Marriage and divorce

אמת ליעקב דברים פרק כד פסוק א

(א) והיה אם לא תמצא חן בעיניו כי מצא בה ערות דבר11.
הנה במשנה [גיטין דף צ' ע"א] נחלקו בזה התנאים, דב"ה אומרים אפילו הקדיחה תבשילו, ורבי עקיבא אומר אפילו מצא אחרת נאה הימנה וכו'. לכאורה זה טעון הסבר, דמדוע תתיר התורה לאיש לגרש את אשתו אך ורק בשביל שהקדיחה תבשילו או משום שמצא אחרת נאה הימנה, וכי מה חטאה זו שתהא מגורשת?
אמנם נראה שכאן ירדה התורה לבאר לנו מהו ענין הנישואין, והיינו שכל אדם צריך לחשוב על אשתו שהיא היותר חכמה והיותר נאה והיותר טובה משאר הנשים שבעולם (וכן היא צריכה לחשוב כן עליו), ואם יתכן שהוא מצא אחרת נאה הימנה נמצא ששוב הוא אינו מחשב את אשתו להכי נאה וא"כ זהו סימן שאין זיווגם עולה יפה. וכן הוא בענין הקדיחה תבשילו, דהנה זה כלל שאין אדם רואה חובה לעצמו, ואם למשל במקרה הפליט דבר מה מפיו מה שלא היה רוצה להגיד, זה ודאי דלא שייך שיכעוס על לשונו - שהרי הוא לשונו ולשונו הוא, וא"כ אם הוא מרגיש איזה טענה במה שהיא הקדיחה תבשילו זהו סימן שהוא אינו מרגיש את האיחוד ביניהם כראוי ואין זיווגם עולה יפה, ולכן יכול הוא לגרשה. ונמצא שהקדחת התבשיל אינו סיבת הגירושין, אלא מה שמרגיש זה לתביעה עליה זה הוא סיבת הגירושין, ודו"ק היטב בזה.
והנה באמת זו מדרגה קשה להשיג, כי איך יתכן ששני בני אדם שונים יתמזגו ויתאחדו להיות כמעט כמו גוף אחד, ולכאורה זה לגמרי נגד הטבע. ובאמת זהו ביאור מאמרם [סוטה דף ב' ע"א]: וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף, דלכאורה מה שייך "קשה" קמיה קודשא בריך הוא, והלא הוא ברא את העולם כולו באתא קלילא דלית בה מששא, ומה הקושי בשבילו לקרוע את ים סוף. אלא ביאור הדבר הוא שה' בחכמה יסד ארץ [משלי ג' פי"ט], והיינו שכל מה שהטביע הקדוש ברוך הוא בעולם נעשה ע"פ חכמת הבורא, ולכן כשהוא צריך לשנות את הטבע הרי זה חריגה מדרך החכמה, והרי זה כמו שמאלצים לאדם חכם לעשות דבר שטות שזה דבר מאד "קשה" בשבילו, ולכן לעשות מהים יבשה זה דבר קשה בשביל הקדוש ברוך הוא12. וכמו כן ענין הזיווג, כלומר ההתקשרות בין שני גופים שונים להיות גוף אחד, זה התקשרות שהיא למעלה מטבע האדם שהטביע השי"ת בעולמנו, ולכן קשה הזיווג כקריעת ים סוף.
ונראה שבכדי להקל על העבודה הקשה הזאת ברא הקדוש ברוך הוא את הזכר והנקבה באופן שהם שתי חלקים מגוף אחד, וזה הוא הביאור בדברי חז"ל שארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד מכריזין בת פלוני לפלוני, והכוונה בזה הוא שמיד בתחילת יצירתו של האדם הרי הוא כבר באמת חלק אחד עם המיועדת לו, וכבר מתחילת הוייתם הם כשני חלקים מגוף אחד וכל אחד מהם באמת הוא רק חצי מדבר שלם, ולכן כשהם מזדווגים זה עם זה הם באמת משלימים את החצי החסר, ורק באופן זה יכולים הם להגיע לידי המטרה העיקרית של הנשואין - האיחוד לגוף אחד, ודו"ק.

Abarbanel(Devarim 21, 24): The 12th question is how is it possible that G‑d’s Torah agrees that marriage can be dissolved by divorce. It would seem to be wrong that a man and woman who were  united before G‑d should be able to separate from each other  and that the woman be allowed to have sexual relations with another man and that the man should marry a different woman. It would seem that those things which are done as mitzvos should not be subject to regret and reversal. And surely this would apply to divorce which can be done without significant justification. The Torah simply says, “If she does not find favor in his eyes because he found in her something unseemly (ervas davar) then he should write a document of divorce and give it to her and send her away.” This is especially problematic according to the view that divorce can result even if he doesn’t like the way she makes his meals. Concerning marriage the Torah says (Bereishis 2:24), Therefore a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife and they should be one flesh.” This is a general lesson concerning the nature of man and how human relations change. So how is it possible that this natural process be reversed? Answer (Devarim 24) : There is no question that the actions of man in this world are in order to achieve one of five goals. 1) Acquiring wealth, 2) love of honor,  3) physical pleasures, 4) spiritual perfection or 5) welfare of one’s children. The joining together of a man and his wife in marriage can bring about all 5 of these goals. Marriage can provide good financial benefits because man is not like other creatures who obtain their clothing through nature as well as their food. In contrast man must acquire clothing and food through work which requires much preparations in order to obtain these things. A wife can be very helpful in acquiring material objects as well as food and clothing. Marriage is also inherently helpful in obtaining honor and respect since a single man finds it difficult to obtain honor because true glory goes to one who has a household. Marriage also provides physical pleasures especially since she obviates the need for prostitutes. There are also additional physical benefits in that she can help him with his tasks and work as well as taking care of his bodily needs and pleasures. Marriage also is helpful in spiritual perfection - not only by keeping him from sin and pursing his lusts - but also in fulfilling      the mitzva of having children aside from the mitzvos that are available to him as married man. In fact marriage is also beneficial for the woman in that she has children. She is the cause of their existence and she raises and educates them as our Sages said in Yevamos (63), It is sufficient for a wife if she simply raises the children and saves her husband from sin. That is why G‑d’s Torah commands us concerning marriage because G‑d saw that it was not good for man to be alone. He also commanded the woman not to commit adultery and that the man was obligated providing her with food, clothing and conjugal duties. However all these benefits of marriage do not automatically exist and come about simply by getting married. Rather these benefits are conditional on there being a compatibility between the couple regarding their natures and personality to maximum degree possible. This compatibility also causes love and tranquility between them as it says that G‑d made her an ezer kenego. In other words an ezer kenegdo means that she is an ezer (help) if she is like him (kenegdo) and agrees with him in all matters. The importance of this compatibility can be seen from the fact that G‑d brought all the animals and birds to Adam in order that he determine the name of each creature. In other words he was to observe each creature to see whether there was one which had the appropriate temperament and was compatible with his personality and his nature. That is why the Torah notes that after examining every creature Adam had not found his ezer kenedgo (his compatible mate). In other words even though he found those creatures which would be ezer (be of help) to him but none which were kenegdo (compatible and complementary to his nature). Because compatibility can not be based solely on the fact that a creature is female. Therefore it was necessary to do something different in order to create the proper compatibility and love. G‑d took one of Adam’s ribs and cloned a woman from it and then brought her to Adam - in order that she have his personality and nature. All of this was done to ensure the proper match and complementarity of the personality and attributes between a man and his wife and that it was inherent from her creation. That is because if it were the opposite then there would be no actual compatibility and thus there would be no basis for a successful household and not one of the five goals we mentioned would be accomplished. If there was no compatibility with the woman then it would be better for the man to remain alone and not join with that vile serpent – the bad wife. This is stated by Shlomo (Koheles 7), I find the woman more bitter than death...Similarly in Mishlei (25), It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a roomy house. Another source is Yevamos (63a), If he merits she is a helper (ezer) and if not she is his opponent (kenegdo). What this gemora is saying is that there is no middle neutral position regarding a man and woman. In fact the wife is either a help or an opponent since it is totally dependent upon the compatibility or incompatibility of their natures. How can there be a middle position in being compatible or incompatible? Consequently G‑d has commanded that when a man finds that his nature and personality are not compatible with that of his wife as expressed by the verse, “And if she doesn’t find favor in his eyes because he found in her ervas davar (an unseemly thing) - that their incompatible natures are the reason that he should divorce her. That is because it is better that they get divorced than have increasing hatred, fights and bickering between them.  The philosopher (Aristotle) has already mentioned this idea in relationship to the conduct of society. He has noted that because of this question of compatibility, men have agreed that there should be a period of engagement (eirusin) prior to marriage in order that they have a trial period to see how compatible they are. Only if they experience the love and tranquility that are the indicators of compatibility will they get married. That is because it is better to divorce her while she is still a virgin then a married non-virgin. This is a very solid reason for divorce besides the reason given by the Rambam (Moreh Nevuchim 3:49). However if they did get married and do not experience the indicators of compatibility in any way, the Torah says that they should get divorced which is the lesser of evils. Because perhaps he will marry a different woman who is compatible to his nature and personality and she will marry someone who is like her. This is preferable to them living their lives in suffering and torment and even worse perhaps killing or adultery and other serious evils. Therefore the Torah said, When a man takes a woman for a wife and has sexual intercourse with her. This means that even though she had intercourse with him which you might think make it wrong to get divorced since he has tormented her – nevertheless if she doesn’t find favor in his eyes or he hates her ... then he has the choice of divorcing her. Nevertheless the Torah doesn’t want her divorced by simply telling her that she is divorced or by giving her money or by sending her from his house. That is to ensure that divorce is not easy to do which would result in a woman being divorced multiple times from her husband – because he was in a bad mood. Another negative consequence of easy divorce would be that she could go and falsely tell people that she was divorced in order to commit adultery with another man. Therefore in order to remove all these pitfalls from divorce, G‑d commanded that a man can only divorce his wife with a written document which requires many conditions to be valid as well as witnesses. All of these serve the purpose of making it not so easy for the husband to get divorced. Consequently if the husband wants to divorce his wife when he is in a state of anger and outrage, this will form a difficult barrier to overcome and he will calm down. This complicated procedure also serves to prevent her from falsely declaring that she is divorced – as the Rambam says in Moreh Nevuchim....

Chinuch(#579): Divorce requires a document: The basis of this mitzva is that since a woman was created to help her husband and she is to him like an desirable utensil. A similar idea is expressed in Sanhedrin (22b), A woman does not make a covenant except with one who makes her into a utensil. Since a woman is there to serve a purpose, it is the will of G‑d that when he is disgusted with this utensil he should remove it from his house. Because of this reason there are some of our Sages who say in Gittin (90a) that even if she burns his food he is able to divorce her i.e., for a trivial matter since she is nothing but a valued utensil in his house. However others Sages say that since she is in G‑d’s form and image and G‑d prepared her for her husband’s needs and honor – with eyes to see and ears to hear and intelligence – it is not right to reject her and send out of his house except for a major reason. This is as the verse says, “Because he found in her ervas davar (something disgusting).” Nevertheless according to all the Sages, if he finds some major problem with her it is correct to divorce her. That is because of the reason I mentioned, that she was only created for his sake. And since she is causing him upset and he is disgusted with her there is no necessity for him to remain with her. The Jewish approach is not that of some of the non-Jews who make a strong binding commitment to marriage that is only ended by death. A man should not be afraid to divorce his wife if she does something repellent and destroys all that is in the house and burns down all of his possessions. However the Torah commands that when she is sent away that it shouldn’t be done by words alone because this can lead to much trouble and immorality in our society. Because a wife who is committing adultery could simply claim that she was already divorced. In addition if divorce is too easy to do then it becomes very common. Consequently the Torah requires that a divorce be based on a written document and that there be witnesses who testify and that all those who claim to be divorced can show it. An additional advantage of a complicated written procedure over an oral agreement is that the delay and effort can cause the man’s anger to dissipate sometimes and he will decide not to divorce his wife and great is peace...

Rashi (Devarim 24:1): Because he found something unseemly in her (ervas davar) – he has a mitzva to divorce her because she does not find favor in his eyes.

Meiri(Gittin 89b): Beis Shammai said that one should not divorce his wife unless he found ervas davar (something disgusting). Beis Hillel said that he can divorce her even if she just ruined the food. In other words she doesn’t make an effort to run the house properly. The general rule for Beis Hillel is that it is grounds for divorce if she is not compliant and does not conduct herself according to what he wants. Rabbi Akiva said that even if he finds someone prettier it is grounds for divorce. In other words even if there is no real reason except that he prefers someone else. The halacha is not in accord with either Rabbi Akiva or Beis Shammai but rather is in accord with Beis Hillel. Nevertheless even if he divorces his wife without any reason – the divorce is valid and it is not reversible. It is only when a woman is raped that we say that the rapist - who is forced to marry her if she wants - can never divorce her all his days. In other words it is only a rapist who is forced to stay married and a divorce that he gives is not valid – unless his wife wants it – but in all other cases the divorce is good and final.