי כן ה' החריבו כדי לתקן את הריקבון שפשט בעם ישראל. שלא יתפשט יותר.

5. הרב, אנו עוברים משבר אמון. כיצד תלמיד חכם מלא בתורה ובהנהגות של יראת שמים יהיה מקולקל? האם התורה לא משפיעה לטובה?

אם תורה לא משולבת עם מידות טובות היא עלולה להיות "סם מוות". חכמינו אמרו על התורה: זכה - נעשית לו סם חיים. לא זכה - נעשית לו סם מוות. לצערנו ראינו לאורך הדורות תלמידי חכמים שהשתמשו בתורה באופן שלילי, ישו, שבתאי צבי ואחרים. איננו אומרים חלילה שהאיש הזה הוא אחד מהם, אבל לצערנו היו אנשים בעלי כוחות רוחניים שנפלו בגלל מידות רעות של גאוה או תאוה או קנאה וכד'.

6. האם הוא נקרא רשע או רב?

על פי ההלכה הוא נקרא עכשיו "רשע". (שו"ע חו"מ לד ב) אם הוא יחזור בתשובה לא רק בדיבורים אלא במעשים, ידונו בזה בעתיד ויחליטו על מעמדו.

7. האם הוא היה תמיד רשע או שרק אחר כך הוא התקלקל?

הגמרא דנה על רבי יוחנן כהן גדול שנעשה באחרית ימיו צדוקי. ושואלת האם הוא היה רשע מעיקרו או שהיה צדיק מעיקרו ואחר כך התקלקל. יש בזה מחלוקת. מסתבר שיכול להיות תלמיד חכם וצדיק גדול שנכנס ויצא לקודש הקודשים שנים רבות, ואחר כך מתקלקל. הגמרא מספרת על נביאי אמת שהתקלקלו כמו חנניה בן עזור. יש חכמים שאומרים כי גם אצל יוחנן כהן גדול היה הרע כנוס בתוכו ולא יצא אל הפועל כל ימי היותו כהן גדול.

[...]

Tisha B'av - avoiding "baseless hatred" by accepting all denominations?!

Orthodox man found guilty of kidnapping and raping his ex-wife - jailed for 14 years

 update: Jewish Chronicle

A strictly Orthodox man found guilty of the kidnap, rape and false imprisonment of his ex-wife has been jailed for 14 years.

The man, in his sixties, showed no emotion as Judge Nigel Peters passed sentence at Snaresbrook Crown Court on Monday.

In addition to two 14-year sentences for two counts of rape, he was sentenced to seven years for kidnap and false imprisonment. The sentences will run concurrently [....]

Defending barrister Jonathan Goldberg told the judge his client may have acted in the heat of the moment following a discussion with his ex-wife about the paternity of two of their children.

“A husband discovering one and possibly two of his beloved children are or may not be his is grave provocation and mitigation and explains this extraordinary behaviour on the day in question,” he said.

In passing sentence, Judge Peters told the man: “You have planned and committed an act of great degradation and great cruelty in locking up your ex-wife, having tied her down and raped her.”

Judge Peters said the man had lured his wife to his warehouse under the pretext of looking after his granddaughter, before spraying her with mace, tying her up, and bundling her into what was described as a “dungeon”.

The imprisonment of the woman in the warehouse following her rape was, according to the judge, the “major aggravating factor” of what he described as “one of the more extreme and unpleasant cases to come before the courts”.[...]

Jewish Chronicle

A Charedi woman who said her ex-husband raped her retracted the claim because she feared being stigmatised by the strictly Orthodox community, a court heard.

During the court proceedings the complainant has sent several emails from Israel, where she had gone before the trial, withdrawing her allegations.

But prosecution barrister Charlotte Newell told the court that the woman feared the effect a conviction would have on her family in the Charedi community.

Giving her closing argument, Ms Newell said she had “retracted her complaints because to put up with what happened that day is easier and more tolerable to her than the break-up of her family and the effect it had on her.”

In a previous letter the woman had told the court, “I do not wish to proceed with the matter further as it will lead to the break-up of my family. The real victims will be my children.”


 update: Jewish Chronicle

A strictly Orthodox man has been found guilty of kidnapping and raping his ex-wife.

The man was convicted of one count of kidnap, two counts of rape and one count of false imprisonment. [...]

During the trial, the woman had sent emails to the court withdrawing her allegations. The prosecution said she had done so because she had feared being stigmatised within the Charedi community.

 ========================================================

 Jewish Chronicle - accused man claims wife had rape fantasy


June 25, 2015

A strictly Orthodox man has denied raping his ex-wife in a "dungeon", claiming the woman encouraged him to act out a "rape fantasy".

Denying allegations of kidnap, rape and false imprisonment, he told a court on Wednesday that the woman had insisted on taking part in "rough" sex sessions.
A jury had previously been told that the woman was knocked out with gas, carried down to what she described as a dungeon, in a warehouse in north London, and was bound and raped twice.

The alleged victim claims she was left in the building with no way of escaping.

The defendant denied her version of events, claiming the "dungeon" was in fact a "safe room" where his family could hide in case of persecution

He disputed the complainant's allegation that they had not had sex since their divorce around six years ago, and said they had continued to sleep together in a double bed at the warehouse.

The man described in detail the sexual demands of his ex-wife and claimed she had insisted on the couple acting out rape fantasies.[...]

On the day the rape is said to have taken place, the defendant told the court the couple had became engaged in a "screaming match" about his unwillingness to give the woman a get. [...]

Jewish Chronicle

A charedi man kidnapped his ex-wife and raped her in a "hidden dungeon" before leaving her there to go home for Succot, a court heard this week.

The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is accused of one count of kidnap, two counts of rape and one count of false imprisonment on October 15 last year.

An associate is accused of aiding and abetting two acts of rape. Both men deny the charges

Charlotte Newell, prosecuting, told Snaresbrook Crown Court, that the men had sprayed the alleged victim with gas that knocked her out and carried her down to what she described as a dungeon inside a warehouse, in Stamford Hill, where she was bound and raped twice. She was then locked in, with no obvious means of escape.

She eventually cut herself free and phoned the police. [...]

Understanding why there are rabbis in sex scandals

Rotter Forums Interesting analysis of how things like Berland and Sheinberg happen in Haredi and Dati Leumi world. Seems like its Rabbi Shabtai Sabato Rosh Yeshiva of Mitzpe Yericho Yeshiva, but not sure.

****שיחת ראש הישיבה על הפרשייה הכאובה של הרב המקובל מהצפון:***

לפני שנתחיל את השיעור אני רוצה לגעת בפרשייה האחרונה שמסעירה את כולנו. אני כל פעם צריך לענות תשובות על מקרים כאלו ואחרים. למה אני צריך לקבל עונשים על דברים שאחרים עושים.

קודם כל אני לא רוצה להתייחס לאדם עצמו, כי לבנתיים הכל שמועות, אי אפשר לדון אנשים ככה. אני גם לא אדבר על השאלות האמוניות שמתעוררות אצל הציבור, שאלות כמו מדוע ה' מביא עלינו מהלכים כאלו? איך התורה מתגלית באדם כזה? וכו'.

אני אגע בעתיד, לא בעבר.

אז מה כן ראוי לעשות?

אני אציין ארבעה דברים שאם נקפיד עליהם לא נגיע לדברים כאלה:

1. דבר ראשון זה תופעת האדמורות:

התופעה הזו עושה המון נזקים. זו הסיבה שאני לא פועל כך. אני לא אדמו"ר ואתם לא חסידים. רב צריך לדבר רק על מה שהוא יודע ועל מה שהוא מבין בו. לכל אדם יש דעת, תבונה ושכל טוב. התפקיד שלנו זה לתת כלים שתהיו עצמאיים ותחליטו בעצמכם. אדם נמדד בבחירה החופשית שלו, בלקיחת גורלו ביד עצמו.

2. דבר שני זה תופעת רוח הקודש.

אין היום רוח הקודש. אין אחד בארץ עם רוח הקודש. אם תאמר שכן- אז איך בזמן החטופים אף אחד לא ידע שהם מתים, להפך- כל מי שמתהדר שיש לו רוח הקודש, אמר שהם חיים ונמצאים במקום כזה או אחר.

היום הקבלה פורחת כל אחד שיודע דבר או שניים, נחשב מקובל. מה זה מקובל בימינו? אדם שיכול לומר לך כמה ילדים יש לך ומהם השמות וכו'.. זה מקובל? יש לך גם גויים שעושים דברים כאלו. הוא אדם מוכשר, אינו מקובל. זה שהוא יודע לומר לך כמה דברים נסתרים שאנשים רגילים לא יודעים לומר, הופך אותו למקושר עם הקב"ה?

אנשים במצוקה, וכשהם במצוקה הם נתלים בדברים כאלו. כשאדם במצוקה הוא עושה טעויות, והטעות הכי גדולה זה לתלות את החלטותיך ביד אחרים.

אני אף פעם לא מורה לאדם מה לעשות, אני מציג לו את שני הצדדים-יתרונות וחסרונות, ונותן לשואל לבחור את החלטתו. אני לא רוצה לקחת את חוש הבחירה שלכם.

וזה ממשיך בסגולות המטופשות שמציפות כל חלקה, כל העין הרע וכו'. כל ההבל וריק שממלאים את העיתונות ואת הדפים של יום שישי. זה אחד הגורמים המכשילים.

גם אצל הרבי מילובביץ', כל הסיפור של משיח, זה לא הסיפור שלו, זה הסיפור של החסידים שלו. הוא עמד מולם ואמר להם שיפסיקו עם כל הדבר הזה. ומזה התלמידים שלו הבינו שהעבודה עוברת אליהם ועליהם להביא את המשיח- שזה בעצם הרבי.

קבלה היא לא משחק, אל תמהרו ללמוד קבלה, יש בזה הרבה סכנות. וצריך לומר את זה שוב ושוב, אנשים לא מכניסים את זה ללב. זה כמו בבני ברק שאנשים משקיעים את הכסף שלהם אצל מישהו ואחר כך הוא בורח עם כל הכסף. זה קורה כל כמה חודשים, והם לא לומדים לקח.

רב קיים בשביל ללמד תורה בדרך ה'. הוא לא בשביל לומר לך עם מי תתחתן וכו'. אתה רוצה להתייעץ איתו- שזה יהיה אך ורק בגדר ייעוץ, את ההחלטות תעשה אתה על פי שיקוליך.

אני יודע שתקשו קושיות, אבל התשובות זה מה שקורה עכשיו, מה שיקרה בעוד כמה זמן. סיפורים כאלו לא ייכלו.

שמתייעצים איתי איזה שם לקרוא לילד, דבר ראשון אני שואל איזה שם אתה רוצה. אם יגיד נמרוד- אני אומר לו שנמרוד לא יהיה כל כך מוצלח. אבל להתחיל לעשות חשבונות, שמות וכו'. אני לא מתיימר לדעת ואף אחד שלא ייתיימר לדעת. תתפכחו.

3. הדור הזה נכנס לכיוון של אהבת ה', וזה טוב. אבל שכחו שיש גם יראת ה'. וזו בעיה. אני מדבר על זה קרוב ל30 שנה. יראת ה', שזה מתבטא בהרבה דברים, גם בין היתר בלבוש של אדם, בעמידה מול ה'. ואם רואים שהרב עושה משהו שלא נראה, צריך לשאול אותו למה. יש פה יראת ה', צריך לשאול. תורה היא, וללמוד אנו צריכים.

אף אחד אין לו רשות לעבור על מצוות ה'. גם לא מקובלים!!.

ברגע שאדם רואה שיש משהו לא בסדר הוא צריך לשאול, חייב לשאול. לא להתחיל לעשות חשבון. לעשות את זה מתוך כבוד והערכה. לא מתוך טיפשות. אני אומר את זה כבר שנים.

אם יש זמן תפילה, אי אפשר לקום ב10 ולהגיד ה' אוהב אותי. זו אהבה בלי יראה. כך אמרו נדב ואביהוא ונשרפו באש. יראה ואהבה ביחד ימנעו הרבה נפילות, לא רק של תלמידים, אלא גם של רבנים.

4. יש אמירה שהיא לא נכונה במציאות של ימינו, והיא הייתה נכונה במציאות של פעם "ושמרת לעשות ככל אשר יורוך: על פי התורה אשר יורוך ועל המשפט אשר יאמרו לך תעשה לא תסור מן הדבר אשר יגידו לך ימין ושמאל". זה נאמר על הסנהדרין. גם הם יכולים לחטוא, פר העלם דבר של שגגת עיני העדה. היום בוודאי שאין סנהדרין אין דבר כזה 'על שמאל שהוא ימין'. ואם מישהו יגיד לכם- תאמרו לו שיסביר לכם ואם זה נכון, אז בסדר.

אני פעם שמעתי את אחד הרבנים מירושלים שביקר בישיבה תיכונית ונתן להם שיחת מוסר- חשוב שתהיו כל היום עסוקים בתורה ותאמרו סברות. לא משנה איזה סברות, לא משנה אם הם שקריות או אמיתיות. אני כמעט התעלפתי ששמעתי את זה.

שימו לב שכמעט 90 אחוז ממה שאני אומר זה מופנה כלפי הציבור. כי זה מתחיל מהאנשים. אם אנשים ישמעו לדברים האלו אז רבנים לא יפלו.

מה שאמר משה רבנו "הצור תמים פועלו כי כל דרכיו משפט אל אמונה ואין עוול צדיק וישר הוא". אנו לא יודעים את כל התמונה. כמו שאני תמיד אומר לכם על ספר קהלת.

כל דבר כזה שמתגלה הוא מרפא את האדמה כדי שלא יהיה שפך דם של נקיים. דברים כאלו שמתרחשים בסתר זה חילול ה' לכן יש הרוגים ופצועים. כשזה מתגלה, זה נפסק. חילול ה' יותר גדול כשזה נעשה בסתר. כשזה בסתר יש כעס על הארץ, ואנו לא יודעים למה יש פצועים והרוגים ואז יש כעס על הקב"ה. כשזה נפסק יורד הדין מעל עמ"י.

אני מקווה שאנחנו, תלמידים חברים, ציבור, נשמע את הדברים הללו ונמנע נפילות.

עד כאן לנושא הזה.

הבהרה: לא מדובר ברב חיים סבתו