Marriage - Pele Yo'etz

 Pele Yoetz (Love between husband and wife):The love between a man and his wife is something that of necessity must be strong. We will start with the love that a man should have for his wife because the statement of our Sages(62a)is well known that a man is obligated to love her as he loves himself and to honor her more than himself. . This seems unnecessary to say because he will not withhold his love for her in his service of G-d. Our Sages (Avos 1:5) also cautioned us. Don’t have a lot of superficial chatter with women and they said this about one’s wife. Because whoever has excessive chatter with women causes evil to himself and is idle from the study of Torah and will result in going to Hell. Our Sages (Bava Metzia 59a) also said, One who follows the advice of his wife will fall into Hell. Consequently all intelligent men should develop a balance as they says (Sanhedrin 107b) also say that it should be that the weak left hand pushes away while the stronger right pulls closer. The main love is spiritual love and therefore he has the responsibility to direct her gently and pleasantly regarding proper modesty and keep her away from lashon harah and anger and cursing as well as saying G-d’s name in vain. the finer details of mitzvos, prayers and berachos, Shabbos observing. and other similar things. It would also be a nice idea to teach her mussar and statements of our Sages that are relevant to her. If this is done she will develop a sensitivity to these things greater than that of a man It is unnecessary to say that someone who has an intelligent wife, a gift from G-d, has a good wife. Certainly a thread of grace is upon her and she is beloved to her husband. In contrast a man with a bad wife needs to be very careful. He needs to see this as a Divine test and he needs to strengthen his resolve to deal with her peacefully and with friendship to respect the Divine Presence. These are subjects of ancient wisdom. A person should be aware that even among eminent men the "fire has fallen". To the extent that our Sages noted (Yevamot 63a), "… It is enough that they save us from iniquity and raise our children to Torah." A person should also be aware of the saying of our Sages (Shabbos 33b), "The minds of woman are light." People say, "A woman's hair is long and her mind is short." Therefore, intelligence must originate with him. If she violates his will and angers him, he must control his emotions so that he does not become angry with her, and it need not be said to shame, curse, or strike her, G-d forbid!  This is the practice of boors and frivolous and rash individuals – in actuality he hurts himself! Only chastise her with sweet and gentle words. In any case he should bear the yoke and be insulted rather than insulting, and accept upon himself the judgment of Heaven with joy – because each woman is sent to a man from G-d. According to what our Sages (Eruvin 41b) say, "Someone who has a bad wife will not see Hell", therefore it is even proper to want to have a bad wife, if he can withstand the test to avoid the severe judgment of Hell. If he passes the test, then he will not inherit two Gehinoms (one in this world and one in the World to Come)! Rather he should accept her with love and he will receive a good reward for his efforts. He also needs to arouse and strengthen his love for her in order that their children not be one of the nine categories "children of a hated one", Heaven forbid, and according to his efforts will be his gain.  One of the ways to prevent arguments in his house is not to be so seriously concerned with every penny of household expenditures because harsh as the grave is the jealousy of one woman to another. Therefore, each man according to his material blessing must increase the honor of his home at the proper time, and by doing so, appease his wife. For blessing does not reside in a man's home except for the sake of his wife (Baba Metzia 59a). So great is domestic peace that the holy name of G-d was allowed to be erased for it (Nedarim 66b). Therefore, even by sheer force must a man stand up to and remove evil from his house so that the Divine Presence will rest upon his home. Included in this love is that a man should not frequently travel far away.[..] How great is the obligation of a wife to love her husband, to honor him as a king to fear him, and to fulfill his will and desire with all of her strength. […]. Besides the need for a woman to be modest – “All the honor of the daughter of the king is within herself (Tehilim 45:14) – she must not cause men to sin with her eye and her heart. She needs to beautify herself for her husband and be cautious in regards to cleanliness, purity, and financial expenses, so that her husband does not go astray and place his eyes upon another woman. […] Just as a woman is careful in regards to Nidda, challah, and the lighting of candles, so too she must be diligent in regards to respect for her husband, as such is the command of the King unto her. Our Sages said, “There is no finer wife than the one who does the will of her husband.”[…] Therefore, all women should respect their husbands, be they great or small. There are senseless women who make issue with their husbands over their inability to provide for the needs of the house. It is tremendous folly in any case! If the husband is truly poor and he does not have adequate means, his pain, depression, shame, and embarrassment at having to reveal to his wife his deficiency is clearly sufficient anguish. The woman needs to be wise and should not add grief to his pain.[..]  Likewise, a woman needs to consider that when her husband gets angry at her for seemingly no reason, perhaps he suffered some disappointment in the marketplace, and in his overwhelming frustration and anger he spoke to her unbecomingly. As people are wont to say, “Whether he is able or not, a man will quarrel with his wife”. She needs to forbear, not to anger him, or cause him any more grief. This is a general rule – when there is an argument between people or between husband and wife, and one of them initiated the conflict by stepping out of bounds and opening his mouth without justification, the other individual must be strong enough not to respond at all – neither good nor bad – in the time of his anger. She must wait until his antagonism has passed, and, after a day or two, reprove him gently with soft speech. She should say to him, “Why did you do that to me? What are my crime and my wrongdoing that you pursue me with exceeding rage for no apparent reason? [..] A woman who has fallen in her lot unto an evil man – one who hits, curses, tramples, and violates her privacy, should accept upon herself the judgment of Heaven and suffer, never tiring of atoning for her soul, since great will be her reward in the World to Come. A woman of valor and profound intelligence will not reveal to others the disgrace of her husband, his bad character and nature, and her cry will not be heard. She thus saves her husband from disgrace, and he will not hate her more for having exposed his shame. Otherwise, his anger would smolder and his wrath would burn within him. He would strike her even more harshly than before. All the more so, she should not reveal to her father, mother, or siblings anything of her pain, oppression, and plight. [..] Therefore, if her father, mother, and relatives possess intelligence and understanding, even if her very difficult situation was told to them, they should pretend that they know nothing and greet him with a pleasant countenance for her good. Even if they want to voice their objection and to admonish him, they must seek a strategy to make it seem as if their information came from the neighbors who heard it by the window, etc. The best thing is that she should not reveal it at all, as we said, in order not to pain them and so that they will not hate him in their heart.[…] She should tell them that all is well in her home. It will be considered a meritorious act, for she will gladden her father’s, mother’s, and relatives’ hearts and she will be deserving of the ultimate good. It would be even better if she, herself reproved her husband at a favorable time with a pleasant, congenial, and kind voice. It will surely yield positive results, because, in truth, “Soft speech can break a bone” (Mishlei 25:15). She should pour out her soul before G-d day after day. Perhaps G-d will be gracious and answer her prayer to return her husband to the good path; and she, too, will find peace. Included in the love of a woman for her husband is that she should pray on his behalf to G-d. Since the heart of a woman is sensitive and her tears are near, if she prays to G-d from the innermost part of her heart, certainly her prayer will have an effect. A woman must also pray for her children, because in the well-being of her husband and children she will find peace. Who will have pity on them more than she?[…] A woman must be careful and vigilant not to cause Heavenly prosecution of her husband or to cry tears because of him. Granted that he is supposed to be more sensitive than she, as our Sages said (Baba Metzia 59a), “A husband must always be cautious in regards to hurting his wife, because since her tears are near, so is her pain. Quick is retribution to come upon one who causes her anguish and sorrow. ” Nevertheless, she too must consider that if evil befalls her husband, G-d forbid, she shares a primary responsibility and it is her life that is at stake.[…]She should be very careful in regard to the honor of her husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and cousins for the honor of G-d who commanded her to be attentive to the honor of her husband. To the extent that she is respectful towards her husband’s relatives, she provides contentment to her husband and will find favor in his eyes: It will be considered a mitzvah for her.[...]