Top five regrets of the dying

Guardian

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

Rabbeinu Yonah: Ma'us alei - Mitzva to divorce wife

Talmidim of Rabbeinu Yona (Shita Mekubetzes Kesubos 64a): Rabbeinu Yona wrote, "Even though we don't force a man to give a get when the wife says he is ma'us alei (disgusting to me) - that is only referring to forcing him by beating him with staffs. However beis din informs him that he has a mitzva to divorce her and they advise him to divorce her. And if he doesn't not in fact divorce her then this is a case of when a person transgresses the words of the rabbis that it is permitted to call him a sinner. However Rabbeinu Tam disagreed and said that even this we don't say to him but if he should come to ask whether he should divorce her without her getting the kesuba then beis din gives him the advice that he should divorce her immediately. Rabbeinu Yona also wrote that there is an opinion that after 12 months he should be forced to divorce her with staffs. However our teacher said that we never force him with staffs but rather after 12 months he is commanded to divorce her and if he doesn't divorce her than he is called a sinner as we mentioned above. But if we  forced him to divorce her then it is a get me'usa by Jews that is invalid.
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Rav Ovadiya Yosef (Yabia Omer E.H. 3:18.13) : And in truth even according to the view of the poskim who hold that one does not force the husband to give a get when she claims ma'us alei, nevertheless there is a view that says there is a mitzva for the husband to divorce her and surely when there is a concern that because of the delay in get a get she will go off the derech. As we find in Shita Mekubetes (Kesubos 64)," Rabbeinu Yona wrote, "Even though we don't force a man to give a get when the wife says he is ma'us alei (disgusting to me) - that is only referring to forcing him by beating him with staffs. However beis din informs him that he has a mitzva to divorce her and they advise him to divorce her. And if he doesn't not in fact divorce her then this is a case of when a person transgresses the words of the rabbis that it is permitted to call him a sinner. However Rabbeinu Tam disagreed and said that even this we don't say to him but if he should come to ask whether he should divorce her without her getting the kesuba then beis din gives him the advice that he should divorce her immediately." Furthermore the Rema (Y.D. 248:20) writes that when the wife says ma'us alei the husband is obligated to divorce her. The Taz notes that the Rema here is only reporting the view of the Rambam but the Rema's true view is recorded in E.H. 77 where he doesn't mention that the husband should be forced to divorce her. But according to what we have said the words of the Rema (Y.D. 248.20) has a solid basis and that is the words of Rabbeinu Yonah. This is also noted by my friend the Tzitz Eliezar (5:26.4) based on the Noda B'Yehuda Kama (YD 68) who brings the words of the Rema as halacha l'maaseh and foundation principle. He notes that there is a basis to utilize this view at times of need according to the specific facts and needs of the time and appropriateness - depending on the evaluation of the beis din. I also say that in contemporary society with the degradation of the generations in free countries where every man does what he thinks is correct and there is a great increase in arrogance in the world and experience has taught that when a woman leaves her husband with the claim of ma'us alei and she is in limbo without receiving a get - that she will go and live with other men without the slightest shame or sense of embarrasment. As a result there is an increase in mamzerim in the world. In such a case we say that their degradation is to their benefit. This is expressed by the Ramban (Kesubos 63b), "Chas V'Shalom I am not arguing against the decree of the Gaonim to force him to divorce his wife and not only that but I strongly criticize those who say that it is not correct to follow their decrees but only the law as stated in the Talmud. In fact it is correct to listen to the Gaonim and to follow their decrees. Nevertheless now it is best to be very concern not to follow their decree because it has been abrogated because of the immorality of the generation." In other words in the time of the Ramban, even though women then had the brazeness to claim ma'us alei but they did not reach the extreme of chutpza to live with another man without recieving a get as we find in our days. But in the days before Moshiach as we are in now it is extremely relevant to considering returning to the decree of the Gaonim. And this is surely true when she is young and there is a real concern that she will go off the derech and there isn't much chance that she will return to her husband. Therefore it would appear that those who want to do something to force the husband to give a get have a solid basis for that decision. That is because the concerns that existed at the time of the Gaonim that the woman might go off the derech have returned. [In the time of the Gaonim the concern was that the woman would convert to Christianitity for Islam rather than face end her days as an anguna]. Thus we see that whether the get should be forced or not is dependent on the particular time and era. And thus I have seen the gedol hador - Rav Chaim Palaggi in his Chaim v'Shalom (2:35) where he writes regarding forcing the husband that the view of a number of poskim including the Beis Yosef that the husband should not be forced to give a get. He writes, "Nevertheless acording to everyone agrees that the woman is not forced to live with the husband. Therefore after a year or two after the time that they have separated from each other it would appear that he should be forced to divorce her. That is because there are two factors.  The man is not able to exist without a wife and the wife herself is not able to be without a husband. And this is surely true where she is young that we have to be concerned for disasterous results when she is chained as an aguna. Just look at how lenient the poskim are concerning preventing agunos in particular when she is young until they even go the extreme of relying on a minority opinion.  And surely the obligation lies on every dayan to be lenient is this manner in order to avoid trouble for both the man and the woman."

Rav Chaim Palaggi is a great tree that one can rely on and surely in our day. And it is the same thing in cases where it is possible to combine various disputes of the poskim besides the claim of ma'us alei to be lenient. Also study Chaim V' Shalom (2:112), If there is a dispute between a husband and wife and the wife wants to be divorced and the husband refuses - one should establish a limited time for the matter to be resolved. And if we wait until 18 months  and we have despaired of reconcilliation and it appears to beis din that there is nothing more than can be done for the marriage - they should separate the couple and force the husband to give a get until he proclaim,I want to give it.All of this that I have written is for the honor of G-d and His Torah."
 It is possible that Rav Palaggi is not talking about forcing with clubs but rather just calling him a sinner or similar techniques which is in accord with the view of Rabbeinu Yona and the Rema which we mentioned before.
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Importance of husband being boss:Chesed l'Avraham

[[Translation from Daas Torah- copyrighted]]

Chesed L’ Avraham (Maayin 4: Nahar 48): You should know that Shir HaShirim is concerned with the issue of chasan and kallah. The chasan alludes to the Shechinah (Divine Presence) and the kallah to the Jewish people. It is known that all the attributes of G‑d are measure for measure. In other words to the degree that a person conducts himself in relationship to G‑d so too will his wife conduct herself in relationship to him. That is why our Sages say that if a man merits it then his wife assists him but if he doesn’t merit it then she will be his opponent. She will rebel against him when he rebels against G‑d. But this principle is only relevant for tzadikim. Consequently every ben Torah whose wife does not obey him has no right to complain because he brought this on himself. In contrast, the wicked have their lives conducted on the basis of natural phenomenon and their wives obey them when they are afraid of them.

You should know that it is not appropriate that the wife should be seated on the right side of her husband but only on the left side. However the kallah at the chupah at the time when the sheva berachos (7 blessings) are being recited, it is necessay for the kallah to be standing on the right side of the chasan...The reason for this that there is a major segula (remedy) that if the chasan is careful to place his right foot on the kallah’s left foot at the time of the sheva berachos, he that succeeds at this is more likely to be able to rule over his wife for his whole life and she will be subservient to him and obedient to his every word. However if the kallah is careful to place her left foot on the chasan’s right foot – then she will rule over him all her life. There was an incident in which the chasan placed his right foot on the left foot of his kallah during sheva berachos in order that he should rule over her. When the kallah told her father about this he taught her and cautioned her that the time of the first intercourse that she should ask the chasan to bring to her a pitcher of water and by means of this it would cause that she should rule over him all of her day. This is a segula (remedy) to nullify the effects of the segula (remedy) of placing his right foot to rule over the kallah....

The basis of this segula is that the woman is from the left side and her conduct is based on the strict level of right and wrong which is difficult. In such a house run by the strict level of justice there is no lack of sickness and poverty and something else. Happy is the household that is run by the man because it is as if it is run by the attribute of mercy. Consequently there will be no bad happenings that will happen in that household because the Shechina (Divine Presence) is manifest in a house which is conducted according to the attribute of mercy. You should also know that there are three types of gevura (might) in man. The first is the might which is involved in conquering many lands. The second type is even greater than the first and is the gevura in controlling his wife. The third which is the hardest is the gevura in controlling his evil inclination.

Otzer HaPoskim:Kuntres Ma'us Alei & Forced Get

This morning I had a chance to sit down with Otzer HaPoskim which effectively collects and collates all the issues that we have been dealing with here. For those who would really like to get to the bottom line on the topic of the use of force when the woman says she can't stand her husband - look at the last volume dealing with Shulchan Aruch (E. H. 77:2). There you will find a 36 pages  kuntres of the relevant sources. The issue of the suffering of the woman vs the stablity of the institution of marriage is there. The problem of the rights of the husband versus the real problem that women will give up yiddishkeit if trapped in a unhappy marriage. The problem of the availability of heterim and their use when the wife simply gets bored with her husband or finds another man who is more interesting. There is also a section of whether the problem of get me'usa is a concern only l'chatichila or even bedieved. In other words if the woman remarries do we force the second husband to divorce her because we are afraid that the first get was posul. I also found the Rav Chaim Palaggi that had been mentioned as well as an interesting Rabbeinu Yonah [to be continued]

Israeli-Arabs move into Jewish neighborhoods

Tablet Magazine

In the Jewish state, Jews and Arabs generally live separately. Even in so-called mixed cities like Haifa, Akko, Jaffa, Lod, Ramle, and Jerusalem—whose heterogeneous populations predate statehood—there are Arab neighborhoods and Jewish ones. It’s unusual to find members of the two communities living on the same block, let alone in the same apartment building.

Most people seem to like it this way. Even for those who consider themselves liberals, their ideal is more often “separate but equal” than equal and integrated. But in recent years, things have been changing, if only because conditions in Arab municipalities are anything but equal to those in Jewish towns.

Prof. Aziz Haidar discovered just to what extent several years ago, when he and his colleagues at the Jerusalem Van Leer Institute began mapping the Arab citizenry of Israel. They started with the raw population statistics compiled by the Central Bureau of Statistics, but when they added up the numbers of Arabs living in all the country’s Arab municipalities and in its mixed cities, “we discovered that there were 60,000 missing,” he said. That is, that the sum they arrived at was 60,000 less than the total number of Israelis classified in their identity cards as Arabs—in 2010, some 1.5 million. “It turned out,” Haidar said, “that they were living in Jewish cities. That was a big surprise.”

Spitzer sentenced to 7 years for arson attack

lohud

Shaul Spitzer, a follower of the New Square grand rebbe, has been sentenced to seven years in prison for first-degree assault in the attack on Aron Rottenberg at 4:15 a.m. May 22 during an attempt to burn down the family's home on Truman Avenue in New Square.

Spitzer was sentenced this morning in state Supreme Court in New City.

Rottenberg, 44, once a plumber, continues to recover from third-degree burns over 50 percent of his body, suffered when Spitzer set off an incediary device while grappling with Rottenberg. Spitzer suffered burns to his hands and arms.

Koran Giveaway in Germany is problematic

NYTimes

BERLIN — A drive by a fundamentalist Muslim group to give a copy of the Koran to every German, Swiss and Austrian household has tapped into the widespread anti-Islamic feeling in Germany and created an uproar among politicians and security officials concerned that the group handing out the holy books is using the campaign as a cover to recruit radicals. 

There is nothing illegal about distributing religious works in Germany — it is a frequent practice of Scientologists and Hare Krishnas, not to mention Christians — but officials are worried about who is doing the distributing. 

The Koran campaign is the brainchild of Ibrahim Abou-Nagie, a Palestinian who preaches a fiery conservative brand of Islam known as Salafism.

Disabilities Act Used by Lawyers in Flood of Suits

NYTimes

A small cadre of lawyers, some from out of state, are using New York City’s age and architectural quirkiness as the foundation for a flood of lawsuits citing violations of the Americans With Disabilities Act. 

The lawyers are generally not acting on existing complaints from people with disabilities. Instead, they identify local businesses, like bagel shops and delis, that are not in compliance with the law, and then aggressively recruit plaintiffs from advocacy groups for people with disabilities. 

The plaintiffs typically collect $500 for each suit, and each plaintiff can be used several times over. The lawyers, meanwhile, make several thousands of dollars, because the civil rights law entitles them to legal fees from the noncompliant businesses.

Chin inplants - up 71% in 2011

CBC

Cosmetic chin surgery is on the rise among women and men in the United States, most notably in people over the age of 40.

The number of "chinplants" increased 71 per cent between 2010 and 2011 according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) - faster than breast augmentation, Botox and liposuction combined

Get Me'usa: L'chatchila vs. Bedieved????

A simple question has been raised. It seems that even though there are rishonim who allow pressure of various types for a man to give his wife a get - the Achronim require being very cautious because of the possibility the get was not given freely. In short they are choshesh that the pressure produced a get me'usa and thus is invalid.  

What happens if the concerns are ignored. It apparently means at most that there is the possibility that the get is invalid but it is not certain. It also means that we are concerned at most with the possibility that someone might not want to marry the woman - but not that the children are in fact mamzerim. Thus if woman want to take the chance that they might lose a part of the population as possible husbands - what is wrong with allowing this to happen - especially she has a number of major rabbis advocating she do so?

Fired Ramaz nurse can sue for reporting abuse

Forward

A former school nurse at the Ramaz School in New York who says she was fired for reporting a possible case of child abuse can sue the school under the state’s whistleblower law.

The New York State Court of Appeals court ruled April 12 in a 3-2 vote that Joyce Villarin can sue the school for retaliatory termination, upholding a 2010 decision from Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Milton Tingling.

Ramaz encouraged Villarin, who had been working at the school for a year when the incident occurred, not to report the incident to authorities. She was fired in April 2008 after reporting the incident because the school said she was “not a team player.”

Jailing rape victim to ensure testimony

NYTimes

 In a case that has pitted law-enforcement officials against advocates of victims’ rights, prosecutors in Sacramento County, Calif., have detained a 17-year-old girl for twice failing to appear in court to testify against the man accused of raping her. 

The prosecutors say that testimony from the teenager, who twice ran away from a foster home before scheduled court appearances, is critical in the upcoming trial against a man who has a long criminal record and is also suspected of raping at least one other woman. But the teenager’s lawyer and victims’ advocates say that the detention would discourage others, especially those who have been sexually assaulted, from coming forward. They described the move as a setback in a state with some of the country’s strongest laws protecting victims.

Muslims on Wall Street, Bridging Two Traditions

NYTimes

Young Muslims, one of the newest groups to make inroads in American finance, can face steep barriers to entry. Some obstacles are remnants of a less tolerant era. But prominent, too, are the limitations of Islam itself — a faith whose tenets, Muslim workers say, often seem at odds with Wall Street’s sometimes bacchanalian culture. 

Granted, for the many Muslims in New York and elsewhere who have made peace with a more secular culture, working on Wall Street may not pose any problem. And Muslims, of course, aren’t the only ones whose values can clash with the ways of Wall Street. Orthodox Jews, conservative Christians and other faithful working in finance have all, at one point, had to square their beliefs and practices with an environment in which money, not God, is king. 

But for observant Muslims hoping to keep the values and practices of Islamic law, known as Sharia, intact even as they climb the ladder, the calculus can be messy.

Chazon Ish: Rare video

The Chazon Ish from Lakewood246 on Vimeo.