Wife as supervisor (mashgiach) regarding religious issues of husband?

 A common source of shalom bayis problems is the wife's belief that not only is she more knowledgable in religious issues but that her job is to supervise her husband in religious matters. Often the first week after the wedding she discovers that her super brilliant masmid sleeps late after a long learning session and doesn't always make minyan.

This comes from several sources 1 ) she probably does know more hasgafa (theology) and practical halacha. Because that is what she spent her education in seminary focuses  on. As opposed to yeshiva which is primarily interested in gemora. 2) She was told that a proper wife is an ezer kenegdo as stated in Yevamos. 3) There is an inherent issue in frum circles of finding that the behavior of others is inadequate  4) there is peer pressure that her husband needs to be at least as good if not beter than that of her friends and relatives husband. In America Rav Shecter prohibited young couples from sicializing because it was a major source of fights. "Her husband goes to vasikin everyday." "Her husband just completed Shas." "Her husband puts the children to sleep every night and takes out the trash and garbage." "Her husband doesn't have a smartphone or unfiltered internet." "Her husband is rosh kollel and never liiks at the New York Times." 5) nagging put downs are a very bad way to try and change someone's behavior.

 

Yevamos (063a): Rav Eleazar asked what was the meaning of Bereishis (2:18): I will make him a help opponent? It means that if he is worthy she will help him while if he is not worthy she will be his opponent…. Rav Yosse met Eliyahu and asked him in what way will the wife help the husband? Eliyahu replied that a when a man brings what – does he chew the wheat? If he has flax does he wear the flax? Thus we find that the wife brings light to his eyes and stands him on his feet.\

Bava Metzia (059a): Rav said that whoever follows his wife’s advice will go to Hell as we learn from Achav who followed his wife Isabel’s advice (Melachim 1 21:25). Rav Papa objected to Abaye by noting there is a folk expression, “If you have a short wife bend down to hear her whisper?” That is not a contradiction; it is only problematic to listen to a wife’s advice in matters of religion while it is desirable to listen to her in worldly matters.

 Rav Sternbuch A man doesn’t want a mashgiach (supervisor) for a wife.

 Aruch HaShulchan (C.M. 228:1): And man needs to always be very careful about his wife’s feelings since a woman is soft hearted and readily cries. And thus our Sages 59a] said that a man should always be concerned about his wife’s honor because blessing is not found in his house except for his wife’s sake. However that is specifically concerning household issues or worldly matters that he needs to listen to her. However concerning heavenly matters, if she restrains him from the path of good, it is prohibited to listen to her. Whoever goes in the path after the advice of his wife concerning heavenly matters concerning restraint in doing mitzvos will fall into Hell.

Rabbeinu Bachye (Bamidbar 16:01): ... there were two extremely wealthy men in history one was a Jew and the other was a non-Jew, Korach was Jewish and Haman was a non-Jew. Because they listen to their wives they met their downfall. ... Haman had listened to his wife’s advice to build a gallows and ask the King’s permission to hang Mordechai from it (Esther 5,14). As a result of accepting his wife’s advice he himself was hung on that gallows. Korach had also listened to the advice of his wife and as a result lost his life and all his wealth.

 

 Netziv (Bereishis 02:18.1)Ezer Kenegdo – We discussed the plain meaning. There is a well-known medrash that Rashi cites which interprets this phrase to mean if he is deserving she will help him but if not she will be opposed to him. However even according to this medrash the wife as not created  to distress him so how is it possible to understand this phrase as being either a helper or opponent? It means the she should provide helpful opposition. For example if a person is prone to show anger and upset. If his wife supports and encourages him in this, even though at the time of anger he enjoys her agreement and support but later when he calms down he will be upset that his wife added fire and wood to his anger and upset and thus she actually was detrimental(kenegdo). In contrast if she would have opposed him initially and attempted to calm and placate him, even though it appears at that moment as opposition but she is in fact providing him with true help. The same can be said with all his other traits. Thus the meaning of ezer kenegdo is she should provide him with helpful opposition