Maharal (Bava
Metzia 59a): Rav said that a person should always be carefully not to oppress
his wife because she is sensitive and readily cries so it is easy to make
her feel oppressed. Thus we see that it is only his wife that he needs to
be exceedingly careful not to hurt her feelings since she is ruled by him and
therefore is much more likely to cry than other people who are not so easily
oppressed. In other words because his wife is under his control she is more
likely to be hurt by his words and cry when he wrongs her. In contrast a non‑Jewish
slave is by nature not so affected by oppression and even a female Jewish slave
does not readily cry because she has accepted the servitude to her master.
Furthermore a female slave was not created for the purpose of being under his
domain. It is only the wife who was created to be under the rule of her husband
and as it says (Bereishis 3:16), And he shall rule over you.
T
herefore when she is oppressed it has a very strong impact on her.
Furthermore in truth a wife does not accept being ruled by her husband because
she views herself as his equal. In contrast a slave fully accepts that his
master rules over him and therefore is not impacted as much as a wife who views
herself as important and therefore is devastated when she is not treated with
care.
This Maharal doesn't say to treat a wife as an equal. It says to treat her with care (i.e. nicely). It says a husband is his wife's ruler.
ReplyDeleteHe says the tears and the pain are the result of not being treated equally. That she does not accept her subservience to her husband
DeleteHe indeed says that she's not keen on accepting his rule and thinks of herself as his equal. But he clearly says that she is under his control and he quotes the Torah (in Bereishis) saying that "the wife who was created to be under the rule of her husband" ... "And he shall rule over you."
Deleteyes he is the boss. but the Maharal is explaining why she cries easily and therefore why he must be careful. The gemora is stating the husband should avoid making her cry. She cries easily because he is the boss and she doesn't accept it. Solution - don't be bossy but treat her with respect - even though she is subservient to him.
DeleteMenorath Hammaor: speaks about a wise mother who, while accompanying her daughter to her husband’s home, told her daughter the following: “My beloved daughter, when you stand in front of your husband, imagine that you are standing in front of the king. If you will be his hand maid, he will be your servant and honor you as royalty. If you rule over him, he will rule over you against your will, and look down upon you like a maidservant.”
ReplyDeleteDoes this imply that a wife sets the tone of the marital relationship?
Also, what advice would the Torah give to husbands of 'modern' women who refuse to acknowlege any obligation to serve her husband, even when he is not bossy at all? Or more, wants to rule over him by being a bossy wife?
מנורת המאור פרק י - נישואי אשה עמוד 34
Deleteמעשה באשה אחת שעשתה חופה לבתה. ובשעה שהיתה מולכת אותה לבית החתן, אומרת לה, בתי, עמדי לפני בעליך ותשרתנו באימה, ואז ישפיל הוא את עצמו עמך, ויהיה לך כעבד, ויכבדך כגבירה. ואם תתגדלי עליו, אז יתגדל גם הוא עליך, ולא יחשוב אותך למאומה, ויהיה לך לאדון, ותהיה בעיניו נקלה כאחת השפחות.
"Also, what advice would the Torah give to husbands of 'modern' women who refuse to acknowlege any obligation to serve her husband, even when he is not bossy at all? Or more, wants to rule over him by being a bossy wife?"
ReplyDeleteThe same thing the Torah would advise someone who refuses to serve G-d. Or refuses to follow Taharas Hamishpacha.
"Furthermore in truth a wife does not accept being ruled by her husband because she views herself as his equal."
ReplyDeleteThe fact that this is the reality the Maharal saw in 16th century Prague is fascinating.
It says he is still the authority even though she may not accept it.
DeletePuleez. I've met plenty of women who are bossy by nature. Hashem in His wisdom matches them with weak men who desire to be controlled. You've met some too, I"ll bet. Likewise, I've met tyrannical husbands and their wives who want to be told what to do. As with every middah, the ideal is the middle path. In a healthy marriage there is no need for either spouse to be the boss, even if the scales of power IN SOME AREAS OF MARRIED LIFE are tilted towards one. In an ideal "modern marriage" there is a meeting of minds, shared goals, and a mutual desire to achieve those goals while maintaining peace in the home. Any man who is hung up on being proclaimed lord and master is more interested in power and honor than shalom bayis.
ReplyDeleteBunsa: You are arguing against the Torah, as the sources say a husband rules his wife. (Heck, it says as much in the Torah itself, in Bereishis.)
DeleteJust because he CAN doesn't mean he SHOULD. A wise husband doesn't need to act bossy.
DeleteYou like using the Torah as a support. So do I. It says in the Torah (Bereishis too) that Hashem told Avraham to listen to Sara. And when it was time for Yakov to leave Lavan's house, he wasn't hung up on being the boss, either. He could have commanded Rachel and Leah to pack up and leave but he didn't. The Torah describes how he explained to them why he wanted to leave. Then the Torah repeats their words, which could either be interpreted as agreement or permission, neither of which should be necessary if a husband "rules his wife".
DeleteAnd if the Torah gives husbands complete power over their wives, then the men in the midbar would have demanded that their wives turn over their jewelry to make the eigel. Conversely, the wives would have been punished for being disobedient. On the contrary, they were rewarded (with Rosh Chodesh) for their independent refusals.
Bunsa: The Torah doesn't merely say that a husband "can" rule his wife. The Torah says a husband does rule his wife.
DeleteIt is a matter of nature.
No one is saying a husband should't appease his wife. In fact, everyone agrees a husband should appease her whenever possible and listen to her input. Nevertheless, at the end of the day the decision is his.
DeleteThis is a fact of nature, the normal husband and wife relationship, and specifically told to us by the Torah and the many meforshim on the Torah.
Well, then, since a husband "does rule his wife" and it's a "fact of nature", then this whole discussion is moot, as no wives assert themselves and no husbands bully their wives and everyone is happy and satisfied as a "matter of nature". Can't imagine why DT would bother wasting our time analyzing something that isn't even a problem.
Delete"Nevertheless, at the end of the day the decision is his."
DeleteWhich decision is that? Whether to replace three cups of white flour with whole wheat in the challah recipe? Whether or not to insist a child stop doing homework and help in the kitchen? Whether she should call her sister before her sister-in-law, since the latter is so sensitive? Whether to help a child with a project or let the child make his own mistakes?
Whether to use the white napkins with the silver trim or the cream napkins with the gold trim?
Since all minhagim follow the husband's mesorah, of which decisions do you speak?