Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Time-Out or Time-In by Allan Katz
Allan Katz
Time-outs
are a popular discipline tool as they can be implemented
immediately and can be over in a couple of minutes. Time-outs are
described as
'Punishment Lite' .They are less destructive than other punishments
such as
spanking. The term is derived from 'time-out from positive
reinforcements'
techniques used with animals and the idea is that we use love withdrawal
or not
give attention when the child is misbehaving. Kids are rewarded with
attention ,love and connection when they behave and don't get the love ,
connection and attention when they misbehave. The down side is that
kids feel their parents' love
is conditional on how they behave, they are shown less love, feel
abandoned, rejected and confused. For parents the word time-out is
easier to
swallow than forced solitary confinement, which is what actually happens
when a
kid is banished to his room. The idea is that kids should also use this
time
and reflect on what they did and how it impacted on others.
There seems to be a basis for ' forced solitary confinement from
this week's portion-parasha Tazria. The person = Metzorah sinned by speaking
badly about other people and as a result of his 'lashon ha'ra = evil speech, he
developed a skin disease erroneously called leprosy. He was removed from people
and put into solitary confinement. He would be able then to appreciate the
importance of other people family, friends and community in giving him 'life'
and how destructive and divisive his actions were to interpersonal relations
and people. In fact the Metzrorah who
has the disease and is in solitary confinement is considered as having no life
and as if he were dead. This is not because of his suffering due to the disease
says Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz, but due to him being in solitary confinement. Reb
Isaac Sher explains that the disease = Tzara'at is only visiteupon righteous
people who had sinned. Without sin, their skins shone as if the divine presence
was reflected in them. But when they sinned the divine presence left them and
their skins lost their brightness and developed spots and marks. Fools and
wicked people were not on the highest levels so they could be subject to this type
of divine intervention. Also in solitary
confinement these people would just feel sorry for themselves , and not reflect on how
their actions impacted on others and then repent.
When kids are forced to do '
time-outs the last thing they do is reflect on what they did and feel sorry for
others or a sibling. The now feel sorry for themselves, think their parents are
mean and plan to get revenge against his
brother. In any case the focus is now on complying with the time-out and on the
'mean' parent and not on the problem that gave rise to the time-out. This leads
to power struggles , kids running away when they hear the word time-out, or
keep on asking if they can get up, and worst of all because parents find
themselves using time-outs repeatedly and often for the same offence. When
time-outs don't work parents find themselves doing moretime-outs and more harsh versions
of the same thing.
Instead parents trying to feel in
control parents should aim for ' connection' and cooperation. They should be
pro-active and 'not in the moment' try to collaboratively solve problems that
are predictably giving rise to challenging behavior. And even' in the moment',
instead of threatening a kid with a time-out, they can do a 'time –in ' and ask
what's going on and remind the kid that what he does has an impact on other people,
explain that some ways of acting are just unacceptable and then try to solve
the problem where kids are likely to feel that their needs are being considered.
Parents can also use time -in to empathize with a kid's feelings, helping them to process their
feelings which all maybe needed to help the storm pass over. We could also suggest
another activity and with toddlers try to distract or redirect them. [...]
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Today’s Girls Love Pink Bows as Playthings, but These Shoot
NY Times Once upon a time, Grace Maher twirled around the house in Disney princess costumes, a vision of sequins, tiaras and pink.
She’s 8 now and done with all that. The only pink left is her new bow and arrow.
That
would be her Nerf Rebelle Heartbreaker Exclusive Golden Edge Bow by
Hasbro, a petunia-colored weapon with gold and white trim that shoots
colorful foam darts. Forget Ariel, the beautiful mermaid princess.
Grace’s new role model is Katniss Everdeen, the (also beautiful)
huntress/survivor in the “Hunger Games” trilogy of books and movies.
Heroines
for young girls are rapidly changing, and the toy industry — long adept
at capitalizing on gender stereotypes — is scrambling to catch up.
Toy
makers have begun marketing a more aggressive line of playthings and
weaponry for girls — inspired by a succession of female warrior heroes
like Katniss, the Black Widow of “The Avengers,” Merida of “Brave” and
now, Tris of the book and new movie “Divergent” — even as the industry
still clings to every shade of pink. [...]
Yosef Kolko pidyon shvuyim fund in Lakewood
http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/10/kolko-gets-15-years-after-judge-rejects.html
http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/05/yosef-kolko-pleads-guilty-to-charges.html
http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2012/06/yehuda-kolko-faces-13-year-old-accuser.html
update
Reb Daniel,
I'm sorry to report, that apparently your blog is not widely read in Lakewood...
Even after you published that the פדיון שבוים is for Kolko, the sign is still up in two shuls that I visited over Shabbos!?!
I'm not sure what should be done next, but there is one thing I'm sure about. If these signs are allowed to linger for a while, the oilam will get used to seeing them. After a few weeks they will subtly add Kolkos name, thereby establishing that "he didn't commit a crime" as the communities conclusion!!! (Nobody came to empty the boxes, which can be attributed to incompetence. I'm afraid however, that they are leaving them out there for the PR campaign, which is far more valuable in the long run then the few dollars in the box.)
I'm sorry to report, that apparently your blog is not widely read in Lakewood...
Even after you published that the פדיון שבוים is for Kolko, the sign is still up in two shuls that I visited over Shabbos!?!
I'm not sure what should be done next, but there is one thing I'm sure about. If these signs are allowed to linger for a while, the oilam will get used to seeing them. After a few weeks they will subtly add Kolkos name, thereby establishing that "he didn't commit a crime" as the communities conclusion!!! (Nobody came to empty the boxes, which can be attributed to incompetence. I'm afraid however, that they are leaving them out there for the PR campaign, which is far more valuable in the long run then the few dollars in the box.)
Schlesinger Twins: Is Dr. Schlesinger concerned about the welfare of his kids?
Dear All, May 11, 2012
As you know Mr Schlesinger cancelled my visit on Thursday because the children had a dentist appointment. I asked for a substitute visit to take place this Sunday. The visiting centre wrote me an email today lo inform me that Mr Schlesinger has refused a substitute visit this Sunday or at any other time.
The woman in charge informed me that Benji had an operation on his teeth but did not have any removed. She wrote that he developed a fever last night and there is no way he will be well enough to see me, his mother, on Sunday. No mention was made of Sammy's welfare but I have been denied access to him too.
lt is horrific that I had to be informed by a total stranger - after the event - that my child had an operation (the same thing happened when Sammy's 4 teeth were removed). I have no idea what Benji's operation was for. Not only did Mr Schlesinger not think it appropriate to inform me, as the child's mother about such a major incident in his life, but he has denied this poor young boy, not yet 3 years old, access to his mother during and after such a traumatic event.
When the children lived with me and I had to take them to hospital when they were ill, [ immediately called Mr Schlesinger to tell him and said that, as their father, of course he could come to the hospital to see them, which he did.
Just before Pesach this year, I went in desperation to the Child Welfare Agency in Vienna to beg them to help. The head of the Agency agreed that this situation is intolerable for the children and said we must both go Lo mediation to find a way of communicating with one another for the sake of the children. 1 immediately accepted this offer as I was willing to try everything possible to improve the situation.
I have already attempted communication with the children's father many times via email, and text messages but he just ignores me. When the children lived with met even suggested that we take them to the park together but he refused.
The head of the Agency made separate appointments for each of us with an independent mediator, under a free service offered by the government. I kept my appointment but Mr Schlesinger did not, even though he had agreed with her in a telephone conversation that he would attend. He sent a letter to the Agency to say that he had changed his mind as he did not consider the mediator to be 'qualified enough.' He suggested his own private mediator, which was a family run business of mediators/ lawyers and there would be significant costs involved.
The qualifications of his proposed mediator did not appear to be any better than the mediator I went to who has had over 20 years experience in family counselling and has a well respected position working for the State.
Shabbat Shalom and best wishes,
Beth Schlesinger
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Lonna Kin Divorce: Unwilling to Allow His Wife a Divorce, He Marries Another
NY Times The wedding was a modest affair, held in a reception hall overlooking an
artificial lake tucked behind a suburban strip. But just minutes after
it ended, the bride and groom hurriedly scurried past dozens of
protesters here who were chanting “Bigamist!” and “Shame on you!” [...]
Meir Kin, the new husband, has been divorced for more than seven years,
under California’s civil law. But he has refused to give his previous
wife the document known as a “get,” as required by Orthodox Jewish law
to end a marriage. In the eyes of religious authorities, the woman he
married in 2000 is what is called an agunah — Hebrew for chained wife.
Without the get, the woman, Lonna Kin, is forbidden under Jewish law to
remarry. [...]
Ms. Kin, who runs a real estate company, and her supporters
say that Mr. Kin, a physician assistant, is demanding $500,000 and full
custody of their 12-year-old son in exchange for the divorce. And they
cast doubt on whether he really has the support of 100 rabbis. Reached
at his Las Vegas home on Thursday, as a photographer took pictures of
him and his bride in the driveway, Mr. Kin declined to comment. [...]
Instead, Mr. Kin, who in recent years moved to Las Vegas, has repeatedly
insisted that Ms. Kin agree to binding arbitration from one particular
religious court based in Monsey that is controversial and has been
widely denounced by rabbinical authorities in the United States and
Israel. Several leading rabbis, including the chief rabbinical office of
Israel, have said they would not accept a divorce document signed by
this particular court. Mr. Kin has said that the head of the beit din,
Rabbi Tzvi Dov Abraham of Monsey, granted him dispensation to marry
again. [....]
Mr. Kin, according to several members of the small Las Vegas Orthodox
community, has worshiped at two synagogues affiliated with the
Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidic movement, which is known for welcoming a broad
array of Jews. The rabbis at those synagogues do not count him toward a
quorum needed for prayer because of the controversy over his divorce
case, but they have declined to publicly rebuke him or force him out,
according to Rabbi Shea Harlig, the head of Chabad of southern Nevada.[...]
New Drugs May Transform Down Syndrome
Scientific American People born with Down syndrome have always been considered to be
incurably developmentally delayed—until now. In the past few years a
number of laboratories have uncovered critical drug targets within
disabled chemical pathways in the brain that might be restored with
medication. At least two clinical trials are currently studying the
effects of such treatments on people with Down syndrome. Now geneticist
Roger Reeves of Johns Hopkins University may have stumbled on another
drug target—this one with the potential to correct the learning and
memory deficits so central to the condition.[...]
Reeves's team injected newborn Down mice with a chemical that stimulates
an important neurodevelopmental pathway that, among other things,
orchestrates cerebellum growth. “We were not in fact surprised that we
fixed the cerebellum. That was our working hypothesis,” Reeves says. Yet
he had not anticipated that three months after treatment the mice with a
restored cerebellum would be able to learn their way around a water
maze—a function of learning and memory thought to be controlled by
another part of the brain, the hippocampus. The researchers do not yet
know whether they inadvertently repaired the hippocampus or whether the
cerebellum might be responsible for more learning and memory functions
than previously realized.
In fact, other investigational treatments for Down syndrome target the
hippocampus—but none target this particular chemical pathway. Reeves's
study, published recently in Science Translational Medicine, may
point to a pharmaceutical intervention that could allow those with Down
syndrome to live more independent lives. “The possibility of actually
giving Down syndrome people the ability to improve learning and memory
significantly—that's something I never thought I'd see in my entire
career,” he says. “And it's now happening. The game has changed.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Schlesinger Twins: The Vienna community suffers from deafness and a stone heart
Over the past 3 years, the inboxes of the leaders of the Viennese
Jewish community have been flooded with emails of requests and emotional
pleas to intervene to help relieve the continued suffering of Samuel
and Benjamin. And yet the so-called leaders continue to bury their heads
and refuse to take responsibility for this tragedy happening on their
doorsteps while the rest of the world looks on in horror and disbelief,
desperately doing all they can to help.
With the writers’ permission to publish them, here are two of the most significant letters that fell on deaf ears:
===================================================
From: Jonathan Arkush
Date: Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 6:47 PM
Subject: Alexander custody decision
To: Beth Alexander; Rabbi Schlomo Hofmeister; Chief Rabbi Paul Eisenberg ; Raimund Fastenbauer; Ariel Muzicant; Oskar Deutsch
Cc: “‘President’ of British Board of Deputies“
Date: Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 6:47 PM
Subject: Alexander custody decision
To: Beth Alexander; Rabbi Schlomo Hofmeister; Chief Rabbi Paul Eisenberg ; Raimund Fastenbauer; Ariel Muzicant; Oskar Deutsch
Cc: “‘President’ of British Board of Deputies“
Dear Colleagues and Rabbonim,
I am deeply troubled by the judgment, having been given its key
points by a German speaking relative who read the full decision. While I
am an English rather than an Austrian lawyer, I do not believe our
family law in this area to be dissimilar. I continue to be at a loss to
understand why the Court did not take as its starting position that the
custody of young children should be with their mother.
As I understand matters, the Court stated in the judgment that it
disregarded all suggestions made by the father that the mother was
suffering from any mental illness or should be unfit in any other way.
The basis of the decision was simply that, after two years in the
father’s custody, it was in their best interests that this continued.
This seems to me to be a very inadequate foundation for the decision
that leaves these young children in the custody of the father, which in
effect means child-minders for much of the day, and the mother with such
restricted access. The position is made worse by the father’s tendency
to cancel access visits by the mother.
I hope that I have not misrepresented the Court’s decision, as I have not yet seen a full translation.
I would like to express on behalf of the British Jewish community
deep disquiet and strong reservations about this latest decision.
May I ask my colleagues who lead the Jewish community of Austria to
make any suggestions as to what might be done to bring this deeply
regrettable state of affairs to a just conclusion?
I realise that the Court has made a decision, but is it too late even
at this stage to persuade the father to agree to a community-supported
mediation ? I can assure you that we in England would do all in our
power to assist the process if such mediation could be arranged.
With cordial regards
Jonathan Arkush Jonathan Arkush
Vice President
Board of Deputies of British Jews
Vice President
Board of Deputies of British Jews
========================================
From: Rabbi Jonathan Guttentag
Sent: 10 June 2012 22:42
To: Chief Rabbi Eisenberg,Rabbi Josef Pardes, Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman
Cc: Mag Raimund Fastenbauer (Secretary General of Board of Jewish Community Vienna)
Subject: Beth nee Alexander
Sent: 10 June 2012 22:42
To: Chief Rabbi Eisenberg,Rabbi Josef Pardes, Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman
Cc: Mag Raimund Fastenbauer (Secretary General of Board of Jewish Community Vienna)
Subject: Beth nee Alexander
בס’ד
נחום נתן גוטנטג
רב דק”ק ווייטפילד
Rabbi Jonathan Guttentag
Whitefield, Manchester
M45 7PD
UK
M45 7PD
UK
10th June 2012
20th Sivan 5772
20th Sivan 5772
Chief Rabbi Chaim Eisenberg
Rabbi Yosef Pardes
Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman
Rabbi Yosef Pardes
Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman
Vienna
Kvod Harabbonim hachashuvim shlita
Please pardon me for intervening like this from the outside, but as
you know the case of Beth nee Alexander formerly of Manchester is
causing anxiety.
From our perspective we can see a young lady living far away from her
parents and family, having gone to get married in a foreign country and
community, with that marriage broken down, now deprived of custody of
and access to her children. She finds herself now set against a former
spouse who has the advantage of local family support, natural community
affinity, and knowledge of the civic law situation. Through the
involvement of the civil authorities the mother has lost custody of her
children and is now being deprived of access to them.
It would appear that justification is being made for this situation,
based inter alia on some allegations that there is mental health problem
with Beth or her family.
To an outsider these sound like biased accusations that would tend to
get made in aggravated break down of a marriage. But they are simply
not fair nor just. My wife taught Beth at Yavneh Girls High school in
Manchester . She remembers her as a kindly, quiet and very fine student.
Family Alexander in Manchester is a family with a good name for
solidity and communal involvement. I believe that it is simply an
unworthy slur for Beth and her family to be characterised in a manner
that I understand that they are being portrayed, and most unfair. There
are always two sides in any situation, and one would expect a kehilla
and its leadership to ensure that reasonably fair play is being
maintained. From what it appears in this situation, however, and for
whatever reason, there is an unfairness and an injustice being
perpetrated against Beth, a single woman in a foreign country, without
proper support – pitted against a family, in a community with all the
connections naturally available to them.
I believe that you as the rabbinic leadership of the Vienna kehilla
have it within your power to provide fairness to the situation and
relief to Beth and her family. I write to you collectively dear honoured
rabbonim, to appeal to you – please do that which is in your power to
have this matter sorted in a manner which will reflect fairness and
justice and uphold the good name of the esteemed Vienna kehilla.
The hanhogo of a kehilla is in the joint hands of rabbonim and baaley
battim, and for that reason you will I am sure agree that it is correct
and appropriate for me to write at the same time to the lay leadership
of the kehilla, which as you can I have done.
With many thanks
Bevirkos kol tov
Jonathan Guttentag
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Chasam Sofer: Seek truth - don't be concerned to please others and win their approval
Rabbi Simcha Friedman (Emunat Hakhmim in Tradition 27:4): ... I model myself upon what I have learned from R. Moshe Sofer in a responsum written after R. Zevi Hirsch Chajes had presented him with a copy of his book, Torat ha-Nevi'im. In his introduction, R. Chajes expressed the fear that critics will reproach him with the argument that he had innovated nothing new, and therefore there seemed no purpose in his writing what he did. The Hatam Sofer, however, encouraged him to publish his book, for his intention is to increase Torah knowledge. He found support for his position in an incident involving R. Abba (Beitzah 38a-b). Prior to his aliyah to the Land of Israel, R. Abba uttered the prayer: "May it be Thy will that I say things which are acceptable to the Sages of the Land of Israel. " The Talmud explains, however, that his prayer went unanswered, for during course of a certain encounter in a bet midrash in Israel, R. Abba was ridiculed for a particular proof he had brought. The Hatam Sofer drew a comparison between R. Abba's prayer which went unanswered and a similar prayer of R. Nehunya ben ha-Kanah (Berakhot 28b), who also requested, prior to teaching Torah, that he not stumble in matters of halakhah and that felIow scholars rejoice in him and which was granted. The Hatam Sofer exlained the difference between the two in the fact that R. Abba sought to find favor on the part of those who would hear him and was therefore unsuccessful, while R. Nehunya ben Ha-Kanah prayed simply to be guided toward the truth of the halacha, but was not concerned with the approval of his listeners – and therefore succeeded. The Hatam Sofer inferred from this that as long as the intention of the disputants is to determine the truth of their views, there is a chance that each side will act with intellectual honesty in order to clarify the matter. However, once their aim is purely to convince the other party of the validity of their position, the desire to win the argument is likely to result in the lack of objective judtgment and therefore they will be unsuccessful.[Chasam Sofer #208]
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Schlesinger Twins: Why am I reminded of the Emperor's new clothes?
Wikipedia. The phrase "emperor's new clothes" has become an idiom about logical fallacies.[28] The story may be explained by pluralistic ignorance.[29]
The story is about a situation where "no one believes, but everyone
believes that everyone else believes. Or alternatively, everyone is
ignorant to whether the Emperor has clothes on or not, but believes that
everyone else is not ignorant."[30]
Monday, March 17, 2014
How Science Mimics Faith
Scientific American Religion provides a sense of meaning and comfort for believers, and
studies show that such beliefs intensify during threatening situations.
Now research suggests that some people's faith in science may serve the
same role.
Miguel Farias and other researchers at the University of Oxford and
Yale University investigated whether it is belief in religion that is
beneficial or in fact any belief about the world's order and our place
in it. In two related experiments published in November 2013 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology,
the scientists developed a scale to measure belief in science—the view
that scientific inquiry offers a superior guide to reality. As expected,
belief in science was inversely correlated with religious beliefs. Next
the researchers assessed whether belief in science increased in
threatening situations.. [...]
“It is likely that some people use their ideas about science to make
sense of the world and for emotional compensation in difficult
situations in the same way that religious people use their supernatural
beliefs,” Farias says. “Our findings suggest that it may be belief
itself, regardless of its content, that helps people deal with adverse
situations.”
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