Guest Post By Yaakov
Y. Freedman
There isn’t anyone I know who would argue
that we don’t live in challenging and troubling times in the Jewish community.
Hardly a day goes by that we don’t hear or
read about child abuse, nasty divorce cases, money scandals, and other horrible
stories which bring Chilul Hashem amongst us Jews and the goyim. Connected or
not, it has brought on what seems to be an escalating number of young people
from the Orthodox community who bitterly leave the fold and lose all hope and
desire for a religious life. It then further contributes to terrible
consequences whereby persons of both genders take the next step of leaving the
world. This is both so tragic and sad that it cries out loud for help from all
of us.
You may ask, what can the simple bystander
do? To start with, we must be informed about what’s happening around us despite
the heimishe papers trying to keep a tight lid on anything that casts a
negative light on our communities. Hiding one’s head like an ostrich in the
sand won’t make these reported or unreported problems vanish.
Second, we must be honest with ourselves and
be “don lekav zchus” people who go off the derech or behave different from what
we believe in. We must be willing to try to be “mekarev” people who seem lost
or troubled.
On the positive side, I’m amazed how every
day new kiruv organizations pop up, small and large, who bring a professional
approach to the masses that cannot bring themselves to even identify with
Yiddishkeit in the simplest ways. There are B”H talented individuals in Israel
and in America who have studied effective methods with which to deal with
troubled or unaffilated Jews to try to get them on solid footing and bring them
a meaningful religious life.
It is comforting to see good results coming
from dedicated persons who tirelessly and selfishlessly devote energy and time
to help others in need. But, it seems that it’s not enough to rely on others
alone. We must begin by changing our set ways and think outside the box for the
good of our brothers and sisters.
Which brings me to a letter that was brought
to my attention and which was publicized online. It was sent by a chasidishe
father to his daughter who went off the derech. Did he do the right thing?
Perhaps so. I can’t help but think we could be nearing the time when Eliyahu
Hanavi ushers in a new era of “V’heishiv Lev Avos Al Bonim V’Lev Bonim Al
Avoisom”.
Here’s the
letter from a chassidic dad to his adult OTD daughter.
My
dearest Suri,
As I
fasted today, I sat and reflected on what our fast is all about. Why was our
beautiful home in Yerushalayim destroyed? Why did the presence of Hashem leave
us? What did we do to drive ourselves into this long bitter golus?
I
always knew the answer, but I don't think I understood it as well as I do right
now. It was destroyed because we were judgmental of those who did not ACT the
way we wanted them to act.
We
were embarrassed of those who did not DRESS the way that we wanted them to
dress. We looked down at those that did not TALK the way we wanted them to
talk. And our misplaced ego caused us to think that we are better then they
are. This is what caused us to destroy ourselves completely. Without having a
ayin tovah, a favorable and understanding eye on those around us, we are not
deserving of having the divine presence of Hashem live among us. We threw
ourselves out with our self-righteous mindset.
Which
group of us caused the destruction? The ones "on the derech" or the
ones "off the derech"?
On
this I sit and cry... my eyes fill with tears... the epiphany just hit me like
a ton of bricks: It was not the ones wearing the jeans (as an example) that
caused the destruction, rather, it was the ones not wearing jeans who then
looked down upon those who wore the jeans! WE are the ones who destroyed the
beis Hamikdosh and we have not yet corrected our sin! In fact, with Torah and
mitzvos being so strong... we have perhaps even strengthened our sin... we have
taken it to a higher level.
I
look at myself... am I not part of the group who uses our beautiful religion to
look down at others? And if so, am I not the one responsible for our current
exile? What good is my fasting and sitting on a floor if I cannot face the
truth that "I" am currently responsible for this tragedy?!
I now
fully realize that it is not you and your friends who are preventing Moshiach
from coming... it is me and my friends!
I
wrote my own kinniss: Woe is to me for I have repeated and repeated the
original sin that caused the churban! Woe is to me for I have stabbed my own
flesh and blood! Woe is to me for I took the holy Torah that is supposed to be
sweet and peaceful "dirachehuh darchei NOAM vichal nesivosehuh SHALOM"
and I used it to form a dagger which I then used to stab you - and others -
over and over again!!
And
so after a long day of fasting and contemplation, I look back at the way that I
treated you and for this I now sit and cry. My dear sweet beloved Suri !! How
can I ever take back the pain that I caused you? How can I ever repay you for
the smiles and hugs that you so deserved... but didn't get from me because I
was too busy justifying to myself why it is OK for me to look down at you… to
judge you harshly… and to actively destroy the Bais Hamikdosh? How can I give
you back the lost years?
My
dear Suri, a long long long time ago, I looked into the future and dreamed
about the day that you would grow up, mature, learn right from wrong, wake up
from your selfishness and finally come ask me for forgiveness… but after alot
of inner searching... "I" grew up, and "I" matured, and
"I" learned right from wrong, and now "I" finally finally
woke up from MY selfish, haughty, egotistical, judgmental attitude! And now on
this painful day I turn to you and I ask you – no, I BEG you - for
forgiveness!!
I
accept upon myself to shower you with love and affection, with hugs and kisses,
and to do everything in my power to always be there for you through thick and
thin! I pledge to work so so hard to make up for all of the pain that I caused
you. I pledge to never look down at you, your friends, or on ANY JEW ever
again. I am DONE with the negative attitude! I am DONE with being the judge and
jury to another Yid! I am DONE with thinking that I am BETTER than ANY other
Jew in Klal Yisrael. I am DONE being a part of the problem... and I pledge that
as of right this moment... I will become a part of the SOLUTION!!
My
Suri, please open your heart to me... please open your arms to me... hug me,
hold my hand and let us build the beis Hamikdosh together…
What
do you say?
Your
loving Totty
By Sarah Miller Gips
Baltimore, Maryland
My
father sent me this letter today... I just wanted to share it, I wish more
people would do things like this. I decided to post this publicly after I shared
it with some people who really needed to see this and it was well received...
The daughter is the one who should have been apologizing to her father.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, this daughter's facebook page is replete with photos of her family, including her father, siblings and grandparents, happily attending her family events including her son's three year old birthday party, etc. The idea that she had a miserable relationship with her father until this letter is fanciful. Her father simply wanted to apologize to make small bygones be bygones. Bygones that she should have been the one apologizing for.
A daughter abandoning G-d and the path her parents brought up her with, dressing like a shiksa and acting as such, is no small matter and something that would cause any normal parent great anguish.
It depends if this letter is sincere. It also depends whether this is simply a lone voice of an individual parent, or whether the sentiments in the letter are echoed by many others and their leading chareidi Rabbis.
ReplyDeleteI would like to welcome this as a positive first step, but it really is only a very tiny step unless there is wider backing from chareidim.
I wonder if he would have had the same approach had she become a murderer. Even if he were the cause, I don't think he would take the same approach.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that Torah and yiddishkeit is in truth a very happy and fulfilling system and the positive should be expressed all along. He is right in regretting a totally negative approach but he should not totally condemn himself.
The approach you are suggesting might have worked in a different society in a different age.
ReplyDeleteRabbi Eidensohn שליט"א,
ReplyDeleteAs always, an important post. But I think that you did not need to include a picture of an immodestly clad woman. It does nothing to improve the post, and has no place on a blog describing itself as "Daas Torah". I think that this is the first time you have done this, and I respectfully request you to remove it.
Thank you,
Chaim
There is no one-size-fits-all in these matters. Different people, different issues, different relationships. Anyone who claims to have the one correct approach is deluded.
ReplyDeleteI'm not suggesting anything that needs to "work". I'm relating the reality. If someone murders, there is a death penalty. If someone assualts someone they are jailed. If a Jew converts to another religion r"l, his parents sit shiva for him. If someone mocks someone in public, he should apologize to his victim. And this daughter should apologize to her father, Hashem and do teshuva.
ReplyDeleteDavid why are you so righteous? Why can't you show respect to others? The world is made up of many different people and it is narrow minded people like you that are a cause of so many problems. The world would be a better place if you and others would show respect for people who do not share your views!
ReplyDeleteChaim,
ReplyDeleteAs the guest post author I can tell you there was never any intention to violate or disrespect the standards governing this blog.
The photos inserted with the article reflect and confirm our troubled society coming from our frum community. The free spirit mode of dress or undress is not just seen on the subways and streets but often emerge from our very own sheltered quarters. The photos depict a defiant daughter with whom the father has had to deal with and despite her rebellious appearance he overcame his ingrained instincts and made a heroic attempt to accept her as is.
Focusing solely on the photos instead of the complete picture as presented does not serve justice to the cause of getting people with OTD children to become more accepting and open minded.
Let's not get distracted from the core message of offering hope to the troubled souls.
Thank you for better understanding the issues at hand.
Respectfully yours,
YYF
You say "respectfully yours," but this is an enormously patronizing line:
ReplyDeleteThank you for better understanding the issues at hand.
All of your points are valid, as was mine.
ReplyDeleteJack, you didn't quite get it. It is halachicly forbidden for men to look at images such as the one previously displayed of that daughter. Her mode of undress and immodesty is not only forbidden for her but for any male who would potentially see her. It had no place here as it was forbidden and it was correctly removed.
ReplyDeleteThe first one was improper as well, even if somewhat less so.
ReplyDeleteI am simply asking for this woman to respect her father. And appreciate his upbringing of her. With values. Jewish values. That she stomped upon disrespectfully.
ReplyDeleteConnected or not, it has brought on what seems to be an escalating number of young people from the Orthodox community who bitterly leave the fold and lose all hope and desire for a religious life. It then further contributes to terrible consequences whereby persons of both genders take the next step of leaving the world.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the author is being truthful over here. First you say that it may not be "connected," but you immediately proceed by saying it has brought [it] on, clearly saying it is connected.
Well, dear author, kindly cite some sort of proof to say that this is what has brought it on. Additionally, how in the world is one fathers attempt to save his daughter indicative of many people? The only thing it is indicative of, is the fathers love and concern for his child. The highly personal letter does not prove anything else.
To start with....despite the heimishe papers trying to keep a tight lid on anything that casts a negative light on our communities. Hiding one’s head like an ostrich in the sand won’t make these reported or unreported problems vanish.
Second, we must be honest with ourselves and be “don lekav zchus”
How about a little bit of dan lekav zchus for our heimishe papers?! How do you choose whom you will condemn and whom you wont condemn? How about some consistent favorable view treatment? If you sincerely seek to encourage others, you would not see this need to criticize.
But, what is correct is that we should seek to judge our brethren in pain with love, care and understanding.
I certainly hope that you didn't author this piece in order to grind your ax against those people who you dislike.
Thank you for better understanding the actual issue at hand.
Respectfully yours,
Honesty
I totally agree with David. The father is helping his daughter by saying he loves her unconditionally. However, the daughter should apologize now for her unacceptable rebellious behavior to her father and to Hashem. She should behave accordingly, like she was brought up to be -- a G-d fearing Yid. Also -- there is a problem within our community -- judging people -- if they aren't just like you. That has to be worked on and there has to be achdus.
ReplyDeleteYou're right.
ReplyDelete