Rav M Klein:Criticizes Hanhagos HaBayis (marriage)

Mishneh Halachos (9:311) on Hebrew Books

Review article from Bar Ilan U discussing this teshuva

A devastating critique of a sefer Hanhagos HaBayis (1972) which presented the idea that shalom bayis is solely dependent on the husband and that the wife's behavior is merely an indicator of the husband's spiritual perfection. Rav Klein shows that the Torah sources cited as support for the thesis in fact say just the opposite or are badly distorted by Rabbi Travis. Rav Klein claims that the sefer is a reflection of feminist psychology and explains in detail the errors of the sefer as well as describing the correct view of marriage from Torah sources. The sefer received haskomas from Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky and the Bedatz. The Bar Ilan U review of both the book & Rav  Klein's critiue is I linked to above.

מע"כ החכם המשכיל וכו' הרה"ג ר' צבי דוב טראוויס נ"י מאנסי נ"י. אחדשה"ט בכבוד הראוי לו.

ספרו המכונה הנהגת הבית קבלתי בזמנו ועברתי בו מקופיא ומצאתי בו כמה ענינים שהם לא לפי דעת תורה וההשקפה המקובלת לנו מאבותינו ורבותינו בהנהגת עניני ובניני הבית וגם נגד ההלכה בכמה מקומות האמנם כיון שלא היה אז זמן לעיין יותר אמרתי אולי משגה הוא ולכן לא כתבתי לו שום דבר עד שאתפנה קצת לעיין בו יותר, בינתיים בקרו אצלי כמה בני תורה ומתלמידי הישיבות וסתם בעלי בתים יראי ה' ובקשו ממני לכתוב דעת תורה בענינים אלו שראו בספרו הירוס בחיי המשפחה המקובלת אצלנו, שוב פנו אלי כמה מראשי ישיבות ורבנים ובקשו שאכתוב דעת תורה בענינים אלו כיון שראו בספרו שיכול להזיק ולהכשיל ח"ו בעיקרי התורה וכ"ש לצעירי הצאן אמרתי הגם כי אני טרוד מאד התפניתי לכתוב למע"כ מכתבי זה קצת להודיעו בכמה ענינים שלפענ"ד הם היפוך ההלכה ודעת תורה וההשקפה המקובלת אצל בני ישראל היראים והחרדים לדבר ה' ובהנהגת ביתם זו נשותיהם ולא אוכל להאריך בכל פרט דא"כ הייתי צריך לכתוב ספר חדש אבל מהמיעוט ידון על הכלל כולו ויאמין לי ידידי כי ח"ו אין לי שום כוונה בלתי רצויה כי אינני מכיר את מע"כ ולא דברתי עמו ולא ראיתיו עד הנה ולכן אין לחשדני שיש בזה איזה נגיעה או פגיעה אישית ח"ו לא מיניה ולא מקצתיה אלא למען ה' ותורתו וקדושת וטהרת ישראל וצנועת הבית הנני רואה לחוב להעיר במה שלפענ"ד צריך להעיר ולתקן. ולא פרסמתי הדברים כי חשבתי יותר טוב לכתוב למע"כ ובעצמו יתקן וממילא יהי' בדרך כבוד.

והנה פשוט מאוד שאין לך דבר גדול מלעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו ולא מצינו בכל התורה שהתיר הקדוש ברוך הוא ששמו ימחק אלא כדי לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו והרמב"ן ז"ל בפ' נשא עה"פ ואת כי שטית כתב וטעם ואת כי שטית כי אין בכל משפטי תורה דבר תלוי בנס זולתי הענין הזה שהוא פלא ונס קבוע שיעשה בישראל בהיותם רובם עושים רצונו של מקום כי חפץ למען צדקו ליסר הנשים שלא תעשינה כיתר העמים ולנקות ישראל מן הממזרות שיהיו ראויים להשרות שכינה בתוכם והכלל שהוא נס וכבוד לישראל ע"ש באריכות, ופשוט דהטעם הוא בזה גם כמש"ל כדי לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו ומי שיש בידו לעשות שלום ודאי שכרו מרובה מאד, אמנם אין לוותר בשביל השלום על דרך התורה ודרך דת משה בשביל זה והרי קיי"ל העוברת על דת משה יוציא ויתן כתובה ועיקר השקאת סוטה היתה לברר שלא נטמאה ואם נטמאה קבלה עונשה המגיע לה וכן פשוט דבכל שאר ענינים נמי ח"ו אין לנו לוותר על מצוות וחיובי תורתינו הקדושה ודת משה ומנהגי ישראל בדרכי הצניעות וקדושה בשביל ובכדי לעשות שלום בית ואם האשה או הבעל לא יסכימו לשלום ולדור ביחד רק באופן שהוא או היא יפסיקו לקיים מצוות ה' או דת משה או לשנותם לפי רצונם עליהם אמר הכתוב גרש לץ ויצא מדון ובגמ' כתובות ע"ב חשב במשנה אלו יוצאות שלא בכתובה ואחת העוברת על דת משה ויהודית ונפסק להלכה ברמב"ם פכ"ד מה"א ובש"ע א"ע סי' קט"ו ע"ש באריכות.

שו"ת משנה הלכות חלק ט סימן שיא

והנה עיינתי בספרו הנ"ל ודפדפתי בו וראיתי שרובו ככולו בנוי על שיטות המדעים החילונים הנקרא (סייקאלאדזשי בלע"ז) הגם כי שכל את ידיו בהקדמת הספר וכתב שכל דבריו והיסודות בנויים על פוסקים גמרות מדרשות, אמנם הרואה יראה למעשה אינו כן ואדרבה מתחלתו ועד סופו על פי רוב אם לא על הכלל כולו הוא היפוך דרך המסורה ושיטת חכמי המשנה והתלמוד ראשונים ואחרונים מפרשי התורה ונושאי דגלה וברוב מקומות הוא כותב גם נגד ההלכה המפורשת מבעלי הש"ע ונושאי כליהם, וכ"ש שהוא היפוך מדרכי הצניעות והפרישות והקדושה לפי מה שביארו לנו בזה חכמי האמת בעלי המסורה והקבלה האמתית מפי צדיקי אמת גאונים וחכמים שהם בנויים על תורת אמת על הפסוק קדושים תהיו ודרשו חז"ל קדש עצמך במותר לך שהוא מצות עשה ועיין רמב"ן עה"ת ריש קדושים דיש נבל ברשות התורה מלבד שהרבה דברים הם נגד ההגיון האנושי כאשר דברו אתי גם מבעלי האומנות (סייקאלאדזשי בלע"ז) שאמרו ג"כ שהוא נגד הגיון האנושי אפילו לפי הבנתם. עכ"פ רוב הדברים נבנו על יסוד חכמי האומות הנ"ל והיפוך דעת תורה כאשר אי"ה אבאר להלן.

ובאמת כי כן ראיתי גם בהסכמת ידי"נ הגאון הצדיק המפורסם מרן ר' יעקב קאמינעצקי שליט"א ראש ישיבת תו"ד שכתב וז"ל ואף על פי שאין לי ידיעה בחכמה זו וכו', ודקדקתי מה כוונתו שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו דאם כל דבריו בנויים על חכמת התורה כמבואר בספרים והלא מוחזקני בהגאון הנ"ל שליט"א שהוא בקי בכל חדרי תורה וא"כ מה זה שאמר שאיני בקי בחכמה זו אבל פשוט דבכיון כתב שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו שהיא חכמה שיצאה מבטן אחר ולא חכמת התורה והוא מה שקורין (סייקאלאדזשי) ולכן שפיר כתב שאין לו ידיעה בחכמה זו שהרי לא למד הגאון שליט"א בחכמת האומות ובבתי ספר שלהם, אלא האומר חכמה יש בעכו"ם תאמין ולכן כתב חכמה זו אבל פשוט שאם יש בזה ניגוד לתורתינו הקדושה ח"ו לסמוך עליה ואין להאמין, והגאון שליט"א סמך עצמו על מע"כ שמכירו שכוונתו לטובת הכלל ועוסק בחכמה זו ודאי יעשה כפי הראוי וע"פ התורה וא"כ כיון שלא כתב ע"פ התורה גם הסכמתו אינה כלום. גם בהסכמה שניה שיש לו מהבד"ץ כנראה שלא ראו הספר ועצם הענינים שהרי כתבו הם בהסכמה רק שהוגד להם בשבח שהגיע להם ע"י כתבים אבל לא ראו עצם הענינים אמנם על זה לא אוכל לדון כי לא ידעתי בבירור ולכן לא אחליט עד שיתברר לי. 

Rest of teshuva on Hebrew Books Mishneh Halachos (9:311) on Hebrew Books

Don't feed Internet trolls: Stopping the lynch mob

Time Magazine  It was a bad week for Internet trolls. News of the tragic suicide of 16-year-old Canadian Amanda Todd after an ugly incident of stalking, bullying and blackmail hit just as Reddit’s biggest troll, responsible for numerous highly offensive postings in sections with names like “rape bait,” was finally outed. Both stories involved nonconsensual distribution of sexualized images of young girls. [...]

So why do trolls do what they do? Clearly, we have an Internet culture that enables them [...] For one, trolls benefit from the lack of face-to-face interaction on the Web, which allows them to say outrageous things that would get them ostracized or even beaten if said in the real world. For people who are relatively isolated and feel powerless in their ordinary lives — as Brutsch appears to be — the Net provides a world where they can wield power and influence others.

Unlike most real-world bullies, trolls online can find a large ready-made audience that consistently encourages them, without any negative consequences [...] The anonymity of trolling for trouble on the Internet, however, may bring out a particular type of pathological behavior. In full-fledged psychopathy, there is a physical fearlessness that’s lacking in trolls. “They don’t act up in everyday life because they are frightened of sanctions,” says Dutton. “They’re nasty cowards, but when you get them on the Web, that fearlessness doesn’t matter anymore because there are no consequences. That’s the kind of person being unlocked here.”[...]Like other bullies, trolls also need to get a rise out of their victims if they are to enjoy the interaction. That’s why “don’t feed the trolls” is a constant admonition on many comment boards: their biggest fear is being disregarded and made irrelevant.

Shalom Bayis:Where is source for counseling?

I have just gone through a number of gemoras dealing with the damage that that comes from having a bad wife. Not one of them suggest going to a rav or chachom or even working on the issue. The solution given is simply to get divorced.

Shabbos (11a): All evil is bearable but not a bad wife

Yevamos(63b) Raba said: [If one has] a bad wife it is a meritorious act to divorce her, for it is said, Cast out the scoffer, and contention will go out; yea, strife and shame will cease.  

Yevamos (63b): Raba further stated: A bad wife, the amount of whose kethubah is large, [should be given] a rival at her side; as people say, By her partner rather than by a thorn

 Yevamos (63b): A bad wife is a plague to her husband. What remedy has he? Let him give her a letter of divorce and be healed of his plague 

 The case of erasing G-d's name in the case of Sotah would seem to be a support. However  it seems that the law of Sotah is  unique and not meant to be generalized. 

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My simple therefore question is: What is the source of the shalom bayis with the meaning of counseling.

Why do you need a source for shalom bayis being therapy?

I think it is obvious. The way you respond to strife in marriage reflects what you think marriage is. What you perceive as malfunction in the relationship tells you what marriage is and what this particular marriage is not accomplishing. The apparent Torah description indicates it is simply a type of alliance for the mutual benefit of both parties and society. However modern understanding is that it is the necessary relationship for emotional and psychological needs and therefore a marriage where both sides fulfill their halachic obligations but isn't fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as well as lacking in love - needs to be fixed or ended. Therefore if all the sources dealing with strife in marriage focus on ending conflict - police actions - then there is no concern for love, affection or psychological issues. Consequently one could conclude these issues are not required by the Torah.

Of course one can say that even though they are not the Torah understand are still relevant. That is because the current conceptualization is ais l'asos - that since we are strongly influenced by the non-Jewish culture we need to have love (Hollywood style), fulfillment etc etc - then it would seem to be fine to now be concerned with them. It is simply a pragmatic reality for our times. It doesn't matter on a practical level what happened in the past. We are simply existing in a transient blip in history and we do what we do for the current needs for the members of our society - not what our ancestors 500 years ago did.

However the corollary of viewing this as a transient emergency measure is that we need to be aware of the ideal - when conditions change. Therefore when we get more control and isolate ourselves from the surrounding cultural atmosphere we should be returning to the Torah understanding - the relationship devoid of emotion and psychological fulfillment. Thus the information is for the future - for knowing the ideal so we can return to it.

But there is another approach as to why this question is important. This is the view which is expressed by Rav Tzadok. He holds that the Torah view evolves or progresses for the better. He says we do in fact learn and incorporate ideas from the goyim. Rav Tzadok notes our job is to sanctify these innovations. Therefore the ideal is looking forward and disgarding the past references which are no longer appropriate or allowed. According to this view if a husband insists on following the view of Chazal and Rishonim in this area - he is seriously derelict in his duty. Similarly a wife can't view herself as a baby machine whose job description is described entirely by behavioral requirements and she doesn't need to show love and affection. In other words you can't go back and you fail miserably in Avoda HaShem by trying.

In short this question is a major probe into the essence of what marriage is and what it needs to accomplish. 

Psychological & emotional abuse: A A of Pediatrics

Psychological Maltreatment Published online July 30, 2012 Pediatrics Vol. 130 No. 2 August 1, 2012 pp. 372 -378 (doi: 10.1542/peds.2012-1552)

by Roberta Hibbard, MD,Jane Barlow, DPhil, Harriet MacMillan, MD, andthe Committee on Child Abuse and Neglect and AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CHILD AND ADOLESCENT PSYCHIATRY, Child Maltreatment and Violence Committee

Abstract

Psychological or emotional maltreatment of children may be the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect. Caregiver behaviors include acts of omission (ignoring need for social interactions) or commission (spurning, terrorizing); may be verbal or nonverbal, active or passive, and with or without intent to harm; and negatively affect the child’s cognitive, social, emotional, and/or physical development. Psychological maltreatment has been linked with disorders of attachment, developmental and educational problems, socialization problems, disruptive behavior, and later psychopathology.[...]

Chassidim discover that Shabbos Goy is a Jew

Arutz Sheva The Seret-Vizhnitz Chassidic community in Haifa was shocked to discover this week that the man who for years had served as the local “Sabbath gentile” was in fact Jewish.

The Ladaat website, which revealed the story, reported that the man in question is of Romanian origin and himself believed that he and his entire family were Christian.

He worked for one of the Chassidic community’s institutions, and helped many people by performing activities prohibited to Jews on the Sabbath. A “Sabbath gentile” may assist in certain types of prohibited Sabbath labor.

Rav Gestetner: No need for heter 100 rabbis - minority view?

I posted a letter from Rav Gestetner in July 2012 regarding a dispute between Rav Gestetner and Rav Shlomo Miller. At that time the claim was the Rav Gestetner was out on the fringe etc without support from major poskim. The following was sent me today which seems to give an entirely different picture. If anyone has the original letter from Rav Miller I would like to add it to this post.

Just added two important letters 1) from my brother and 2) a letter from sent by Rav Knopfler of the Bedatz of Lakewood

Daas Torah July 2012 Remarry without heter 100 Rabbonim?

R Golderberger Support Letters

Get Me'usa: Rav Rosenberg

As a consequence of the increasingly large number of gittin that are invalid according to the Torah, and are causing adulterous relations and increasing numbers of mamzerim, we are publicizing the problem in a letter from a beis din which clearly states the halacha

Concerning get me’usa (get which is invalid because of improper pressure on the husband)

It is a clear and unambiguous halacha that a get with is given because of force  - that is not authorized by the Torah – is invalid according the Torah. Therefore a woman who turns with various claims against her husband which are invalid according to the Torah such as monetary claims, maintainance, division of property etc., and in exchange for dropping the demands the husband agrees to giver her a get  - that get is categorized as one that is suspected of being invalid because of unauthorized force as is explained in Piskei Teshuva (E.H. 134:1) based on the Rashbatz. Similarly coercing a get by means of physical force against the husband or threats of imprisonment – also invalidate the get as is explicitly stated in the Rashba (2:240) and other Rishonim.

Therefore a woman who receives an invalid get by means of coercing or threatening the husband - in the manner listed above as well as other similar pressures –  is prohibited to remarry and she needs to receive another get.

Rav Chaim:a nebach apikorus is also an apikorus

Someone asked me today regarding the famous statement of Rav Chaim - did he actually act on it? In other words did he examine witnesses at a chasana as to whether they had correct beliefs. Did he refuse to count an ignoramous in a minyan because of mistaken beliefs. I am aware that it is a machlokess - but l'maaseh - what did Rav Chaim do?

Rav Elchonon Wasserman (Explanations of Agados #2): The view of the Rambam is that a person who believes G‑d is physical is a heretic. The Raavad commented: “There are greater and better people than the Rambam who erred in this issue because of mistakenly accepting the literal meaning of verses and agada.” I heard in the name of Rav Chaim Brisker that the Rambam views that there is no such thing as inadvertent heresy. Irrespective of how a person arrives at a mistaken belief, the fact is that he believes something which is heretical. Furthermore, it is impossible to be a member of the Jewish people without proper faith. Rav Chaim used to say that “a nebach apikorus (mistaken heretic) is also a heretic.”

Boy Scout Files Detail Decades of abuse coverups

NYTimes  In August 1981, the father of three Boy Scouts in western Colorado wrote in deep despair to scouting supervisors: a familiar local scout leader, referred to only as Joe, had sexually abused boys in his troop, including the writer’s own sons, and yet was still being allowed to have contact with boys.

Joe had been spotted at a big scout gathering called a Jamboree, the letter said, wearing a leather name tag like all other scoutmasters. “Your assurances that Joe was out of scouting and would have no further contact with scouting have just become meaningless,” he wrote. “Do you care about my distress over watching Joe insidiously get back?”

Regrets and recriminations about how the Boy Scouts of America have policed the ranks of its scoutmasters and other volunteers to guard against sexual predators — and how they have often failed — echo through the thousands of pages of internal documents, police files and newspaper clippings released here on Thursday after a lengthy court battle. The files were put together over a 20-year period in states across the nation on 1,247 men who were accused of abuse between 1965 and 1985, often with multiple victims. The release of the documents creates, for the first time, a public database on specific abuse accusations.   [See also NBC News ]

Get refuser who cheated with man jailed

ynet  They were married for more than five years, raised two children together, and lived a generally happy life until the woman found out that her husband was cheating on her – with a man.

She caught him in the act, immediately filed for a divorce with the Rabbinate, but the man refused to grant her a "get". On Tuesday, 10 years after the case was opened, the Rabbinical Court sent the man to prison – until he gives in.

The court ruled that the two must divorce, and ordered the man to grant his wife a "get". Despite his refusal, for years the judges failed to use their authority to impose sanctions on him in order to receive his consent for a divorce.

The husband, on his part, tried to extort different kinds of concessions from his wife before he agreed to a divorce, including benefits in child visitation arrangements and giving up on damages he had been ordered to pay.

But even after his requests were granted, the man refused to give his wife a divorce.

Child abuse: When do people actually intervene?

The following statements are true and self-evident as well as being supported by the Torah , research in psychology and correspond to observable facts.

While establishing the theory as to why these statement are true is important - there is greater benefit in simply knowing what to do to increase protection of the children

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Conditions people are more likely to intervene to help victim

1 If the facts are clear.

2 If the consequences for not acting are made extremely clear.

3 If there is a secular penalty (mandated reporting) for not reporting.

4 If the destruction caused to a person by being abused is made clear.

5 If the individual is made personally responsible to prevent harm from abuser.

6 If the Torah mandated obligations for dealing with abuse are unambiguously presented by rabbinic authorities.

7 If rabbis, principals or other leaders of an organizations stop insisting that they must be the gatekeepers - even though they are typically unqualified and incompetent in these matters.

8 If people use seichel rather than hide behind halachic reasoning that has no basis in Shulchan Aruch and poskim.

9 If people establish the facts prior to applying halachic barriers such as claiming there is no reality of abuse unless established by two frum adult males.

10 If the Torah mandated consequences for failure to deal with abuse are unambiguously presented.

11 If the operations of the secular authorities are clear, sensitive and effective in dealing with the problem.

12 If the negative consequences are a minimum to innocent family and community members. 13 If the community no longer tries to destroy those that report abuse. 14 If there is community approval and encouragement to deal with abuse. 15 If it is a member of the family - child or grandchild - who is being abused