Time-Out or Time-In by Allan Katz

Allan Katz    Time-outs are a popular discipline tool as they can be implemented immediately and can be over in a couple of minutes. Time-outs are described as 'Punishment Lite' .They are  less destructive than other punishments such as spanking. The term is derived from 'time-out from positive reinforcements' techniques used with animals and the idea is that we use love withdrawal or not give attention when the child is misbehaving. Kids are rewarded with attention ,love and connection when they behave and don't get the love , connection and attention when they misbehave. The down side is that kids  feel their parents' love is conditional on how they behave, they are shown less love,  feel abandoned, rejected and confused. For parents the word time-out is easier to swallow than forced solitary confinement, which is what actually happens   when a kid is banished to his room. The idea is that kids should also use this time and reflect on what they did and how it impacted on others.

There seems to be a basis for ' forced solitary confinement from this week's portion-parasha Tazria. The person = Metzorah sinned by speaking badly about other people and as a result of his 'lashon ha'ra = evil speech, he developed a skin disease erroneously called leprosy. He was removed from people and put into solitary confinement. He would be able then to appreciate the importance of other people family, friends and community in giving him  'life' and how destructive and divisive his actions were to interpersonal relations and people.  In fact the Metzrorah who has the disease and is in solitary confinement is considered as having no life and as if he were dead. This is not because of his suffering due to the disease says Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz, but due to him being in solitary confinement. Reb Isaac Sher explains that the disease = Tzara'at is only visiteupon  righteous people who had sinned. Without sin, their skins shone as if the divine presence was reflected in them. But when they sinned the divine presence left them and their skins lost their brightness and developed spots and marks. Fools and wicked people were not on the highest levels so they could be subject to this type of   divine intervention. Also in solitary confinement these people would just feel sorry for themselves , and not reflect on how their actions impacted on others and then repent.

When kids are forced to do ' time-outs the last thing they do is reflect on what they did and feel sorry for others or a sibling. The now feel sorry for themselves, think their parents are mean and plan to get revenge against  his brother. In any case the focus is now on complying with the time-out and on the 'mean' parent and not on the problem that gave rise to the time-out. This leads to power struggles , kids running away when they hear the word time-out, or keep on asking if they can get up, and worst of all because parents find themselves using time-outs repeatedly and often for the same offence. When time-outs don't work parents find themselves doing moretime-outs  and more harsh versions of the same thing.

Instead parents trying to feel in control parents should aim for ' connection' and cooperation. They should be pro-active and 'not in the moment'  try to collaboratively solve problems that are predictably giving rise to challenging behavior. And even' in the moment', instead of threatening a kid with a time-out, they can do a 'time –in ' and ask what's going on and remind the kid that what he does has an impact on other people, explain that some ways of acting are just unacceptable and then try to solve the problem where kids are likely to feel that their needs are being considered. Parents can also use time -in to  empathize with a kid's feelings, helping them to process their feelings which all maybe needed to help the storm pass over. We could also suggest another activity and with toddlers try to distract or redirect them. [...]

Today’s Girls Love Pink Bows as Playthings, but These Shoot

NY Times    Once upon a time, Grace Maher twirled around the house in Disney princess costumes, a vision of sequins, tiaras and pink.

She’s 8 now and done with all that. The only pink left is her new bow and arrow.

That would be her Nerf Rebelle Heartbreaker Exclusive Golden Edge Bow by Hasbro, a petunia-colored weapon with gold and white trim that shoots colorful foam darts. Forget Ariel, the beautiful mermaid princess. Grace’s new role model is Katniss Everdeen, the (also beautiful) huntress/survivor in the “Hunger Games” trilogy of books and movies.

Heroines for young girls are rapidly changing, and the toy industry — long adept at capitalizing on gender stereotypes — is scrambling to catch up.

Toy makers have begun marketing a more aggressive line of playthings and weaponry for girls — inspired by a succession of female warrior heroes like Katniss, the Black Widow of “The Avengers,” Merida of “Brave” and now, Tris of the book and new movie “Divergent” — even as the industry still clings to every shade of pink. [...]

Yosef Kolko pidyon shvuyim fund in Lakewood

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/10/kolko-gets-15-years-after-judge-rejects.html

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/05/yosef-kolko-pleads-guilty-to-charges.html

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2012/06/yehuda-kolko-faces-13-year-old-accuser.html

update

Reb Daniel,

I'm sorry to report, that apparently your blog is not widely read in Lakewood...

Even after you published that the פדיון שבוים is for Kolko, the sign is still up in two shuls that I visited over Shabbos!?!

I'm not sure what should be done next, but there is one thing I'm sure about. If these signs are allowed to linger for a while, the oilam will get used to seeing them. After a few weeks they will subtly add Kolkos name, thereby establishing that "he didn't commit a crime" as the communities conclusion!!! (Nobody came to empty the boxes, which can be attributed to incompetence. I'm afraid however, that they are leaving them out there for the PR campaign, which is far more valuable in the long run then the few dollars in the box.)

Schlesinger Twins: Is Dr. Schlesinger concerned about the welfare of his kids?

Dear All,                                                                                 May 11, 2012

As you know Mr Schlesinger cancelled my visit on Thursday because the children had a dentist appointment. I asked for a substitute visit to take place this Sunday. The visiting centre wrote me an email today lo inform me that Mr Schlesinger has refused a substitute visit this Sunday or at any other time.

The woman in charge informed me that Benji had an operation on his teeth but did not have any removed. She wrote that he developed a fever last night and there is no way he will be well enough to see me, his mother, on Sunday. No mention was made of Sammy's welfare but I have been denied access to him too.

lt is horrific that I had to be informed by a total stranger - after the event - that my child had an operation (the same thing happened when Sammy's 4 teeth were removed). I have no idea what Benji's operation was for. Not only did Mr Schlesinger not think it appropriate to inform me, as the child's mother about such a major incident in his life, but he has denied this poor young boy, not yet 3 years old, access to his mother during and after such a traumatic event.

When the children lived with me and I had to take them to hospital when they were ill, [ immediately called Mr Schlesinger to tell him and said that, as their father, of course he could come to the hospital to see them, which he did.

Just before Pesach this year, I went in desperation to the Child Welfare Agency in Vienna to beg them to help. The head of the Agency agreed that this situation is intolerable for the children and said we must both go Lo mediation to find a way of communicating with one another for the sake of the children. 1 immediately accepted this offer as I was willing to try everything possible to improve the situation.

I have already attempted communication with the children's father many times via email, and text messages but he just ignores me. When the children lived with met even suggested that we take them to the park together but he refused.

The head of the Agency made separate appointments for each of us with an independent mediator, under a free service offered by the government. I kept my appointment but Mr Schlesinger did not, even though he had agreed with her in a telephone conversation that he would attend. He sent a letter to the Agency to say that he had changed his mind as he did not consider the mediator to be 'qualified enough.' He suggested his own private mediator, which was a family run business of mediators/ lawyers and there would be significant costs involved.

The qualifications of his proposed mediator did not appear to be any better than the mediator I went to who has had over 20 years experience in family counselling and has a well respected position working for the State.

Shabbat Shalom and best wishes,

Beth Schlesinger

Steven Pinker & Rebecca Goldstein: The long reach of reason

Lonna Kin Divorce: Unwilling to Allow His Wife a Divorce, He Marries Another

NY Times   The wedding was a modest affair, held in a reception hall overlooking an artificial lake tucked behind a suburban strip. But just minutes after it ended, the bride and groom hurriedly scurried past dozens of protesters here who were chanting “Bigamist!” and “Shame on you!” [...]

Meir Kin, the new husband, has been divorced for more than seven years, under California’s civil law. But he has refused to give his previous wife the document known as a “get,” as required by Orthodox Jewish law to end a marriage. In the eyes of religious authorities, the woman he married in 2000 is what is called an agunah — Hebrew for chained wife. Without the get, the woman, Lonna Kin, is forbidden under Jewish law to remarry. [...]

Ms. Kin, who runs a real estate company, and her supporters say that Mr. Kin, a physician assistant, is demanding $500,000 and full custody of their 12-year-old son in exchange for the divorce. And they cast doubt on whether he really has the support of 100 rabbis. Reached at his Las Vegas home on Thursday, as a photographer took pictures of him and his bride in the driveway, Mr. Kin declined to comment. [...]

Instead, Mr. Kin, who in recent years moved to Las Vegas, has repeatedly insisted that Ms. Kin agree to binding arbitration from one particular religious court based in Monsey that is controversial and has been widely denounced by rabbinical authorities in the United States and Israel. Several leading rabbis, including the chief rabbinical office of Israel, have said they would not accept a divorce document signed by this particular court. Mr. Kin has said that the head of the beit din, Rabbi Tzvi Dov Abraham of Monsey, granted him dispensation to marry again. [....]

Mr. Kin, according to several members of the small Las Vegas Orthodox community, has worshiped at two synagogues affiliated with the Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidic movement, which is known for welcoming a broad array of Jews. The rabbis at those synagogues do not count him toward a quorum needed for prayer because of the controversy over his divorce case, but they have declined to publicly rebuke him or force him out, according to Rabbi Shea Harlig, the head of Chabad of southern Nevada.[...]

New Drugs May Transform Down Syndrome

Scientific American   People born with Down syndrome have always been considered to be incurably developmentally delayed—until now. In the past few years a number of laboratories have uncovered critical drug targets within disabled chemical pathways in the brain that might be restored with medication. At least two clinical trials are currently studying the effects of such treatments on people with Down syndrome. Now geneticist Roger Reeves of Johns Hopkins University may have stumbled on another drug target—this one with the potential to correct the learning and memory deficits so central to the condition.[...]

Reeves's team injected newborn Down mice with a chemical that stimulates an important neurodevelopmental pathway that, among other things, orchestrates cerebellum growth. “We were not in fact surprised that we fixed the cerebellum. That was our working hypothesis,” Reeves says. Yet he had not anticipated that three months after treatment the mice with a restored cerebellum would be able to learn their way around a water maze—a function of learning and memory thought to be controlled by another part of the brain, the hippocampus. The researchers do not yet know whether they inadvertently repaired the hippocampus or whether the cerebellum might be responsible for more learning and memory functions than previously realized.

In fact, other investigational treatments for Down syndrome target the hippocampus—but none target this particular chemical pathway. Reeves's study, published recently in Science Translational Medicine, may point to a pharmaceutical intervention that could allow those with Down syndrome to live more independent lives. “The possibility of actually giving Down syndrome people the ability to improve learning and memory significantly—that's something I never thought I'd see in my entire career,” he says. “And it's now happening. The game has changed.

Schlesinger Twins: The Vienna community suffers from deafness and a stone heart

Help Beth writes

Over the past 3 years, the inboxes of the leaders of the Viennese Jewish community have been flooded with emails of requests and emotional pleas to intervene to help relieve the continued suffering of Samuel and Benjamin. And yet the so-called leaders continue to bury their heads and refuse to take responsibility for this tragedy happening on their doorsteps while the rest of the world looks on in horror and disbelief, desperately doing all they can to help.

With the writers’ permission to publish them, here are two of the most significant letters that fell on deaf ears:

===================================================

From: Jonathan Arkush
Date: Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 6:47 PM
Subject: Alexander custody decision
To: Beth Alexander; Rabbi Schlomo Hofmeister; Chief Rabbi Paul Eisenberg ; Raimund Fastenbauer; Ariel Muzicant; Oskar Deutsch
Cc: “‘President’ of British Board of Deputies“

 Dear Colleagues and Rabbonim,

I am deeply troubled by the judgment, having been given its key points by a German speaking relative who read the full decision.  While I am an English rather than an Austrian lawyer, I do not believe our family law in this area to be dissimilar.  I continue to be at a loss to understand why the Court did not take as its starting position that the custody of young children should be with their mother.

As I understand matters, the Court stated in the judgment that it disregarded all suggestions made by the father that the mother was suffering from any mental  illness or should be unfit in any other way.  The basis of the decision was simply that, after two years in the father’s custody, it was in their best interests that this continued.  This seems to me to be a very inadequate foundation for the decision that leaves these young children in the custody of the father, which in effect means child-minders for much of the day, and the mother with such restricted access.  The position is made worse by the father’s tendency to cancel access visits by the mother.

I hope that I have not misrepresented the Court’s decision, as I have not yet seen a full translation.

I would like to express on behalf of the British Jewish community deep disquiet and strong reservations about this latest decision.

May I ask my colleagues who lead the Jewish community of Austria to make any suggestions as to what might be done to bring this deeply regrettable state of affairs to a just conclusion?

I realise that the Court has made a decision, but is it too late even at this stage to persuade the father to agree to a community-supported mediation ?  I can assure you that we in England would do all in our power to assist the process if such mediation could be arranged.

With cordial regards

Jonathan Arkush Jonathan Arkush
Vice President
Board of Deputies of British Jews

 ========================================

 From: Rabbi Jonathan Guttentag
Sent: 10 June 2012 22:42
To: Chief Rabbi Eisenberg,Rabbi Josef Pardes, Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman
Cc: Mag Raimund Fastenbauer (Secretary General of Board of Jewish Community Vienna)
Subject: Beth nee Alexander

 בס’ד

נחום נתן גוטנטג

רב דק”ק ווייטפילד

Rabbi Jonathan Guttentag

Whitefield, Manchester
M45 7PD
UK

10^th June 2012
20^th Sivan 5772

Chief Rabbi Chaim Eisenberg
Rabbi Yosef Pardes
Chabad Rabbi Jacob Biderman

Vienna

Kvod Harabbonim hachashuvim shlita

Please pardon me for intervening like this from the outside, but as you know the case of Beth nee Alexander formerly of Manchester is causing anxiety.

From our perspective we can see a young lady living far away from her parents and family, having gone to get married in a foreign country and community, with that marriage broken down, now deprived of custody of and access to her children. She finds herself now set against a former spouse who has the advantage of local family support, natural community affinity, and knowledge of the civic law situation. Through the involvement of the civil authorities the mother has lost custody of her children and is now being deprived of access to them.

It would appear that justification is being made for this situation, based inter alia on some allegations that there is mental health problem with Beth or her family.

To an outsider these sound like biased accusations that would tend to get made in aggravated break down of a marriage. But they are simply not fair nor just. My wife taught Beth at Yavneh Girls High school in Manchester . She remembers her as a kindly, quiet and very fine student. Family Alexander in Manchester is a family with a good name for solidity and communal involvement. I believe that it is simply an unworthy slur for Beth and her family to be characterised in a manner that I understand that they are being portrayed, and most unfair. There are always two sides in any situation, and one would expect a kehilla and its leadership to ensure that reasonably fair play is being maintained. From what it appears in this situation, however, and for whatever reason, there is an unfairness and an injustice being perpetrated against Beth, a single woman in a foreign country, without proper support – pitted against a family, in a community with all the connections naturally available to them.

I believe that you as the rabbinic leadership of the Vienna kehilla have it within your power to provide fairness to the situation and relief to Beth and her family. I write to you collectively dear honoured rabbonim, to appeal to you – please do that which is in your power to have this matter sorted in a manner which will reflect fairness and justice and uphold the good name of the esteemed Vienna kehilla.

The hanhogo of a kehilla is in the joint hands of rabbonim and baaley battim, and for that reason you will I am sure agree that it is correct and appropriate for me to write at the same time to the lay leadership of the kehilla, which as you can I have done.

With many thanks

Bevirkos kol tov

Jonathan Guttentag

Chasam Sofer: Seek truth - don't be concerned to please others and win their approval

Rabbi Simcha Friedman (Emunat Hakhmim in Tradition 27:4): ... I model myself upon what I have learned from R. Moshe  Sofer in a responsum written after R. Zevi Hirsch Chajes had presented him  with a copy of his book, Torat ha-Nevi'im. In his introduction, R. Chajes ex­pressed the fear that critics will reproach him with the argument that he had innovated nothing new, and therefore there seemed no purpose in his writ­ing what he did. The Hatam Sofer, however, encouraged him to publish his  book, for his intention is to increase Torah knowledge. He found support  for his position in an incident involving R. Abba (Beitzah 38a-b). Prior to his aliyah to the Land of Israel, R. Abba uttered the prayer: "May it be Thy will  that I say things which are acceptable to the Sages of the Land of Israel. "  The Talmud explains, however, that his prayer went unanswered, for during  course of a certain encounter in a bet midrash in Israel, R. Abba was ridiculed for a particular proof he had brought. The Hatam Sofer drew a comparison between R. Abba's prayer which went unanswered and a simi­lar prayer of R. Nehunya ben ha-Kanah (Berakhot 28b), who also requested, prior to teaching Torah, that he not stumble in matters of halakhah and that  felIow scholars rejoice in him and which was granted. The Hatam Sofer exlained the difference between the two in the fact that R. Abba sought to  find favor on the part of those who would hear him and was therefore un­successful, while R. Nehunya ben Ha-Kanah prayed simply to be guided  toward the truth of the halacha, but was not concerned with the approval of his listeners – and therefore succeeded. The Hatam Sofer inferred from this that as long as the intention of the disputants is to determine the truth of their views, there is a chance that each side will act with intellectual honesty in order to clarify the matter. However, once their aim is purely to convince the other party of the validity of their position, the desire to win the argument is likely to result in the lack of objective judtgment and therefore they will be unsuccessful.[Chasam Sofer #208]

Schlesinger Twins: Why am I reminded of the Emperor's new clothes?

Wikipedia. The phrase "emperor's new clothes" has become an idiom about logical fallacies.^[28] The story may be explained by pluralistic ignorance.^[29] The story is about a situation where "no one believes, but everyone believes that everyone else believes. Or alternatively, everyone is ignorant to whether the Emperor has clothes on or not, but believes that everyone else is not ignorant."^[30]

How Science Mimics Faith

Scientific American   Religion provides a sense of meaning and comfort for believers, and studies show that such beliefs intensify during threatening situations. Now research suggests that some people's faith in science may serve the same role.

Miguel Farias and other researchers at the University of Oxford and Yale University investigated whether it is belief in religion that is beneficial or in fact any belief about the world's order and our place in it. In two related experiments published in November 2013 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, the scientists developed a scale to measure belief in science—the view that scientific inquiry offers a superior guide to reality. As expected, belief in science was inversely correlated with religious beliefs. Next the researchers assessed whether belief in science increased in threatening situations.. [...]

“It is likely that some people use their ideas about science to make sense of the world and for emotional compensation in difficult situations in the same way that religious people use their supernatural beliefs,” Farias says. “Our findings suggest that it may be belief itself, regardless of its content, that helps people deal with adverse situations.”

The New York Asifa by Rabbi Yair Hoffman

update: Rabbi Hoffman's rebuttal of Rabbi Slifkin's comments

update Rabbi Slifkin sent me this rebuttal

Five Towns Jewish Time   This is a response to my good friend Reb Barry Jacobson’s remarks on the Asifa this past Sunday in Manhattan.  It also addresses his inquiry printed in the Five Towns Jewish Times about Torah sources regarding Bnei Torah continuing to study rather than serving in the army.  There is no question, of course, that the soldiers who are protecting the nation against the enemies of the Jewish people are fulfilling a remarkable task and a holy role.  Certainly, all of us who are beneficiaries of their bravery and dedication should express our sincere hakaras haTov and pray for their welfare and well-being.

The leading sages of America, Degel HaTorah, Agudah in Eretz Yisroel and the sages of Shas – the Sefardic Torah organization had all signed on for the call to join in the mass gathering in the Wall Street area.  The mass gathering was to show solidarity with the Torah community in Israel that is facing the unprecedented law in the state of Israel’s history to draft Yeshiva students into the armed forces.

This response is an explanation and a historical overview about the confluence of army service and Torah study.   Not everyone will agree with the explanations and positions set forth here.  However, those that do not agree must realize that they do come from a very different socio-religious milieu than those in the Chareido world who have been brought up with and raised with a deep appreciation of Torah being the only definition of true life.

Serious-minded Chareidi Jews do not merely recite the words of the blessings of the Shma perfunctorily.  No.  When they recite the words, “Ki haim chayeinu – for they are our life – v’orech yameinu and the pathways of our life..” – they truly mean it. [...]

What is missing in all this, however, is the realization that we are all children of the same mother and father.  We are all parts of the same body and we should treat each other with the respect and love that we must have for our family members – even if we do disagree as to what approach should be emphasized or adopted.   Recently, we have seen two conflicting PR Youtube videos to a song entitled “Anu Mashkimim v’haim Mashkimim.”  The song explains how we awaken early for the right purposes, they awaken early for useless purposes.  The song was used by both sides of the debate to denigrate the other side.  Both uses of the song are wrong.  We stand now in the month of Adar.  The Manos HaLevi, Rav Shlomo Alkabetz, explains that the concept of Shalach Manos is to further brotherly love and ahavas Yisroel among ourselves.  It is to counter the statement of Haman that the Jewish nation is Mefuzar and Mefurad throughout the nations because of their lack of unity.  The month of Adar should counter the spirit of disunity and contribute to family love.

May Hashem speedily grant mutual respect and unity among us.  Amain!