Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn: "Marriage Recognized and Not Recognized by the Torah" - Telephone Shiur #6 Wed night 9:30 PM

Telephone Shiur #6 Wed night 9:30 PM 5/6/15 Call 605-562-3130 then code 411161#

Marriage Recognized and Not Recognized by the Torah Rabbi Dovid E. Eidensohn/845-578-1917

1. What kind of marriage is recognized by the Torah?

2. When a Jew gives a ring or valuable object to a Jewish woman and says “you are mekudeshes to me” or a similar phrase, the woman is married to the man. EH 27:1. Marriage can also be created by giving a document of marriage to the woman and she accepts it, and it says that she is mekudeshes to the man who gave her the document EH 31:1. Also, if the husband has marital relations with a Jewish woman with intent to marry they are married EH33:1. Two Orthodox witnesses must witness any act of Kiddushin EH 27:2; 31:1; 33:1.

3. If witnesses know that a Jew and a Jewess are together and having marital relations, and we know that they were once married but now are divorced, we assume that their being together in front of witnesses or with the knowledge of kosher witnesses is an act of marriage and they are married EH 149:5.

4. But if the two were not originally married and then divorced, we assume that the two intended not marriage but Zenuse and there is no marriage. Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 149:5.

5. If a husband and wife are together in a community where marriage is often not established by Torah ritual but by governmental or social style, and the people probably consider themselves married, either because they are ignorant of the Torah or deny the Torah or ignore the Torah, we have a problem if kosher witnesses knew of them.

6. The Gadol of America, Rav Yosef Eliyohu Henkin zt”l, wrote in Lev Ivro that when two Jews marry in a secular ceremony but they consider it marriage, or the type of secular marriage has a name, civil marriage, that indicates marriage and not Zenuse, we assume that they are married. (Lev Ivro page 12). Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l disagrees EH IV:81. This is also a machlokess between the Ragetshover who is machmir and HaGaon Reb Yonoson Shteif who says the custom is to be lenient, see Teshuvose Rav Shteif #118.

7. If the husband and wife make a two ring ceremony, it would seem that both share in the act of Kiddushin, which could result in no Torah marriage at all. On the other hand, maybe the wife knows that her mother married with one ring, and she wants to give a ring only to be modern, but without violating the basic idea of Torah kiddushin. Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l wrote in Even Hoezer IV:13:4 that in such a case the couple must be told by the rabbi that the marriage is when the husband gives the ring, and the wife may give the ring only after she is married by the husband’s giving of the ring, as a celebration of the previous act of marriage. But if this was not done, Reb Moshe does not know what to say, because who knows what the couple was thinking?

8. Also in the time of Rav Henkin even secular people recognized the role of the male as being the head of the house and the woman he married came into his possession. Therefore, any kind of “marriage” would satisfy the Torah requirements. But today with gender wars and the women insisting on being equal to men “marriage” means not what the Torah calls Kiddushin, when the wife is possessed by the husband, but rather a partnership. If so, the “partnership” marriage does not create Torah marriage.

9. Because of this, couples without kosher Kiddushin living together in New York or other areas where Orthodox Jews live and the couple has a de facto marriage without Kiddushin, we have a problem if by Torah law they are married. If they are married and broke up without a GET, we have a problem if the woman can remarry without a GET. And if she does remarry without a GET, we have a problem if the children are mamzerim.

10. A woman in order to gain entrance to a country pretends to marry a man who is a citizen of that country, and she stays in his house, so that they both appear as man and wife. The man makes a condition he will do the woman a favor so she can enter the country, but she must stay in his house for three months and then she must leave and they will separate. Reb Moshe says she is not married by Torah standards. Igeres Moshe EV VI:112

11. A woman is married to a man in a Reform ceremony. The man and his ancestors were Reform. Reb Moshe Feinstein zt”l in Igeres Moshe IV:75 says that there is no marriage. In that case the couple was together a short time and were not in a neighborhood with frumeh Yidden. Yet Reb Moshe says that if possible a GET should be given. But if this is not possible he permits the woman to remarry without a GET.

12. A woman wanted to marry a Kohen but she is a divorcee. So she went to a Reform rabbi and married the Kohen. Reb Moshe says that she is not married to the Kohen because the Reform marriage is not a marriage. And if there are Orthodox people who know that they live together there may be kiddushin from biah, but that only applies to Orthodox people who don’t want to live with Zenuse. But people who go to Reform don’t have compunctions with what we call Zenuse. So there is no marriage, because those who are hefker regarding Torah and mitsvose have no reluctance to make a Biah of Zenuse. Igeres Moshe IV:76.

13. In Igeres Moshe IV:77 Reb Moshe makes it clear that Reform people don’t make a ceremony of marriage acceptable to the Torah and they are deniers so that even Rav Henkin who considers civil marriage a Torah marriage would agree that this does not apply to Reform deniers of the Torah.

14. In Igeres Moshe IV:78 Reb Moshe says that a goy who is converted by a Conservative rabbi who is mechalel Shabbos who marries a Jewish woman with such a rabbi, she is not married. Rabbis known to be kofrim make invalid marriages and are invalid witnesses so she is not married.

15. A woman who met a man and they married in civil court where there were no Orthodox witnesses and stayed together only a few days. She is not married as no Orthodox witnesses knew they were together. Igeres Moshe IV:80

16. A Russian woman married there at a time when the government treated marriage as an easily broken thing and the government itself sometimes breaks up a marriage to serve the government. If the woman wants to be frum we can clarify what happened and find a reason to permit her to remarry. But if she won’t be frum we don’t have to help her get married and live in sin. Igeres Moshe IV:81.

17. See Reb Yonosan Shteif zt”l in his teshuvose207 is a Pilegesh permitted or forbidden. A Yevomo LaShuk who is a pilegesh is this permitted? See his teshuva at length forbidding a Yevoma LaShuk to be a pilegesh.

18. A woman finds out that her husband is a mumar. Is this kiddushei toose? See Reb Yonosan Shteif 103. See degrees of Mumar in teshuvose Yam Shel Shlomo #41 that perhaps applies in this case also. See also Ayin Yitschok I:24 about mekach yoose in marriage.

19. If somebody is married and takes another woman without kiddushin, and she stopped going to the Mikvah, and this goes on for many years, when she leaves the man, does she need a GET? Tsemach Tsedek from Lubavitch EH I:138 has lengthy discussion of this. He does not say a definite thing but concludes that there are proofs to be lenient. This is about a Pilegesh if she needs a GET.

20. Regarding Pilegesh see Shulchan Aruch Even Hoezer 13:7: “A Pilegesh who lives only with one man who wants to marry somebody else must wait ninety days.” From this it seems that she does not need a GET because it only demands a delay of ninety days. The Gro there #19 says that she wants to have children. That is, they are married in practice if not with Kiddushin. And it would seem that there is no need of a GET as this is not mentioned. See Even Hoezer 26:1 a machlokess about Pilegesh forbidden or permitted.

21. A husband is discovered to have a terrible fault such as being unable to have intimacy, we try to get a GET from him. If that is impossible, there is a great discussion in the Poskim. See Igeres Moshe EH1:80 at the end there his lenient opinion, and the opinion of the Gaon of Kovna in Ayin Yitschok EH 24 and Bare Yitschok 4 that this might be forbidden dirabonon.

22. Let us conclude that there is a great difference of opinion regarding many Jewish marriages, if they are valid or if people need a GET in order to remarry. We have previously discussed the issues of forcing husbands to give a GET that could make mamzerim.

Todros Grynhaus: The Gateshead Rav testifies against him in court

Jewish Chronicle   A leading rabbi has told a court that a Jewish teacher was “annoyed at being caught” when confronted with allegations of serious sexual abuse in front of his wife as part of a secret meeting.

Rabbi Shraga Feivel Zimmerman was giving evidence on Tuesday in the trial of 50-year-old Todros Grynhaus, a prominent member of the Charedi community in Salford.

Father-of-ten Mr Grynhaus is charged with five counts of indecent assault and two counts of sexual assault against two girls committed when they were aged around 14 and 15.

Rabbi Zimmerman – the Gateshead Rav – and one of the most significant figures in Gateshead’s strictly Orthodox community, was notified of the allegations by Mr Grynhaus’s cousin, Rabbi Gershon Miller, also of Gateshead, in 2010, and it was decided a meeting should be arranged.

Rabbi Miller, Rabbi Zimmerman and psychologist Dr Michael Schauder opted to tell Mr Grynhaus to visit them in Gateshead with his wife without telling him the precise reason.

Once at the classroom location, he was confronted with the sexual abuse allegations said to have been committed against one girl some years earlier.

Rather than protesting or denying the allegations, it is claimed Mr Grynhaus said: “What would you like me to do about it?”

With Mr Grynhaus’s wife Leah beside him looking “speechless and stunned”, Dr Schauder suggested he attend therapy sessions, to which Mr Grynhaus agreed, Manchester Crown Court heard.

Giving evidence, Rabbi Zimmerman said: “Up until a certain point I thought it was insignificant. Up until the point the charge of sexual abuse was made then I realised it was far more serious. I wanted to see what Todros Grynhaus would say about this.

“If he had denied it or expressed some remorse I would have tried to push further to restore peace, but since he didn’t, I realised it was beyond competence and let Dr Schauder handle it. [...]

The Shidduch Crisis: A spiritual explanation

Update  - Rap's Rebuttal

Guest Post Rabbi Yoel Small, M.Ed.

More and more Americans are choosing not to marry. The percentage of never married Americans over the age of 25 has more than doubled to over 20 percent. Forty five percent of these never-married Americans over the age of 25 either do not want to marry or are unsure whether they would eventually like to get married. (See link) Of those that do marry, over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. To sum up, we reside in a society that is continuously downgrading the value of families. 

Unfortunately, these attitudes have infiltrated our communities as well. The singles scene in the Upper West Side and Washington Heights neighborhoods of Manhattan - which hosts thousands of Jewish singles over the age twenty five - is one of its products. The alarming, ever-rising divorce rate is another one that has its roots the discard of the value of maintaining a wholesome family setting. 

Our community has also unfortunately been affected by a seemingly unrelated marital crises - the shidduch crises. This crises is unique in that it seems to only be affecting women. While several explanations have been suggested as the route cause of the crises, the age-gap theory is the predominant one.

There have been several initiatives that have been advanced to rectify the shidduch crises. One philanthropist, in an effort to ease the shidduch crises, has offered to ensure that, under certain conditions, each matchmaker will relieve $10,000 per match made.

The Rambam rules that when we see a crises befall our community, we have a responsibility to soul-search in order to understand why Hashem has brought this upon us - which will cause the  crises to leave us. The Rambam notes further, that refraining from soul-searching and attributing the crises to natural causes is cruelty. 

WHILE we’ve seen technical explanations as to why there may be a shidduch crises, have we seen spiritual reasons suggested? 

Is it possible that Hashem has allowed this shidduch crises to come about in order to save the Yiddishe family? As we’ve noted, we reside in a society where more than one out of every two marriages end in divorce, and the rate is continuously rising. Unfortunately, in our communities the divorce rate is also, sadly increasing at an alarming rate. 

What is the cause of all these divorces? While I cannot answer this question, the fact is that the vast majority of divorces are initiated and sought by the wife. Several studies have been conducted as to which party chooses to divorce. The studies vary in their results. However according the lowest study, over 66 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife and 20% by the husband (11% were mutually sought). According to one study, over 90% of divorces are initiated by the wife. That’s between a three to one and a 9 to 1 ratio. Many therapists have explained that the woman, even with children, feels that “she could do better” - find a better husband and selfishly abandons her marriage.

It is very possible that maybe, just maybe, Hashem created the shidduch challenge we currently face in order to protect and secure the Jewish family from these societal influences. A person values and appreciates an item that was difficult to obtain much more than an item that was obtained with little effort. A wife will value a marriage that she had to, unfortunately, wait and seek for a very long time, much more than had it come effortlessly. It won’t be easy for her to just pick up one day and say “I can do better”, when she is aware that “it’s a man’s world out there”.

(Rabbi Tzadok Katz once mentioned in the American Yated that NASI has conducted studies that have shown that certain communities have barley been affected by the shidduch crises. Those communities that are less affected are the communities that seem to be less influenced by secular society and are a lot less likely to seek a divorce, unless absolutely necessary. And their definition of absolutely necessary does not include “I could do better”.)  

So in conjunction to these fine initiatives being advanced in order to solve the shidduch crises, wouldn’t it be prudent upon us to internalize the value of marriage, the way Hashem would like us to treat marriage? 

As many segulos are available and suggested, I would like to propose one as well. Can we suggest that a segula for a young woman to overcome her own personal shidduch crises would be to internalize and appreciate the value of marriage. To firmly accept upon herself that as soon as she merits to marry, she will value and appreciate the marriage. Once married, she will feel a responsibility towards her spouse and will never, ever seek to end it to “do better”. Midah kneged midah, may Hashem save her time and anguish, and unite her with her zivug quickly. Omain!

======================Rap's Rebuttal ===================

There is no "spiritual shidduch crisis" – it's all (hu)man made!

Guest post by RaP

Most of society's problems are created for very real reasons that have to do with the people who live in that society. The talk about a "shidduch crisis" in the frum world often leaves one thinking as if it's some sort of disjointed inexplicable surprise "earthquake" or "tsunami" that has risen from the dark beyond or mysterious deep and hit us hard, when that is far from the truth.

Over many decades of observing the rising problems relating to dating, shidduchim, older singles, out of town singles, singles events and all the constant talk about this subject, it becomes quite obvious that for some or other reasons the real factors that are at work are often overlooked or are just too tough to face.

Here are some hard-earned observations and conclusions based on real-life interactions with people seeking shidduchim in the frum world, from modern Orthodox, Yeshivish or Charedi, to strictly Chasidish, in no particular hierarchy of importance:

Young people today are not prepared for the hard realities of married life. The luxurious lifestyle and catering to every last whim of children and teens does not prepare them for either dating or marriage. Years spent in yeshivos, Jewish day schools and bais yaakovs where teachers fear for their salaries and never really talk about the daily sacrifices required to meet and keep one's bashert. Never-ending amusement trips, summer camps, vacations and the many family happy events are not good preparation for practical realities like getting and holding a job, buying groceries, paying bills, and managing a budget, taking out the garbage and doing laundry, and the real pain of having babies, changing diapers and raising children.

In short there is a major disconnect between the chinuch offered up and the requirements of real life at the end of the day. Kids expect to have all their wishes met, all expenses paid, and be taken care of, when to date and get married requires that you take care of that other person you are dating, then your spouse, children and home.

So many people just prefer staying at home and eating Mom's delicious kugels and cakes rather than face the ugly cruel world out there.

Too many people are brainwashed by the need for "perfect looks" as if a nation of narcissists has arisen. Every boy wants a beautiful thin (and rich) girl who looks stunning, and every girl dreams of a handsome prince from some romantic tale. This is a common affliction in America and the frum suffer from it a lot even though they are not as involved in the mainstream culture. Yet hardly anyone cares that beauty is only skin deep and "sheker hachein vehevel hayofi" is a very real bit of practical advice.

How many people put Yiras Shomayim and real Mentsclichkeit before anything else? In short people's values are skewered beyond repair so that it's no surprise that a lot of folks can't hook up because they are lost in dreamland.

In some circles girls are educated to "support" boys in Kollel. This was a very vital and important idea after the Holocaust a "hora'as sha'ah" to boost the status of Limmud HaTorah in a world that had lost the cream of its Torah scholars in the Holocaust and to assimilation. But that was then, and this is now. Today we have hundreds of thousands if not millions of strict Torah-observant Jews, and tens of thousands of Torah learners with yeshivos bursting at the seams.

The reality now is that people cannot count on other's supporting them for long periods.

Even very frum families cannot do it because it is impossible to support ten scholars in every family if every family is "only" pushing for Kollel marriages. The frum educational system is still functioning as if it's in a world of Shtetels when it fact we are in world of wealth with high standards of living. The world of the Chofetz Chaim living in a hut with mud floors is long gone, today people require luxuries as necessities. Among the modern Orthodox they have another social sickness, convinced that every kid has to go to an Ivy League college ignoring that with that comes mixed dorms, and moral destruction. Yet for them it is "college ubber alles" no matter that most of those kids lose their Jewish identity on campus very quickly. Needless to say living on a modern college campus is the worst preparation for dating and marriage, and that should be self-understood but it is ignored for the sake of getting a degree, in anything, at all costs. It is a tragedy!

Tuitions and living expenses related to raising children, even for dating itself, are sky-high, and for the Charedi world what is needed is more income producing men. The Chasidish world is ahead of the game here, especially in America, they push their young men out to work soon after marriage and thus it's more doable for them to marry at a young age, while their modern Orthodox and Yeshivish compatriots flounder for a form of parnossa. Thus, young women often rebel and seek higher employment, which is logical, but then that locks them out of the Kollel-shidduchim. Working guys and higher earning women are a big part of the unmarried population and it's because they are being discriminated against for not being in Kollel.

Another major factor that contributes to girls being single in the Yeshivish community, is that unlike in the Chasidish world where girls do not go overseas to seminaries, it has now become "the divine right" of most Yeshvish girls in America, like the modern Orthodox girls do, to expect a year or two of an all expenses paid year or two of study, touring, and fun and games in Israel. During 12th grade she dreams of being in Israel, then spends a year or two out of circulation in Har Nof, then it takes another year or two for her to land and get down to dating back home in the USA. By that time she is already about 21 and she wonders why she is not getting as many dates. Unlike the Chasidish girls who do not leave home, get a good practical Chinuch in home making and being a good wife and mother who start dating by 18 and by 20 most are married.

It's absurd to read ads in the frum papers urging parents not to send their sons to Israel to help solve the lack of good guys, when the problem is the girls who should not be sent away when they should be dating instead and getting ready for marriage. But no, people must have their good times, nothing to do with preparation for dating, marriage or life, just another entitlement and desire for long vacations, being taken care of by Mommy and Daddy, and the easy life.

Then people wonder why things are not working out. How can they if you spend your life and all your money spoiling your children, giving in to all their whims, and then wondering why they don't know how to have a real relationship with a member of the opposite sex and be ready for marriage, parenthood, home-building and dealing with all the curve balls life throws at you and still be in one good monogamous healthy marriage for life, til death do us part, something that is becoming harder and harder to attain, due to our own very human failings.

Fixing the Problem of Liberal Bias in Social Psychology regarding issues such as gender, race, morality

Scientific American     Does Social Psychology need more political diversity? Here’s one thing on which everyone can agree: social psychology is overwhelmingly composed of liberals (around 85%). The question of why this is the case, and whether it presents a problem for the field, is more controversial. The topic has exploded out of our conference halls and into major news outlets over the past several years, with claims of both overt hostility and subtle bias against conservative students, colleagues, and their publications, being met with reactions ranging from knee-jerk dismissal to sincere self-reflection and measured methodological critique. 

A recent paper led by Jose Duarte of Arizona State University attempts to organize the existing empirical research relevant to this debate.  There are two central questions here. First, is the ideological imbalance the result of some kind of bias against conservatives, or some more benign cause, like self-selection into the field? And second, independent of the cause, would more political diversity actually improve the validity of our science? 

Duarte et al provide evidence suggesting that social psychology is not a welcoming environment for conservatives. Papers are reviewed differently depending on whether they are considered to support liberal vs. conservative positions, and anonymous surveys reveal a considerable percentage of social psychologists willing to explicitly report negative attitudes towards conservatives.  This shouldn’t surprise us. Everything social psychologists know about group behavior tells us that overwhelming homogeneity, especially when defined through an important component of one’s identity like political ideology, will lead to negativity towards an outgroup. We also know a thing or two about confirmation bias and all the ways in which it can affect our decision-making, and it is odd to suggest it might not affect our own. Or to suggest that it might in some domains but not the political. 

What about the consequences of this imbalance? Would more political diversity increase the validity of social psychological findings? First, as the authors note, this concern about diversity only applies to the small subset of research dealing with politically charged issues (e.g. gender, race, morality). They argue that having a range of political opinions in these domains would combat the pernicious effects of confirmation bias and group think by introducing more dissent. The authors identify several examples of research which they believe to be  “tainted” by ideological motivation, and based on their assessment of the state of the research in politically controversial areas, conclude that “the parameters [of the field] are not set properly for the optimum discovery of truth. More political diversity would help the system discover more truth.” Conservative social psychologists would test different hypotheses, better identify methodologies in which liberal values are embedded, and be more critical in general of theories and data that advance liberal narratives.[...]

Community Alert: Allegations that a NY therapist, lecturerer on internet porn and abuse victim advocate - is himself a predator

By Rabbi Yair Hoffman 5 Towns Jewish Times

The following is a grave warning to young women and their parents:

There is an individual loose in our community who presents himself as both a therapist and an activist fighting against the dangers of internet pornography addiction. He gives public lectures and speeches in various venues presenting himself as an expert in the field. He has spoken in shuls, Yeshivos, and Bais Yaakovs. He warns young men and young women to stay clear of potential sites and predators. This speaker is eloquent, articulate, and reassuring. He cites facts and figures authoritatively. Yet he has a pattern of eventually getting involved in Biblically forbidden ways with young ladies that reach out to him. These young ladies may be single or even married.

When he speaks at a shul, school or other event, contact with vulnerable young ladies can begin. The contact between the two begins innocently enough, at times, he presents himself as a type of therapist or counselor and promises confidentiality. At first the confidentially is maintained. When the young lady begins to delineate her problem, he explains that the problem is so severe that it must be either dealt with more directly or in person.

The patterns follow typical grooming techniques which are well-documented, of others who attempt to develop inappropriate relationships with unsuspecting victims. They begin by complimenting them. The relationship quickly becomes inappropriate and professional boundaries are not maintained. This individual has an office where he sees people, or he may meet them on a more casual basis. He tells the individuals that they need to develop normal patterns of relationships, and then he models that “normal” pattern of relationship r”l.

This particular individual makes sure that he does not get involved on a physical level with anyone under the age of eighteen. The individual treats his victims as “special” and may even say that this is the first time he has been so “taken” by a person.

The author of this article has met with a victim, and has examined evidence corroborating the victim’s story. The author has no doubt whatsoever as to the veracity of the story.

The author has also reached out to five separate Gedolei Torah – each Gadol has ruled that the information contained in this article must be disseminated to the public on the internet. It was at the behest of Rav Aharon Feldman Shlita, Rosh Yeshiva of Ner Yisroel  that this community alert be issued.

If you feel that you or a family member has been victimized by this individual please contact jewishcommunityalert@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept private and this will help prevent others from being victimized.

In addition, Rav Harpenes is of the halachic opinion that all situations of a therapeutic nature should be strictly gender separated. Women must see women and men must see men, according to Rav Harpenes. [This is not a widely held opinion "Please see Dr. Joel Rosenshin's testimony about Rav Moshe and others in regards to this matter, in Dr. Nachum Klafter’s book." ]

Other Poskim have said that ideally gender separation should be maintained, but if necessary and under strict observance of the laws of Yichud alternatives can be pursued. They further instructed that the following guidelines be implemented.

1] Anyone who is currently seeing a therapist or counselor should make sure that the therapist is truly licensed and undergoes regular supervision. It goes without saying that this should be verified independently.

2] All yichud situations of a male therapist alone with a woman must be avoided, notwithstanding any assurances of permissions granted by Rabbis etc.

This specific matter is being researched for any possible illegalities involving misrepresentations of a therapeutic nature, and whether there are any illegalities involved in physical involvement with someone in a therapeutic context, even if the therapist is not a licensed New York State therapist. At this point the name of the individual in question is being omitted as research into the matter continues.

The author can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com

How to Get Porn Out of Our Yeshivas by Raffi Bilek

 Update with comments of  SnugglyKindness and Ted video

Guest Post  http://www.frumcounselor.com/

http://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/

The problem hardly needs elaboration anymore. Fewer and fewer people continue to deny that pornography viewing and addiction are extant if not commonplace in even the most traditional and the most insular communities. The reach of the internet knows almost no boundaries.

So far initiatives to arrest this problem have been few and far between. GuardYourEyes.com is, in the words of Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky, “the only weapon we have” in the fight against pornography. It is a very robust tool, but it is not enough. Nor do we have any preventative measures in place. One rosh yeshiva I approached with a proposal to speak to the bochurim about the issue responded that “the rebbeim already speak to the boys individually about this issue.” I would wager an awful lot of money that the rebbeim in that yeshiva are not approaching bochurim to discuss with them the dangers of pornography. Perhaps the rosh yeshiva was referring to sporadic shmuessen on the topic of shmirat einayim or similar topics. This is not nearly enough.

Apart from prevention programs, what do we need to preserve our boys (and girls) from the destruction of pornography? As Rabbi Twersky reports, when the “Just Say No to Drugs” campaign was launched in the 80’s, some adolescents responded with a question: “Why? What else is there?” Pornography is just another drug. (Indeed, studies have shown that the effect it has on the brain is comparable to the effects of heroin.) In order to beat pornography, we have to offer our children something better.

Perhaps you think I am going to turn here to laud the value and primacy of Torah. While I do not deny either, I humbly submit that this is not the answer. When we say we need to offer something “better,” we aren’t speaking about “good” in its moral sense. “Better” to a teenager means more interesting, more satisfying, more gratifying. Developing an appreciation for Torah is a lifelong pursuit; we cannot expect of our youngsters to feel an emotional connection to and deep appreciation of it in their adolescent years, much as we don’t expect children to willingly choose healthy alternatives to junk food (even when they may be just as tasty), or fine wines over sugary sodas.

Pornography is indeed interesting, satisfying, and gratifying – but only superficially and temporarily. The urge, once fulfilled, remains so for only a brief time until it rears its ugly head again. Torah, of course, is much deeper and more permanent, but it is a fine wine, and we can’t rely on Torah learning in its pure form to compete with the quick-and-easy stuff for the minds of our youth when they live in a world so deluged with opportunities for instant gratification. Of course, the deeper pleasures in life only come with effort; but there is a ladder to climb in learning to appreciate this truth.

Thus, in order to assist our youth in climbing this ladder, we need to provide them with endeavors in which they can participate that do take effort and do provide a more lasting satisfaction. And let’s be honest: not every bochur is cut out for full-time learning. Not every bochur is even cut out for more than a small quantity of itim k’vuim (and even then, gemara is simply not on the metaphorical or literal table for many). This is not a chiddush to anyone; yet the system has few answers for these bochrim.

Students who do not enjoy learning will not find it an attractive alternative to pornography. True pleasure comes from using the skills and talents with which one has been bestowed by the Creator in productive and meaningful pursuits. Research has found that people are happy when they are using those skills in a forum that challenges them, but that does not present goals that are hopelessly out of reach. And let us reiterate: for many people, those skills do not involve logical reasoning, linguistic deliberations, or any of the other requirements of serious learning. (I am not suggesting we not cultivate those skills in our youth; I am merely proposing that those skills take time to develop, and that while they are developing, they are not terribly effective as weapons against a very well-developed yetzer hara.)

For many people – all kinds of people! – the skills they need to call upon to actualize themselves are far more varied. G-d has created artists in His world, creative writers, actors – people who need to invent new ideas, express them, share them. He has created people who are athletic, who are physically nimble or strong or active and for whom nothing could be more fulfilling than pushing their bodies to the limits, whether it be on a hike, in the gym, or on the court. He has created “people people,” who thrive when engaging with others socially and emotionally, not just academically. All of these kinds of individuals will need pursuits that match their personalities and skill sets. Gemara simply isn’t enough of an answer. When adolescents are in front of a computer screen with free time, considering the options of how to spend it, it will be only a very few who will choose to look up a Ritva rather than browse a site that may be off-limits. But there are decidedly more who might be willing to try out a new illustration program, or look up recipes to try in the kitchen, or write a meaningful letter to soldiers out in the field – and how much more so would this be true if these activities were valued in our community, not merely tolerated (at best). To an artist, creating art feels productive and good. To an engineer, building a model or a robot or a prototype feels productive and good. THIS is the tool that will help us fight the scourge of pornography. THIS is what can ward off the emptiness that invites the filth in with open arms.

None of this is a contradiction to the primacy of Torah. For most of Jewish history, Jews held up the Torah as the central value and guiding light of our nation, yet only a very few were privileged to learn a significant portion of it, let alone all day every day. And yet the Jewish nation has indeed survived the millennia, and the Torah has not been lost from us. It is vital to imbue our youngsters with the wisdom and vitality of Torah; but that does not equate to turning every child into a kollel yungerman. G-d did not design us so. And when we deny our children the outlet that their very nature yearns for, learning will not provide an adequate substitute. The result is the lack of fulfillment that pushes our youngsters to the supremely accessible drug of pornography.

Saving the next generation from the vice that already has many of them – and many among the older generations as well – in its clutches will not be a matter of doing what we are already doing, just better and harder. It will take an approach that is different – but that is after all not so different from what we did for so many centuries before last.
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update

SnugglyKindness . • 2 hours ago

For those of you who deny that Internet pornography is harmful on the brain i would like to point you to the following links. Internet pornography addiction is harder on the brain then hard street drug addictions and this is scientifically proven as you will discover in the following videos and links.

I can't imagine that viewing Internet pornography even casually in a non addicted manner could be healthy or normal. if Internet pornography addiction does have such a strong impact on the brain even stronger then a heroin or crack addiction i can't imagine viewing it several times a week for short periods of time would not be harmful.

Would a person using heroin or cocaine casually once in a while or a few times a week not be harming and making detrimental changes in his brain? (and don't tell me these kind of people don't exist they absolutely do and i know so first hand from people iv known in my past before becoming Torah observant). maybe the damage wouldn't be as bad as someone who uses those drugs all the time but i can't imagine even once in a while would not be harmful (and maybe you would like to prove me wrong).

If the following links i post are true and Internet pornography addiction is more harmful to the brain then drugs including the hard ones then viewing them casually is going to have negative impacts on the brain.

And i don't think this is even important when you consider that its prohibited by the Torah which is whats really relevant here but for those of you who deny the Torah or pick and choose from it the following will be of interest (and probably of interest to Torah Jews for informational purposes and to better explain to Torah youth's the long lasting and permanent damage that can occur to there brains and sexual outlook for the rest of there lives by viewing Internet pornography).

Keep in mind also that all these links and information were compiled and created by a man named Gary B Wilson who is not religious and not even anti-pornography. he typically believes as is common today that people should be able to do what ever they want as long as they don't hurt anybody (live and let live type stuff).

He only does this to show the science behind it in order to help those who have been negatively affected by pornography addiction why they have so many problems with (number one being) erectile dysfunction, lack of motivation, depression, inability to view normal women as attractive and a multitude of other problems related to pornography addiction that you will find quite shocking.

Also to mention that youths are harmed way more then adults by Internet pornography and recovery from it takes a much longer time with many brain changes remaining permanent and irreversible.

So without further ado (and a warning to the extremely sensitive or completely guarded individuals that these videos do contain pornographic terms that you may or will not be familiar with that if you understood them you might not be comfortable. although there is no outright sexually explicit material in these videos that i remember):




Your Brain On Porn: website explaining pornography's negative impact on the brain hosted by Gary B Wilson
http://yourbrainonporn.com/

The Great Porn Experiment (TED Talk):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

Your Brain on Porn 6 part youtube playlist (a detailed scientific explanation on pornography addiction and its impact on the brain):
....

Adolecent Brain meets high speed Internet porn (Internet pornography addiction harms youth's way worse and permanently then it does adults)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?...
so check out these videos and draw your own conclusions but its impossible to deny the science behind this stuff and if you do well...

Sentencing of Israeli rabbi Yoshiyahu Pinto for bribery - postponed by one week

Haaretz    The Tel Aviv District Court on Sunday postponed issuing sentence on Rabbi Yoshiyahu Pinto until May 12, after a particularly tense sentencing hearing. Pinto was convicted on April 14 on charges of bribery, attempted bribery and obstruction of justice in a plea bargain, after admitted to the bribery of Israel Police Brig. Gen. Ephraim Bracha. 

In making its summation before Judge Oded Mudrick, the prosecution castigated Pinto’s conduct, criticizing his “audacity” and “manipulations” and describing him as “a man who thought himself above the law.” 

“The indictment to which the accused pleaded guilty describes an extensive range of serious and sophisticated acts carried out by a venerable figure, who sole purpose was to seriously and repeatedly disrupt the law enforcement system by cynically exploiting his spiritual status,” said prosecutor Racheli Hazan-Feldman. 

“It’s hard to find a precedent for acts similar to these,” she added. “We’re talking about a case of unprecedented seriousness in terms of the attempt to undermine the activities of law enforcement. This was an attempt to bribe a senior police officer to obtain information about investigations in which the briber was questioned under caution. We’re talking about a very large bribe of $200,000.”[...]

Authorities raid ‘cult’ women’s seminary in Jerusalem, arrest R Aharon Ramati

Haaretz      Jerusalem police and municipality workers raided the Be’er Miriam seminary for women in Jerusalem Sunday, following parents’ claims that the Sephardi institution, headed by Rabbi Aharon Ramati, is a cult. Ramati was not at the school when it was raided, but police located him shortly after in a nearby synagogue and he was taken in for questioning by the Jerusalem fraud squad.

Six women from the seminary were also detained on suspicion of various crimes, including fraud. Two other women were held for allegedly holding a former student against her will.

The police suspect a number of crimes were committed at the school, located in the Sanhedria neighborhood in north Jerusalem, including tax fraud and defrauding government ministries, as well as violating health and educational standards. A preliminary examination found that the gas lines were hooked up illegally, A fire and rescue service team disconnected the lines for safety reasons.[...]

A battle to close the seminary has been going on for years within the ultra-Orthodox community, but the police never found a reason to intervene until now. Ramati has even been accused of being the leader of “a dangerous cult” by leading Haredi rabbis. Still, the seminary continued to operate and drew dozens of young women students, most of whom were either newly religious or in the process of becoming more religious. [...]

Pam Geller: Moslems defend her right to be anti-Moslem

CNN       Garland shooting: What is the American Freedom Defense Initiative?

 ts name paints an image of a group dedicated to protecting American ideals. But critics call it the opposite -- an intolerant hate group opposed to freedom of religion.

Now, with two gunmen killed outside one of its events, the American Freedom Defense Initiative is back in the spotlight -- once again, surrounded by debate. 

Here's what to know about the controversial group:

2 killed after they open fire at Mohammed cartoon event

The AFDI says it has several tenets, including:

-- Freedom of speech, "as opposed to Islamic prohibitions of 'blasphemy' and 'slander,' " which quashes open dialogue of jihad and Islamic supremacism, the group says

-- "The freedom of conscience -- as opposed to the Islamic death penalty for apostasy"

-- Equal rights of all people, "as opposed to ... institutionalized discrimination against women and non-Muslims" in Sharia law, or strict Islamic law.

... but it's also listed as an extremist group

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists the American Freedom Defense Initiative as an active anti-Muslim group in its "Extremist Files" database.[...]

"Who designated the SPLC as a legitimate authority? They are a radical leftist group who targets patriots, vets and even GOP presidential candidates," she told CNN. "They have never named a jihadi group as a hate group."  

==============================

Daily Beast Muslims Defend Pam Geller’s Right To Hate

Both before Pam Geller’s ‘Draw Mohammed’ event and after the attack Sunday night, Muslim American leaders vigorously defended her right to draw whatever she wants.

 

Anti-Muslim advocate Pam Geller has the absolute right to draw any cartoon she wants of the Prophet Mohammed. That was not just the response from Muslim American leaders I spoke to after news broke Sunday night of a shooting outside a Garland, Texas event that Geller had organized —offering $10,000 for people to draw images of Mohammed—but before that event as well.

As of the writing of this article, we know that after the conclusion of Geller’s event, two gunmen drove into the parking lot of the venue and fired shots that wounded one security officer. The two suspects were then reportedly killed by the police officers outside the venue. The identity and motivation of the gunmen is still not known as of press time.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that some Muslims aren’t offended by the idea of Geller offering $10,000 for people to draw despicable cartoons of Mohammed.  But the reality is American Muslims deeply value freedom of expression.

Plus, to be blunt, we are used to Geller, a person who has been denounced by both the Anti-Defamation league and the Southern Poverty Law Center for her anti-Muslim hate. She has been demonizing us Muslims for years. Geller is so over-the-top in her rabid hatred of Muslims that she has become a punchline in our community. [...]

Ethiopians riot again - this time in Tel Aviv: PM says violence is not acceptable - legitimate protests are

Arutz 7    The riots in Tel Aviv Sunday by Ethiopian protesters have prompted politicians to comment on the situation. Speaking with Public Security Minister Yitzhak Aharonovitch, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu said that there was definitely good reason to examine the issues raised by protesters, “but there is no place for violence and violations of the law.” Netanyahu has called a government meeting for Monday to discuss Sunday's riots.

Aharonvitch said that there was “no doubt that the protesters have justified complaints. In Ofer Prison today, 19% of the inmates are Ethiopian, and there have been times where 40% of the inmates have been from that community. But they do not have a permit for this protest, and that makes it illegal.

“We have to understand the root causes of the protests,” Aharonovitch said. “I see what happens in my hometown of Netanya, I see the problems. But you cannot take a single incident – in this case the video of violence by a police officer – and turn it into a reason for a riot. These things happen, with Ethiopians, with Russians, with Arabs, with immigrants from France. The solution is not just with the police. On Monday there will be a government meeting about this,” said Aharonovitch. “I hope we will find some solutions.”[...]

Issues in Divorce: Destroying one's children to spite an ex-spouse- INTERFERENCE WITH PARENTAL RIGHTS OF NONCUSTODIAL PARENT

This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to the hope that a certain father - who is an avid reader of this blog - will wake up to the fact that he is destroying his own children by permanently harming their psychological, intellectual and emotional development - solely to hurt his ex-wife. There is a special place in Hell for such behavior.

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/borris97.htm

Edward B. Borris, Assistant Editor, Divorce Litigation

 

I. Introduction

Interference by one parent in the relationship of a child and the other parent is almost never in the child's best interests. In fact, in extreme cases, actions by one parent to alienate the affections of the child from the other parent, to interfere win the other parent's visitation rights, or to remove the child to a distant state or country can often lead to liability in tort. See generally E. Borris, "Torts Arising Out of Interference with Custody and Visitation," 7 Divorce Litigation 192 (1995). Tort liability is not always an option, however, as many courts refuse to award damages based upon interference with visitation rights. E.g., Cosner v. Ridinger, 882 P.2d 1243 (Wyo.1994)

A noncustodial parent is not always left without a remedy, however, simply because courts in that parent's jurisdiction refuse to recognize tort actions arising out of interference with his or her parental rights. This article discusses a different type of liability which may result from interference with the noncustodial parent's rights: loss of custody. The article will first discuss whether a party may generally obtain a change of custody based upon such interference. The article will then examine specific acts by a custodial parent which may cause a court to change custody, including denial of visitation rights, alienation of the child's affections away from the noncustodial parent, and removal of the child to a distant jurisdiction. The section on alienation of the child's affections includes a discussion of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and recent cases that have dealt with PAS. The article concludes with a suggestion of possible provisions that practitioners may insert in custody decrees in order to prevent future problems between custodial and noncustodial parents.

II. Interference Amounting to a Substantial Change in Circumstances

Most courts and experts agree that except in unusual cases it is most important for a child to have a strong relationship with both parents. Thus, courts will typically conclude that an award of custody to the parent who is most likely to foster a relationship between the child and the other parent is in the child's best interests. For this reason, if a custodial parent has demonstrated in the past a pattern of interference with the relationship between the child and the noncustodial parent, unless other facts dictate a different holding, courts will frequently conclude that a substantial change in circumstances justifying a change of custody has occurred.

Not surprisingly, there is a long-standing tradition of awarding a change of custody where the custodial parent has interfered with the parental rights of the other parent. The Court of Appeals of Maryland clearly established this point in Berlin v. Berlin, 239 Md. 52, 210 A.2d 380 (1965). In Berlin, the parties entered into a written separation agreement. Pursuant to the agreement, incorporated into the court's order, custody of the children was awarded to the mother, and the father received reasonable visitation rights. In addition, the parties also agreed that the mother would notify the father if the mother moved out of the Washington metropolitan area. Subsequently, the mother began denying the father his right to visitation. For this reason, the father requested a change in custody. The trial court granted the father's request, and the mother appealed. [...]

V. Conclusion

As the authority cited in this memorandum indicates, while obstruction of the noncustodial parent's relationship with the child will often lead to a change in custody, such a change is not guaranteed. Courts appear to recognize that the detriment to a child caused by occasional failures to turn a child over for visitation does not automatically require a change of custody. See Humphrey v. Humphrey, 888 S.W.2d 342 (Mo.Ct.App.1994) (no change of custody was warranted where mother failed to honor father's visitation rights on only one occasion). If, however, a custodial parent has developed a pattern of refusing to allow visitation or otherwise interfering with the noncustodial parent's relationship with the child, the court should award a change in custody. E.g., Sullivan v. Sullivan, 216 A.D.2d 627, 627 N.Y.S.2d 829 (1995) (modification of custody was justified where mother consistently violated court-ordered visitation and telephone contact).

In order to prevent a child's relationship with the noncustodial parent from deteriorating, certain provisions should be standard in every custody decree. First, every decree should require each person with a right to custody or visitation to foster the relationship between the child and other persons who have a right to custody or visitation. Second, every decree should state that persons who have custodial or visitation rights should not speak ill of another person who has custodial or visitation rights. Third, practitioners should consider placing restrictions on a custodial parent's right to relocate without informing the court or the noncustodial parent. Otherwise, similarly to the father in In re Marriage of McDole, supra, the noncustodial parent may surprisingly discover that the custodial parent has left the jurisdiction without a forwarding address.

These three provisions will not guarantee that no problems with custody or visitation will occur. Rather, a custodial parent who desires to destroy the relationship of the child with the noncustodial parent will succeed unless stopped. If, however, the above provisions are inserted into the decree, a violation of a specific provision could lead to a contempt citation. While not a panacea, the above three provisions may give the noncustodial parent the extra edge which he or she may need in a postdissolution custody proceeding. Furthermore, since the provisions encourage a strong relationship between both parents and the child, such provisions are generally in the child's best interests.

Schlesinger Twins:Rabbi Jacobs of Birmingham supports Beth

Baltimore mayor under pressure after 'space to destroy' remark - views the "T" word insulting as the "N" word

The Guardian

Pressure was growing on Tuesday on Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake to lead the city away from violence after she was accused of delaying an emergency response and making statements alternately criticized as inciting riotous protests and dismissing protesters’ concerns.

At a news conference, Rawlings-Blake said she had ordered police to “give those who wished to destroy space to do that”.

On Monday night she made a testy appearance at a news conference in which she referred twice to protesters as “thugs”.

The mayor’s office later said Rawlings-Blake’s comments on Sunday had been misunderstood. “The mayor is not saying that she asked police to give space to people who sought to create violence,” the office said in a statement. “Any suggestion otherwise would be a misinterpretation of her statement.” 

Baltimore was the scene of violent clashes on Monday between protesters and police after a funeral for Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old man who died on 19 April from an unexplained spinal injury sustained while in police custody. At least 27 people were arrested and 15 police officers were injured, according to officials. [...]
=========================================

Baltimore Mayor Apologizes For Calling Protesters 'Thugs'

Huffington Post

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D) is walking back critical comments she made about the violent protests in response to the death of Freddie Gray.

During the height of the protests on Monday, Rawlings-Blake referred to the protesters as "thugs" in a press conference.

"What we see tonight ... is very disturbing," she said Monday evening, the same day a funeral was held for the 25-year-old who died in police custody. "It is very clear that there's a difference between what we saw last week between the peaceful protests ... and the thugs, who only want to incite violence and destroy our city. I'm a life-long resident of Baltimore. Too many generations have spent their lives building up this city to have it destroyed by thugs, who in a very senseless way are trying to tear down what so many have fought for."

On Wednesday, she apologized on Twitter.

"I wanted to clarify my comments on 'thugs.' When you speak out of frustration and anger, one can say things in a way that you don't mean," she wrote. "That night we saw misguided young people who need to be held accountable, but who also need support. And my comments then didn't convey that."

Many who took issue with Rawlings-Blake's use of "thugs," including some of her fellow city leaders, argued that the word is racially charged. Baltimore City Councilman Carl Stokes suggested on Tuesday night that instead of calling the protesters "thugs," she may as well have used the n-word. [...]

Rav Sternbuch: Saving others from sin - Paying compensation after breaking a computer used to watch pornography

 Update: Added example of vigilante justice regarding the beating of an elderly woman as the result of mistaken allegations that she was involved in Nachlaot pedophile ring.

This teshuva (volume 6 # 292) is relevant in many situation where a person sees something seriously wrong and acts to prevent sin or harm to others. Is a psak needed? Is compensation required? This gemora (Bava Kama 28a) has been applied to a diverse numbers of situations - a teaching taking away a phone or gadget from a student, wife beating, husband beating for refusing to give a get, attacks on individuals who are viewed as threats to community, destroying a woman's sheitel or clothing viewed as immodest It involves attacking another person or his property because he has a different set of standards which the assailant views as sinful. A related issue is whether the owner of the computer has the right to defend his property against the attack and whether he needs to pay compensation for damaging the righteous assailant and his property.

In short this deals with parameters of vigilante justice

--

==================================

Vigilante justice - a 72 year old woman was severely beaten - because of mistaken belief she was involved in the Nachlaot Pedophile panic - and it was believed that the police would not handle the matter properly. See the video  below. The story is the second one on the news report

I was told that the judge accepted Rav Shapiro's explanation of his words and the charges against him were dropped.

Nana10

הרב משה שפירא אמר לארבעה מחסידיו לתקוף קשישה בת 72. הוא האשים אותה במעורבות בפרשת הפדופיליה שהייתה בשכונת נחלאות בירושלים לפני שנתיים וחצי. "צריך להכות אותה עד לאשפוז, לא יהיה איכפת לי אם לא יהיה את מי לאשפז"
הרב משה שפירא, העומד בראש קהילה גדולה של חוזרים בתשובה בירושלים, אמר לארבעה מחסידיו לתקוף קשישה בת 72. בתיעוד שניתן לחדשות10 נראה הרב אומר: "צריך פשוט להכות אותה עד לאשפוז, וגם לא יהיה איכפת אם לא יהיה את מי לאשפז".

לפני כשנתיים וחצי הסעירה פרשת פדופיליה שהתרחשה בשכונת נחלאות בירושלים את הקהילה החרדית בשכונה. המשטרה עצרה שלושה חשודים במעשה, אך בקהילה נוצר חשד שהמעשים בוצעו בדירתה של ש', הקשישה שהותקפה. "צריך להיכנס אליה הביתה ולהחריב אותו. נכנסים כמה גברתנים רעולי פנים ועושים שם שמות, לוקחים גרזנים והורסים את הכל", הוסיף שפירא
לאחר שהבהיר בפני חסידיו כי אי אפשר לסמוך על המשטרה ועל הראיות שהשיגו, החליטו ארבעה מהם, אבות לילדים שהותקפו מינית לכאורה בפרשה, לתקוף את ש'. הם נכנסו לביתה, היכו אותה בכל חלקי גופה, כפתו אותה באזיקונים, חקרו אותה והמשיכו להלום בה עד שרגלה נשברה<

"