Last week, after a young man opened fire in his Ohio high school, killing three classmates and wounding two, renowned scholars of adolescent psychology such as Charlie Rose and Marlo Thomas were quick to prognosticate and assert that the alleged shooter, the gawky T.J. Lane, was just a bullied kid taking bloody revenge on his tormenters. That the theory turned out to be utterly false did little to satisfy the national hunger for bully-flavored sanctimony. [...]
The problem is not what to do to defang the bully, but what to do to galvanize his victims. The answer is simple, stark, unfashionable: Teach victims to hit back and hit hard. [...]
And yet, when we talk about bullying, we reserve most of our vim and vitriol for the perpetrators, motivated by the belief that these cruel ogres can somehow be reformed. They cannot. The desire to torment the other, to harass those different than us, to lord it over the weak is all too human. It’s worth remembering here that Joseph’s brothers are the men from whose loins sprang the tribes of Israel—which is to say, to an extent they are the progenitors of most of the people who are likely reading this article. Like them, we too have it in us to be terrible meanies. Suppress that urge, and you deny us our natural birthright.
Which, of course, isn’t to advocate brutalities. Limits must be observed. But attempting to make children preternaturally nice to one another is very much like trying to convince puppies to chew with their mouths closed—we may succeed, but we would have ruined what makes them such jolly beasts, and we would certainly impede their growth. Children grow in part by testing the boundaries of their own abilities, and such testing is always applied vis-à-vis others. They tease and hit and threaten, some more maliciously than others, just to see what happens. If balance is kept, if the victim swings back, peace is restored. If not, a message is sent, clearer than the admonitions of a thousand teachers, that bullying is tremendously effective.
Rather than see bullies as abhorrent and in need of mending, let us realize, per our tradition, that they are us. And rather than forbid malice, let us instead teach our kids to strike back. They’ll be much happier if the biblical justice was allowed to prevail, unimpeded, in the schoolyard. After all, they were born this way.
Rather than see bullies as abhorrent and in need of mending, let us realize, per our tradition, that they are us. And rather than forbid malice, let us instead teach our kids to strike back. They’ll be much happier if the biblical justice was allowed to prevail, unimpeded, in the schoolyard. After all, they were born this way.
In all honesty teaching a child to defend themselves, at least in the Chareidi sector is a quick way to be invited to leave the school. About five years ago a Rav approached me to teach his three sons(5, 7, and 8) to defend themselves. He received a psak from his Rosh Yeshiva and two Gedolim at the time that I could teach them to defend themselves so long as I didn't teach them to hurt the other children, such as hitting them.
ReplyDeleteSo I taught them some Akido like techniques native to the Kadochnikov/Pramek fighting system. It ended their bullying problem. Unfortunately he was soon after invited to remove his children from the school, and had a hard time finding another Chareidi school that would accept them because they had become perceived to be trouble makers.
We have had similar problems with the state run Daati school system. One of my children was coming home from Gan several times a week with a bloody nose from a group of bullies. My wife talked to the Gannet, who said that there was nothing she could do. So I taught my child how to defend their face and to punch back. Suddenly the Gannet was rather disconcerted. We were told that it is not normal to fight back against bullies, and thus it is unacceptable behavior. Personally my response was, if my child hits first then talk to me, otherwise it's your problem.
Essentially, there is an ingrained culture of submitting to bullies(which is why modesty squads work so well). You would need to fundamentally change that, and thus the way those who defend themselves are perceived, before you could effectively end bullying.
You seem to be indicating that bullying is alright i.e., intimidation - but hitting is not. thus if you have a group of bullies they intimidate by their mere presence. Thus the only legtitimate way to fight back is collectively rather than as an individual.
DeleteYou seem to be indicating that bullying is alright i.e., intimidation - but hitting is not.
DeleteThat wasn't my intention. The issue though, as I see it, is that we have institutionalized a culture of bullying. Where those who stand up to said bullying are seen as those in the wrong. It doesn't matter whether it is hitting or other forms of bullying(though I would argue that logical conclusion of bullying is hitting, as when their intimidation ceases to be effective, they usually resort to force).
Actually I would go one step further - bullying is a common phenomenon in the Chareidi world - on many levels. The question is what establishes the action of a particular bully as legtimate while denying defense by bullying to the victim? Bullying is probably used against gedolim as much as it against the average man.
DeleteI was told once that a group of right wing chareidi gedolim were scheduled to hold a meeting about the permissibility of heart transplants. That morning someone discovered a bullet hole in the door of the apartment where they were scheduled to meet. The meeting was cancelled.
Similarly one of the most important teshuvos concerning artificial insemination was published in the Dibros Moshe - not Igros Moshe. I was told that a kanoi called Rav Moshe and told him that if published another teshuva in the Igros on the subject his apartment would be blown up! Rav Moshe never did publish anymore teshuvos in the Igros put did publish one in the Dibros Moshe.
I bet the real reason why bullying is a common phenomenon in the Charedi world is because of shidduchim. All you have to do is get on the bad side of a person of power and you'll find that you or your kids or your grandkids can't find a shiddach. That's enough incentive not to fight back. This passive behavior trickles down to all areas of life.
DeleteThat might be effective for the average man - but when you are trying to bully a major rabbinic figure - threatening to destroy his reputation is much more effective. Included in this is the label of being too lenient or moderate or compromising the mesora. In the Slifkin affair the club used was that defending Rabbi Slikin was promoting heresy or a heretic. In the Making of a Gadol Affair it was "defending the degradation of gedolim." In the Lipa Schmeltzer Concert banning it was "you aren't going to go against Rav Eliashiv and all the other gedolim who have already signed the ban?" In the various cases of giving a heter to report an abuser to the police it is"do you want people to call you a moser?"
DeletePerhaps this is why you have so many Jews off the derech, including the majority who never even learned what the derech was. Their grandparents simply left in order to get away from the bullying, not because they didn't believe in Torah or didn't believe in Hashem.
DeleteI am growing very tired of these phony arguments. This is a sign of the times. Nobody is willing to say I am off the derech because I chose to be.Instead they blame others for their choices. Was the Torah given to the Malchei HaSharett?You must judge the Torah by the doctrine not the humans (who by definition make mistakes and are imperfect).I knew a man who married a Korean woman because he said his MO classmates turned him off Yiddishkeit. And the moon is made of green cheese.I have been bullied by frum kids and my 30 something almana mom was mistreated by the day school rabbinical staff numerous times."Goodie,goodie gum drops".I can ignore the oath my soul took on Sinai and just blame the dolts that were metzaer us.I doubt that will wash with the Abishter.
DeleteIt is no different in the secular world. I remember one time in middle school, standing up to an older kid who was bullying me and pushing me around. The mere fact that I stood up to him, didn't back down, and had assumed a fighting stance was enough to get both of us sent to the Principal's office. At the end, I was told in no uncertain terms that, had I pushed back or swung in an attempt to defend myself, I would have been suspended from school.
DeleteI think that this is what Rabbi Tzadok is talking about...we are teaching our children not to stand up for themselves even in legitimate situations (because if you do, you are punished) and this carries into other areas of life.
I have my kids in a charedi school in Jerusalem. I instruct my kids to never hit first, bt always hit back, and to never tell the teacher. (Becoming a tattletale or a shtinker is the quickest way lose all friends.) Teachers have called me up, and I have explained to them my position. Never had much of an issue.
ReplyDeleteImportant point - never involve the official authorities in fighting your battles and don't leave evidence either and likewise don't become an informant for the authorities either.
DeleteIt is interesting that Rav Moshe Feinstein has a teshuva regarding the common problem of a teacher asking for a informant as to whom is the guilty party. He says not to tell the teacher as it is bad midos. In contrast Rav Sternbuch says that one should inform since it is not lashon harah.
There is a combination of factors here.
ReplyDelete1) Control - the teacher cannot control the bully. He will ignore authority figures and attempts to stop him will only worsen the situation. This leads to a feeling of helplessness. However, the teacher can often control the victims because they are more civilized than the bully and do respond to authority figures. So what do they do? Sit back helpless or control the only people in the conflict they can?
2) Moral ease - it's easy to be a victim. No one wants to see a victim sully his moral purity obtained through suffering by striking back. It's the old "If we use their tactics then we're no better than they are" argument.
When I was a kid I attended a camp in the Poconos. A very frum and famous one. I endured plenty of bullying from my bunk mates because at 13 I was the odd man out. They had all been attending this camp since the age of 7. They decided to make my life a living hell. But I don't like whiners and crybabies.One kid started one with me in front of the bunk. I beat him to a pulp.After I smashed his head against the wall he wept like a baby and nobody bothered me again. I learned several lessons. Frum kids often have the greatest parents who don't have the slightest idea of what goes on when they turn their back's.This includes rabbeim who teach mussar. Also don't back in the limelight of self-pity and seek victim status. A bully understands violence.when it is "Hayadyim Yedei Eisav" use violence.Flowers and candy are not effective against yedei Eisav.In my case I earned the respect of the bunk but not their friendship.I was their to learn anyway.Never teach a child to wallow in self-pity.It leads very often to suicide (Rachamana L"Tzlan).
ReplyDeleteDT 7:02
ReplyDeleteIs "bullying" a strong enough term for that bullet hole? A 7 year old saying "I'm gonna kill you" is one thing; a death threat from a gun carrying adult is on a whole new level.