Weiss-Dodelson: A pragmatic resolution to their conflict

Update See Solution below

Everyone acknowledges that the battle between Gital and Avraham Meir has gone on far too long and is now seriously harming the Jewish community.

Two young people – amongst our best and brightest - are losing the best years of their  lives in a war of attrition that neither is winning and can continue for many years. The wake up call came with three recent developments. 1) The chilul haShem that has been generated by Gital's article in the New York Post that she says was written out of desperation for her freedom and 2) His father and uncle lost their jobs to prevent Artscroll from being destroyed by a consumer boycott. 3) The threat to destroy Rav Reuven Feinstein's yeshiva for his support of his grandson.

Various people have suggested that it is time for everyone to stop fighting over who is right and focus on providing a realistic proposal that will be acceptable to both sides and bring an end to this ma'aseh Satan. I have a  friend whose son was deceived into marrying a mentally ill woman by important rabbis. When the son asked for a divorce, the schizophrenic woman demanded full custody and financial compensation. Our friend told his son not to fight, but to sacrifice their child and get on with his life. Even though he lost his son, he now has a new family and is doing well.

In a similar vein, one gadol has stated that even though it is clear to him that Avraham Meir is right in every detail - he won't fight for him. "If I succeed in defending Avraham Meir I will have to destroy the reputation of many important rabbis and institutions that are critical for our community. I would rather sacrifice Avraham Meir than destroy the Jewish community."

This post then will be devoted to understanding the critical issues from both sides and suggesting a solution satisfactory to both sides - based on pragmatism and not principle. First let me present what I think their pragmatic and psychological concerns are and then offer a solution that addresses them.

Gital's view: 

1)  She doesn't want to be married to Avraham Meir and wants a Get to be able to marry a "stepfather for her son."

2) She wants more control over their son and in fact she and her family want to reduce Avraham Meir's right to access and involvement with her son that had been mandated by the court custody agreement. She and her family don't think that Avraham Meir is a good parent and want to minimize their child's attachment and love for him. Ideally they would like Gital's next husband to be recognized by the  child as Tatty.

3) She refuses to pay any compensation for the severe financial loss of the Weiss Family resulting from the legal fees in this battle. In fact she feels they owe her for causing her to legally defend to that which is rightfully hers. She feels that Avraham Meir is only the sperm donor and her son is totally hers. She feels she should not have to pay for the Weiss'  being obstinate and fighting her for custody of her child but rather they should have simply given up when she moved out and took him away. She was willing to be fair and generous in allowing him to see her son. She saw no need to go to court for custody rights. Consequently she doesn't feel so generous after the court battles.

4) She wants to be acknowledged as rightfully fighting not only for own freedom but that of other Orthodox women who are being held captive by laws that are out of step with modern values of individual freedom. She readily points to the many great rabbis who have supported her and have called for her husband to be ostracized until he gives into her demands. She also feels that her experience indicates a significant change needs to be brought about dating and marriage in the Orthodox community. She thinks women - especially those who are the breadwinners should have greater financial control in the marriage.  She also feels that women should able to obtain a Get on demand for those who are unhappy with their marriage, and have final say over child custody. 

5) Gital is used to getting her way and this fight with Avraham Meir has been traumatic. It is important that she regain control over her life and well as to recover psychologically from what she  views as a demeaning relationship with Avraham Meir. Even though he tried improving their relationship - it was too late because she could never trust him again. Her need for a get is much more than freedom to find a "stepfather for her son." The get also means retrieveing her life from being controlled by Avraham Meir.

6) This fear of being controlled and thus the compensatory need to be in control extends to other aspect of Gital's life - especially in relationship to other people. It played a role in a previous relationship that didn't work out. Thus these last four years have been  torture for her, while the sense of power from intimidating the Weiss' and Feinstein's has been exilarating.

Thus whatever settlement Gital obtains has to not only include receiving the Get - but also clearly establishing that Avraham Meir and his family did not win and that they don't dictate the terms. This view is also shared by her mother and therefore is non negotiable.

Avraham Meir view: 

1). He entered marriage viewing it with the normative view presented in the gemora and poskim that the husband is the boss - but found out the hard way that his wife (like many frum women today) wasn't interested in that approach. His eventual willingness to change his view to his wife's view of equality  was rejected as coming too late. Thus he now has a much more realistic and flexible understanding of women then when he got married.

2) When his wife simply left him with their child it was a major shock. He wasn't used to this helpless state - especially in regards to his own child - whom he loves dearly. Initially he tried simply accepting it as a test and relied on her sense of fairness. However he realized that the good faith relationship was not working out and that in reality she was in total control of his ability to see their child and she was using that power to keep his son from him. Thefore he decided that he needed to formalize in enforceable secular law his access to their son - something that went very much against his training as a frum Jew. Again he learned to act pragmatically rather than what was maximally ideal.

3) His initial belief in rationality - if you are logical - than the other side will eventually agree has been shattered. When his wife agreed to go to therapy, he thought they could work things out and he would give up what ever needed to hold the marriage and family together. When she quit therapy with the therapist she chose - after four session - despite the therapist saying that the marriage was fixable, he realized that rationality in these matters is not much use.

4) His education in pragmatism - and the emotional rather than intellectual approach of women - was only the start of his education in real life. He discovered that going to court cost money - lots of money and that the Dodelson's could play the court system better than his family. As his family was driven into bankruptcy and the stress was severely impacting all members of his family - he became focused on regaining this money that he had been forced to spend to retain access to his son.  He views it as an non-negotiable point to regain if not all - at least a significant amount of money that his wife forced him to spend. It is not just a question of pride. He doesn't want to live the rest of his life paying off the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent - nor does he want his family to have to deal with it.

Bottom line. Avraham Meir is much more mature and realistic about life. His minimum requirements for a get are 1) guaranteed custody rights from a consent agreement ratified by the judge which will ensure that the Dodelson's don't try to take his son away from him. 2) Financial compensation for the lawyers fees that he had to shell out in order to obtain the elementary human right to be with his son. He doesn't have the psycholgical need to win - but he and his family have suffered major public shaming. He doesn't want revenge but he does want the settlement to convey a public message that he and family are not the evil psychopathic creatures that the Dodelson's have successfully conveyed to the public.

Suggested settlement: 

After listening and engaging in discussion on this topic for countless hours I think the outline of a resolution to this disaster has become obvious. The halachic issues have been fully discussed regarding his right to give a get and the requirement to avoid a get me'usa. Her excrutiating pain from being kept in a marriage for 4 years has also been fully and clearly described. I have allowed posts from both sides that I normally would not because of the to'eles that both sides need to know that their pain and indignation  and rage has been heard by the whole world – especially the other side.

There are actually two viable solutions - not one.

1) Reconciliation: I know most people will respond that this proves that psychologists are all crazy – but this is really the best solution. I am not saying this merely as an armchair observer. Gital had agreed to go to marriage therapy contingent on a number of conditions 1) The choice would be hers 2) He had to be a non-Jew 3) He had to live outside their community 4) She would only go for 4 sessions. The therapist told them that the marriage could be saved. Gital wasn't interested and never went back.

 It is clear that returning to a marriage that can be repaired with the person with whom she had a child – is infinitely better than hoping to find someone new. She has already struck out twice – there is no reason to believe that marriage to a 3^rd person would not end the same way. Her legitimate objections to Avraham Meir can readily be dealt with by an agreed upon rav that will guide them through future conflicts. Likewise the rav can help Avraham Meir to be more sensitive and accommodating to her psychological and religious needs. It really isn't rocket science.

Rabbi Avraham Blumencrantz once mentioned that he advised all couples to move far away and minimize contact with their families at least during the first year of marriage. He observed that many if not most disputes came about through "good advice" from concerned mothers and fathers. Chazal tell us that when a woman marries it equivalent to be captured by a foreign nation. She needs to understand that marriage doesn't make the husband an extension of her family – but that she and her husband are forming a new family with alliances to relatives. This advice applies equally to Avraham Meir. 

Avraham Meir needs to be fully aware that the ideal of marriage described in the rabbinic literature – needs to be modified according to the nature of the wife. He needs a wise rav who they both respect to guide him in making appropriate accommodation. I have seen too many avreichim who cite Shulchan Aruch and stories of tzadikim when they come for shalom bayis session. As the Steipler put it – he has to understand his wife is not a shtender.

They both have to know the welfare of their son is best served if he has the two parents living as husband and wife in harmony rather than living in two alienated families. Even with the best psychologist and the best intentions their son will be harmed by divorce. In reality divorced couples are not known for their rational loving attitude towards each other – and they convey that clearly to the detriment of their child.

2) Divorce: If the thought of reconciliation makes them want to vomit then here are the outlines of a fair divorce settlement. It is clear that despite all the yelling and screaming about extortion – money is not the main issue for either of them. Baruch haShem, Gital's parents are very wealthy and will not suffer in any way from a financial settlement. They do not however want to give it on principle. However since this is a pragmatic solution which has a single goal – that Gital should obtain her Get – we must ignore who is right or wrong. 

First step: $350,000 should be put in escrow according to both their lawyers advice. Giving of the money to Avraham Meir is to be contingent on his giving a get of his own free will. This step is really the simple one

Second step: This is really the issue that divides them. They are both concerned that the other side will harm the child and therefore satisfactory guarantees need to be provided. The Dodelson's have consulted with a psychologist who has emphasized the need for the child to have one home where he can feel secure. He noted that by having divided custody, the child really does not have a home or identity. Therefore the Dodelson's want a reduction from the court ordered custody arrangement. They also don't want their grandson to be too attached to his father and are hoping that when Gital remarries the child will accept his stepfather as his Tatty.

Awareness of the Dodelson's goal is the reason that Avraham Meir is fighting so hard for a consent agreement which will guarantee that he doesn't have to constantly worry that he will be summoned back to court to fight for his relationship to his son. In addition to the stress, he does not have the money or the time for this fight and he feels this tension is bad for his son – as well as his whole family. He doesn't want his son to be poisoned against him – which is a realistic worry.

I would suggest the formation of a committee of several rabbis respected by both side working in consultation with psychologists who are respected by both sides. I would suggest that Rav Matisyahu Solomon, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Rabbi Aaron Kotler and Rabbi Ronnie Greenwald form this group with psychologists of their choosing. I would suggest that both Avraham Meir and Gital agree in advance to whatever decision the committee unanimously agrees to. The issue of custody should not be left to a secular court, nor it should be decided on the basis of advice by a psychologist hired by one side nor should it be the source of ongoing tension. It needs to be decided now. (However if in the future one side feels a need for modification, the committee should meet again and decide the issue.)

If these two issues are dealt with as described, there is absolutely no reason why a get will not be given promptly. Gital and Avraham Meir with then be able to live again – and peace will be restored in Clall Yisroel.