Rav Wolbe (Igros Kodesh #3):

 Rav Wolbe (Igros Kodesh #3): I received your precious letter yesterday and I saw from it that you received my first letter, But I already sent you a second letter by registered mail. So I was sure more or less that you had already received it in the mean time.  regarding your comments to my letter I see you have mixed two issues together – lust and pleasure. In my sefer Alei Shor, I write that matza should be eaten with appetite or else it is considered gluttonous eating (achila gasa), In other words, if there is no hunger there is no appetite and this is not considered eating. Back to our topic, there needs to be lust (taava) and this needs to be aroused. But this has nothing to do with pleasure seeking, in fact the opposite is true since this is done only to fulfill the mitzva and also possibly from kindness that she should have pleasure. But definitely not to do anything for your own pleasure! However it is almost impossible not to have pleasure as I mentioned from one of the chassidic gedolim .All that you find from our Sages and Shulchan Aruch is to negate pleasure seeking! My dear friend please forgive me, but I think you are too eager to express opinions in these matters even though it is still not possible that you can clearly understand them or even that which I am writing to you.  But only while involved in doing it will these things become clear.  Forgive me my friend for not clarifying the views of the Ran and Tur and the other things you mentioned because my intent is not to be involved in a scholarly discussion, but only to clarify those topics about marriage which many, including great scholars are confused. After the wedding you will see that in fact that there is no dispute and both the Ran and the Tur are legitimate and valid views, So after what you have already presented in the first two letters you should focus on the practical. I already said that after the initial preparation i.e. prayer as  stated in the Siddur of Rav Yakov Emden i.e. the prayer of Ramban, you should speak with her words of love and support as indicated by the Ramban, Many young men think that this is not relevant to our generation. And therefore when they are with their wife in bed they are already burning with lust. Therefore it is impossible for them to speak more than about love - about drawing down a great soul or having children that are great and righteous, Their excuse is : “We are not on that spiritual level” I say that they simply don’t care that their children will be ignorant and coarse people and that they only want to satisfy their lust,!! In fact if they only can find the strength in their heart to say to their wife these elevated things, which will penetrate deeply into her heart and make a greater impression than the divrei Torah that they tell her during the Shabbos meal! This is the real sanctity of intercourse! Now lets talk about the actions rather than the words. Kissing and hugging to arouse lust in her. It is important to know that the male is aroused much faster than the female So when the man is burning with lust she has not been aroused at all. So it is with all things connected to intimacy it is necessary to be patient and not rush things but to continue the preliminaries of hugging and kissing until she is also aroused. Look at Rav Emden’s siddur where he gives instruction how to arouse her lust also look at Shabbos(140) where Rav Chisda gives instructions to his daughter. Also look at the Rokeach(Sanctity of seclusion),: All that a man wants to do with his wife he can do in order that he doesn’t look at other women. “ This is the true aspect of sanctity - that all other women in the world are like chickens in his eyes! There is one additional common  error that needs to be mentioned i.e. that only the man is an active participant while the woman is expected to be passive. In fact she also needs to be active. She needs to get accustomed to this that she should not be embarrassed to do to him what she wants. Because she also needs to actively arouse his lust.This is stated in the Zohar and is cited in Reishis Chochmah ‘to be warmed by the holy fire” that means one arouses the other and when he realizes that her lust is aroused then it is time to start intercourse i,e, to insert his penis entirely [ but he should be aware especially in the beginning that the hymen might still be partially present because it is removed slowly and so she might experience pain when he enters. Also be aware that in the effort to push inside he might prematurely ejaculate so the advice is to lubricate it with oil]. Regarding the statement “In the reward of the righteous that they wait on the stomach they will have male children.” That means to delay ejaculation at the end of intercourse in order to greatly increase her lust. This is also described as the woman producing seed first. If in fact intercourse is finished early because of premature ejaculation she is deprived of her prime sexual satisfaction and this can cause her to be upset.