NY Times What does it take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for teaching kids to become high achievers. For example, research suggests that when parents praise effort rather than ability, children develop a stronger work ethic and become more motivated.
Yet
although some parents live vicariously through their children’s
accomplishments, success is not the No. 1 priority for most parents.
We’re much more concerned about our children becoming kind,
compassionate and helpful. Surveys reveal
that in the United States, parents from European, Asian, Hispanic and
African ethnic groups all place far greater importance on caring than
achievement. These patterns hold around the world: When people in 50
countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the value that mattered most was not achievement, but caring. [...]
Praising their character helped them internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral behaviors, nouns work better than verbs. To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,” it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.” Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.” When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.
Praise appears to be particularly influential in the critical periods when children develop a stronger sense of identity. [...]
Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences.
Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right. [...]
Praising their character helped them internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral behaviors, nouns work better than verbs. To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,” it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.” Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.” When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.
Praise appears to be particularly influential in the critical periods when children develop a stronger sense of identity. [...]
Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences.
Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right. [...]
If we want our children to care about others, we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave. In a review of research on emotions and moral development,
the psychologist Nancy Eisenberg suggests that shame emerges when
parents express anger, withdraw their love, or try to assert their power
through threats of punishment: Children may begin to believe that they
are bad people. Fearing this effect, some parents fail to exercise discipline at all, which can hinder the development of strong moral standards.
The most effective response to bad behavior is to express disappointment. According to independent reviews by Professor Eisenberg and David R. Shaffer,
parents raise caring children by expressing disappointment and
explaining why the behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how
they can rectify the situation. This enables children to develop
standards for judging their actions, feelings of empathy and
responsibility for others, and a sense of moral identity, which are conducive to becoming a helpful person.
The beauty of expressing disappointment is that it communicates
disapproval of the bad behavior, coupled with high expectations and the
potential for improvement: “You’re a good person, even if you did a bad
thing, and I know you can do better.”[...]
The
most generous children were those who watched the teacher give but not
say anything. Two months later, these children were 31 percent more
generous than those who observed the same behavior but also heard it
preached. The message from this research is loud and clear: If you don’t
model generosity, preaching it may not help in the short run, and in
the long run, preaching is less effective than giving while saying
nothing at all.
People
often believe that character causes action, but when it comes to
producing moral children, we need to remember that action also shapes
character. As the psychologist Karl Weick is fond of asking, “How can I know who I am until I see what I do? How can I know what I value until I see where I walk?”
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