Time Values.
That’s the one thing that always came up when I’d discuss theories on
declining marriage rates or the rise of the hookup culture with my
friends or family.
“Couldn’t it just be that times have changed?” people would ask.
Times have changed, and that is a good thing—especially the
fading-away of cruel taboos that once stigmatized women who engaged in
premarital sex or bore children out of wedlock.
Thing is, times change for a reason. The values question assumes that
sexual mores loosen naturally from conservative to liberal. In reality,
these values have ebbed and flowed throughout history, often in
conjunction with prevailing sex ratios.
Today, mainstream dating guides tell the everything-going-for-her
career woman it’s her fault she’s still single—she just needs to play
hard to get or follow a few simple rules to snag Mr. Right. But the
problem is a demographic one. [...]
It’s not that He’s Just Not That Into You—it’s that There Just Aren’t Enough of Him.
Lopsided gender ratios don’t just make it statistically harder for
college-educated women to find a match. They change behavior too.
According to sociologists, economists and psychologists who have studied
sex ratios throughout history, the culture is less likely to emphasize
courtship and monogamy when women are in oversupply. Heterosexual men
are more likely to play the field, and heterosexual women must compete
for men’s attention. [...]
Secular-style dating is rare in the Orthodox community in which Elefant
lives. Most marriages are loosely arranged—“guided” is probably a better
word—by matchmakers such as Elefant. The shadchan’s job has been made
exceedingly difficult, she said, by a mysterious increase in the number
of unmarried women within the Orthodox community. When Elefant attended
Jewish high school 30 years ago, “there were maybe three girls that
didn’t get married by the time they were twenty or twenty-one,” she
said. “Today, if you look at the girls who graduated five years ago,
there are probably thirty girls who are not yet married. Overall, there
are thousands of unmarried girls in their late twenties. It’s total
chaos.”[...]
The imbalance in the Orthodox marriage market boils down to a
demographic quirk: The Orthodox community has an extremely high birth
rate, and a high birth rate means there will be more 18-year-olds than
19-year-olds, more 19-year-olds than 20-year-olds, and so on and so on.
Couple the increasing number of children born every year with the
traditional age gap at marriage—the typical marriage age for Orthodox
Jews is 19 for women and 22 for men, according to Michael Salamon, a
psychologist who works with the Orthodox community and wrote a book on
the Shidduch Crisis—and you wind up with a marriage market with more
19-year-old women than 22-year-old men. [...]
That is the Shidduch Crisis in a nutshell. Unfortunately, relatively
few Orthodox Jews realize that the Shidduch Crisis boils down to a math
problem. Most explanations for the Shidduch Crisis blame cultural
influences for causing men to delay marriage. “Those of us who’ve tossed
and turned with this, we don’t necessarily
believe that there are more girls than boys,” said Elefant. “We believe
God created everybody, and God created a match for everybody.”
As Elefant saw things, a 22-year-old man inherently has more dating
options than a 19-year-old woman, because he can date down age-wise.
“The guys act like kids in a candy store,” Elefant said. Of course, if
there were gender-ratio balance among all the age cohorts, single
22-year-old men would not have more choices than single 19-year-old
women because most of the age-19-to-22 women would already be married to
older men—thus shrinking 22-year-old men’s dating pool.[...]
In the Orthodox Jewish community, however, there is a natural control
group—one that does make it possible to settle the
culture-versus-demographics debate with near certainty. That control
group is a sect of Orthodox Judaism known as Hasidic Jews. [...]
There is, however, one major cultural difference between the two
groups: Hasidic men marry women their own age, whereas Yeshivish men
typically marry women a three or four years their junior.
“In the Hasidic world, it would be very weird for a man to marry a
woman two years younger than him,” said Alexander Rapaport, a Hasidic
father of six and the executive director of Masbia, a kosher soup
kitchen in Brooklyn. Both Rapaport and his wife were 36 when I
interviewed him.
When I asked Rapaport about the Shidduch Crisis, he seemed perplexed.
“I’ve heard of it,” he said, “but I’m not sure I understand what it’s
all about.”
In fact, there is no Shidduch Crisis in the Hasidic community. “When I
mention the term to Hasidim, they don’t know what I’m talking about,”
said Samuel Heilman, a professor of sociology and Jewish studies at City
University of New York and an expert on Hasidic Jews.[...]
The seeming immunity of Hasidic Jews to the Shidduch Crisis has not
been lost on some Yeshivish rabbis. In 2012, a dozen American and
Israeli Orthodox rabbis signed letters urging young men and their
parents to begin their matchmaking process earlier than age 22 or 23.
The rabbis noted that their community “finds itself in an increasingly
difficult situation,” with “thousands” of single Jewish women struggling
to find husbands. “[I]t has become clear that the primary cause of this
is that [men] generally marry girls who are a number of years younger,”
read one of the letters. “Since the population increases every year and
there are more girls entering shidduchim than boys, many girls are left
unmarried. Clearly, the way to remedy this terrible situation is to
reduce the age disparity in shidduchim. Many [Hasidic] communities who
do not have age disparities in shidduchim are not facing this tragic
situation of numerous unmarried girls.”
The suggestion that the true origin of the Shidduch Crisis lies in
demographics has not sat well with those who staked their reputations on
alternative explanations. “This fancy cocktail of demography,
sociology, mathematics, and mythology is really nothing more than a
Ponzi scheme,” American Rabbi Chananya Weissman wrote in The Jerusalem
Post.[...]
Perhaps the most controversial—and definitely the most misogynistic—
explanation for the Shidduch Crisis was offered up by Yitta Halberstam,
coauthor of the best-selling Small Miracles
series of books. Halberstam’s 2012 column in The Jewish Press started
out innocently enough. “This is the harsh truth,” she wrote. “The
mothers of ‘good boys’ are bombarded with shidduch suggestions on a
daily basis—a veritable barrage of résumés either flooding their fax
machines or pouring out of their email inboxes—while those with
similarly ‘top’ daughters sit with pinched faces anxiously waiting for
the phone to ring. The disparity is bare, bold-faced, and veritably
heartbreaking.”[...]
Here Halberstam went off the rails. She went on to describe attending
a community event where single women were introduced to mothers of
single men—and being “jolted” by the subpar looks of the girls. [...]
In other words, the real reason these young women were still
unmarried was because they were homely. Halberstam then doubled down on
heartlessness, suggesting that a visit to the plastic surgeon might be
in order for some of these Plain Janes: “Mothers, this is my plea to
you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of
cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be
transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an
investment in your daughter’s future, her life.” [...]
Anorexia has become a quiet scourge of the Orthodox Jewish community.
A report on the National Eating Disorders Association website described
the intense pressure that single Orthodox women feel to stay thin
during the matchmaking process. NEDA cited a study by eating disorder
specialist Dr. Ira Sacker, who found that one in nineteen girls in one
Orthodox community had been diagnosed with an eating disorder—a rate 50
percent above the national average.
One cultural by-product of the Shidduch Crisis that has not been
hushed up is the ever-larger dowries that Orthodox brides and their
families are now expected to pay for the privilege of getting married.
These dowries are financial promises made by the bride’s parents to help
support the young family for the three or four or however-long-it-takes
years that their future son-in-law may spend studying at a Jewish
seminary. The fact that these dowries keep increasing demonstrates both
the market power men possess as well as the desperation felt by young
women and their parents. “It was never like this before,” said Salamon.
“There was always a dowry, but it was pillowcases and things of that
nature—not $50,000.”
Salamon noted that the practice of brides’ families paying five- and
six-figure dowries has leached from the traditional Orthodox community
into the more assimilated Modern Orthodox one. Indeed, the Summer 2013
issue of Jewish Action, the official magazine of the Modern Orthodox
umbrella organization Orthodox Union, included an essay by Rabbi
Lawrence Kelemen, a well-known Jewish scholar and lecturer. Kelemen told
the story of his attempt to arrange a marriage for his daughter: “When I
contacted the head of a prestigious American yeshiva [an Orthodox
Jewish seminary] to ask if he might have a shidduch for my daughter, he
asked me ‘what level boy’ I was interested in. Unsure what he meant, I
asked for clarification. ‘Top boys go for $100,000 a year, but we also
have boys for $70,000 a year and even $50,000 a year.’ He said that if I
was ready to make the commitment, he could begin making recommendations
immediately.”
The Orthodox Union’s executive vice president, Rabbi Steven Weil,
told me he believed a backlash to the increasingly outlandish dowries
was brewing. “You don’t marry for money,” Weil said. “This is not our
religion.”
Weil is right, of course. It is not his religion. It is his religion’s demographics.
