For the last two years, Ms. Pettus, 52, has used her soaring
glass-walled living room and backyard to help women mired in the weeds
of divorce navigate that which is profoundly icky. She provides
community, respite and, most important, resources by hosting monthly
panels, seminars and workshops on topics like collaborative law,
litigation and mediation, raising teenagers, financial planning, real
estate, grief, dating and midlife sex (zinc, apparently, is very
important here), led by experts.[...]
Ms.
Pettus is not alone in her efforts. While New York has trailed the rest
of the country in terms of divorce law — the no-fault divorce did not
land here until 2010 — grass-roots support systems surrounding the process have been growing, according to Lauren Behrman,
a psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, following the lead of
groups in states like California, Oregon and Minnesota, the birthplace
of collaborative law. (Collaborative law starts with a commitment to
settlement, not court.)
“The
biggest challenge is to let people know they have options,” said Dr.
Behrman. “That divorce doesn’t have to be this scorched-earth horrible
litigation process. But the key is to get to the right professional
first. If you walk into the office of a litigator, things are going to
go a certain way. If you walk into a mental health professional’s
office, it might go another way.”
While
divorce rates over all have declined since their peak in the 1980s, the
rate for those older than 50 has doubled in the last quarter-century
(those over 50 account for half the married population). Nearly two
thirds of these so-called gray divorces are initiated by women, an AARP study shows.
It
is this confluence that underpins the female-centric nature of divorce
support services and groups like Untied. That, and an anecdotal sense
that women in crisis may seek community more often than men.
Divorce
coaches, another burgeoning specialty, offer one-on-one services, for
example, for fees that can hover around $100 an hour and may include a
session to plan what to say to one’s lawyer, to streamline the process
and thus minimize legal fees.
SAS for Women
is a three-year-old divorce coaching business started by two women who
had gone through very different divorces but faced a huge learning gap,
said Liza Caldwell, one of SAS’s principals.[...]
Stephanie Coontz is
co-chair and director of education at the Council on Contemporary
Families and an expert on coupling and uncoupling. Groups like Ms.
Pettus’s, she said, are “microcosms of a new understanding that we have
to develop norms for divorce rather than take sides.”
“As
divorce has become more common,” she continued, “people have begun to
stop seeing it as a personal loss or betrayal. It’s a process that can
go badly or go well, so in many different ways there are people trying
to make divorce less disastrous.”[...]
Thank you Daas Torah for your informative and fearless blog posts. I was directed to your blog regarding the Schlesinger Twins by someone who I confided in. Something about the young man who our daughter was about to get engaged to didn't seem quite right. When we tried to make further enquiries people were evasive. After reading the various entries in the Schlesinger case I saw similarities. Also how people will play with words as they wanted the shidduch to go ahead even though they knew there to be things which were not right. Our daughter is now distraught as we have ended the shidduch and told her that there will be no wedding with this young man. Better that she sheds a few tears now rather than be married to a violent abuser chasvesholom. Only by blogs like Daas Torah can parents, especially like us who are inexperienced, be made more aware of the pitfalls. So many times I have heard of divorces and have been told 'it didn't work out'. I took this at face value, although I found it puzzling now I know that what they really mean is that the husband was more than likely violent, but of course that must always be covered up and nobody will tell you the truth as it's lochenhorah.
ReplyDeleteYou have hopefully saved my daughter from marrying someone showing all the signs of controlling and abusive behaviour, I hope it makes more parents aware.
Divorce is a personal loss and a betrayal and should be a difficult process. We don't need support organizations for divorcees. Divorce due to extreme cases of abuse is another matter. But that's 1%. The 99% that divorce because they can't get along with people, we should shun them and not support them.
ReplyDeletesounds like paranoia and lashon hara to me
ReplyDelete" there will be no wedding" - who is the controlling one?
..."we should shun them and not support them.
ReplyDeleteno we should help them learn to get along...
In the good old days, divorce was a busha and it needs to stay that way. Today we applaud divorced people as if they are courageous.
ReplyDelete