Never Too Old to Hurt From Parents’ Divorce

NY Times

The divorce rate among couples 50 and older has soared. The number of individuals who are adults when their parents divorce is climbing with it. Yet the vast majority of recent research, and subsequent counseling, for divorcing couples is focused on young children. [...]

When Krista Mischo’s parents divorced after 45 years of marriage, she sought comfort from others in her situation. “I went to a divorce care group, but it was a meeting for adults going through divorces,” said Mrs. Mischo, who lives in Wisconsin and was 43 at the time. “The only group for children of divorce I could find was for young children.”

In 2012, she decided to create a group of her own, and began writing a blog, Time for Serenity (acodtimeforserenity.blogspot.com). Continue reading the main story

 

In a short time, she said, the blog had attracted more than 20,000 readers around the world. Mrs. Mischo, who stopped writing the blog after two years, said, “I think I really exhausted every possible topic I could think of, and therapeutically I have worked through almost every aspect of this, and I don’t want this to define me.” [...]

“My father told me I wasn’t sad enough about it,” Ms. Kutner said. “He would say, ‘I just got divorced.’ And I would say to him: ‘My parents just got divorced. I don’t know what to tell you.’”

Then her mother wanted to share details of her dates. Ms. Kutner had had enough.

“I have said so many times over the past year that I felt as though I had two 50-something-year-old children,” Ms. Kutner said. “And I have totally resented it.”

Both parents want the children to understand their pain and confusion. That’s not O.K., therapists say. Parent up, they say. [...]

Worse, many adult children begin to question whether they want children of their own, or if they have the ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

“I really have no interest in the idea of getting married,” Ms. Kutner said. “If my parents could end up not staying together, to me it really indicates that we live too long, and I have found a lot of peace in that. Some people really do outgrow each other, and the relationship is as long as it is and that might not be a lifetime.” [...]

In the generaltion of Moshiach - talmidei chachomim there will be claims made against talmidei chachomim - Greenblatt-Kaminetsky Heter

It is interesting to note that criticizing talmidei chachoim is one of the signs of the time of Moshiach. On the one hand that could be understood as there will be unjustified attacks on rabbonim in the time of Moshiach. However it clearly also can be understood to mean that Moshiach will come when the masses  criticize gedolim who corrupt the halachic process and go against the Torah and as a result undermine emunas chachomim by their actions

Kesubos (112b) R. Zera said: R. Jeremiah b. Abba stated, ‘In the generation in which the son of David7 will come there will be prosecution8 against scholars’. When I repeated this statement in the presence of Samuel, he exclaimed, [There will be] test after test,9 for it is said in Scripture, And if there be yet a tenth in it, it shall again be eaten up.10

 כתובות (קיב:)  

אמר רבי זירא אמר רבי ירמיה בר אבא דור שבן דוד בא קטיגוריא בתלמידי חכמים כי אמריתה קמיה דשמואל אמר צירוף אחר צירוף שנאמר ועוד בה עשיריה ושבה והיתה לבער

Review of The Beys Din System Today by R’ Ari Marburger (published in Dialogue) -[ Kaminetsky-Greenblatt Heter]

Guest post by Yehuda

“It’s common when someone loses in Beys Din that he tells his friend his innocence and says, “You can see that I’m correct and Beys Din got it backward. If my case would have been in front of So-and-So who’s know as a wise man, he certainly would have seen who’s correct and wouldn’t have reached such a terrible backwards verdict!” He then continues cursing the Beys Din because of this in ways that aren’t fit to print.”

Frustration with Beys Din is not a new phenomenon, as the above quotation from the Chofetz Chaim (L”H 6’ 8’) indicates. No one likes to lose, and it’s a lot easier to blame the Beys Din than to admit to being wrong. Yet there are legitimate complaints about the modern Beys Din system in the United States, and recognition of the problem is always a prerequisite for finding solutions. Therefore it is a pleasure to see the issue discussed in Dialogue in what is promised to be the first of several articles. R’ Marburger is the director of the Business Halacha Institute and therefore focuses on Choshen Mishpat, but most of his discussion applies to Beys Din in general.

The article begins with a very important disclaimer: The fact that Beys Din has issues does not mean secular court becomes automatically permissible. We have had an illustrious visitor to this blog argue that Tamar Epstein was justified in going to secular court because Beys Din has problems. It was noted at the time that no Rabbonim permit such an indiscriminate amendment to the Shulchan Aruch, but the misconception is unfortunately widespread.

Before we get to the legitimate complaints, it is important to define several terms. A Beys Din Kavua is a Beys Din established with the consent of the community. A Zabla Beys Din is a process in which each litigant chooses one Dayan and then the two Dayanim choose a third Dayan. A Zabla Beys Din is more problematic than a Beys Din Kavua in all of the issues at hand.

R’ Marburger primarily discusses four issues: The cost of a Din Torah, the inability to appeal the Psak, private communication between the Dayanim and litigants, and the lack of a written explanation of the Psak. All four are against the Shulchan Aruch. Yet all four are common practice and therefore justified by the Acharonim on various grounds. However, the real question is not how is it permissible, but why are we looking for loopholes? Regarding cost, the answer is simple: Dayanim don’t get paid by the community or the government, so if they wouldn’t charge the litigants they would starve. R’ Marburger notes that Zablas cost more than a Beys Din Kavua and tend to take longer (the beauty of charging by the hour). The lack of appeal is also justified by the legal requirement that arbitration agreements be final. However, the other two problems are a lot harder to justify. R’ Marburger does not present a reason per se why a Beys Din would want to communicate privately with a litigant (other than the obvious, which we’d rather not think about), rather he presents a Halachik justification for Zablas to engage in this behavior. This leads to two important ramification: A Beys Din Kavua has no such Heter, and even a Zabla can be forced to abide by the original Halacha if a litigant insists beforehand. Finally, the most difficult issue to explain is why Beys Din often does not provide a written explanation of its psak. R’ Marburger provides three possible reasons: Cost, potential embarrassment to the losing party, and the possibility that someone will make fun of the psak. This third concern seems to be based loosely on the Gemora Avodah Zarah 35a or Igros Moshe Y’D 4’ 38’ 7’, which is primarily a concern that someone will not follow the psak, not that he’ll make fun of it. Whatever the reason for the custom, in today’s climate when people already have questions with the system, it seems counterproductive to ask for blind trust from litigants.

The article is certainly thought provoking, but something very curious appears after the article: an addendum from R’ Shlomo Miller that in some ways is more significant than the entire article. It represents the first time that a mainstream publication has published a rebuke of the actions of R’ Herschel Schachter and R’ Shmuel Kamenetzky against Aharon Friedman. No, R’ Miller does not say any names. But he states that no one other than a Beys Din Kavua can issue a Hazmana; in other words, Rabbis Schachter and Kamenetzky and certainly Martin Wolmark cannot issue a Hazmana to anyone, and if you can’t issue a Hazmana then you obviously can’t issue a Seruv for failure to respond. Ben Bno shel Kal V’Chomer that you can’t order that someone be beaten, as R’ Schachter stated publically about Aharon Friedman. R’ Miller also says that you can only force the opposing litigant to use Zabla when the Dayanim are distinguished people, but otherwise they do not have the status of what the Shulchan Aruch calls Zabla. This is a remarkable statement that allows more people who are leery of Zabla to avoid it.

So what are the Gedolim going to do to fix the problems? Ask not what the Gedolim can do for you; rather ask what you can do for the Gedolim(and klal yisrael)! According to R’ Marburger, the fix will have to come from the bottom-up. He states “Change will require… widespread grassroots insistence by the end-users of the system”. Sounds like a job for a blog!

Note: As per R’ Aharon Feldman, anyone who has something to add to the discussion is encouraged to write a Letter to the Editor of Dialogue.

Former Shomrim leader charged in federal court with bribing New York police officers.

Arutz 7

A former leader of an Orthodox volunteer security patrol in Brooklyn has been charged in federal court with bribing New York police officers to “expedite” gun permit applications for members of the Orthodox community.

Alex “Shaya” Lichtenstein was indicted on bribery and conspiracy charges Monday after an officer in the New York Police Department’s License Division allegedly confessed that he and a supervisor had accepted bribes from him, according to the New York Post.

The Forward reported that Lichtenstein — who was arrested Sunday at his home in Rockland County, a heavily Orthodox region an hour north of New York City — is the former coordinator of the Borough Park-based Shomrim security patrol. Citing court papers, the Forward said that at the time of his arrest, Lichtenstein was carrying an NYPD detective’s shield bearing the word “liaison” even though he is not an official NYPD liaison. [...]

Court papers say Lichtenstein was secretly recorded last week boasting about how his police connections had enabled him to secure 150 gun licenses. He reportedly offered another police officer $6,000 per gun permit after fearing that the FBI was cracking down on the officers who had previously helped him. [....]

Yishai Schlissel convicted of murder at 2015 gay parade

Arutz 7   A Jerusalem district court found Yishai Schlissel guilty of murder on Tuesday in connection with the murder of a teenage girl in 2015.

Last July, Schlissel attacked the Jerusalem gay pride parade, stabbing seven participants. One of his victims, Shira Banki, died from her injuries three days after the attack.

Schlissel carried out the attack just three weeks after having been released from prison for a prior stabbing attack.

A father of four from the haredi town of Modi’in Illit, Schlissel had been convicted and sentenced to 12 years in prison for a similar attack on the 2005 Jerusalem gay pride parade. Three people were wounded in that attack.

Schlissel was released early, however, after a court reduced his sentence by two years.

During his prison sentence for the 2005 stabbing attacks, Schlissel divorced his wife.

Prep Schools Wrestle With Sex Abuse Accusations Against Teachers

NY Times

Phillips Exeter Academy, an elite New Hampshire boarding school whose prominent graduates include Daniel Webster and Mark Zuckerberg, disclosed last month that it had forced out a popular teacher in 2011 because of sexual misconduct in the 1970s and ’80s.

The school’s delayed announcement — officials said they had been protecting the victims’ privacy — brought forth allegations against other employees. And on Wednesday, Exeter announced that it had fired a second teacher who had admitted to sexual encounters with a student more than two decades ago.

The revelations at Exeter are the latest to rock the insular, privileged world of American prep schools. In the past decade, sex abuse allegations have tarnished a litany of top private schools, including Horace Mann in the Bronx, Deerfield Academy in western Massachusetts and the Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. Since December, more than 40 alumni of St. George’s School, an elite boarding school in Rhode Island, have reported several cases of molestation and rape, mostly in the 1970s and ’80s.

Sexual misconduct is, of course, not limited to select private schools. Educators say that it occurs with alarming frequency across all types of educational institutions. [...]

A 2004 analysis of the scant research on sex abuse estimated that 9.6 percent of students in public schools experience some form of educator sexual misconduct, ranging from offensive comments to rape, between kindergarten and 12th grade.

“Boarding schools are fertile ground for predatory behavior, mostly because you’re with the kids all the time,” said Eric MacLeish, a lawyer representing several alumni who say they were sexually abused at St. George’s.

“It is accepted that teachers will get very, very close to students as they become mentors,” he said. “They work out together, eat together, take trips together, go to Europe together with the school choir. Many live on campus and are dorm parents.”

Hawk Cramer, 48, an elementary school principal in Seattle who said he was molested by a faculty member at St. George’s when he was a student there in the early 1980s, agreed that the unfettered access to students at boarding schools can allow a pedophile to groom victims.

“You can call kids into your home, you can be alone with them, and kids think you have control over their future,” he said.

And students are loath to report the abuse, at least in real time. “Students are embarrassed and under huge pressure to perform,” Mr. Cramer said. “They don’t want anyone to think they aren’t measuring up or that they’re a victim.”[...]

“I do think a lot of schools are grappling now in a way they haven’t before with what are the best practices in terms of providing safety and enough prevention, training and education,” said David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. [...]

He and others attributed the changes in part to liability concerns stemming from the explosive Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal at Penn State in 2011. Mr. Sandusky, a coach who was convicted of abusing 10 boys over 15 years, has cost the university more than $92 million in settlement costs.

More recently, the Oscar-winning movie “Spotlight,” an account of The Boston Globe’s exposé of sexual abuse of children by Roman Catholic priests and the subsequent cover-up, may be spurring a new round of reporting. [...]

Ross Greene Ph.D Why so many kids are being diagnosed today and why diagnosis can be limiting

For more information on special needs support visit KidsInTheHouse.com



For more information on special needs support visit KidsInTheHouse.com

Why Is This Matzo Different From All Other Matzos? An unintended side effect of kosher law: better tasting food

NY Times

SEVERAL years ago, at a family Seder, I tasted a matzo I actually liked. It was misshapen and lightly burned, distinguishing it from the machine-made matzo of my youth. And this one possessed something that I had never experienced with matzo: It had flavor. What can I say? Up until that moment, the best matzo of my life was not much better than the worst matzo of my life; you could taste the struggle in every bite. For the first time I ate matzo and thought, This is delicious.

In the spirit of the Four Questions, which the youngest child always asks at the Passover Seder, and which begin with: Why is this night different from all other nights? I asked myself, “Why is this matzo different from all other matzos?”

I’m a chef, so of course I was tempted to credit the baker. [...]

A visit to the bakery where the matzo was made, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, allowed me to see how this law plays out on the ground. There were roughly 40 workers, with earlocks and yarmulkes, white shirts and black pants. For each batch of matzo, from the moment the water met flour, the workers frantically mixed, rolled and baked — all within 18 minutes — guaranteeing no fermentation.

The precision was impressive. But the recipe was just a hurried mix of flour and water. Not even a kiss of salt — nothing to explain that bravura taste, apart from the grain itself.

The bakery, I learned, specialized in an elite class of matzo called “shmurah,” meaning “guarded” or “watched,” which Orthodox communities prescribe for the first night of Passover. For shmurah matzo, the guarding against chametz begins not in the bakery but in the field, with rabbis overseeing the grain from harvest through to milling. Maybe, I thought, the matzo owed its flavor to this rabbinical scrutiny.

So several months later, I drove to upstate New York to visit one of the bakery’s suppliers, Klaas Martens, a grain farmer whom, coincidentally, I’ve known for many years. It was early July, and he was waiting to harvest kosher spelt for shmurah matzo. (Spelt isn’t typical matzo material, but it is one of the five biblical grains permitted in Passover tradition.) [...]

“What was remarkable to me is that being constrained by the rules of the rabbi, it forced us to figure out how to better preserve the quality of the grain,” Klaas said. [...]

Convinced that the matzo I’d tasted must be proof not just of a higher understanding of agriculture but also of a higher understanding of deliciousness, I asked the rabbi if he believed that any of the kosher laws ended up producing better-tasting food.

“No. Absolutely not,” he said. “It’s just kosher law.” [...]

I was beginning to see how the annual shmurah harvest improved Klaas’s farming for the rest of the year. It encouraged him to diversify crops, for instance, ridding his fields of weeds and improving the soil for everything else he grew. [...]

As we started down the last row of the 30-acre field, I watched the rabbi study the spelt left to cut. At the end of this hot, grueling day, he didn’t ease into the last few minutes of the harvest. If anything, he looked closer, examining the spelt so carefully, so faithfully, he might have been reading ancient scrolls.

I can’t shake that image because of something Klaas told me many years ago: “The history of wheat in a question is ‘How do we grow this and make it easier?’ ”

We’ve been spectacularly successful. After all, wheat built Western civilization. We eat a lot of the stuff — in the United States, more than 130 pounds per person each year. Worldwide, it covers more acreage than any other crop.

The rabbi, however, was not interested in making wheat easier. And his stone-faced inspection reminded me of what that pursuit has left us with: 

chemicals, denuded wheat, depleted soils and a host of other problems with our food system.

Everyone has his own standards — for food and faith — but that image of the rabbi gave me hope that the solution for a problem centuries in the making is within reach. Call it a fifth question: Instead of making something easier, why not make it more delicious? There’s room at the table for that.

Rav Herschel Schachter to give shiur at the Epstein's shul on Sunday

=================from a year ago =================

http://www.mainlinehealth.org/wtn/Page.asp?PageID=WTN001657

(Wynnewood, PA) – Lankenau Medical Center (LMC), part of Main Line Health, recently held a dedication of its Shabbat Suite, which was attended by community members, hospital administrators, physicians and staff. Lankenau Medical Center is located within a populous Jewish community in the western suburbs where the need is great for Jewish families to be able to observe Shabbat, religious holidays and Jewish religious law while their loved ones are in the hospital. 

The suite was designed to help patients’ families adhere to specific activities that Orthodox and other observant Jews refrain from during the Sabbath, which includes driving and cooking. The suite has two sleeping rooms, each with a private bathroom, which allows family members to stay near their loved one in the hospital on the Sabbath, which starts at sundown on Friday and ends at nightfall on Saturday. The new suite also has a kosher pantry and kitchen accommodations. Both the sleeping accommodations and kosher pantry are also available during religious holidays and during other patient stays.

“The dedication of this special suite would not have been possible without the efforts of Lankenau physician leadership and our partners in the Jewish community whose coordinated efforts have created a special place for patient families to observe Shabbat while their loved ones are hospitalized,” said Phil Robinson, President, Lankenau Medical Center. “The Shabbat Suite is one example of our commitment to delivering a personalized experience to all who entrust their care here.”

The Bikur Cholim Reception Area was dedicated in memory of David E. Epstein, MD, an esteemed former Lankenau Medical Center physician who passed away in 2010. In a drive spearheaded by Rebetzin Choni Levene of Lower Merion Synagogue, where Dr. Epstein and his wife Cheryl worshipped, its members donated close to $50,000, and his family made a special gift of $25,000 in his memory. Stephen M. Gollomp, MD, Lankenau Medical Center Neurology, and his wife Randie, dedicated the Prayer Room in memory of his parents, Renee and Bernard Gollomp. Over 25 Lankenau physicians committed to gifts of $1,800 or more in support of the Shabbat Suite. [....]

(From left) Standing before the plaque in her husband’s memory, Cheryl R. Epstein, widow of Dr. David Epstein and special donor to the dedication of the Bikur Cholim Reception Area in his memory; Tamar Epstein, daughter of David and Cheryl; and Suri Rabinovici, mother of Cheryl R. Epstein.

Allen J. Frances on the overdiagnosis of mental illness Kaminetsky-Greenblatt Hetter

Published on May 11, 2012

Psychiatrist and author, Allen J. Frances, believes that mental illnesses are being over-diagnosed. In his lecture, Diagnostic Inflation: Does Everyone Have a Mental Illness?, Dr. Frances outlines why he thinks the DSM-V will lead to millions of people being mislabeled with mental disorders. His lecture was part of Mental Health Matters, an initiative of TVO in association with the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health.

Metzorah- Pesach 76 - Leadership, Humility and Internalization by Allan Katz

 Guest Post by   Allan Katz

The Metzorah has to undergo purification, cleansing – tahara and atonement so that he can rejoin the nation and rededicate himself to the service of God. He attains kappara- atonement by removing part of his negative  personality and rejecting it – his self-pride, arrogance and haughtiness which is responsible for his contempt for other people and the underlying cause of his slander, gossip and la'shon ha'rah. The purification ritual is a process where the metzorah repents and changes from an arrogant person to become  a humble human being. The ritual includes the bringing of ושני תולעת ואזוב - scarlet thread which was dyed with a pigment made from a lowly creature and a low bush – the hyssop symbolizing the idea of humility. He also brings of cedar wood which grows tall and is imposing as a symbol of haughtiness. The question is asked - if our concern is to help a person become more humble, let him just bring the hyssop and the scarlet thread, why also  bring the cedar wood. ?

Being a humble ' nobody ' is not what the Torah wants of people. People are supposed to become leaders in their lives , strive for greatness, virtue and righteous and like the cedar in Lebanon grow tall - כארז בלבנון ישגה, but at the same time be humble. Humility is not taking credit for any achievements or success but acknowledging that without God's divine help and providence and the merit of the community he serves, he could not achieve in the world. But it goes further than this – humility is a precondition for great leadership. It gives one the courage to expose one's vulnerability and admit mistakes, learn from other people and listen to the concerns and perspectives of others. Being humble makes more space for others to come into his circle. A sign of Moses growth in stature was his going out and including his brothers in his circle of empathy – ויגדל משה ויצא. The arrogant person is concerned with protecting the image of his ' self', does not have the courage to expose his vulnerability, admit mistakes and listen to others. There is only place for himself in his circle and a fear of exposing himself makes him not willing to cooperate or support others and just be competitive . This breeds distrust and suspicion. People just don't connect with the person who is aloof and acts as if he is perfect. Leadership attracts people with  traits of humility and humanness – the courage to expose vulnerability.

The exodus from Egypt also required a purification process from the impurity of Egypt. A bundle of hyssop – אגודת אזוב, a symbol of humility was dipped in the blood of the Pesach sacrifice. It was an acknowledgment that only God's intervention would redeem them from Egypt and they had to demonstrate a unity which included as many people in their circle.

The ritual designed to cleanse and purify the metzorah focuses on humility. The question is asked – let the Kohen give a lecture to the metzorah on humility and tell him that he should become a humble person instead of him going through the ritual using symbols – 2 birds, spring water, cedar wood, scarlet thread and hyssop etc.? We cannot tell people to be humble. Becoming humble is an autonomous, self-directed internal process that comes from being reflective and making meaning of one's life. It means giving expression to values rooted in in his soul and inner-being. The symbols stimulate questions, making meaning and internalizing values. The Kohen as a leader and teacher has to create a learning environment and help with the process  where the metzorah can make meaning and internalize values. It goes beyond the old Chinese proverb - Tell me, I forget. Teach me, I remember, Involve me, I understand. We want internalization of values and in the case of the metzorah – it is becoming a person of stature who is also a  humble person. The ritual process helps him repent and be reflective. He sends away the bird a symbol of the person who talks badly about others, and the hyssop, cedar wood, scarlet thread and blood of the slaughtered bird are mixed with the spring water and then sprinkled – hazayah on him seven times
The Pesach Seider experience is about creating an environment which stimulates the curiosity of children to ask questions. It is questions, their questions and we challenging their thinking that drives the acquisition of knowledge that touches the heart and promotes the internalization of the underlying values. True freedom is becoming a humble leader who supports the needs and autonomy of others around him. As parents and teachers we should support kid's autonomy so that they become humble leaders who internalize the lessons of the Torah.

39 Brooklyn yeshivos have been sued for not providing a useful secular education: Naftuli Moster of Yaffed says city is dragging its feet

Chaim Levin & report card - NY Times

Update: Just added a post dealing directly with the  Importance of secular studies

 update: added the original complaint
NY Times  A group representing parents and former students at ultra-Orthodox yeshivas accused the de Blasio administration on Wednesday of dragging its feet in investigating their schools, out of fear of alienating a constituency that the mayor has assiduously courted.

In July, 52 parents, former students and former teachers sent a letter to New York City’s Education Department saying that 39 yeshivas were violating state law by not providing students, particularly boys, an adequate education in secular subjects like English, math and science. The Education Department said then that it would conduct an investigation of the yeshivas, located in Brooklyn and Queens.

But on Wednesday, the group behind the letter held a news conference in front of City Hall to express its frustration with the lack of any apparent progress in the investigation.

“It’s eight months later, and there’s no sign of a serious investigation taking place,” Naftuli Moster, the leader of the group, Young Advocates for Fair Education, said. “In fact, all indications are that the D.O.E. is just stalling us. In the meantime, tens of thousands of boys — we estimate around 30,000 — are not getting a basic education.”

update

   Parent Doe v the State of New York 

The group’s lawyer, Norman Siegel, a longtime advocate for civil liberties, said he believed the reason the investigation was stalled was that city officials did not want to cross ultra-Orthodox leaders. [...]

Chaim Levin, 26, who attended the news conference, said that when he was a child, his yeshiva, Oholei Torah in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, offered no English education at all. He showed his third-grade report card, which listed marks in prayer, the study of Torah and Talmud, Hebrew spelling, penmanship, Yiddish and Jewish history. He said he was now in his second semester of college and was hoping to become a lawyer, but that he was dreading having to take a math class, because he had never learned algebra.[...]


========================================================
Yaffed

YAFFED is an advocacy group committed to improving educational curricula within ultra-Orthodox schools because we fervently believe that every child is entitled to a fair and equitable education. Our work involves raising awareness about the importance of general studies education, and encouraging the leadership of the ultra-Orthodox world to act responsibly in preparing their youth for economic sufficiency and for broad access to the resources of the modern world.

We encourage compliance with relevant state guidelines for education while maintaining respect for the primacy of Judaic studies and the unique cultural and religious values of the ultra-Orthodox community. Our mission is to ensure that all students receive the critical tools and skillsets needed for long-term personal growth and self-sufficient futures.