A satire about Yerachmiel Lopin of the blog Frum Follies – “Who was that masked man?”

[Of course you shouldn't take seriously anything I say here because I don’t mean anything I write here. Besides Yerachmiel is a good sport and I am suffering from a slow news day.]

Many years ago in the infamous social jungle of Williamsburg Brooklyn – home to many criminals and perverts as well as chassidic rebbes - a baby was born without anybody realizing his awesome significance for Mankind. There were no omens from heaven – such as a violent hurricane - nor were there any indications on earth – such as a rebbe forgetting to ask for a gift for a bracha. Of course this concealment of the earthshaking significance of the event was totally necessary and appropriate because of what we now know regarding the man we know as Yerachmiel Lopin.

As is true of the 36 righteous tzadikim – this baby was a true nistar. He seemed average in every way to his family, friends and teachers. What separated him from the others was his tremendous desire to be somebody. He wanted to have vast power and be recognized for his influence on the course of human events. 

Unfortunately his understanding of morality and right and wrong had been frozen at the level of a 6 year old. He has always viewed everything in black and white terms because he could not understand nuance or the interaction of complex moral factors. This was the result of a singular event that occurred when he was walking with his father in Williamsburg one summer evening. They stepped off the curb in the middle of the block to cross the street. He heard an incredible cry of “gevald from one of the biggest tzadikim in Williamsburg. Yerachmiel was totally shaken to his inner core and suffered post traumatic syndrome from that abusive shout. He and his father jumped back on to the sidewalk where they were sternly lectured about the incredible evil which is released into the world by even seemingly minor crimes such as J-walking. He never recovered from that experience and as a direct result - never advanced to the cognitive and moral understanding of an adult.

As he grew up two major factors dominated his life – 1) he lost interest in Yiddishkeit while retaining a nostalgia for it 2) He developed a great desire to be looked up to and to influence the world. The desire with being a great and important man was unfortunately combined with a fear of being criticized and being hurt. How could he possibly influence the world while remaining vulnerable to be hurt and criticized?

The answer came to him one day when he was secretly watching Superman on his neighbor’s television.  He realized he needed a secret identity like Superman so he adopted a false identity “Yerachmiel Lopin”. Then while he was watching Perry Mason the next day, he learned that if he was careful with his vocabulary he was safe from lawsuits. He learned that one should always say “This is just a satire”, “It is alleged”, “some people claim” , "if  despite strong evidence to the contrary X happened" or “it can be inferred that”. He also learned that one should always hide behind authorities by citing them or attributing his understanding to an authority - even though these authorities never said what he claimed. Thus, “it says in Shulchan Aruch” or “Mary Murphy 18 time Emmy winner alleged” [a really good expression because it combined “alleged” with “an authority”. Finally he discovered - that in America – most of what is published on a blog is safe from lawsuits and that became the medium for communicating with the world. He was now almost invincible.

Besides having a childlike black and white view of morality, he had trouble empathizing and understanding people who disagreed with him. After all Truth is Truth. Besides he didn’t have a good opinion of anybody who disagreed because after all since his opinion was right – the other side was obviously wrong. It was also important to his black and white self-image – to largely avoid acknowledging he had made a mistake. Besides a good offense is the best defense. 

The only think lacking in his grandiose, messianic vision was that he didn’t have a cause. He – as an avid admirer of Don Quixote - desperately needed a cause. At least some windmills to fight. He tried on various causes, being good to the environment, all men are brothers, feminism and even for a while became a baal teshuva. However nothing gave him the needed charge of self-righteous and galvanized his hidden powers until he discovered the cause of “Child Abuse and the great Orthodox Cover-up.”

The rest is history as he became one of the most famous and influential accusers and allegers of child abuse. He needed very little evidence to accuse someone. It helped if the person had at least one accuser who was reported the allegations to the police or to a newspaper. Once he had an allegation, his super powers of imagination and prose were activated and he just poured out an incredibly creative tale – usually with very little substance – to nail that “bastard.” He started a blog “frum follies” which provided him with additional protection against lawsuit and having to deal with facts. Of course he also pointed out that he was using satire – so he could make words mean anything he wanted.

Finally we can understand his Oedipal complex. Ultimately this crusade against abuse and his secret identity using the magic words of “it is alleged” or “Mary Murphy says” - enabled him to bash the rabbis that he despised and against whom he wanted vengeance for making him feel inadequate. Every rabbi he made squirm, declared to be a hypocrite or phony – or better yet insulted – gave him a tremendous feeling of power that he craved. Of course he hid behind the cover of a crusader for the victims and his concern for the absolute truth. But since this is satire – we know the truth.